NFL Concludes Ex-Players Taking Their Own Lives Because 'They Miss Football So Much'

ACLU Explains How Some Of Funds Raised Will Defend Rights Of Weirdos To Have Sex With Trees

Breaking News: Woman Crying On Train Platform

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Black Homeowners Receive Higher Appraisal After Displaying Pictures Of Klan Members

Who Killed Jeffery Epstein? The Missing Minutes.

The Night Epstein Died

How Jeffery Epstein Got Caught

The Case Against Jeffery Epstein

GOP Maintains Solid Hold On Youth That Already Look Like Old Men

EXCLUSIVE AUDIO: DOJ Interviews Ghislaine Maxwell

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Inside Epstein's Criminal Enterprise

Who Visited Epstein Island?

Who Was Jeffery Epstein?

The Onion Investigates: Jeffrey Epstein

Man Who Shit Pants In Grade School Awarded Purple Heart

Zebras Nature's Ultimate Prey - Horrifying Planet - Ep 1

Army Program Pairs Female Soldiers With Male Chaperones

New Study Shows That Bones Are Incredibly Cool

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Jeffery Epstein: Bad Pedophile Official Teaser

U.S. Forest Service Kills Off Smokey Bear To Get People Serious About Fire Safety

Cop Explains How It Feels To Live Every Day In Fear Someone Might Record You Brutalizing A Civilian

Southwest Airlines Rolls Out New 'Loyalty Goes Both Ways' Campaign

VIRAL VIDEO: High School Sophomore Sinks Incredible, Unnecessary Half Court Shot

BREAKING: Dogs Running

Nation Elects First Openly Drunk Senator

Jeffrey Epstein: Bad Pedophile | Official Teaser Trailer

Aging Senator Explains That Young People Should Get Involved In Politics Because She's Out Of Here

This App Turns Your Photos into Music If You Want to Do That For Some Reason

BREAKING: Incomprehensible Shouting Named Official U.S. Language

Bloomberg Defends NYPD's Controversial Stop And Kiss Program

Internet Outage Forces Public Into Street To Voice Their Inane Opinions

1 Onion Subscriber vs. 20 Non-Subscribers | Great Value

Prague's Kafka International Named Most Alienating Airport

Report: You Could Just Lose An Arm One Day

Surgeon General: Smoking Fine As Long As You Only Do It When You Drink

U.S. Deploys Socially Awkward Men Along Border To Deter Migrants

Americans Observing 9/11 By Trying Not To Masturbate

Expert Explains Why, Essentially, You’re Fucked

VH1 Bus Crash Causes Major Slut Spill

Taylor Swift Arrested On Weapons Charges After Federal Agents Raid Tour Bus

How Will The End Of Print Journalism Affect Old Loons Who Hoard Newspapers

U.S. Military Bans Men With Girl Names From Participating In Combat

Trump Announces Seal Team 6 Killed U.S. Protester In Daring Overnight Raid

New Abortion Bill Would Require Fetal Consent

The Onion Looks Back At 'Back To The Future'