2:47
Obama Scales Back Goals For America After Visiting Denny's
The Onion
2:30
U.S. Government Stages Fake Coup To Wipe Out National Debt
1:39
Domino's Tests Limits Of What Humans Will Eat
2:31
Sony Releases Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn't Fucking Work
2:52
Today Now!:Finding Masculine Halloween Costumes For Your Effeminate Son
Scientists Successfully Teach Gorilla It Will Die Someday
3:02
Supreme Court: Death Penalty Is 'Totally Badass'
3:17
Al Qaeda Populating U.S. With Peaceful 'Decoy Muslims'
1:54
Judge Rules White Girl Will Be Tried As Black Adult
3:11
American Dream Declared Dead As Final Believer Gives Up
10:37
The Onion's Future News From The Year 2137
3:06
Florida To Experiment With New 600-Lever Voting Machine
1:59
'No Values Voters' Search For Most Evil Candidate
2:44
Gifted Youngster Sells Cookies To Buy Attack Ad
2:59
First Openly Gay Racehorse To Compete Sunday
2:25
Morbid Curiosity Leading Many Voters To Support Palin
1:31
Gap Unveils New 'For Kids By Kids' Clothing Line
2:46
13-Year-Old Drinking Prodigy Accepted To Ohio State
2:07
FDA Approves Depressant Drug For The Annoyingly Cheerful
2:41
Disney Geneticists Debut New Child Stars
Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard
2:38
Hostages Trapped Inside Walmart Insisting They Never Shop At Walmart
2:29
Report: Every Potential 2040 President Already Unelectable Due To Facebook
2:03
Middle-Aged Woman Angrily Demanding Price Check Was Once Carefree Youth, Onlookers Speculate
1:25
New Prius Helps Environment By Killing Its Owner
1:24
Small-Town Mayor Steps Down Amid Scandal Over Forged Coupon
2:36
Pop Star's Single, 'Booty Wave', Most Likely Civilization's Downfall
2:56
Romney Wears Anti-Bacterial Yellow Gloves While Greeting Rust Belt Americans
2:33
Joe Biden Hitchhikes To Democratic National Convention
2:18
Google Opt Out Feature Lets Users Protect Privacy By Moving To Remote Village
2:04
Department Of Treasury Releases New Monsters Of The Silver Screen 20 Dollar Bill
2:55
Israel Unveils New Defense System To Deflect Accusations Of Human Rights Violations
2:40
Tea Party Quiet... Too Quiet
2:45
GOP Trying To Keep Elderly Voting Base Alive Until November
After Obama Victory, Shrieking White-Hot Sphere Of Pure Rage Early GOP Front-Runner For 2016
Should Obama Blow The Silver Horn The Founding Fathers Left In Case The Country Ever Needed Them?
2:26
Prague's Kafka International Named Most Alienating Airport
3:30
Sheltered Suburban School Already Knows They're Going To Fuck Up Black History Month
Southwest Airlines Rolls Out New 'Loyalty Goes Both Ways' Campaign
3:01
All Online Data Lost After Internet Crash
Embarrassing Bounced Check From Greece Taped Up In IMF Headquarters
2:39
Police: Kidnapped MoveOn.org Staffer's "Please Help" Emails Went Completely Ignored
Supreme Court Revokes Annoying Man's Free Speech Rights (Season 1 Ep: 3 on IFC)
New Facebook Feature Scans Profile To Pinpoint Exactly When Things Went Wrong
Facebook To Allow Changes To Privacy Settings If Users Guess Word In Locket Worn By Mark Zuckerberg
Kay Jewelers Recalls 2 Million Cursed Wedding Rings
3:22
A Recap Of This Week's Royal Baby Coverage
Meet The Man Inside The Nicolas Cage Costume
Final Minutes Of Last Harry Potter Movie To Be Split Into Seven Separate Films
4:19
Popular Children's Book Author Reveals The 'Spooky Truth' About Creepy Conspiracy Theories
2:16
Annual Valentine's Day Stoning Of Happy Couple Held
2:12
Oprah Invites Hundreds Of Lucky Fans To Be Buried With Her In Massive Tomb
Old, Grizzled Third-Party Candidate Threatens McCain's Base
2:14
China Launches First Willing Manned Mission Into Space
2:05
China Celebrates Status As Number One Polluter
Romney To Travel Back In Time To Kill Liberal Versions Of Himself
Romney, Santorum Supporters To Beat Living Shit Out Of Each Other At Montana Primary
DEA Recruits Lil Wayne To Use Up All Drugs In Mexico
Ohio Replaces Lethal Injection With Humane New Head-Ripping-Off Machine
2:28
Are Reality Shows Setting Unrealistic Standards For Skanks?
1:16
Obama Issues Presidential Pardon To Get Biden Out Of Jail For Third Time This Year
1:10
Biden Unveils New Health Initiative To Make U.S. Women Hotter
1:55
New Psychedelic Weight Loss Drug Transforms Food Into Monstrous Hallucinations
1:46
Christian Charity Helps To Feed Non-Gay Hungry
Users Explain What They Love About Onion Social
1:30
Malicious Focus Group Convinces Marketers Cinnamon Mountain Dew Is The Next Big Thing
1:57
Biden Criticized For Appearing In Hennessy Ads
3:09
Media Company Lays Off Dozens Of Unskilled Bloggers
New Wearable Computer Also Sucks Your Dick
2:42
America's Roommates Launch 'One Vote Doesn't Matter' Campaign
Man Attempts To Assassinate Obama, 'But Not Because He's Black Or Anything'
1:38
Deadly Virus Sweeping China Is Just Olympic Fever
3:15
United States Settles .000000012% Of China Debt With Autographed Photo Of Jon Hamm
Tampa Bay Gay Prostitutes Gearing Up For Flood Of Closeted Republicans
3:18
New Report Shows Record Year For Births Of Test Tube Abominations
2:34
This Week In History: First McDonald's Opens With A Young Grimace Just Starting Out As A Cashier
3:00
This Week In History: V.E. Day Commemorated With Historic Radio Address From FDR's Rotting Corpse
2:57
This Week In History: Sears Tower Constructed With Bold Challenge To God Engraved On Roof
3:25
This Week In History: Holy Shit, Man Walks On Fucking Moon
3:04
This Week In History: Statue Of Liberty Arrives From France, Moves Into Cramped Tenement Building
3:08
Brooklyn Bridge Opens, Completely Revolutionizes Suicide In Fetid Hellhole Of New York City
2:09
Representative Wants To Meet More Kids Online
U.S. Forest Service Kills Off Smokey Bear To Get People Serious About Fire Safety
Onion Talks: Hypothetically It Would Be Okay To Have Sex With A Robot Dog
Your Brain-Gun: Turn The Safety Off - Onion Talks - Ep. 12
1:13
Deadly Super Rainbow Tears Through West Coast
ONN Exclusive: Fire-Ninja Inferno Becomes First Openly Gay Fatal Melee Fighter
Minnesota Braces For Return Of Bachmann's Full Attention
Scientists Teach Father To Communicate Emotions Using Rudimentary Hand Gestures
How Does A Hive Mind Keep A Synchronized Swimming Team So Coordinated?
New Anti-Smoking Ads Warn Teens 'It's Gay To Smoke'
2:32
Soccer Officially Announces It Is Gay
1:00
New High Tech Voting Machine Lets Voters Mutilate Candidate They Oppose
White House Officials Confirm Malia Obama Now Seven Feet, Nine Inches Tall
15:55
Disney World On Lockdown After Mickey Escapes Enclosure, Rampages Through Park
Law Prohibits Nation's Shawnas From Using Tanning Beds
Group Of Hunky Cardinals Appeals To Pope To Relax Celibacy Requirement
U.S. Condemned For Pre-Emptive Use Of Hillary Clinton Against Pakistan
2:13
Patriotic Teen Fails Spanish
3:29
Bratz Dolls May Give Girls Unrealistic Expectations Of Head Size
Survivors Of Gas Station Explosion Mourn Tragic Loss Of Gas
1:37
Nation Somehow Failed To Predict Attack By Michael Bay
LIVE
[Private video]
How To Avoid Unbearable Facebook Bullshit On Election Day
1:36
Man Who Shit Pants In Grade School Awarded Purple Heart
3:10
Brain-Dead Teen, Only Capable Of Rolling Eyes And Texting, To Be Euthanized
1:29
Horrified Subway Execs Assumed People Were Buying Footlongs To Share With A Friend
1:15
Ten Percent Of U.S. High School Students Graduating Without Basic Object Permanence Skills
2:58
Congress Forgets How To Pass A Law
3:37
Year In Review: 2012
Child Bankrupts Make-A-Wish Foundation
Gaffe-Prone Biden Embarrasses Nation Yet Again By Sneezing During Meeting
Overjoyed Florida Gay Couples Rush Out To Have Marriage Denied
White House Reveals Obama Is Bipolar, Has Entered Depressive Phase
2:19
Steve Jobs Resigns After Realizing Technology Has Gone As Far As It Can
Economists Warn Anti-Bush Product Market Close To Collapse
3:48
Spam Crackdown Threatens Koy4Goff's Penis Enlarger Industry
2:02
Ambassador Stages UN Coup, Issues Long List of Non-Binding Resolutions
Memorial Honors Victims Of Imminent Dam Disaster
4:03
Maximize Your Brainpower By Firing Every Neuron At Once
Ron Paul Makes Campaign Stop In Whimsical Jalopy
2:23
New GOP Smartphone App Streamlines Voter Discrimination In Swing States
2:20
Press Secretary Spins Wife's Death As A Positive
Obama Begs U.S. Not To Embarrass Him In Front Of French (Season 1: Ep 8 on IFC)
Using Social Media To Cover For Lack Of Original Thought - Onion Talks - Ep. 6
3:39
Loudness Equals Power - Onion Talks - Ep. 2
National Dating Standards Lowered
Poll: Bullshit Is Most Important Issue For 2008 Voters
Advocacy Group Decries PETA's Inhumane Treatment Of Women
3:45
Attractive Girls Union Refuses To Talk With Mike Greenman
Newsroom : Congress Announces Plan To Hide Nation's Porn From Future Generations
Social Security Reform Bill Encourages Americans To Live Faster, Die Younger
1:42
Parents Keep Deceased Son's Memory Alive Through His Awful Tumblr
2:11
Stouffers To Include Suicide Prevention Tips On Single Serve Microwavable Meals
First Female Dictator Hailed As Step Forward For Women
Pretend You Give A Shit About The Election
Prison Economy Spirals As Price Of Pack Of Cigarettes Surpasses Two Hand Jobs
Is Using A Minotaur To Gore Detainees A Form Of Torture?
2:27
Poll: Happy, Healthy Obamas Out Of Touch With Miserable Americans
Truck Accident That Killed Rafters in Canyon Sparks Truck-Canyon-Rafter Reform Debate
2:00
Has Obama Failed To Reduce Hostility Toward Obnoxious Americans Abroad?
In The Know: Has Halloween Become Overcommercialized?
Oklahoma Doctors Can Now Legally Pretend To Give Abortions
Putin Learns Putin Behind Plot To Assassinate Putin
2:35
Man Approaching Attractive Woman Fails To Notice Chelsea Handler Book Until It's Too Late
Romney To Undergo Gender Reassignment Surgery To Better Connect With Women Voters
Dying Chevron Executive Excited To One Day Become Oil
2:37
Santorum Now Viciously Condemning Homosexuals, Minorities, Women For $100,000 Speaking Fee
Report: Typical City Bus Contains No Fewer Than Four Erections At Any Given Time
Purity Of War Marred By One Bad Apple In Afghanistan
Zombie Reagan Raised From Grave To Lead GOP
RNC Speech: ‘If We Don’t Elect Trump, Our Enemies Will’
15:08
Fun Toy Banned Because Of 3 Stupid Dead Kids
1:33
Tensions Mount After North Korea Destroys All Of Asia
1:23
Newsroom : Tiny Dog Has Been Barking Nonstop For 6 Years
Romney's Terrifying Google Search History Leaked
Concentric Circles Emanating From Glowing Red Dot
3:50
'The Rise And Fall Of Ziggy Stardust' Release Popularizes Glam Rock, Glam Education, Glam Politics
GOP Maintains Solid Hold On Youth That Already Look Like Old Men
1:28
Beyonce Unhurt After Stray Bullet Hits Passerby
1:22
Many U.S. Parents Outsourcing Child Care Overseas
Romney Courts Hispanic Vote With Animated Sombrero-Wearing Parrot
Report: Growing Ranks Of Nouveau Poor Facing Discrimination From Old Poor
2:08
Blockbuster Offers Glimpse Of Movie Renting Past
DEA Official Announces Successful Drug Bust On Son's Room
2:48
After Weeks Of Media Pressure, Shia LaBeouf Still Refusing To Have Public Meltdown
Live From Congress-The Skull Fucking Bill Of 2007
2:43
Businessman Does His Work Lying On Bed Like Schoolgirl
Christian Groups: Biblical Armageddon Must Be Taught Alongside Global Warming
It’s A Mom’s Right To Decide Whether Her Kids Ride A Stranger’s Dog
0:58
Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms
How To Successfully Sue Other Moms Who Steal Your Parenting Tricks
The Booker Monroe Story: The First African-American To Use A Whites-Only Glory Hole
1:49
Obama Replaces Costly High-Speed Rail Plan With High-Speed Bus Plan
3:07
Gunman Kills 15 Potential Swing Voters
America's Waitresses: Are They Hitting On You?
Scientists Find Skeleton Of Nature's First Sexual Predator
Joe Biden Introduces Trio Of Sexy Bodyguards
Google Shuts Down Gmail For Two Hours To Show Its Immense Power
In The Know: Are Tests Biased Against Students Who Don't Give A Shit?
Romney's Super Tuesday Polls Surge After He Begins Flaunting His Wealth
Republicans Stalling Obama's Agenda By Speaking, Moving In Slow Motion
1:40
GOP Supports Obama For 2012: 'We Need More Time To Completely Ruin His Life'
1:52
Obama Begs Voters Not To Make His Daughters Switch Schools
1:44
Report: Rising Number Of Weak, Emasculated Men Working As Stay-At-Home Dads
The Onion Review -- Week Of June 6, 2014
Volatile India-Pakistan Standoff In 11,680th Day
Petty, Shortsighted Americans Outraged At Legislature That Represents Them Perfectly
3:03
Obama Proposes $4 Trillion Piece Of Empty Rhetoric
3:26
Members Of Academy Can't Imagine What Would Happen If They Ever Selected Wrong Best Picture
GOP Introduces New "Mystery Candidate" With Paper Bag Over Head
Report Finds Troubling Rise In Teen Uranium Enrichment
3:44
How To Survive Being Shot Point Blank In The Chest - Dr. Good - Ep 7.
Are Politicians Failing Our Lobbyists?
Horrible Couple Really Wants Wedding To Reflect Their Personalities
2:22
Portrayal Of Obama As Snob Hailed As Step Forward For Blacks
4:52
Keep Your Heart Rate Up By Staring At A Bald Man Wearing Goggles - Dr. Good - Ep 11
Obama: Debt Ceiling Deal A Prime Example Of Democrats And Democrats Sacrificing For The Greater Good
Best of Onion Sports: OSN Tackles Underreported Sports
3:13
Missing Teen's Friends Go On TV To Plead For Her Release, Gossip About Ugly Classmates
