I wanted to talk a bit about limerence since I've struggled with episodes all my life and it's embarrassing to talk about since it triggers so much shame. I think limerence hits narcissists a little differently. I was familiar with this issue almost a year ago when I was looking up self help videos but it didn't sink in until I started CoDA meetings. I guess when we grow up in unstable or neglectful environments as kids, developing unhealthy attachments to others who feel safe is a "normal" thing to do. I remember getting crushes starting early on and eventually starting to realize that they were way too intense. As a young LGBTQ girl, I would get them on boys and girls in class, and that remained once an adult. It's taken me a long time to realize that most of them were on unavailable people. Folks who didn't know me personally, but I had developed an aquaintance crush, friends who just didn't feel the same way, folks already attached to others, coworkers, bosses, etc. Usually I kept them to myself because I think I mostly knew they weren't normal but once I became infatuated with someone, I knew it was going to take me a long time to get over it. The fantasy was always fun at first but then the depression would hit once I realized that I was stuck in another unrealistic romance in my head. Occasionally I would let a person know and that never ended well. I never wanted to come across as a "stalker" but maybe to some folks I did. I was already way too intense with the bipolar disorder, and I would sometimes wear friends out after awhile with hypomanic episodes. But I was such a loner for so much of my life, that the the limerence fantasies gave me comfort. And for the most part, I kept them to myself, for years. I would tell myself that they were unrealistic, etc, but sometimes a defective brain has a mind of its own and would try to "convince" me that maybe this person could be something more. But in reality, it just wasn't. The problem is, I am also a newly aware narcissist. So I now wonder how much of that issue fed limerence episodes over the years if I was looking for attention, validation, etc. I did date and have relationships here and there but they never lasted. I also experienced episodes of sexual addiction because that becomes a form of "self medicating". You can't "love" someone you're infatuated with and the NPD would turn folks into "objects" to me, to use and then discard. But narcissists leave others before they can leave us, as a preemptive strike. So even limerence obsessions were sometimes discarded even if we kept the infatuation going once we left. Or our abandonment issues would get triggered if someone left us and there was limerence going on. Limerence always felt "safer" because the fantasy relationship could keep going on our heads if nothing was working out in the real world. NPD folks who are unaware that experience limerence can definitely do damage to others (which is never ok) But we end up following an awful pattern, once adults. And it gets worse if we never wake up and see it. I thought I knew what limerence was and it only started to truly click with me in the last couple of months with the CoDA meetings. We get "addicted" to the high of being infatuated with a new person. If we are also addicts, that makes it much worse. We turn the person in into a drug and risk abusing them like a drug. I just didn't realize how much my unhealed childhood wounds were going to cause so much of this over time. I "thought" I was a safe person because I eventually stopped dating years ago and started to isolate a lot. But then we just find new folks online to develop inappropriate feelings for. For an NPD person that can turn into narcissistic abuse, with love bombing, gaslighting, etc. And then the limerence episode has become something very toxic. Not safe or secure. I wanted to talk about it a bit since it seems to be very common in folks who have addictive personalities. We get addicted to a person instead of drugs or alcohol, etc. Or maybe multiple addictions are going on. We think it's "love", a "soulmate", etc, and we may even believe that at the beginning. But as time goes on we start to notice that something is wrong. But as an NPD person, we never want to admit we are wrong and we can't stand guilt, since that triggers shame, so we just push it down and assume our intense "crush" is normal. But eventually we know it's not. You can't love someone you turn into an object. It becomes too easy to start the narcissistic cycle of idealizing them, then devaluing them, and then discarding. And we may do that multiple times. So limerence (along with NPD) can create quite a bit of damage, if we let it get away from us. I'm not happy about certain episodes that ruined some connections over the decades with my intensity. But that's why I starred CoDA meetings because I started to recognize a pattern in myself and it was related to addiction. Addiction can sneak up on us after years of thinking we are ok, and then we "relapse". I'm no longer in denial and starting to deal with it. I just wish it hadn't taken me so many years to see this pattern in myself. But the CoDA meetings are helping. I remember getting really intense crushes on folks when I was younger and I would create these detailed relationships in my head. They could last years, not months. It's embarrassing to talk about all this in my 50s. I feel very emotionally immature. But I'm glad I found CoDA because it's finally helping me to manage some of this along with the narcissistic issues, and I'm hoping over time I'll be able to develop more stable connections with others. I think the main thing is maintaining emotional sobriety and making sure I try to interact with others who are emotionally healthier, so that I don't keep repeating these patterns. I haven't dated in years, so I have no idea what that holds for me. I'm actually ok being single and relationships are not a priority. It doesn't mean we don't risk relapsing into a new limerence episode, but at least I'll have a better idea of what it is the next time, and be able to manage it better. Being NPD makes this an extra challenge because we have a hard time connecting and attaching to folks in the first place. So therapy may be helpful too.
Narcissistic Miss So
I wanted to talk a bit about limerence since I've struggled with episodes all my life and it's embarrassing to talk about since it triggers so much shame. I think limerence hits narcissists a little differently. I was familiar with this issue almost a year ago when I was looking up self help videos but it didn't sink in until I started CoDA meetings. I guess when we grow up in unstable or neglectful environments as kids, developing unhealthy attachments to others who feel safe is a "normal" thing to do. I remember getting crushes starting early on and eventually starting to realize that they were way too intense. As a young LGBTQ girl, I would get them on boys and girls in class, and that remained once an adult.
It's taken me a long time to realize that most of them were on unavailable people. Folks who didn't know me personally, but I had developed an aquaintance crush, friends who just didn't feel the same way, folks already attached to others, coworkers, bosses, etc. Usually I kept them to myself because I think I mostly knew they weren't normal but once I became infatuated with someone, I knew it was going to take me a long time to get over it. The fantasy was always fun at first but then the depression would hit once I realized that I was stuck in another unrealistic romance in my head.
Occasionally I would let a person know and that never ended well. I never wanted to come across as a "stalker" but maybe to some folks I did. I was already way too intense with the bipolar disorder, and I would sometimes wear friends out after awhile with hypomanic episodes. But I was such a loner for so much of my life, that the the limerence fantasies gave me comfort. And for the most part, I kept them to myself, for years. I would tell myself that they were unrealistic, etc, but sometimes a defective brain has a mind of its own and would try to "convince" me that maybe this person could be something more. But in reality, it just wasn't.
The problem is, I am also a newly aware narcissist. So I now wonder how much of that issue fed limerence episodes over the years if I was looking for attention, validation, etc. I did date and have relationships here and there but they never lasted. I also experienced episodes of sexual addiction because that becomes a form of "self medicating". You can't "love" someone you're infatuated with and the NPD would turn folks into "objects" to me, to use and then discard. But narcissists leave others before they can leave us, as a preemptive strike. So even limerence obsessions were sometimes discarded even if we kept the infatuation going once we left. Or our abandonment issues would get triggered if someone left us and there was limerence going on.
Limerence always felt "safer" because the fantasy relationship could keep going on our heads if nothing was working out in the real world. NPD folks who are unaware that experience limerence can definitely do damage to others (which is never ok) But we end up following an awful pattern, once adults. And it gets worse if we never wake up and see it. I thought I knew what limerence was and it only started to truly click with me in the last couple of months with the CoDA meetings. We get "addicted" to the high of being infatuated with a new person. If we are also addicts, that makes it much worse. We turn the person in into a drug and risk abusing them like a drug. I just didn't realize how much my unhealed childhood wounds were going to cause so much of this over time. I "thought" I was a safe person because I eventually stopped dating years ago and started to isolate a lot. But then we just find new folks online to develop inappropriate feelings for. For an NPD person that can turn into narcissistic abuse, with love bombing, gaslighting, etc. And then the limerence episode has become something very toxic. Not safe or secure.
I wanted to talk about it a bit since it seems to be very common in folks who have addictive personalities. We get addicted to a person instead of drugs or alcohol, etc. Or maybe multiple addictions are going on. We think it's "love", a "soulmate", etc, and we may even believe that at the beginning. But as time goes on we start to notice that something is wrong. But as an NPD person, we never want to admit we are wrong and we can't stand guilt, since that triggers shame, so we just push it down and assume our intense "crush" is normal. But eventually we know it's not. You can't love someone you turn into an object. It becomes too easy to start the narcissistic cycle of idealizing them, then devaluing them, and then discarding. And we may do that multiple times.
So limerence (along with NPD) can create quite a bit of damage, if we let it get away from us. I'm not happy about certain episodes that ruined some connections over the decades with my intensity. But that's why I starred CoDA meetings because I started to recognize a pattern in myself and it was related to addiction. Addiction can sneak up on us after years of thinking we are ok, and then we "relapse". I'm no longer in denial and starting to deal with it. I just wish it hadn't taken me so many years to see this pattern in myself. But the CoDA meetings are helping. I remember getting really intense crushes on folks when I was younger and I would create these detailed relationships in my head. They could last years, not months.
It's embarrassing to talk about all this in my 50s. I feel very emotionally immature. But I'm glad I found CoDA because it's finally helping me to manage some of this along with the narcissistic issues, and I'm hoping over time I'll be able to develop more stable connections with others. I think the main thing is maintaining emotional sobriety and making sure I try to interact with others who are emotionally healthier, so that I don't keep repeating these patterns. I haven't dated in years, so I have no idea what that holds for me. I'm actually ok being single and relationships are not a priority. It doesn't mean we don't risk relapsing into a new limerence episode, but at least I'll have a better idea of what it is the next time, and be able to manage it better. Being NPD makes this an extra challenge because we have a hard time connecting and attaching to folks in the first place.
So therapy may be helpful too.
https://youtu.be/Fvi9pDnIxb4?feature=...
1 month ago | [YT] | 1