So its been sixteen months ths since I stopped drinking, and what have I learned?
Two things:
Nobody cares. Not my wife, not my sons, not my friends, family, acquaintances or coworkers. Nobody fuqing cares....except me, and that's all I need.
Second, its just me against me and the battle is to see which side of me is stronger - my desire to drink or my need to not drink. I've come to realize that everyday I don't drink is a day I don't get a DUI, trip and fall when I walk, sound like a moron or place my mental and physical health in further jeopardy. Again, that seems to be what I need.
There's been no "aha" moment for me, yet I sit here clean and sober posting this.
It's said that to quit drinking is one of the hardest things a person will ever do. No. For me, continuing to drink - fully cognizant of the peril I put my career, marriage, family, self-respect and even freedom at risk....now that was hard. The depression, that feeling of impending doom watching as I shit it all away just completely fucked with my head.
Even after quitting, I'm left with what could have been - how better of a husband, father, Ranger, athlete or student I could have been. If only I had focused on self-development and not the bottle. But at least I can address those dreaded thoughts with a sense of clarity and resolve and not reach for the bottle to make be feel better about myself or my condition.
Nah, quitting alcohol was easy. Living with alcohol was hell. I'm sober enough now to make that distinction.
So what made me do it, what made me quit? After embarrassing myself beyond belief in front of my twenty year-old son I knew I had to make a change. Never could I allow something like that to happen again.
I decided that I was stronger than my "addiction"....that I valued me more than I did the bottle; that I was not going to get caught slippin too intoxicated to defend myself or drive; or not in control of my mental and physical faculties simply because I couldn't control my urge to drink. I decided that I loved me more than the bottle and sought no sympathy, understanding or approval other than my own.
**Love of self is neither vanity or arrogance - its survival** and that's worked for me. Survival is still the prime directive and I will not render myself obsolete with booze. To others who suffer from alcoholism and may read this, in battling alcoholism there is no greater love than love of self and if you love yourself enough, you will defeat this.
The first drink of the day.....that warm feeling from mouth to belly....there was nothing like it. From the first sip to the last gulp before I fell asleep, the ordinary was extraordinary and life was a little more exciting. Booze made me happy, and who doesn't want more happiness in life?
But happiness had a price. Happiness meant drinking more booze and after a few times of drinking a 750ml bottle of gin in a sitting and not feeling happy, I knew I had a problem. In fact, the last time I did that, I felt nothing - just emptiness. Then the self-loathing and sadness kicked in. There was nothing happy about any of it. That was nine months ago for me.
Do I miss drinking? Sure I do, but I don't miss tripping over my own feet and falling on the bathroom floor, needing a loved one help me up; the brainfog and lethargy from hangovers; the possibility getting my wig split in a fight while under the influence; or the inevitable DUIs, accidents and loss of career I was destined to have if I kept drinking. Sound like happiness?
Listen, alcohol unleashes the beast of bad decisions inside you. If you are reading this and you've had the thought that maybe it's time to slow down or quit altoghether - then it is. You can do this, and by the strength of your conviction and will. But you need a starting point, and now is as good as any.
The first drink of the day.....that warm feeling from mouth to belly....there was nothing like it. From the first sip to the last gulp before I fell asleep, the ordinary was extraordinary and life was a little more exciting. Booze made me happy, and who doesn't want more happiness in life?
But happiness had a price. Happiness meant drinking more booze and after a few times of drinking a 750ml bottle of gin in a sitting and not feeling happy, I knew I had a problem. In fact, the last time I did that, I felt nothing - just emptiness. Then the self-loathing and sadness kicked in. There was nothing happy about any of it. That was nine months ago for me.
Do I miss drinking? Sure I do, but I don't miss tripping over my own feet and falling on the bathroom floor, needing a loved one help me up; the brainfog and lethargy from hangovers; the possibility getting my wig split in a fight while under the influence; or the inevitable DUIs, accidents and loss of career I was destined to have if I kept drinking. Sound like happiness?
Listen, alcohol unleashes the beast of bad decisions inside you. If you are reading this and you've had the thought that maybe it's time to slow down or quit altoghether - then it is. You can do this, and by the strength of your conviction and will. But you need a starting point, and now is as good a time as any. You don't have to wait until you reach rock bottom.
There's a bottom line to this - either you control the booze you drink, or it controls you. A few things you should realize if you're thinking about quitting:
1) The beast of bad decisions you become when under the influence is not a new one, it's always been there. Either keep it in check or it will check you.
2) Most folks you know don't care if you decide to stop drinking. In fact, some will call you an effin quitter when you do, like you've got a problem. Get used to that. But your closest ride-or-die family and friends will remain that way - booze or no booze.
3) The same thoughts, problems and issues you had while drinking will be there front and center when you stop drinking. What changes is your perception as you no longer drink your way through an issue, but address it with a clear mind.
Faccia Brutta
So its been sixteen months ths since I stopped drinking, and what have I learned?
Two things:
Nobody cares. Not my wife, not my sons, not my friends, family, acquaintances or coworkers. Nobody fuqing cares....except me, and that's all I need.
Second, its just me against me and the battle is to see which side of me is stronger - my desire to drink or my need to not drink. I've come to realize that everyday I don't drink is a day I don't get a DUI, trip and fall when I walk, sound like a moron or place my mental and physical health in further jeopardy. Again, that seems to be what I need.
There's been no "aha" moment for me, yet I sit here clean and sober posting this.
2 months ago | [YT] | 0
View 0 replies
Faccia Brutta
It's said that to quit drinking is one of the hardest things a person will ever do. No. For me, continuing to drink - fully cognizant of the peril I put my career, marriage, family, self-respect and even freedom at risk....now that was hard. The depression, that feeling of impending doom watching as I shit it all away just completely fucked with my head.
Even after quitting, I'm left with what could have been - how better of a husband, father, Ranger, athlete or student I could have been. If only I had focused on self-development and not the bottle. But at least I can address those dreaded thoughts with a sense of clarity and resolve and not reach for the bottle to make be feel better about myself or my condition.
Nah, quitting alcohol was easy. Living with alcohol was hell. I'm sober enough now to make that distinction.
5 months ago (edited) | [YT] | 0
View 0 replies
Faccia Brutta
So what made me do it, what made me quit? After embarrassing myself beyond belief in front of my twenty year-old son I knew I had to make a change. Never could I allow something like that to happen again.
I decided that I was stronger than my "addiction"....that I valued me more than I did the bottle; that I was not going to get caught slippin too intoxicated to defend myself or drive; or not in control of my mental and physical faculties simply because I couldn't control my urge to drink. I decided that I loved me more than the bottle and sought no sympathy, understanding or approval other than my own.
**Love of self is neither vanity or arrogance - its survival** and that's worked for me. Survival is still the prime directive and I will not render myself obsolete with booze. To others who suffer from alcoholism and may read this, in battling alcoholism there is no greater love than love of self and if you love yourself enough, you will defeat this.
6 months ago | [YT] | 0
View 0 replies
Faccia Brutta
The first drink of the day.....that warm feeling from mouth to belly....there was nothing like it. From the first sip to the last gulp before I fell asleep, the ordinary was extraordinary and life was a little more exciting. Booze made me happy, and who doesn't want more happiness in life?
But happiness had a price. Happiness meant drinking more booze and after a few times of drinking a 750ml bottle of gin in a sitting and not feeling happy, I knew I had a problem. In fact, the last time I did that, I felt nothing - just emptiness. Then the self-loathing and sadness kicked in. There was nothing happy about any of it. That was nine months ago for me.
Do I miss drinking? Sure I do, but I don't miss tripping over my own feet and falling on the bathroom floor, needing a loved one help me up; the brainfog and lethargy from hangovers; the possibility getting my wig split in a fight while under the influence; or the inevitable DUIs, accidents and loss of career I was destined to have if I kept drinking. Sound like happiness?
Listen, alcohol unleashes the beast of bad decisions inside you. If you are reading this and you've had the thought that maybe it's time to slow down or quit altoghether - then it is. You can do this, and by the strength of your conviction and will. But you need a starting point, and now is as good as any.
9 months ago | [YT] | 0
View 0 replies
Faccia Brutta
The first drink of the day.....that warm feeling from mouth to belly....there was nothing like it. From the first sip to the last gulp before I fell asleep, the ordinary was extraordinary and life was a little more exciting. Booze made me happy, and who doesn't want more happiness in life?
But happiness had a price. Happiness meant drinking more booze and after a few times of drinking a 750ml bottle of gin in a sitting and not feeling happy, I knew I had a problem. In fact, the last time I did that, I felt nothing - just emptiness. Then the self-loathing and sadness kicked in. There was nothing happy about any of it. That was nine months ago for me.
Do I miss drinking? Sure I do, but I don't miss tripping over my own feet and falling on the bathroom floor, needing a loved one help me up; the brainfog and lethargy from hangovers; the possibility getting my wig split in a fight while under the influence; or the inevitable DUIs, accidents and loss of career I was destined to have if I kept drinking. Sound like happiness?
Listen, alcohol unleashes the beast of bad decisions inside you. If you are reading this and you've had the thought that maybe it's time to slow down or quit altoghether - then it is. You can do this, and by the strength of your conviction and will. But you need a starting point, and now is as good a time as any. You don't have to wait until you reach rock bottom.
9 months ago | [YT] | 0
View 0 replies
Faccia Brutta
There's a bottom line to this - either you control the booze you drink, or it controls you. A few things you should realize if you're thinking about quitting:
1) The beast of bad decisions you become when under the influence is not a new one, it's always been there. Either keep it in check or it will check you.
2) Most folks you know don't care if you decide to stop drinking. In fact, some will call you an effin quitter when you do, like you've got a problem. Get used to that. But your closest ride-or-die family and friends will remain that way - booze or no booze.
3) The same thoughts, problems and issues you had while drinking will be there front and center when you stop drinking. What changes is your perception as you no longer drink your way through an issue, but address it with a clear mind.
4) Don't count the days, make the days count.
10 months ago | [YT] | 0
View 0 replies