Narcissistic Miss So

I have to post this as an OCD thing but I'm nuking my current YT channel in the next few days. I'll be back in some form of Miss So but it won't be like before. The problem with narcissism is we become "vampires" always looking for attention and validation in some form or shape, even if it's negative. And it's literally become my entire personality along with all my C-PTSD stuff, bipolar stuff, etc. So I keep posting on channels focused on personality disorders instead of actually working on my issues, since I'm still looking for some form of "supply". I finally made the connection to addiction with NPD, but I don't really feel like my channel is "helping" anything. It's just me posting for some kind of attention due to knowing folks will still read my stuff, even if I get no "likes" etc.
I'm also the type of loner narcissist who can create new "supply" in my own head. So I can literally have zero subs and still "pretend" or "fantasize" that others are paying attention to what I'm posting. It's a weird combo, but it may be due to the bipolar disorder as well. Since NPD actually shares some similar symptoms with that too. I was going to make my channel all about NPD, cluster B stuff, etc, but then that's my entire personality. I'm not really "qualified" to do that.
More NPD folks are starting their own channels which is helpful but those channels are geared towards survivors of abuse and I keep posting comments about my own "self awareness" as an NPD person, which is not what those channels are for. Also, I have been severely addicted to my phone for years, and need to learn to navigate YT very differently in a way that doesn't feed my addiction.
My apologies, but I'll be dropping most channels that have regular live feeds, since my brain wants to hop into live chats and post my "opinion" as if it matters. The only live feed I seem to be able to handle is Let's Read. He has so many folks in his lives that I just listen and stopped commenting so much. I live in my head a lot, and have for years, so I'm trying to figure out how to change that pattern. I get "addicted" to certain channels on YT just to post my two cents, not because I have anything important to say. I'm also not an "expert" or "therapist" but I like to "act" like one online.
Please do not reply to this. I enjoyed the communities I was a part of while I was a part of them, but I am keeping myself stuck, every day. Even if I didn't have NPD, the need to get validation on some social platform is still there. And that gauntlet never ends. So if you happen to find me when I "come back", no probs, but I am pulling away from a lot of channels. My "playlists" are also for "attention". I'm just not making much progress because I'm going to CoDA every week but not much else, except finally walking at the park. My addict brain is still running things out of fear, anxiety, anger, sadness, etc, so I'm always a dark cloud floating around.
I thought I was "better" after deleting most of my social media in the last couple of years but YT keeps the addiction going. And it doesn't help the narcissism either. So while I will miss certain channels, I need to let more "drugs" go. I still like YT to teach me things, especially for podcasts, etc. And I've kind of stopped posting comments under those channels too. Don't need a response to them anymore. Not sure if CoDA is changing that or my internal Compass is.
But thank you to the few subs I have had with all my channel "nukes" over the past couple of years. If I can't figure out how to navigate an app like YT in a better way then maybe complete deletion will be needed eventually. But still trying since YT has a ton of good info as long as my own bias doesn't keep messing up what I'm seeing. So that's the plan. Just wanted to post a heads up. Since giving up various forms of "blood" is not easy for an emotional vampire to do. But I also keep getting "triggered" on YT which triggers more NPD, so I need to learn how to not be so reactive and regulate my own emotions better. Not just for me, but for family members who rely on me too. I lost a decade to procrastination and did nothing. So will I keep that pattern going or finally try to "do" instead of obsessing about various issues every day, for years. That's how some of us get "stuck".
Not gonna make this too long. Just wanted to post some kind of update due to my OCD and my own abandonment issues.
Thank you for reading. I'll be in the YT "universe" but not really the same as before. Much more limited. No aliases either. Just some form of Miss So.
Take care.

3 weeks ago | [YT] | 2

Narcissistic Miss So

More "liminal" spaces at the park today. I have some video too but keep forgetting to post it.

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3 weeks ago | [YT] | 1

Narcissistic Miss So

This post is related to my father and why so many girls may grow up to become abusers themselves. She does a good job of explaining different "types" but her channel is focused on women. Due to the amount of violence against women and girls all over the world, this is still a major issue.
I'm still trying to figure out my own issues. There are some videos that dropped today that make me wonder about anti-social personality disorder (sociopathy). My father was a diagnosed sociopath with psychopathic tendencies. But he was visiously and sadistically abused by his mother. His father was very passive and submissive in their marriage. I only met his mother a few times. I just know that I didn't like her. She gave off all kinds of bad vibes and energy. My mother told me he absolutely hated her and unfortunately due to that, he started taking it out on everyone including us. He also always wanted to get "revenge" on others who wronged him. But he had such severe betrayal issues due to his mother that his narcissism became very malignant. He also felt the law didn't apply to him and would do things just to do them, even if he got into trouble. He was also a Vietnam vet (and I don't even want to know the awful things he probably did over there) but sometimes young men join the military to gain a sense of control they didn't have growing up. And they keep that sense of control in all other parts of their lives, especially relationships.
My father was very controlling of my mother and she was very passive. Her father was also a controlling alcoholic and she was the oldest in her family. So she learned to "take care of" everyone and "mother" her younger siblings. She became the "protector" in her family. Always trying to protect her mom and siblings from her father. But she met my father when she was in a manic episode so she thought it was "love". She had developed what I now believe is BPD (borderline disorder) and she became "addicted" to my father.
Mom was always a good mom but she could have some narcissistic traits too, I think related more to her being a Leo than anything else. Certain signs do seem to have more narcissistic traits than others. Dad was a Scorpio and they can have extremely vindictive sides, whether narcissistic or not. I know not everyone who reads this believes in astrology, but I use it as my "higher power" for CoDA meetings since that's my form of spirituality. I just have too many issues with the Bible to trust anything in that area. Folks will accuse astrology and tarot cards of being "evil". Meanwhile, those same folks will say nothing about all the centuries of corruption from the church, abuse of children, etc. That seems more "evil" to me. But I digress.
What I've started to realize about myself lately is that I developed some "communal" narcissistic traits. We want an "audience" to feel important. A lot of communal narcissists go into show business. If they didn't get validation at home, they get it from strangers. I had too much social anxiety to try out for plays in school but I did like the idea of "running" things. I wasn't ambitious enough to climb the corporate latter for work, since my depression made me want to stay under the radar. But once I discovered the Meetup website, I found a way to get "validation".
I started a group on there for introverts many years ago, and it became a very successful group. It's still going today but others have taken over. But when I started the group my anxiety was terrible. It took a year for folks to start showing up, and for the first year, I wanted to control everything. I wanted to schedule all the meetings. As time went on, I started to delegate my control to others and let other members schedule their own meetings. That's when the group truly started to grow and other members who had been more shy, felt braver about hosting their own meetups. That was very satisfying to see. Once I let go of my need to control the group, it started to flourish. After almost ten years I finally stepped down and others took over. But I was developing some issues with my asthma that made me start to isolate more. And once the isolation period became really severe, it just became easier to stay home and keep that pattern going, especially once the pandemic hit. I lost most of my 40s to isolation.
Last year, after I started looking up self help videos, and I found Anna's channel, The Crappy Childhood Fairy, I tried starting a new group on Meetup based on her book. I wanted to "run" something again. I didn't realize that maybe it was related to wanting to feel important and that I mattered. It's also the reason I keep posting my "two cents" on YouTube. Even if I only get a few likes, etc, I still get some tiny validation as if my opinion "matters". But some days I just post to vent, usually due to anxiety. YouTube is kind of an "escape" for me some days, not just a "drug".
I like Mel Robbins channel but she is also a communal narcissist. She needs to feel important and that her words matter to others. But she's had therapy so she's using her narcissistic traits to spread good info and advice to others. She has talked about her own narcissism, control issues, and how she wasn't always so great to her husband in the past since she's the controlling one. He tends to be more passive. But he also started a group for men years ago to help other men. And their marriage is better because they've both been working on their issues for years.
I get frustrated with videos like the one I'm sharing because it still feels as if so many men want women to "fix" this. But we can't fix all of this. We can talk about abusive men, abusive women, etc, but nothing is being done to change this system from the inside.
Patriarchy doesn't just hurt women. It keeps men and boys trapped in a system that grinds them into dust eventually. So how do things get better for men and boys when this entire system takes advantage of them too?
I look at all the men at the top and I keep wondering why they don't pool their resources to build treatment centers and domestic violence centers for men and boys all over the country. If men are committing suicide at higher rates, why aren't other men doing more to help fix this and help each other? I've seen a few stories about more mens retreats but I'm not seeing many. It still feels as if men expect women to "fix their feelings" since they won't work on their own and that includes their own controlling and abusive behavior.
Now that I've started going to CoDA meetings, I had a hard time sharing at first. I didn't want to come across as "narcissistic and controlling". But as I've attended more meetings the "organizer switch" is being turned on in my head. I want to "run" the meetings. But we're all supposed to rotate and share hosting. So I remind myself of that to make sure I'm not trying to "take control". But all meetings are different. Some do have a "leader", others don't. I used to go to ACoA meetings years ago and they also "rotated" the leadership for each meeting. It just gives others a chance to step up and run something, which helps with self esteem. It's just been so long since I've run a group that I had forgotten what it felt like. I liked the idea of helping others by "leading" because it still gives me sense of validation but not due to the "toxic" need for supply. I think some communal narcissists can actually be very beneficial to others, if they use their need to "lead" to help others, not just for their own egos.
But I'm also an addict. So my need for validation and to feel "important" also benefits from me wanting to "lead". I don't know what CoDA holds for me as time goes by. I just know that with every meeting, I keep experiencing new realizations about myself and now I see co-dependence everywhere. But a lot of folks are also addicts and not dealing with their addictions. It's easier to just keep self medicating then to finally deal with things. I've always been a fan of Kanye, but his temper and need to control get really bad every time he relapses and goes off his meds. He is also very, very bipolar. So his "religious" album was related to a manic episode. Now he's back into the pattern of drugs, and sex addiction with his latest album. His current wife has become an "object". Kanye also has severe narcissism. But he's doing nothing about it, so this pattern continues. He doesn't want to deal with therapy. He just wants to feel important and constantly look for this those who make him feel like he matters.
He will mention that he keeps relapsing on drugs and alcohol. Those are a big no-no for the bipolar brain. He is not acting very "godly" lately. Not sure where his anti-Semitism came from but that's a common theme with some rappers. Mel Gibson is also very bipolar and keeps relapsing on alcohol. He also has a massive ego and once his temper goes off, we all hear about it. These men go through women like water. Constantly looking for someone else to regulate their emotions and make them "feel better". Eddie Murphy has the same pattern. Married multiple times, to women who tried to help him, but the he eventually dumps them and moves into someone new. Eddie is also narcissistic. But we all love him so much as a comedian that we collectively "ignore" his glaring narcissistic behavior.
I see patterns in famous men and women over the years and I recognize them. It just took me years to recognize my own, because so many narcissistic folks don't want to see their own patterns. It becomes easier to just self medicate and keep the addictions going. And Holywood is the perfect place to feed addictions. I keep hoping Kanye will get his act together and stay clean and get his manic episodes under control. But I don't know if he ever will since he keeps relapsing. An there's no woman on the planet that can "fix" him. He has to want sobriety more than anything else in his life.

https://youtu.be/xeUTotsP6UU?feature=...

4 weeks ago | [YT] | 1

Narcissistic Miss So

I wanted to talk a bit about limerence since I've struggled with episodes all my life and it's embarrassing to talk about since it triggers so much shame. I think limerence hits narcissists a little differently. I was familiar with this issue almost a year ago when I was looking up self help videos but it didn't sink in until I started CoDA meetings. I guess when we grow up in unstable or neglectful environments as kids, developing unhealthy attachments to others who feel safe is a "normal" thing to do. I remember getting crushes starting early on and eventually starting to realize that they were way too intense. As a young LGBTQ girl, I would get them on boys and girls in class, and that remained once an adult.
It's taken me a long time to realize that most of them were on unavailable people. Folks who didn't know me personally, but I had developed an aquaintance crush, friends who just didn't feel the same way, folks already attached to others, coworkers, bosses, etc. Usually I kept them to myself because I think I mostly knew they weren't normal but once I became infatuated with someone, I knew it was going to take me a long time to get over it. The fantasy was always fun at first but then the depression would hit once I realized that I was stuck in another unrealistic romance in my head.
Occasionally I would let a person know and that never ended well. I never wanted to come across as a "stalker" but maybe to some folks I did. I was already way too intense with the bipolar disorder, and I would sometimes wear friends out after awhile with hypomanic episodes. But I was such a loner for so much of my life, that the the limerence fantasies gave me comfort. And for the most part, I kept them to myself, for years. I would tell myself that they were unrealistic, etc, but sometimes a defective brain has a mind of its own and would try to "convince" me that maybe this person could be something more. But in reality, it just wasn't.
The problem is, I am also a newly aware narcissist. So I now wonder how much of that issue fed limerence episodes over the years if I was looking for attention, validation, etc. I did date and have relationships here and there but they never lasted. I also experienced episodes of sexual addiction because that becomes a form of "self medicating". You can't "love" someone you're infatuated with and the NPD would turn folks into "objects" to me, to use and then discard. But narcissists leave others before they can leave us, as a preemptive strike. So even limerence obsessions were sometimes discarded even if we kept the infatuation going once we left. Or our abandonment issues would get triggered if someone left us and there was limerence going on.
Limerence always felt "safer" because the fantasy relationship could keep going on our heads if nothing was working out in the real world. NPD folks who are unaware that experience limerence can definitely do damage to others (which is never ok) But we end up following an awful pattern, once adults. And it gets worse if we never wake up and see it. I thought I knew what limerence was and it only started to truly click with me in the last couple of months with the CoDA meetings. We get "addicted" to the high of being infatuated with a new person. If we are also addicts, that makes it much worse. We turn the person in into a drug and risk abusing them like a drug. I just didn't realize how much my unhealed childhood wounds were going to cause so much of this over time. I "thought" I was a safe person because I eventually stopped dating years ago and started to isolate a lot. But then we just find new folks online to develop inappropriate feelings for. For an NPD person that can turn into narcissistic abuse, with love bombing, gaslighting, etc. And then the limerence episode has become something very toxic. Not safe or secure.
I wanted to talk about it a bit since it seems to be very common in folks who have addictive personalities. We get addicted to a person instead of drugs or alcohol, etc. Or maybe multiple addictions are going on. We think it's "love", a "soulmate", etc, and we may even believe that at the beginning. But as time goes on we start to notice that something is wrong. But as an NPD person, we never want to admit we are wrong and we can't stand guilt, since that triggers shame, so we just push it down and assume our intense "crush" is normal. But eventually we know it's not. You can't love someone you turn into an object. It becomes too easy to start the narcissistic cycle of idealizing them, then devaluing them, and then discarding. And we may do that multiple times.
So limerence (along with NPD) can create quite a bit of damage, if we let it get away from us. I'm not happy about certain episodes that ruined some connections over the decades with my intensity. But that's why I starred CoDA meetings because I started to recognize a pattern in myself and it was related to addiction. Addiction can sneak up on us after years of thinking we are ok, and then we "relapse". I'm no longer in denial and starting to deal with it. I just wish it hadn't taken me so many years to see this pattern in myself. But the CoDA meetings are helping. I remember getting really intense crushes on folks when I was younger and I would create these detailed relationships in my head. They could last years, not months.
It's embarrassing to talk about all this in my 50s. I feel very emotionally immature. But I'm glad I found CoDA because it's finally helping me to manage some of this along with the narcissistic issues, and I'm hoping over time I'll be able to develop more stable connections with others. I think the main thing is maintaining emotional sobriety and making sure I try to interact with others who are emotionally healthier, so that I don't keep repeating these patterns. I haven't dated in years, so I have no idea what that holds for me. I'm actually ok being single and relationships are not a priority. It doesn't mean we don't risk relapsing into a new limerence episode, but at least I'll have a better idea of what it is the next time, and be able to manage it better. Being NPD makes this an extra challenge because we have a hard time connecting and attaching to folks in the first place.
So therapy may be helpful too.

https://youtu.be/Fvi9pDnIxb4?feature=...

1 month ago | [YT] | 1

Narcissistic Miss So

https://youtu.be/CESqNpTK1S8?feature=...

1 month ago | [YT] | 1

Narcissistic Miss So

Illustrations by Francois Gautier (from Dark Art coloring book)
You may have to zoom in for detail.

Sorry, I forgot to mention OCD. That has affected me my entire life.
Why did I need to post this?
OCD, heh.

First image, developed in childhood. I'm not a hoarder but I would have (organized) stacks of things all around my room. Piles of things. I do still struggle with some clutter these days. We were supposed to move to our new place months ago, so I cleaned out all the drawers. Haven't moved yet, so my room is a mess. No point in putting everything away if I just have to dig it out again. So, random OCD piles again.

Second image, I like to think of myself as a somewhat organized "cyborg" but there's also some chaos in my head, so my organization skills always need work. But I keep everything "in order" just enough to know where everything is.

Third image, the old OCD patterns which sneak back up on me sometimes when stress is higher. I used to have muscle "ticks" pretty badly. Click my teeth, facial ticks, etc. Counting. (Always needed even numbers, not odd) A lot of these have gotten better, but they may come back sometimes if anxiety is super high.

Last image, the beautiful and perfect organizated castle that OCD folks all want to obtain, but never quite do. There are always hurdles in the way, so we do the best we can. Maybe some folks are neat feaks. Some are organized chaos. We manage the obsessing as best we can.

Thank you.

1 month ago | [YT] | 1

Narcissistic Miss So

Illustrations by Francois Gautier (from Dark Art coloring book)
You may have to zoom in for more detail.

What being newly aware of NPD for only a few months feels like to me.

First image, the chaos, anger, rage, "splitting".

Second image, still being easily triggered, overly sensitive, feeling "attacked", etc. (Must be right all the time, still argue, still controlling)

Third image, the tower is always falling. I must save the tower at all costs. I must keep it from crumbling. I must keep the false self (mask) in place. Or I will lose whatever "image" I had. Low self esteem, self loathing. Self deletion thoughts. What's one less NPD person ? If we cause so much damage, no one will miss us, etc. No need for my existence. (Not doing that; just dark thoughts sometimes)

Fourth image, trying to build a new mask, new image, still strong, powerful, smart, clever, nothing gets past my armor, etc. But the helmet is covering a skeleton. Still dead inside. Still a void. Was I better off before I became self aware? Was ignorance, bliss? Not sure yet. Will take time to figure out. With lots of therapy, I imagine.

Just found these images very fitting for what some folks with all these issues may feel. I'm a visual person. So sometimes a "visual" version of certain disorders helps me understand them better, or help me explain them to others. Especially since I have a weird combo going on in my head, and they "rotate" depending on the day.

Thank you.

1 month ago | [YT] | 1

Narcissistic Miss So

Illustrations by Francois Gautier (from Dark Art coloring books)
You may have to zoom in for more detail.

First image: Colored pic, how others see me.
Rest of pics.
How I see myself.

Second image:
First two pics, what a happy family looks like to me.
Third pic, what love "looks" like to me.

Third image:
First pic, what Bipolar II feels like to me.
Second pic, what procrastination feels like to me.
Third pic, what depression and anxiety feels like to me.
Fourth pic, what C-PTSD feels like to me.

Fourth image:
What clairvoyance feels like to me.
Only have the "feeling" kind but get premonitions sometimes and have also had many supernatural experiences over the years.

Fifth image:
My undiagnosed NPD where I used my "false self" (armour, mask, snarky humor, etc) to charm, and know-it-all brain to (try) and impress others. This is what it used to feel like (apparently) before I became self aware.

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1 month ago (edited) | [YT] | 1

Narcissistic Miss So

Manipulation and mind games is not love. If that "feels" like love, then it's time to get a therapist and go no contact with someone who keeps making you feel that way. Especially if one or both parties has addiction issues.

1 month ago | [YT] | 1

Narcissistic Miss So

Is this happening? Because I've been very confused over the past few months when I'm trying to work on myself, after finally becoming self aware. She talks about men, but am I doing this too? I haven't started therapy yet. Only CoDA meetings. So do I have this pattern? I stopped dating for years, due to my own fear years ago that I might be capable of being the abusive one. And sure enough, I found out I am capable of this. I've gotten much better (recently) about not "looking for new supply" and trying to interact with the few men I still chat with on YT, as the human beings they are, instead of potential "love bombs". Apparently I only do that with folks who remind me of my father. That's my old father wound and trauma bond. But love bombing men and women online is not a regular pattern for me. They literally have to remind me of dad. I thought I was doing "better" since I was single for so long. But addiction has a way of creeping up on us and making us relapse even years after being emotionally "sober". And then we do it again, years later. That's what the CoDA meetings are helping me with. Recognizing the addictive patterns, not just what's related to my NPD issues. I think only therapy can help me with the other deeper issues, like the C-PTSD, etc. And then I'm bipolar to boot. My scrambled eggs brain is fun. 🙃 She is trying to help women but I'm wondering if I have these patterns too, due to my own control issues. Sara of Cluster B Milkshake is the only woman I can find on YT who's taking about how this manifests in women (as a narc herself) Most NPD videos focus on NPD abuse from men.

https://youtu.be/e6Os6b03ND8?feature=...

1 month ago | [YT] | 1