What makes one's family toxic is usually aggressive denial or minimization of problems, abuse, and dysfunction.
The hills they will die on are actually choices they make between their relationship with their children and how they look to the outside when it comes to their part.
"I never said that."
"That never happened."
"We remember it differently, I guess."
"You were fine; we were a normal family,
what is your problem?"
"You've always been the problem, and mom
was right about you from the get-go."
"I'm happy to lose a sister who just wants
to trash-talk her family and tell everyone
the family business."
"So what if I hit you?...you were rotten."
And the damage comes from how easily and quickly they take their high ground.
In our healing journeys, we have to ask what is at stake for them and what are they choosing.
While it would be hard for anyone to hear and process abuse they are responsible for, no one is going to die if they acknowledge, ask about, or admit failings.
What would it mean to the survivor if they heard:
"I've been hiding from that, and I'm proud of you for bringing it up."
"I wasn't in my right mind, and I know you suffered because of my choices."
"I want to hear more and not be defensive and make this about me."
Those would be coming from someone valuing a relationship with their children over the shame and reality of their parenting.
It's a choice, and while the healthy examples seem idealistic, they do happen in families that recognize they could lose us.
Patrick Teahan
What makes one's family toxic is usually aggressive denial or minimization of problems, abuse, and dysfunction.
The hills they will die on are actually choices they make between their relationship with their children and how they look to the outside when it comes to their part.
"I never said that."
"That never happened."
"We remember it differently, I guess."
"You were fine; we were a normal family,
what is your problem?"
"You've always been the problem, and mom
was right about you from the get-go."
"I'm happy to lose a sister who just wants
to trash-talk her family and tell everyone
the family business."
"So what if I hit you?...you were rotten."
And the damage comes from how easily and quickly they take their high ground.
In our healing journeys, we have to ask what is at stake for them and what are they choosing.
While it would be hard for anyone to hear and process abuse they are responsible for, no one is going to die if they acknowledge, ask about, or admit failings.
What would it mean to the survivor if they heard:
"I've been hiding from that, and I'm proud of you for bringing it up."
"I wasn't in my right mind, and I know you suffered because of my choices."
"I want to hear more and not be defensive and make this about me."
Those would be coming from someone valuing a relationship with their children over the shame and reality of their parenting.
It's a choice, and while the healthy examples seem idealistic, they do happen in families that recognize they could lose us.
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