U.S. Military Bans Men With Girl Names From Participating In Combat

Mother Extremists Hijack Airwaves To Broadcast Photos Of Their Children | Onion News Network

Elon Musk Creates Federal Employee Revenge Porn Database

Trump Announces Seal Team 6 Killed U.S. Protester In Daring Overnight Raid

The Onion Cultural Standard: Yellowjackets

Ozempic User Explains How Weight Loss Changed The Way People Slapped Her Belly

Climate Protestors Throw Paint On The Louvre’s 1988 Copy Of ‘Hustler’ Magazine

The Onion Cultural Standard: The Bachelor

Death Of Chopped-Up Woman Ruled A Suicide

Former Cult Leader Reveals How He Escaped Needy Followers

Report: You Could Just Lose An Arm One Day

CEO’s Son Explains Why He Refuses To Let Father Help Him Sexually Harass Subordinates

Local Teen Invents Masturbation | Onion News Network

Immigrant Criticizes Swimsuit Competition Portion Of U.S. Citizenship Test

Pope Francis Left In Hot Popemobile | Onion News Network

CIA Announces It Has Obtained The Briefcase | Onion News Network

GigSlave Goes Public With $84 Billion Valuation | Onion News Network

Megachurch Conducts Successful Nuclear Missile Test | Onion News Network

Biden In Critical Condition After Sticking Tongue In Marine One Chopper Blade | Onion News Network

Ho, Ho, Ho, I'm Regrowing My Foreskin!

Doctor Warns Of Damaging Effects Child Obesity Having On Mall Santas | Onion Now: Focus

Wrongly Convicted Death Row Inmate Exonerated Mere Hours After Execution | Onion News Network

Data Mining Has Created A World Where Everyone Is For Sale. But Could It Also Have A Downside?

College Student Explains What Its Like To Be First In Family Forced To Drink Own Urine In Frat House

Study: More Americans Buying Firearms To Defend Selves From Toddlers Who Found Their Guns

Cash-Strapped Subway Threatens To Reveal Identities Of Customers Who Eat Subway If They Don’t Pay

Taylor Swift Arrested On Weapons Charges After Federal Agents Raid Tour Bus | Onion News Network

Expert Explains Why, Essentially, You’re Fucked | Onion Now: Focus

Neo-Nazi Pulls Off Surprise Victory In Long-Held KKK District | Onion News Network

ELECTION ALERT: Still Too Early To Know Which Minority To Scapegoat | Onion News Network

Election Touchscreen Map Takes Deeper Look Inside Key Swing Voter | Onion News Network

The Elderly Vote | American Voter

New Trump Ad Shows Montage Of People He’ll Kill If Elected | Onion News Network

The Immigrant Vote | American Voter

U.S. Deploys Socially Awkward Men Along Border To Deter Migrants | Onion News Network

The One Percent | American Voter

Conservative Man Proudly Frightened Of Everything | Onion Now: Focus

‘New York Times’ To Cease Publication

Trump Vows To Outlaw Electricity To Secure Powerful Amish Vote | Onion News Network

Voters Warned Ballots Flushed Down Toilet Will No Longer Be Counted | Onion News Network

Mayor Explains Why He Changed City Named After Slave-Owning Founder To Salami Town

JD Vance Under Fire For Resurfaced Remarks Criticizing Childless Children | Onion News Network

God's Penis Visible In Night Sky For First Time In Millennia | Onion News Network

9/11 Truther Questions Why There Were Two Huge Bullseyes Painted On Side Of Twin Towers

The Onion Reviews 'The Fast And The Furious'

Activist Explains Initiative To Provide Safe Housing To Electric Scooters

Join America’s Finest Membership

Man Can’t Believe How Much Disney World Charging For Sex With Goofy

Female Competitive Drowner Explains Why Trans Athletes Should Not Compete In Competitive Drowning

The Onion Film Standard: Deadpool & Wolverine

Special Orders Chefs Hate The Most And Why

Hobby Lobby Announces It Muslim Now

Women Explain How They’d Like To Have Their Bodies Restricted Next

Zelensky Challenges Putin To Settle Ukraine War On The Dance Floor

Secret Service Finds Biden Attempting To Dig Own Grave On White House Lawn

Disney Unveils New Mass Grave Where Fans Can Be Buried Alive With Favorite Characters Forever

First Neuralink Implant Recipient Successfully Performs Depraved Sexual Acts On Elon Musk

Elon Musk Rushed To Hospital After Attempting To Impregnate Toaster

Florida Names Penis As Official State Genital

Triumphant Biden Announces U.S. Has Killed Man Who Kind Of Looks Like Osama Bin Laden