For childhood trauma survivors, we often can be wired for extremes in many things, including conflict. This is true, especially before we do any work on ourselves. We were set up to not know how to do conflict and intimacy.
Some of us have inner children that can't tolerate being wrong, so we argue, defend, get the last word, get nasty or superior. This is aggressive.
Some of us have inner children that take in all the responsibility of conflict and never defend ourselves because it's probably us. Even if we are right, we'll still take blame. This is sneaky.
Both are strategies from growing up in abuse that are rooted in shame.
It's interesting how shame causes various defensive behaviors, as one would only think of it as the constant "I'm bad and always wrong" response to life but shame is just about trying NOT to be seen a certain way.
I wonder if "always wrongs" are just trying to not be like the "never wrongs" that they were abused by, and the reverse can be true as well.
In conflict - always and never - isn't real. It's not human. It's a mess to be doing intimacy with either strategy, and also immature and ineffective.
Healing these conflict strategies involve being willing to be more vulnerable to not go there always or never, and working with our inner child to become more secure.
Here are healing goals for both strategies:
(Never) Realize that you're not in danger if you're wrong or having a part (you probably do just by having this thing going on), and recognizing the damage you do in your relationships (disconnection and difficulty). What's so threatening about being the problem? (Shame)
(Always) Realize that you're not in danger if you push back because owning everything is a way to sabotage intimacy because you're forcing the issues away. What's so threatening to you if you seem a little unlikable in the moment? (Shame)
Working on these will be messy and not graceful, but practice anyway.
Patrick Teahan
For childhood trauma survivors, we often can be wired for extremes in many things, including conflict. This is true, especially before we do any work on ourselves. We were set up to not know how to do conflict and intimacy.
Some of us have inner children that can't tolerate being wrong, so we argue, defend, get the last word, get nasty or superior. This is aggressive.
Some of us have inner children that take in all the responsibility of conflict and never defend ourselves because it's probably us. Even if we are right, we'll still take blame. This is sneaky.
Both are strategies from growing up in abuse that are rooted in shame.
It's interesting how shame causes various defensive behaviors, as one would only think of it as the constant "I'm bad and always wrong" response to life but shame is just about trying NOT to be seen a certain way.
I wonder if "always wrongs" are just trying to not be like the "never wrongs" that they were abused by, and the reverse can be true as well.
In conflict - always and never - isn't real. It's not human. It's a mess to be doing intimacy with either strategy, and also immature and ineffective.
Healing these conflict strategies involve being willing to be more vulnerable to not go there always or never, and working with our inner child to become more secure.
Here are healing goals for both strategies:
(Never) Realize that you're not in danger if you're wrong or having a part (you probably do just by having this thing going on), and recognizing the damage you do in your relationships (disconnection and difficulty). What's so threatening about being the problem? (Shame)
(Always) Realize that you're not in danger if you push back because owning everything is a way to sabotage intimacy because you're forcing the issues away. What's so threatening to you if you seem a little unlikable in the moment? (Shame)
Working on these will be messy and not graceful, but practice anyway.
6 days ago | [YT] | 1,872