Still figuring out how to have a platform, and what constitutes as a bad idea, no matter how hard I try to weave a moment of suffering (a turd) into a broader lesson in a vent post (a shiny turd).
I deleted a community post just now, it’s not a mystery, don’t worry about it; some things just really are only meant for support groups, and I didn’t have one at the moment
By virtue of still going out of my way to read every single comment, including replies to others’ comments (which is not a part of my notifications), I was starkly aware when a friend of mine received some negative attention to their comment on one of my recent uploads. This happened to them because of the way they type/write, in which they chiefly construct their sentences from phonetic puns.
This friend happens to be autistic, very affected to where — among the boundless list of what occurs, which I really should not have to unload for MANY reasons — overstimulation strikes hard and fast, and they’ve had to discover and develop mechanisms for engaging with life comfortably enough to function. They have resoundingly discovered that this method of writing helps them function.
Now, of course, hopefully you know that I really shouldn’t have needed to go into that much detail, in the effort to “explain” it. Because I think a great deal of you, amazingly, understand why Diminish was made the way it was, and why it’s been played the way it has. It seems most of you are here because you’ve long accepted the fact that this channel, and the game it centers on, were made by people who are very, very, VERY different, in ways that OTHER people have always gone out of their way to attempt to bend into the shape they’d prefer. Or, of course, to pound into the ground so they don’t have to look at what they don’t like.
It has taken me several days to attempt this post, because I needed this much time to cool off, me being very biased and compromised because of my friendship with this user. And I could go on for hundreds of pages about all my assumptions and projections about every little thing that made this case occur, and others. But I’ll try my best to make this response simple.
I’m not making this post to tell everyone that they can’t say anything about anyone ever. In fact, my mods can act upon their discretion, but I’ve myself never deleted a YouTube comment in my life, on any account. So genuinely, as everyone knows, you’re allowed to like things, and to have disgust for things. You even have the right to voice those things directly to people. We all know the drill. This is the Internet, and that’s the way of things, right?
Just know that if I see you being a piece of shit, especially in this space, it will cause me to dislike you. That really does NOT have to matter to you on the grounds of me being some pantheon of respect. It’s just constantly clear that people think “I’m lawfully allowed to say what’s on my mind; you should be prepared” means that it’s everyone else’s fault when there are consequences, or that the consequences aren’t actually consequences. And if you've ever found any understanding of the sentiments that Teddy poured into this final scream, and you’re still here, then you should understand why the event that prompted this post is perplexing.
If you find a person who structures their writing in word puns - or my defense of them - to be a sticking point, then that is 3000% your prerogative. It is also my right to defend my friend when you directly discourage them from their personality, which has brought my life so much color and joy. It is up to you whether or not this eventuality is a consequence for either of us.
On a lighter note.
The grand majority of you really, really stun me in the best way. I never believed a group of people this large could somehow be so collectively compassionate and empathetic. God, if only Teddy could’ve seen you.
All the best, and please be good to each other.
(This was supposed to be a SCHEDULED post so I could ruminate and modify, but as it turns out, “Schedule A Post” on the mobile app means “Post It Now, Dickhead”. So here it is I guess)
(If you do happen to find a thread which looks like The One, it seems that the replies that I saw have been removed...even if that weren’t the case, PLEASE do not harass anyone involved.)
Feels like I'm suddenly in a comfortable cranny with this channel, and it's impossible to state just how meaningful that is for me. Now that I'm hopefully rolling again with playing the game, I want to spritz in a few videos I've been meaning to for months. A lot of people asked for a release of my old tune, and I've been wanting to compile the full grind (including much more AFTER what was shown) for world record in Kjorteo's SMM2 Diminish level.
Also, premiering the next at 3:30 EST (about 14 hours from now)
It seems that YouTube doesn’t do much with my posts when I actually share the premiere link, so I’ll just say “the premiere waiting room is up now!” this time and see what that does
I aired the beginning of it on this day, one year ago. I didn't even know if I was going to have the guts to keep going past that first video. In any case, I figured this channel would rest in the shadows, maybe accruing 100 subscribers if the stars aligned.
20,000 of you have arrived.
I NEVER imagined there was enough in the game to actually keep me playing for this long. I suddenly get the feeling that the stuff I haven’t seen yet outweighs the stuff I have already seen. Today, I caught a look at the ocean level in the game engine. It's tiny. It's like she barely had to lift a finger to make it. I still don't know how she pulled the end result off.
Coding is completely foreign to me, but in the hands of someone knowledgable...what she said about it was right. She has taken a photograph of her mind and told it how to break out of the frame. The knowledge she gained in her life of tinkering allowed the two of us to spend huge amounts of time together after her death.
On one hand, that is a relief beyond words. On the other, that is a terror beyond reckoning. But that wouldn't be true if this had remained private.
I think the majority of this has played out as she intended. The way I've had to face certain things, and come to terms with them. The joy of feeling like we're together again.
But I don't know if she anticipated the *level* to which this promise might become public. Obviously she knew there was a slim chance that my playthrough *could* gain some traction, but neither of us had experienced any iota of online fame. She was already off social media when she became a local superstar, and I was always me.
So I don't know if she wanted *this* experience for me. Even though I just got to the part where she laid all that bare. She knew that I've fixated hardest on the bad faith actors in my life, with no leads yet on how to work through that. She knew all too well that my brain was born with less defenses against all of it. The experience of running a channel which has achieved this level of popularity, while playing a game this personally intense, while IRL things continue to throw wrenches, is often overpowering. I don't think she would've wanted it to be *this* loud in my ears.
But it really does seem she's designed Act II, so far, to put me directly into the light. As such, I think people are starting to truly notice the reasons *why* I've always kept apologizing over and over about myself. Some people are enjoying the experience far less when I'm the only thing "happening". I know that I should be taking it in stride, but it's reinforced a bit too much from past experience. And maybe I don't have to take it in stride. I don't know. It's so confusing.
I keep having to tell myself to trust her; that she did this by design, that it's going to help me at some point. But as of now, when I go to bed every night, all I can think about are the infrequent comments talking about how disappointing this all is; how it's letting them down. And then I wake up and remember how months ago, I was talking a big show about moving forward, not caring so much about what people think of me...and the sting of that failure adds so much weight. And then the pang of guilt for interpreting that as a failure. It's a hilariously harmful cycle which I have no clue how to stop.
The truth is, some people out there really just don't care about grief and pain. Or they have very, very specific ideas on how it "should happen". About how "it has its place, BUT..."
And yes, I know it's probably a ridiculously small amount of people that actually think I'm doing all this "wrong" for whatever reason. Who are angry at me for something that isn't about them at all. But I've tried my entire life to not fixate so hard on the vocal minority, and yet they rule my life to this day.
Did she really think this would be good for me?
The answers to my questions so far have often surprised me. I'll keep giving this one its space.
A "situation" several days ago kept me from editing together the rest of my recent playsession, but I'm still feeling momentum from last time, and the game looks like it's going to be getting easier to make videos with again for now. So, that's good I suppose. I might be able to sleep easier. Maybe for the wrong reasons.
I do know that I'm grateful to you all for the right reasons. And I care about you all a bit too much. But thank you.
Diminish
Diminish
Still figuring out how to have a platform, and what constitutes as a bad idea, no matter how hard I try to weave a moment of suffering (a turd) into a broader lesson in a vent post (a shiny turd).
I deleted a community post just now, it’s not a mystery, don’t worry about it; some things just really are only meant for support groups, and I didn’t have one at the moment
2 years ago | [YT] | 454
View 26 replies
Diminish
Released my old tune that she touched up. It’s the most recent upload here. Hope you enjoy
2 years ago | [YT] | 272
View 6 replies
Diminish
High quality rip, just like I remember it
Thank you so much
2 years ago | [YT] | 127
View 3 replies
Diminish
Hi everyone.
By virtue of still going out of my way to read every single comment, including replies to others’ comments (which is not a part of my notifications), I was starkly aware when a friend of mine received some negative attention to their comment on one of my recent uploads. This happened to them because of the way they type/write, in which they chiefly construct their sentences from phonetic puns.
This friend happens to be autistic, very affected to where — among the boundless list of what occurs, which I really should not have to unload for MANY reasons — overstimulation strikes hard and fast, and they’ve had to discover and develop mechanisms for engaging with life comfortably enough to function. They have resoundingly discovered that this method of writing helps them function.
Now, of course, hopefully you know that I really shouldn’t have needed to go into that much detail, in the effort to “explain” it. Because I think a great deal of you, amazingly, understand why Diminish was made the way it was, and why it’s been played the way it has. It seems most of you are here because you’ve long accepted the fact that this channel, and the game it centers on, were made by people who are very, very, VERY different, in ways that OTHER people have always gone out of their way to attempt to bend into the shape they’d prefer. Or, of course, to pound into the ground so they don’t have to look at what they don’t like.
It has taken me several days to attempt this post, because I needed this much time to cool off, me being very biased and compromised because of my friendship with this user. And I could go on for hundreds of pages about all my assumptions and projections about every little thing that made this case occur, and others. But I’ll try my best to make this response simple.
I’m not making this post to tell everyone that they can’t say anything about anyone ever. In fact, my mods can act upon their discretion, but I’ve myself never deleted a YouTube comment in my life, on any account. So genuinely, as everyone knows, you’re allowed to like things, and to have disgust for things. You even have the right to voice those things directly to people. We all know the drill. This is the Internet, and that’s the way of things, right?
Just know that if I see you being a piece of shit, especially in this space, it will cause me to dislike you. That really does NOT have to matter to you on the grounds of me being some pantheon of respect. It’s just constantly clear that people think “I’m lawfully allowed to say what’s on my mind; you should be prepared” means that it’s everyone else’s fault when there are consequences, or that the consequences aren’t actually consequences. And if you've ever found any understanding of the sentiments that Teddy poured into this final scream, and you’re still here, then you should understand why the event that prompted this post is perplexing.
If you find a person who structures their writing in word puns - or my defense of them - to be a sticking point, then that is 3000% your prerogative. It is also my right to defend my friend when you directly discourage them from their personality, which has brought my life so much color and joy. It is up to you whether or not this eventuality is a consequence for either of us.
On a lighter note.
The grand majority of you really, really stun me in the best way. I never believed a group of people this large could somehow be so collectively compassionate and empathetic. God, if only Teddy could’ve seen you.
All the best, and please be good to each other.
(This was supposed to be a SCHEDULED post so I could ruminate and modify, but as it turns out, “Schedule A Post” on the mobile app means “Post It Now, Dickhead”. So here it is I guess)
(If you do happen to find a thread which looks like The One, it seems that the replies that I saw have been removed...even if that weren’t the case, PLEASE do not harass anyone involved.)
2 years ago (edited) | [YT] | 406
View 31 replies
Diminish
Feels like I'm suddenly in a comfortable cranny with this channel, and it's impossible to state just how meaningful that is for me. Now that I'm hopefully rolling again with playing the game, I want to spritz in a few videos I've been meaning to for months. A lot of people asked for a release of my old tune, and I've been wanting to compile the full grind (including much more AFTER what was shown) for world record in Kjorteo's SMM2 Diminish level.
And meanwhile, we'll keep following the sun
Thank you again
2 years ago | [YT] | 377
View 14 replies
Diminish
Also, premiering the next at 3:30 EST (about 14 hours from now)
It seems that YouTube doesn’t do much with my posts when I actually share the premiere link, so I’ll just say “the premiere waiting room is up now!” this time and see what that does
3 years ago | [YT] | 184
View 4 replies
Diminish
Just gonna sorta release an episode in a few minutes
3 years ago | [YT] | 218
View 14 replies
Diminish
See you soon.
3 years ago | [YT] | 58
View 2 replies
Diminish
Continuing my journey into her game soon.
I aired the beginning of it on this day, one year ago. I didn't even know if I was going to have the guts to keep going past that first video. In any case, I figured this channel would rest in the shadows, maybe accruing 100 subscribers if the stars aligned.
20,000 of you have arrived.
I NEVER imagined there was enough in the game to actually keep me playing for this long. I suddenly get the feeling that the stuff I haven’t seen yet outweighs the stuff I have already seen. Today, I caught a look at the ocean level in the game engine. It's tiny. It's like she barely had to lift a finger to make it. I still don't know how she pulled the end result off.
Coding is completely foreign to me, but in the hands of someone knowledgable...what she said about it was right. She has taken a photograph of her mind and told it how to break out of the frame. The knowledge she gained in her life of tinkering allowed the two of us to spend huge amounts of time together after her death.
On one hand, that is a relief beyond words. On the other, that is a terror beyond reckoning. But that wouldn't be true if this had remained private.
I think the majority of this has played out as she intended. The way I've had to face certain things, and come to terms with them. The joy of feeling like we're together again.
But I don't know if she anticipated the *level* to which this promise might become public. Obviously she knew there was a slim chance that my playthrough *could* gain some traction, but neither of us had experienced any iota of online fame. She was already off social media when she became a local superstar, and I was always me.
So I don't know if she wanted *this* experience for me. Even though I just got to the part where she laid all that bare. She knew that I've fixated hardest on the bad faith actors in my life, with no leads yet on how to work through that. She knew all too well that my brain was born with less defenses against all of it. The experience of running a channel which has achieved this level of popularity, while playing a game this personally intense, while IRL things continue to throw wrenches, is often overpowering. I don't think she would've wanted it to be *this* loud in my ears.
But it really does seem she's designed Act II, so far, to put me directly into the light. As such, I think people are starting to truly notice the reasons *why* I've always kept apologizing over and over about myself. Some people are enjoying the experience far less when I'm the only thing "happening". I know that I should be taking it in stride, but it's reinforced a bit too much from past experience. And maybe I don't have to take it in stride. I don't know. It's so confusing.
I keep having to tell myself to trust her; that she did this by design, that it's going to help me at some point. But as of now, when I go to bed every night, all I can think about are the infrequent comments talking about how disappointing this all is; how it's letting them down. And then I wake up and remember how months ago, I was talking a big show about moving forward, not caring so much about what people think of me...and the sting of that failure adds so much weight. And then the pang of guilt for interpreting that as a failure. It's a hilariously harmful cycle which I have no clue how to stop.
The truth is, some people out there really just don't care about grief and pain. Or they have very, very specific ideas on how it "should happen". About how "it has its place, BUT..."
And yes, I know it's probably a ridiculously small amount of people that actually think I'm doing all this "wrong" for whatever reason. Who are angry at me for something that isn't about them at all. But I've tried my entire life to not fixate so hard on the vocal minority, and yet they rule my life to this day.
Did she really think this would be good for me?
The answers to my questions so far have often surprised me. I'll keep giving this one its space.
A "situation" several days ago kept me from editing together the rest of my recent playsession, but I'm still feeling momentum from last time, and the game looks like it's going to be getting easier to make videos with again for now. So, that's good I suppose. I might be able to sleep easier. Maybe for the wrong reasons.
I do know that I'm grateful to you all for the right reasons. And I care about you all a bit too much. But thank you.
3 years ago (edited) | [YT] | 664
View 45 replies
Diminish
Premiering this one. If you can and would like, see you in three hours.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GIIml...
3 years ago | [YT] | 65
View 1 reply
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