Patrick Teahan
Welcome!
I provide education on childhood trauma, conduct research, and advocate for healing from childhood trauma.
**PLEASE READ** My videos are for educational purposes only. Information provided on this channel is not intended to be a substitute for in-person professional medical advice. It is not intended to replace the services of a therapist, physician, or other qualified professional, nor does it constitute a therapist-client physician or quasi-physician relationship. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go to the nearest emergency room immediately.
Learn more about Patrick Teahan, at linktr.ee/patrickteahan
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Patrick Teahan
My mentor Amanda Curtin would often say this phase in our group work.
What I like about the inner child concept is that we can personify our subconscious from a heart space and start to make actionable steps in
change.
We can do this by:
*Dialoguing with our inner child and helping them with situations in our present.
*Creating a healthier space in our lives, from choosing better partners to changing our environment for their benefit.
*Create healthy boundaries for the first time by teaching them the goodness in saying no to not bringing a bazooka to a toothpick fight when we are in conflict with someone or speaking up appropriately.
Inner child work only works with actionable steps in change. We can't just have brief heart-connecting moments with them and then tune out or not show up.
What is challenging is that we often parent ourselves how we were parented. So we all start reparenting from an inconsistent place and working towards more consistency and little victories.
But if we leave it to a once in a while thinking of them while still having our childhood trauma run us, we might remain stuck.
14 hours ago | [YT] | 1,529
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Patrick Teahan
As trauma survivors, we struggle with normalcy, self-worth, and judging the character of ourselves and others.
When we are not good judges of character towards others, we end up shocked that people we thought were good and safe totally weren't - just like in childhood.
Whenever we believe we are smaller than others, our judgment is clouded.
We miss red flags, passive aggression, invalidation, empathy issues, toxicity, or simply; the person doesn't have their emotional house in order as much as we thought or fantasized.
When we love and admire the professor, lover, in-laws, boss, mentor, or friend who "has it more together" than we do, we'll put them on a pedestal.
But we ignore faults; we ignore if they are shaming or off in ways. We miss that maybe their inner child runs them too, but it is more subtle. We ignore or do not catch that something is off because we're too busy trying to be liked, accepted, and understood.⠀
So when we go to the "healthy" friend (the yoga teacher, the aunt, the friend with a good relationship, the authority figure like a therapist) and we share what it's like with our toxic families or history, or we want closeness, we often get:⠀
"But, but...she's your mom." ⠀
"That sounds like all YOUR stuff."⠀
"Let's talk about me, though."⠀
"Turn the other cheek and just rise above."⠀
"You're wrong, and I'm superior to you."⠀
In my group work, I try to get people to do the hard work of cultivating a safe tribe while reclaiming being worthwhile ourselves. ⠀
Imagine not needing to be so acceptable to others. ⠀
Do you have "half-safe" relationships in your life? Meaning - you put the person on a pedestal, and they only HALF accept you, and you feel shame because of it.
1 day ago | [YT] | 3,701
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Patrick Teahan
There is a specific triggering experience in the toxic family, which is being told to be the better person in an abusive dynamic or situation.
You may have heard any of the following from family:
“You know how they are, just say you're sorry and be done with it.”
“You don't have problems like they have, so just let it go and support them. They can't help it.”
“I know they crossed a line, but they do have a point about you.”
In reality, the childhood trauma survivor is being told once again to put away the abuse they just went through and show up for the general good or for the perpetrator, who is never challenged by the system.
This is profoundly wrong because we are being told to betray: reality, healthy consequences of abuse, and ourselves.
In these moments, we are being manipulated to keep the status quo of the toxic system going, which means enabling perpetrators in their abuse. The abuser doesn't have to change because they've just been validated.
In healthy systems, there are consequences, and the offended must look at their behavior and seek repair, not the victims.
How batshit is it to be abused and then be told to show up as the accountable one?
2 days ago | [YT] | 3,901
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Patrick Teahan
Immature parents want love, not work.
Many childhood trauma survivors were raised by highly immature parents with unresolved childhood trauma. An immature parent is confusing because they are an adult in charge of our lives with the emotional maturity of an eight-year-old. Unfortunately, survivors do not catch this problem in their parents, usually until adulthood.
The immature parent can often look like
1) Having a high deficit in parental responsibility.
(They don't know they are the adult in charge throughout their children's development and beyond.)
2) Poor handling of emotions. (They can be limited, basic, and avoidant of difficult conversations and issues, making them shut down, become victimized, or have low frustration tolerance).
3) Exhibit crazy-making behaviors. (They might be able to partially understand a boundary but revert to the old issue anyway.) For example, they can agree their partner is off or abusive but quickly give up any attempts or strategies to progress.
4) They believe it's all happening to them or around them, but never see themselves as having a part in things. "You know how hard things are for me!"
An emotionally mature parent understands their task of raising a child in emotional safety as best they can and engages the child in growing emotionally. With an immature parent, the role is reversed, with the child raising the adult through issues from job changes, romantic partnerships, and emotional soothing.
For the survivor working on themselves with an immature parent like this, there is a slow process of gradually seeing that the parent establishes a one-way street with their children. They demand love, care, and acceptance but will not work on themselves or the relationship in any way.
They will not take in your words, go to therapy, get sober, respect the boundary, or be consistent.
The survivor processing their trauma may need space and time to process being parentified and losing out on a safe home base outside the ongoing dynamic.
Do you have a parent who wants the love without the work?
3 days ago | [YT] | 2,786
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Patrick Teahan
Many of us don't have a reference point for what
it looks like to be free of our trauma narrative that runs us.
⠀
I was lucky enough at the age of 19 to find myself in a nearly
four-year childhood trauma group doing experiential and intimacy
work with seven other amazing, brave souls.
⠀
The work of every member was about processing what
happened to them, taking risks and tolerating being seen.
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We gradually felt safe with each other and the therapist.
We needed to spend time bringing up the trauma and hypervigilance, and have the opposite of what we experience in childhood happen:
- That it's okay to be seen.⠀
- That it's safe to be you.⠀
- That people want realness
and not our false protective selves.
I became freer from controlling comfort, such as isolating, which kept my world sad and small.
A goal is to consistently have the ability to be spontaneous and attuned with our compass. Do we need to have some fun? Do we need to leave something not serving us, can we try a new adventure without shame or terror?
We can now take the risk of not living in coping, survival or a false self.
4 days ago | [YT] | 2,800
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Patrick Teahan
Who abandoned who?
For many childhood trauma survivors, cut-offs and setting boundaries with toxic parents can be excruciating because the inner child gets flooded with guilt and shame around letting the family down. ⠀
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When I'm working with a client in that position, I know they're caught in a battle between their adult part, which knows to continue with the toxic parent means to be: ⠀
⠀
*used ⠀
*not seen
*shamed
*triangulated
*severely triggered
*guilted
*and again be put in their childhood family role (the resource, the scapegoat, the parent)
⠀
And the inner child is only focused on not wanting to be bad.
⠀
In connecting with our inner child, our adult part's job is to hold space for the pain and undo the brainwashing. However, inner children need a lot of help seeing who the toxic parents are and what is the truth about what happened in childhood.⠀
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Two big inner child traits: ⠀
1) Inner children hold out hope that the family will "get it" until we are fully healed.⠀
2) Inner children have built-in forgetting about what happened to them.⠀
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I'll ask a client who is struggling with their toxic parents in the present and ask, "Who abandoned who?"
⠀
Who didn't show up for you when you were bullied?
Who left you with the perpetrators?
Who modeled a one-way street?
Who let YOU be the parent?
Who left you to figure it out on your own without safety?
⠀
"Who abandoned who?"
5 days ago | [YT] | 2,109
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Patrick Teahan
That phrase is usually a confusing and shaming letdown.
Poof, just love yourself and stop:
*dating beneath you
*feeling suicidal
*being codependent
*struggling with addiction
*submitting to others
*being so stuck
Does the phrase make us feel better?
I know it's meant well, but it's one thing that leaves us with an overwhelming "how?"
How do I go and love myself?
Do you have some steps?
Do you have any exercises?
A book even...?
When I started my childhood trauma recovery in my early 20s, I was blessed to have a therapist who had a plan. I had someone who knew the specifics and had a therapy model.
She knew I needed to get my adult in place to get myself together and start caring for an abused child instead of having that child seek attachment and rescue from others, which doesn't work.
It changed my life and wasn't just a platitude.
6 days ago | [YT] | 4,270
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Patrick Teahan
As childhood trauma survivors, we project our parents onto others - especially our partners.
In my trauma work, the primary recovery focus is on intimacy, and intimacy with the self needs to come first. When not integrated, we often try to get others to be our missing parent.
⠀
Often, a survivor will struggle with feeling that it is their partner's job to own all the upset AND help them self-regulate. (comfort and soothe)⠀
⠀
Wounded inner children will look to our partners to be omnipotent and responsible for upset (projection). ⠀
⠀
This type of wounded child is very young and now demands the comforting and soothing that was denied to them. Given what happened to us, it makes sense why that demanding energy exists. Our inner child sees a safer caregiver who "should know better." ⠀
⠀
That's the projection. "They should know better."
Our parents should have known better about caring for a child.
⠀
When I see couples stuck in this, I'll stop the circular conversation/fight and then do a trauma intimacy tool developed by my mentor Amanda Curtin LICSW - the "123 exercise," which consists of
⠀
1) We talk about the trigger coming from childhood and talk about specific examples (being let down)
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2) We talk about how the partner is different (like that they come to couples when abusive parents often won't/don't)
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3) We work out the present upset with the projection out of the way. (Find new ways to manage the present upset/bump)
⠀
When we can't fully see our partners for who they are, we demand atonement for wounds our parents caused, even if the partner's behavior/contribution is off or terrible. It's mostly about our trauma.
Also, we may have difficult choices if the partner refuses to look at their off behavior. But this is where it gets confusing, right? Is it their behavior or your trauma? Either way, if the partner is abusive or we are demanding atonement, none of it works. ⠀
Most of my recovery was about protecting others close to me by reparenting my wounded inner child and developing that relationship first.
1 week ago | [YT] | 2,759
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Patrick Teahan
If you grew up in abuse and dysfunction like I did, most likely at a young age, you had a sense of how limited one or both of your parents were. So many clients, including myself, are marinated in guilt or embarrassment for the parent who can't get out of their own way. ⠀
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What do I mean by that?⠀
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-The parent who makes a scene at Target or at the restaurant because they must be miserable or can't manage their emotions like an adult.⠀
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-The parent who "gets even."⠀
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-The parent who shows up at your door to prove a point to your spouse or children. ⠀
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-The parent who refuses to get sober or recognize/admit that there is a problem. ⠀
-The parent who is going "straight to court" to fight it - even if they are wrong.⠀
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Even if they crash and burn, there is still much ego and defiance.⠀
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-The parent who will refuse to look at their part in things or their parenting - even if they take that refusal to their deathbeds. ⠀
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Many of us feel the abuse as their adult children, but our inner child feels compassion for the toxic parent instead of themselves. ⠀
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The inner child will choose the parent's limitations over their own truth and feelings until our inner adult changes that and focuses on what happened to that child within us. We must break the family rule that the toxic parent always comes first.⠀
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I tell clients that our inner child "knows too much" or "feels too much" for such toxic parents. Instead, we need to cultivate realness and compassion for ourselves for healing.⠀
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When we feel too much or know too much about how limited our parents are, we don't honor our own abuse, and we choose their feelings or perceived victimhood over our abuse symptoms. ⠀
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It's a stuck place, and the way out is calling it like it is and looking deeply at what it's like to be their child - what the toxicity does to us instead of what it does to them.
1 week ago | [YT] | 2,000
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Patrick Teahan
Sometimes the diagnosis...
Is being an asshole.
Sometimes the clinical diagnosis is asshole.
We spend or, we have spent, a significant amount of time
self-diagnosing ourselves, as well as trying to figure out
why a family member or ex is so abusive.
Are they? (insert any DSM criteria as to what you're seeing and are looking to match up or confirm)
Then what?
This is a gentle reminder that figuring out why someone might
be abusive doesn't keep you safe or change things. The change is
up to the abusive person, and it usually isn't looking good.
As childhood trauma survivors, our inner child struggles with the reality that someone is bad for us. This is a function of our codependency. As small children, we rooted for abusive or unprotective parents. We had hope, and it's still a problem.
If we know they struggle with a mental health issue, we become more compassionate, which means we might still subject ourselves to abuse.
Our inner child needs help reclaiming that not everyone is for us. Some people don't deserve a second chance, or even a first one.
What matters most is your peace, safety, and dignity.
Am I saying everyone with mental health issues should be shunned or deserve the stigma? Of course not!
This post is about no longer allowing people to be assholes to us and not getting caught up in why they are abusive.
1 week ago | [YT] | 3,568
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