1:58
Michelle Obama Introduces Exercise Program To Combat Obesity In Professional Baseball Players
The Onion
0:54
Boston Mayor Throws Out First Punch At St. Patrick's Day Parade
1:25
Report: Leading Cause Of Death In U.S. Is God Needing Another Angel
1:31
Southwest Airlines Rolls Out New 'Loyalty Goes Both Ways' Campaign
1:26
New Marijuana Study Confirms Everyone Knows You're High And You Will Be Stoned Forever
0:39
Sochi's Euthanized Dogs To Be Returned To Streets After Olympics
1:20
Netflix Introduces New 'Browse Endlessly' Plan
2:48
Olympic Village Tour: See Where The Athletes Live, Train And Fuck Each Other
2:25
Nation's Parents Release Annual Ranking Of Top 50 'Perfectly Good' State Schools
3:13
Russia Applauds America's Efforts To Exclude Gay Athletes From Professional Sports
New Study Shows That Bones Are Incredibly Cool
1:01
BREAKING: Dogs Running
1:28
BREAKING: Hundreds Feared Dead In Coors Light Party Train Crash
2:11
Swift Boat Veterans For Truth Clear John Kerry After Exhaustive 9-Year Investigation
2:15
NFL Concludes Ex-Players Taking Their Own Lives Because 'They Miss Football So Much'
2:30
Bloomberg Defends NYPD's Controversial Stop And Kiss Program
LIVE
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2:36
Surgeon General: Smoking Fine As Long As You Only Do It When You Drink
4:17
Nation's Girlfriends Unveil New Economic Plan: 'Let's Move In Together'
2:23
Congressman's Son Won't Shut The Hell Up During Hearing
2:22
Trekkies Bash New Star Trek Film As 'Fun, Watchable'
2:27
More American Workers Outsourcing Own Jobs Overseas
2:16
Prison Economy Spirals As Price Of Pack Of Cigarettes Surpasses Two Hand Jobs
1:56
Video Game Consists Solely Of Shooting People In Face
2:07
DNA Evidence Frees Black Man Convicted Of Bear Attack
2:10
Hollow Point Bullets Recalled That Don't Explode In Targets
2:26
NCAA Expands March Madness To Include 4,096 Teams
2:06
Jennifer Love Hewitt Pays Magazine Millions To Run Baby Pics
3:48
Spam Crackdown Threatens Koy4Goff's Penis Enlarger Industry
2:19
First Female Dictator Hailed As Step Forward For Women
FDA Approves Depressant Drug For The Annoyingly Cheerful
2:31
Sony Releases Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn't Fucking Work
2:24
Coughlin Retires From Family To Spend More Time With Team
2:17
Kim Jong Il Announces Plan To Bring Moon To North Korea
2:34
Survivors Of Gas Station Explosion Mourn Tragic Loss Of Gas
2:46
Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard
3:32
NASA Simulator Preps Astronauts For Larry King Interview
1:43
Bush Pardons Scooter Libby In Giant Turkey Suit
3:45
Attractive Girls Union Refuses To Talk With Mike Greenman
2:59
First Openly Gay Racehorse To Compete Sunday
2:12
Meteorologists Predict Worst Autumn Ever
2:14
China Launches First Willing Manned Mission Into Space
2:28
The Onion: Yankees Building Vacation Stadium In The Hamptons
2:41
Disney Geneticists Debut New Child Stars
2:42
Economists Warn Anti-Bush Product Market Close To Collapse
Pre-Game Coin Toss Makes Jaguars Realize Randomness Of Life
1:45
Californians Celebrate Annual Wildfire Tradition
Poll Reveals 430 New Demographics That Will Decide Election
1:59
'Cosmopolitan' Completes Study On How To Please Your Man
1:49
Pentagon's Unmanned Spokesdrone Gives Press Conference
Study Finds Youths Don't Follow Office Politics
1:39
Domino's Tests Limits Of What Humans Will Eat
1:23
Newsroom : Tiny Dog Has Been Barking Nonstop For 6 Years
'No Values Voters' Search For Most Evil Candidate
2:51
Congress Struggles To Come Up With Cool Name For Drug Law
Volatile India-Pakistan Standoff In 11,680th Day
Sources Warn Miley Cyrus Will Be Depleted by 2013
3:02
Supreme Court: Death Penalty Is 'Totally Badass'
1:50
High School Tonys Honor Nation's Drama Club Nerds
Newsroom : Warcraft Sequel Lets You Play A Character Playing Warcraft
1:55
Newsroom : New Wearable Feedbags Let Americans Eat More, Move Less
3:08
Reporter In Helicopter Pretty Sure Landslide Down There
2:08
Blockbuster Offers Glimpse Of Movie Renting Past
1:40
McCain Declines Secret Service
1:12
A Friend's Cancer, Good For Your Health?
0:59
Jock Scientists Identify Gay Gene In Fellow Researcher Carl
1:42
George W. Bush Debuts New Paintings Of Dogs, Friends, Ghost Of Iraqi Child That Follows Him
NASA Discovers This Planet, Planet Earth, Just Might Be What It's Been Searching For All Along
1:05
Nation Successfully Completes Mother's Day By 9:18 A.M.
Ohio Replaces Lethal Injection With Humane New Head-Ripping-Off Machine
1:36
Comcast Executive's One-Man Show Now Mandatory Viewing For All Subscribers
1:34
Beard Husks On Sidewalk Indicate Start Of Hipster Molting Season
1:18
Meat Prices Skyrocket After Cow Smashing Machine Gets All Beefed Up
1:13
Deadly Super Rainbow Tears Through West Coast
Breaking: Tour De France On Hold As Cyclists Ride Over To Creek To Check Out Bugs
Super Hurricane Said to Be Even More Powerful Than Bogdan, World's Strongest Man
1:16
U.S. Forest Service Kills Off Smokey Bear To Get People Serious About Fire Safety
GOP Maintains Solid Hold On Youth That Already Look Like Old Men
1:29
Horrified Subway Execs Assumed People Were Buying Footlongs To Share With A Friend
CEO Says Office Shooting Could Not Have Come At A Worse Time For Company
Scientists Teach Father To Communicate Emotions Using Rudimentary Hand Gestures
Scientists Find Strong Link Between Male Virility, Wearing Mötley Crüe Denim Jacket
God's Penis Visible In Night Sky For First Time In Millennia | Onion News Network
JD Vance Under Fire For Resurfaced Remarks Criticizing Childless Children | Onion News Network
Voters Warned Ballots Flushed Down Toilet Will No Longer Be Counted | Onion News Network
3:09
Trump Vows To Outlaw Electricity To Secure Powerful Amish Vote | Onion News Network
2:43
U.S. Deploys Socially Awkward Men Along Border To Deter Migrants | Onion News Network
New Trump Ad Shows Montage Of People He’ll Kill If Elected | Onion News Network
3:11
Election Touchscreen Map Takes Deeper Look Inside Key Swing Voter | Onion News Network
1:02
ELECTION ALERT: Still Too Early To Know Which Minority To Scapegoat | Onion News Network
Neo-Nazi Pulls Off Surprise Victory In Long-Held KKK District | Onion News Network
1:21
Taylor Swift Arrested On Weapons Charges After Federal Agents Raid Tour Bus | Onion News Network
0:27
Biden, Trump Die 2 Minutes Apart Holding Hands | Onion News Network
Cash-Strapped Subway Threatens To Reveal Identities Of Customers Who Eat Subway If They Don’t Pay
1:10
Study: More Americans Buying Firearms To Defend Selves From Toddlers Who Found Their Guns
Wrongly Convicted Death Row Inmate Exonerated Mere Hours After Execution | Onion News Network
2:05
Biden In Critical Condition After Sticking Tongue In Marine One Chopper Blade | Onion News Network
Megachurch Conducts Successful Nuclear Missile Test | Onion News Network
GigSlave Goes Public With $84 Billion Valuation | Onion News Network
CIA Announces It Has Obtained The Briefcase | Onion News Network
1:38
Pope Francis Left In Hot Popemobile | Onion News Network
Local Teen Invents Masturbation | Onion News Network
Report: You Could Just Lose An Arm One Day
Death Of Chopped-Up Woman Ruled A Suicide
Climate Protestors Throw Paint On The Louvre’s 1988 Copy Of ‘Hustler’ Magazine
2:53
Trump Announces Seal Team 6 Killed U.S. Protester In Daring Overnight Raid
0:32
Dalai Lama Tapped As Interim Pope
Elon Musk Creates Federal Employee Revenge Porn Database
0:35
Signal For New Pope Delayed While Dead Raccoon Dislodged From Sistine Chapel Chimney
3:14
Mother Extremists Hijack Airwaves To Broadcast Photos Of Their Children | Onion News Network
U.S. Military Bans Men With Girl Names From Participating In Combat
213 Killed In How Do You Pronounce That?
2:39
JD Vance Rushed To Walter Reed After Inner Hillbilly Returns | Onion News Network
0:33
Tariff-Strained Apple Announces 7,083-Piece iPhone Kit
0:36
Trump Imposes 50% Tariff On Companies That Just Feel Chinese
FEMA Head Under Fire After Accidentally Playing Porn On Emergency Alert System
2:29
Satellite Images Reveal Drunk Father Stockpiling Fireworks | Onion News Network
0:42
Trump Orders His Face Added To The Pep Boys Logo
White House Evacuated After Trans Alarm Goes Off
U.N. Warns Iran Stockpiling Creatine To Develop Washboard Abs
Shocking Video Captures Calm Police Officers Handling Situation Nonviolently
1:06
Trump Administration Freezes Foreign Men
2:32
Black Homeowners Receive Higher Appraisal After Displaying Pictures Of Klan Members
2:00
Neighbors Always Knew Teen Gunman Was Evil And Did Nothing Because They Are Evil Too
0:28
China Agrees To Purchase 11 U.S. Soybeans
1:22
Study Finds Most Americans Can't Find Where They Are Being Deported On Map
1:46
Fraternity Under Investigation After Forcing Pledges To Volunteer At Soup Kitchen
0:22
Trump Appears To Doze During Stroke
Nicolás Maduro Charged With Felony Oil Possession
RFK Jr. Recommends Drinking Anything That Comes Out Of Cow
0:31
DHS Warns Any Action By Americans Will Be Treated As Domestic Terrorism
DHS Releases List Of Mothers Driving Cars
Hospital Accused Of Faking Cancer Wing For Attention
Elon Musk Files For Custody Of All U.S. Children
