Narcissistic Miss So

I have to post this as an OCD thing but I'm nuking my current YT channel in the next few days. I'll be back in some form of Miss So but it won't be like before. The problem with narcissism is we become "vampires" always looking for attention and validation in some form or shape, even if it's negative. And it's literally become my entire personality along with all my C-PTSD stuff, bipolar stuff, etc. So I keep posting on channels focused on personality disorders instead of actually working on my issues, since I'm still looking for some form of "supply". I finally made the connection to addiction with NPD, but I don't really feel like my channel is "helping" anything. It's just me posting for some kind of attention due to knowing folks will still read my stuff, even if I get no "likes" etc.
I'm also the type of loner narcissist who can create new "supply" in my own head. So I can literally have zero subs and still "pretend" or "fantasize" that others are paying attention to what I'm posting. It's a weird combo, but it may be due to the bipolar disorder as well. Since NPD actually shares some similar symptoms with that too. I was going to make my channel all about NPD, cluster B stuff, etc, but then that's my entire personality. I'm not really "qualified" to do that.
More NPD folks are starting their own channels which is helpful but those channels are geared towards survivors of abuse and I keep posting comments about my own "self awareness" as an NPD person, which is not what those channels are for. Also, I have been severely addicted to my phone for years, and need to learn to navigate YT very differently in a way that doesn't feed my addiction.
My apologies, but I'll be dropping most channels that have regular live feeds, since my brain wants to hop into live chats and post my "opinion" as if it matters. The only live feed I seem to be able to handle is Let's Read. He has so many folks in his lives that I just listen and stopped commenting so much. I live in my head a lot, and have for years, so I'm trying to figure out how to change that pattern. I get "addicted" to certain channels on YT just to post my two cents, not because I have anything important to say. I'm also not an "expert" or "therapist" but I like to "act" like one online.
Please do not reply to this. I enjoyed the communities I was a part of while I was a part of them, but I am keeping myself stuck, every day. Even if I didn't have NPD, the need to get validation on some social platform is still there. And that gauntlet never ends. So if you happen to find me when I "come back", no probs, but I am pulling away from a lot of channels. My "playlists" are also for "attention". I'm just not making much progress because I'm going to CoDA every week but not much else, except finally walking at the park. My addict brain is still running things out of fear, anxiety, anger, sadness, etc, so I'm always a dark cloud floating around.
I thought I was "better" after deleting most of my social media in the last couple of years but YT keeps the addiction going. And it doesn't help the narcissism either. So while I will miss certain channels, I need to let more "drugs" go. I still like YT to teach me things, especially for podcasts, etc. And I've kind of stopped posting comments under those channels too. Don't need a response to them anymore. Not sure if CoDA is changing that or my internal Compass is.
But thank you to the few subs I have had with all my channel "nukes" over the past couple of years. If I can't figure out how to navigate an app like YT in a better way then maybe complete deletion will be needed eventually. But still trying since YT has a ton of good info as long as my own bias doesn't keep messing up what I'm seeing. So that's the plan. Just wanted to post a heads up. Since giving up various forms of "blood" is not easy for an emotional vampire to do. But I also keep getting "triggered" on YT which triggers more NPD, so I need to learn how to not be so reactive and regulate my own emotions better. Not just for me, but for family members who rely on me too. I lost a decade to procrastination and did nothing. So will I keep that pattern going or finally try to "do" instead of obsessing about various issues every day, for years. That's how some of us get "stuck".
Not gonna make this too long. Just wanted to post some kind of update due to my OCD and my own abandonment issues.
Thank you for reading. I'll be in the YT "universe" but not really the same as before. Much more limited. No aliases either. Just some form of Miss So.
Take care.

3 weeks ago | [YT] | 2