Rodney Dangerfield

“I tell ya, I’m lucky I made it here tonight, ya know? I mean, this afternoon I got tied up. I got a checkup. I went to see our family doctor. Ooh, I got a tough family doctor. He’s tough, you know? He told me, if I keep smoking I’ll take 10 years off my life. If I keep drinking another 10 years off my life. And if I don’t pay him his bill, I’ll be dead by tomorrow.”

2 days ago | [YT] | 980

Rodney Dangerfield

“I’m in a good mood though, I tell ya that, a very good mood. I just finished my first book. Now I’m gonna read another one.”

3 days ago | [YT] | 2,811

Rodney Dangerfield

“I tell ya, with my wife, we fight over little things. Like sometimes I’m late. I ask her to press my pants. And I tell ya, the way she puts the creases in my pants, my legs should be walking in two different directions. And the way she does the ironing, forget about it. I mean, when you burn a shirt, who puts on butter?”

2 weeks ago | [YT] | 879

Rodney Dangerfield

“My agent made a deal with The Dean Martin Show for me to appear on twenty-eight shows. I signed on to do some short skits—just me and Dean—and I would write all the material.

Dean only came in once a week to tape his show—no rehearsal. (The set for our bits was always the same—me, Dean, a table, and two chairs.) For our first show together, it took Dean and me just three or four minutes to film our routine and we were done. ‘Okay, great, see ya next week, right?’ Wrong. That was the last time I saw Dean. For the next seven Sundays, I flew from New York to California, went into an empty studio, sat down at that table by myself, and did four skits while talking to an empty chair. Later, the crew filled in shots of the audience laughing, and they filled in Dean Martin, too.

After the taping, it was back to the airport and back to New York. Many times I thought, ‘Is this show business? Doing jokes to nobody, piped-in laughter, no audience?’”

2 weeks ago | [YT] | 1,955

Rodney Dangerfield

“It's the same old story. No respect, I mean it. My whole life I don't get no respect at all. I remember my childhood. The little boys and girls, when they played doctor, they made me an outpatient.”

2 weeks ago | [YT] | 963

Rodney Dangerfield

“My dentist too, another beauty. My dentist, he found a way to hide his bad breath. He holds up his arms.”

3 weeks ago | [YT] | 605

Rodney Dangerfield

“I remember the first time I had a date with my wife. She told me I wasn’t her type. I said to her, ‘What type do you like?’ She said, ‘Almost anything.’” (Artwork by Drew Friedman)

1 month ago | [YT] | 2,405

Rodney Dangerfield

“I tell ya, I meet the wrong people, that’s my trouble. Last week I met the Surgeon General. He offered me a cigarette.”

1 month ago | [YT] | 2,652

Rodney Dangerfield

“I mean it, no respect. This afternoon, my kid told me to go to my room.”

1 month ago | [YT] | 861

Rodney Dangerfield

Just browsing.

2 months ago | [YT] | 1,643