New Generation of Morons Head To Polls As Math and Reading Scores Plumb New Depths

Mountaineering Group Vows To Roll Corpses Off Everest

Alabama Girl Survives Shooting, Glad To Have It Behind Her

Hitler Had Rare Micropenis Disorder; Trump Connection Speculated

Trump Administration Tells Judge “Let Them Finish Starving”

Sick Russian Soldiers Deployed with Mr. Yuk Armbands To Dissuade Cannibals

Talent Scouts Scour Gaza For Next Supermodel

Putin Strategy Revealed: Pacification Then Paradise For Men

Russian Soldiers Turn To Cannibalism As Supply Lines Collapse

Gengineered Bacteria Escape Lab, Autism Pandemic Predicted

Water Buffalo Bags Real Estate Executive, Brags on Facebook

Supermodel Dies of Pleasure After Eating Full Meal at Les Halles

Putin Threatens Sale Of Gulag Sex Tape Unless U.S. Drops Support of Ukraine

Diddy Fans Self-Immolate in Acquittal Celebration

Chimpanzees Discover Pleasure of Putting Things In Ears and Butts

OpenAI Threatens Employees With Roko's Basilisk To Retain Talent

Russians Weep As Army Bombs Rabbit Hutches

Max Verstappen Completes Destruction of Red Bull Racing

Horner Sacked By Red Bull Racing Over Ukulele Scandal

Return to Office Mandates Mean Dirty *sses for Federal Workers

Tracy Morgan Vomits In Despair, Sickened By Knicks Championship Drought

Pagans Drool Over Coming Bloodbath

Axe-Wielding Sesquicentenarian Confronts Musk Over Missed SSI Payment

Demi Moore Got Naked, Again, For Nothing

Lance Stroll Vomits In Disgust After Pre-Season Testing

Morons Resume Dying of Measles

Citing Missed Recruitment Goals, NYPD Lowers Standards to Any Swinging Dick

Dentists Flock To Utah Anticipating Fluoridation Ban

Unprovoked Animal Attacks Down Worldwide, Humans No Longer Taste Good

Mount Baker Landslide Kills Thousands; Deceased Blues Singer Arrested

Seven-Year-Old Boy Slips The Surly Bonds of Earth in Hyperbaric Chamber Explosion, Vaping Suspected

Trump Honors Fallen Republican By Re-Renaming Alaska Mountain

Prince of Darkness Launches Initiative To Protect Christians

Newly Released JFK Documents Reveal Assassination Hoax

Ohio State Championship Celebrations Marred By Golf Cart Crash

Only Half of Humans Have An Inner Monologue, Zombies Walk Among Us

North Korean Soldiers Revel in Good Food, Liquor, Pornography

Pagan Teeth Gnash In Frustration and Hope At Trump's Re-Election

Helene Victims Forgotten as Celebrity Victims of Climate Change Emerge

Nature Has Last Laugh At White Flight As L.A. Neighborhoods Burn

Kristi Noem's Dog-Killing Prowess Propels Her To DHS Nomination

Giuliani Faces Contempt Charges, Begs to Keep Beanie Baby Collection

F*ckbois Bark Laughter At 4B Movement, Girls Just Want To Have Fun

New Trek Tell-All Explains Montalban's Greatness: He Wasn't Acting

Republicans Plan to Cut Social Security, Medicare, After Bid To Reduce Elderly Population Fails

Russia Abandons Ape Supersoldiers, Switches to North Koreans

Biden Pardons Son, Casts Off Outmoded Shackles of Propriety

America Chooses Chaos

Polarized Plugs Have Taken More Lives Than They Saved, Study Shows

Boeing CEO Flogged In Contentious Board Meeting As Machinist Strike Continues

US GP Promoters Receive Heavy Fine, Promise Radical Solution Next Year

Trump Further Humanizes Himself With Impromptu Dance Party

Tim Walz Blasts Innocent Birds to Woo Trump Voters

Biden Hurls Second Hurricane At Republicans, Democracy Is At Stake He Says

Herculaneum Papyri Scanned, Found To Be Ancient Tabloid Newspapers

Verstappen Bitter Over Second Stint Picking Up Autobahn Garbage

Netanyahu Threatens to Detonate American Phones If Israel Is Not Supported

Verstappen Sentenced To Community Service For Using F-Word

Cheneys and 100+ Republicans Endorse Kamala Harris, Hell Freezes Over

Harris Defeats Trump in Single Combat, Trump Cries Uncle, Wants No Rematch