White House Evacuated After Trans Alarm Goes Off

U.N. Warns Iran Stockpiling Creatine To Develop Washboard Abs

U.S. Government Stages Fake Coup To Wipe Out National Debt

Ten Percent Of U S High School Students Graduating Without Basic Object Permanence Skills

Horrified Subway Execs Assumed People Were Buying Footlongs To Share With A Friend

How To Successfully Sue Other Moms Who Steal Your Parenting Tricks

The Onion Reviews 'Spider-Man Homecoming'

Trump Orders His Face Added To The Pep Boys Logo

Satellite Images Reveal Drunk Father Stockpiling Fireworks

Satellite Images Reveal Drunk Father Stockpiling Fireworks

Domino's Tests Limits Of What Humans Will Eat

The Onion x Kenneth Cole

Mother Advocates For Right To Expose Milk Engorged Breasts in Public

FEMA Head Under Fire After Accidentally Playing Porn On Emergency Alert System

Congress Forgets How To Pass A Law

FEMA Head Under Fire After Accidentally Playing Porn On Emergency Alert System

Army Holds Annual 'Bring Your Daughter To War' Day

The Onion Celebrates The 50th Anniversary Of 'Jaws'

Trump Imposes 50% Tariff On Companies That Just Feel Chinese

Hollow Point Bullets Recalled That Don't Explode In Targets

Scientists Teach Father To Communicate Emotions Using Rudimentary Hand Gestures

Man Opens Up About Childhood Trauma Of Being Forced To Put On Jammies

The Onion Reviews 'E.T.'

Artificial Intelligence Explains Why Humans Have Nothing To Worry About

Tariff-Strained Apple Announces 7,083-Piece iPhone Kit

New Law Requires S_x Offenders To Wear Tinted Sunglasses, Cut-Off Shorts

JD Vance Rushed To Walter Reed After Inner Hillbilly Returns

FDA Official: "Just Eat A Goddamn Vegetable"

The Onion Reviews 'John Wick'

JD Vance Rushed To Walter Reed After Inner Hillbilly Returns

Multiple Stab Wounds May Be Harmful To Monkeys

'Gays Too Precious To Risk In Combat,' Says General

213 Killed In How Do You Pronounce That?

The Onion Reviews 'Mission Impossible'

213 Killed In How Do You Pronounce That?

Ultra Realistic Modern Warfare Game Features Awaiting Orders, Repairing Trucks

104-Year-Old Man Awarded WWII Medal Just To Be Nice

U.S. Military Bans Men With Girl Names From Participating In Combat

Honor Our Troops By Watching Over This Sleeping Soldier

U.S. Military Bans Men With Girl Names From Participating In Combat

Perfectly Good Tire Just Sitting There Behind The Kroger

U.S. Military Bans Men With Girl Names From Participating In Combat

The Onion’s June 2025 Bestseller List

GOP Maintains Solid Hold On Youth That Already Look Like Old Men

Troubled Democrats To Undergo Party Counseling

Ear Of Genetically Modified Corn Begs For Death

Mother Extremists Hijack Airwaves To Broadcast Photos Of Their Children

Study Finds Growing Gap Between America's Rich and Super Rich