I aired the beginning of it on this day, one year ago. I didn't even know if I was going to have the guts to keep going past that first video. In any case, I figured this channel would rest in the shadows, maybe accruing 100 subscribers if the stars aligned.
20,000 of you have arrived.
I NEVER imagined there was enough in the game to actually keep me playing for this long. I suddenly get the feeling that the stuff I haven’t seen yet outweighs the stuff I have already seen. Today, I caught a look at the ocean level in the game engine. It's tiny. It's like she barely had to lift a finger to make it. I still don't know how she pulled the end result off.
Coding is completely foreign to me, but in the hands of someone knowledgable...what she said about it was right. She has taken a photograph of her mind and told it how to break out of the frame. The knowledge she gained in her life of tinkering allowed the two of us to spend huge amounts of time together after her death.
On one hand, that is a relief beyond words. On the other, that is a terror beyond reckoning. But that wouldn't be true if this had remained private.
I think the majority of this has played out as she intended. The way I've had to face certain things, and come to terms with them. The joy of feeling like we're together again.
But I don't know if she anticipated the *level* to which this promise might become public. Obviously she knew there was a slim chance that my playthrough *could* gain some traction, but neither of us had experienced any iota of online fame. She was already off social media when she became a local superstar, and I was always me.
So I don't know if she wanted *this* experience for me. Even though I just got to the part where she laid all that bare. She knew that I've fixated hardest on the bad faith actors in my life, with no leads yet on how to work through that. She knew all too well that my brain was born with less defenses against all of it. The experience of running a channel which has achieved this level of popularity, while playing a game this personally intense, while IRL things continue to throw wrenches, is often overpowering. I don't think she would've wanted it to be *this* loud in my ears.
But it really does seem she's designed Act II, so far, to put me directly into the light. As such, I think people are starting to truly notice the reasons *why* I've always kept apologizing over and over about myself. Some people are enjoying the experience far less when I'm the only thing "happening". I know that I should be taking it in stride, but it's reinforced a bit too much from past experience. And maybe I don't have to take it in stride. I don't know. It's so confusing.
I keep having to tell myself to trust her; that she did this by design, that it's going to help me at some point. But as of now, when I go to bed every night, all I can think about are the infrequent comments talking about how disappointing this all is; how it's letting them down. And then I wake up and remember how months ago, I was talking a big show about moving forward, not caring so much about what people think of me...and the sting of that failure adds so much weight. And then the pang of guilt for interpreting that as a failure. It's a hilariously harmful cycle which I have no clue how to stop.
The truth is, some people out there really just don't care about grief and pain. Or they have very, very specific ideas on how it "should happen". About how "it has its place, BUT..."
And yes, I know it's probably a ridiculously small amount of people that actually think I'm doing all this "wrong" for whatever reason. Who are angry at me for something that isn't about them at all. But I've tried my entire life to not fixate so hard on the vocal minority, and yet they rule my life to this day.
Did she really think this would be good for me?
The answers to my questions so far have often surprised me. I'll keep giving this one its space.
A "situation" several days ago kept me from editing together the rest of my recent playsession, but I'm still feeling momentum from last time, and the game looks like it's going to be getting easier to make videos with again for now. So, that's good I suppose. I might be able to sleep easier. Maybe for the wrong reasons.
I do know that I'm grateful to you all for the right reasons. And I care about you all a bit too much. But thank you.
Diminish
Continuing my journey into her game soon.
I aired the beginning of it on this day, one year ago. I didn't even know if I was going to have the guts to keep going past that first video. In any case, I figured this channel would rest in the shadows, maybe accruing 100 subscribers if the stars aligned.
20,000 of you have arrived.
I NEVER imagined there was enough in the game to actually keep me playing for this long. I suddenly get the feeling that the stuff I haven’t seen yet outweighs the stuff I have already seen. Today, I caught a look at the ocean level in the game engine. It's tiny. It's like she barely had to lift a finger to make it. I still don't know how she pulled the end result off.
Coding is completely foreign to me, but in the hands of someone knowledgable...what she said about it was right. She has taken a photograph of her mind and told it how to break out of the frame. The knowledge she gained in her life of tinkering allowed the two of us to spend huge amounts of time together after her death.
On one hand, that is a relief beyond words. On the other, that is a terror beyond reckoning. But that wouldn't be true if this had remained private.
I think the majority of this has played out as she intended. The way I've had to face certain things, and come to terms with them. The joy of feeling like we're together again.
But I don't know if she anticipated the *level* to which this promise might become public. Obviously she knew there was a slim chance that my playthrough *could* gain some traction, but neither of us had experienced any iota of online fame. She was already off social media when she became a local superstar, and I was always me.
So I don't know if she wanted *this* experience for me. Even though I just got to the part where she laid all that bare. She knew that I've fixated hardest on the bad faith actors in my life, with no leads yet on how to work through that. She knew all too well that my brain was born with less defenses against all of it. The experience of running a channel which has achieved this level of popularity, while playing a game this personally intense, while IRL things continue to throw wrenches, is often overpowering. I don't think she would've wanted it to be *this* loud in my ears.
But it really does seem she's designed Act II, so far, to put me directly into the light. As such, I think people are starting to truly notice the reasons *why* I've always kept apologizing over and over about myself. Some people are enjoying the experience far less when I'm the only thing "happening". I know that I should be taking it in stride, but it's reinforced a bit too much from past experience. And maybe I don't have to take it in stride. I don't know. It's so confusing.
I keep having to tell myself to trust her; that she did this by design, that it's going to help me at some point. But as of now, when I go to bed every night, all I can think about are the infrequent comments talking about how disappointing this all is; how it's letting them down. And then I wake up and remember how months ago, I was talking a big show about moving forward, not caring so much about what people think of me...and the sting of that failure adds so much weight. And then the pang of guilt for interpreting that as a failure. It's a hilariously harmful cycle which I have no clue how to stop.
The truth is, some people out there really just don't care about grief and pain. Or they have very, very specific ideas on how it "should happen". About how "it has its place, BUT..."
And yes, I know it's probably a ridiculously small amount of people that actually think I'm doing all this "wrong" for whatever reason. Who are angry at me for something that isn't about them at all. But I've tried my entire life to not fixate so hard on the vocal minority, and yet they rule my life to this day.
Did she really think this would be good for me?
The answers to my questions so far have often surprised me. I'll keep giving this one its space.
A "situation" several days ago kept me from editing together the rest of my recent playsession, but I'm still feeling momentum from last time, and the game looks like it's going to be getting easier to make videos with again for now. So, that's good I suppose. I might be able to sleep easier. Maybe for the wrong reasons.
I do know that I'm grateful to you all for the right reasons. And I care about you all a bit too much. But thank you.
3 years ago (edited) | [YT] | 664