Expert Explains Why, Essentially, You’re Fucked

VH1 Bus Crash Causes Major Slut Spill

Taylor Swift Arrested On Weapons Charges After Federal Agents Raid Tour Bus

How Will The End Of Print Journalism Affect Old Loons Who Hoard Newspapers

U.S. Military Bans Men With Girl Names From Participating In Combat

Trump Announces Seal Team 6 Killed U.S. Protester In Daring Overnight Raid

New Abortion Bill Would Require Fetal Consent

The Onion Looks Back At 'Back To The Future'

JD Vance Rushed To Walter Reed After Inner Hillbilly Returns

The Onion Looks Back At 'The Sound Of Music'

'Just Give Me The Damn Sepak Takraw Ball'

Death Of Chopped-Up Woman Ruled A Suicide

The Onion Reviews 'RoboCop'

CIA Announces It Has Obtained The Briefcase

1 Onion Subscriber vs. 20 Non-Subscribers | Free Tote Bag

Cash-Strapped Subway Threatens To Reveal Identities Of Customers Who Eat Subway If They Don’t Pay

Show Off Your Unique Mommy Style With A Handmade Wicker Car Seat

Local Teen Invents Masturbation

Get The Onion Member Exclusive Tote Bag with the Onion Membership

Death Row Inmate Exonerated Mere Hours After Execution

Where Do You Rank On The Overall Mom Leaderboard

More Americans Buying Firearms To Defend Selves From Toddlers Who Found Their Guns

BREAKING: Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere

Megachurch Conducts Successful Nuclear Missile Test

What Kind Of Mom Stick Is Right For You?

GigSlave App Goes Public

Ohio Replaces Lethal Injection With Humane New Head-Ripping-Off Machine

Men Fired In Wake Of #MeToo Come Forward About How It Took Them Several Hours To Find New Jobs

The Key To Getting Pregnant Is Letting Everyone Know You’re Trying

Jock Scientists Identify Gay Gene In Fellow Researcher Carl

Meat Prices Skyrocket After Cow Smashing Machine Gets All Beefed Up

It’s A Mom’s Right To Decide Whether Her Kids Ride A Stranger’s Dog

MotherShould: Baby Naming Tips for New Moms

NASA Discovers This Planet, Planet Earth, Just Might Be What It's Been Searching For All Along

Comcast Executive's One Man Show Now Mandatory Viewing For All Subscribers

Should Companies Discontinue Unpaid Intern Fights

Trump Administration Freezes Foreign Men

Shocking Video Captures Calm Police Officers Handling Situation Nonviolently

Immigrant Explains Difficulty Assimilating To Culture That Constantly Reboots Film Franchises

Colorado Boy Asks Nation Not To Find His Missing Little Brother

Shocking Video Captures Calm Police Officers Handling Situation Nonviolently

Girl Raised From Birth By Wolf Blitzer Taken Into Protective Custody

The Seven Male Role Models Every Child Needs For A Healthy Upbringing

White House Evacuated After Trans Alarm Goes Off

This Day In History The Invention Of The Handjob

White House Evacuated After Trans Alarm Goes Off

U.N. Warns Iran Stockpiling Creatine To Develop Washboard Abs

U.S. Government Stages Fake Coup To Wipe Out National Debt