Adam Lane Smith

Hey everyone,

I'll be going LIVE today at 11am US central time, about 3.5 hours from this posting. The topic will be "The Psychology of Cheating: Why It Happens and How to Stop". This is going to be useful information both for those who have cheated AND for those who've been cheated on. Let's sort out this messy issue and find the truth beneath.

I'd love to see you there and talk about attachment together! And to my Members, bring your best questions about cheating for the members-only Q&A at the end of the stream.

I'll see you in 3.5 hours!

-Adam

6 days ago | [YT] | 44

Adam Lane Smith

Hey guys,

A lot of you have (correctly) identified that entertainment media plays a huge role in relationship dysfunction. We’ve got a whole generation raised on the ideals of shows like “Sex in the City” to believe that lifestyle leads to true happiness. Meanwhile that show’s creator has come out in interviews discussing her immense regret and unhappiness.

Hollywood gave us the worst relationship blueprint ever — here’s a snapshot of what they got wrong.

From an attachment perspective, Hollywood taught us to chase dopamine instead of connection. The emotional rollercoaster of infatuation, lust, and drama gets portrayed as “true love.” But that’s not love — it’s a short-term high. Real love is built on emotional safety, trust, and shared purpose. Secure attachment creates long-lasting passion, but only when the nervous system feels safe enough to relax. Hollywood keeps us chasing butterflies while ignoring the foundation needed to build a stable bond.

Worse, they glorified chaos and dysfunction as romantic. The “bad boy” with commitment issues. The “fixer-upper” project boyfriend. The endless breakups and makeups. These patterns would be red flags in real life, but on screen, they’re sold as signs of deep passion. In truth, they reflect unresolved attachment trauma — especially disorganized and anxious styles. We now have entire generations who think conflict is chemistry and peace is boring.

Hollywood also destroyed the image of healthy masculinity. Men in films are either emotionally absent, clueless man-children, or hyper-aggressive control freaks. Rarely do we see calm, assertive, protective leaders — the kind of men women actually feel safe with. Women were then told to become “strong” by becoming more masculine, dominant, and controlling — not more self-assured, soft, and supported. The result? Nobody’s leading, everyone’s posturing, and connection breaks down.

This broken model is leaving women exhausted and men ashamed of their strength. Women are burning out from over-functioning in relationships. Men are hiding their confidence and conviction to avoid being “toxic.” Both sexes feel disconnected, lonely, and unloved — all while blaming themselves for not being “enough.” In reality, they’ve just been handed a terrible script.

The truth is: real love isn’t a feeling you fall into — it’s a commitment you grow into. It’s built when two people feel safe to be vulnerable, lead each other with purpose, and meet each other’s needs consistently. When we throw out the Hollywood script and learn secure attachment instead, we stop chasing highs and start building a life that actually feels good to live.

Next time you watch a film or show, ask yourself if the couple on screen is showing secure attachment or not. If not, spend some time dissecting what’s going wrong and what they should do instead. Turn these bad models into useful exercises for yourself. Then implement those changes you think of. Your future partner will thank you.

Leave a comment with your WORST example of Hollywood romance (tv, movies, or even the actors themselves) you can remember.

1 week ago | [YT] | 315

Adam Lane Smith

Hey guys,

A lot of you have asked how to DM me or how to get in touch fast. The best ways are either through my website or my Instagram DMs.

You can always send me a message right here in Instagram: www.instagram.com/attachmentadam

Or use the Contact page on my website here: adamlanesmith.com/contact

Either way, I'm here to help when you need it.

And while we're at it, most of you don't know I offer a free attachment newsletter packed with insights and tips to help you build great relationships. You can get it for free right here: adamlanesmith.com/newsletter-signup

If you're still not sure about your own attachment style, my free attachment assessment is also available on my website. Learn your style for free right here: adamlanesmith.com/attachment-assessment

Finally, enjoy my free attachment blog with educational articles on my website right here: adamlanesmith.com/blog

Happy Easter (tomorrow) to those of you who celebrate. And to all of you, may all your relationships be peaceful this weekend!

-Adam

1 week ago | [YT] | 34

Adam Lane Smith

Hey guys!

I wanted to say a huge thank you to all of you who attended my live masterclass about how to speak to an avoidant person about their avoidant tendencies without driving them away. Between the live viewing and the replays, about 10,000 of you have viewed that free masterclass, and I’m so grateful for your time and trust.

At the end of the stream I announced we would be picking winners who will receive signed copies of my marriage book. Those winners have now been picked, and we will be notifying you through Instagram direct messages. Keep an eye on your Instagram messages, you may be a winner!

I’ll be going live again today at 11 AM US central time which is about four hours from the time of this post. I’d love to see you there.

-Adam

1 week ago | [YT] | 94

Adam Lane Smith

Hey guys,

If you grew up with a single parent, constant fighting, emotional neglect, or general chaos in the home, you probably missed out on more than just a peaceful childhood. You likely missed out on the core emotional and relational skills that help people feel connected, safe, and fulfilled as adults.

This isn’t about blaming your parents. It’s about understanding what you didn’t get—so you can go out and learn it now. Because the truth is, if nobody taught you how to build healthy relationships, regulate your emotions, or feel safe being close to others, then of course those things feel hard.

There are six core skills that tend to be missing when someone grows up in that kind of environment. Let’s walk through each one, why it matters, and how to start developing it.

1. Identify and articulate your needs

If no one asked you what you needed—or worse, if you were punished for having needs—you probably learned to stay quiet. Maybe you became the easy kid who didn’t speak up. Or maybe you stopped expecting anyone to care.

Now, as an adult, you might find it hard to express your needs. You wait for people to notice. When they don’t, you feel ignored or unimportant. But the truth is, people can’t guess what you need. You have to name it. Learning how to clearly express what you need—whether it’s space, comfort, time, or support—is one of the first steps toward a more stable and satisfying life.

2. Clarify to prevent or fix misunderstandings

In a chaotic household, communication probably wasn’t clear. You may have learned to avoid asking questions, because questions led to conflict or confusion. You were trained to brace for impact, not work through a misunderstanding.

That pattern sticks. As an adult, you might overthink every little thing, assume the worst, or pull away when things feel unclear. But the skill you need here is simple: clarity. Ask questions. Repeat what you heard. Slow things down. Clarity builds peace of mind and prevents unnecessary conflict.

3. Resolve conflicts peacefully and completely

If conflict in your home meant yelling, silent treatment, punishment, or cold distance, then your nervous system learned one thing: conflict is dangerous. So now, you either avoid it altogether—or you react quickly and intensely.

Either way, it doesn’t get resolved. It just lingers.

Learning how to approach conflict with the goal of repair instead of reaction is life-changing. Conflict isn’t something to fear. It’s an opportunity to build deeper connection—if you know how to move through it calmly and respectfully.

4. Trust others through shared problem-solving

If you were left to handle things on your own growing up, it makes sense that you learned not to rely on anyone. You did what you had to do to survive.

But you’re not meant to go through life alone. And real trust isn’t built through big promises—it’s built through small moments of solving problems together.

Whether it’s making a decision as a team, asking for help, or offering support, every time you and another person get through something side-by-side, trust grows. That’s how loneliness starts to fade. That’s how partnership forms.

5. Bond with others in peace and connection

If the people you loved growing up were unpredictable, critical, or only loving when you were behaving a certain way, your body probably learned to associate love with tension.

Now, peaceful connection might feel boring. You may find yourself drawn to chaos because that’s what your body recognizes as love. But real bonding doesn’t have to come from high stress or emotional rollercoasters.

You can retrain your body to relax into connection. To enjoy calm conversations, easy evenings, and mutual comfort. Peace isn’t the absence of love. It’s the environment where love grows best.

6. Use your relationships to become your best self

When survival was the main focus growing up, you weren’t taught how to grow through relationships. You were trained to protect yourself, not to let others help you thrive.

But in healthy relationships, connection becomes a launchpad. The right bond helps you become stronger, more secure, more motivated. It challenges you to show up, to communicate better, to keep healing.

You don’t have to do it all alone. With the right people, connection becomes a source of energy—not something that drains you.


If you’re feeling lonely, burnt out, anxious, or discouraged in your relationships, this might be why. It’s not that you’re broken. You’re just undertrained. These six skills can be learned—and they can change everything.

You don’t have to keep surviving. You can learn to connect in ways that feel safe, exciting, and truly fulfilling. Start small. Start now. And keep practicing until it feels natural.

That’s how real love begins to grow.

If you'd like to learn these 6 skills with me live and in-person up in Vail, Colorado in 2 weeks, check out my Attachment Immersion Retreat. Tickets are nearly sold out so claim your spot today: adamlanesmith.com/retreat/

Leave a comment and let me know which of these 6 skills has been the most challenging for you. Let's chat.


-Adam

2 weeks ago | [YT] | 392

Adam Lane Smith

Hey guys,

Let's talk about avoidant women and anxious men.

A lot of people in the community have asked about this topic, and it comes up again and again in conversations. So this post is meant for all of you who have asked—to give clear answers and practical help for anyone struggling with this specific dynamic: when an avoidant woman is in a relationship with an anxious man.

It’s not talked about as often as the more typical pairing—anxious woman and avoidant man. And it shows up in different ways. On the outside, this pairing might look calm or even well-balanced. But underneath, both partners are often hurting.

This pattern is different from the avoidant man and anxious woman dynamic in some key ways. Anxious women often express their distress more openly, which tends to trigger withdrawal in avoidant men who feel pressured by those emotions. But with anxious men and avoidant women, the anxious partner often hides his needs to avoid conflict, which makes the disconnection harder to spot. Avoidant men often disconnect by shutting down or physically withdrawing, while avoidant women are more likely to stay present but emotionally closed off, keeping conversations and connection at a safe distance. Instead of explosive fights, this dynamic creates long stretches of emotional distance that feel more like quiet dissatisfaction. Both people are uncomfortable, but the tension stays below the surface, making it easier to ignore—and harder to fix without intentional effort.

Avoidant women usually prize independence. They’re used to handling life on their own, and they often feel overwhelmed by emotional closeness. They’re not trying to be cold or distant—it just feels safer to keep space. For them, emotional connection can start to feel like pressure or even a loss of control. So they back off.

Anxious men, meanwhile, tend to move the opposite direction. They try to close the gap. They give more, offer help, try to keep things smooth. They might hold back their own needs just to stay close. They’re usually trying to prove they’re worthy of love through actions. The idea that love could just be given, without earning it, often doesn’t feel real to them.

From the outside, this might look peaceful—no yelling, no dramatic fights. But on the inside, both people feel alone. He feels unappreciated, unsure, and often starved for affection. She feels crowded, misunderstood, and like being close means giving up her sense of freedom.

This pattern tends to form when both partners are reacting to fear, not each other. He’s afraid of being left behind. She’s afraid of being swallowed up. And because these fears go unspoken, the relationship starts to drift.

A lot of people stuck in this cycle don’t even realize what’s happening. They think the problem is a mismatch in personality, or they blame themselves for wanting too much or needing too little. But most of the time, it’s not about personality at all—it’s about unspoken attachment patterns running the show.

So how do you fix it?

Step one is naming it. Once you can say, "This isn’t about me being too needy or her being too distant—this is an avoidant/anxious attachment cycle," the whole story changes. It’s no longer about blame. It’s about skill.

Step two is asking better questions. Avoidant women usually feel more comfortable with structure and space. Anxious men usually need reassurance and clarity. So the key is to talk in practical, grounded ways.

Try questions like:
- What does connection look like to you this week?
- What helps you feel comfortable when we’re together?
- What are small ways we can care for each other today?

These kinds of questions lower pressure and give both people space to speak honestly without fear of conflict or overwhelm. They also shift the relationship from guessing to teamwork.

Another tool that helps is setting up consistent check-ins. These don’t have to be long or heavy. Just regular time where both people can talk without judgment. Even ten minutes once or twice a week can make a big difference.

For the anxious man, this kind of rhythm builds trust that love won’t disappear when he’s not chasing it. For the avoidant woman, it shows that closeness doesn’t have to mean losing herself or being emotionally flooded.

This pairing can absolutely work. But only if both people are willing to shift how they communicate, how they react to stress, and how they see each other. He needs to slow down the chase and start sharing his needs clearly. She needs to pause the escape response and show up with consistency, even if it's in small ways at first.

At the end of the day, this isn’t about fixing your partner. It’s about learning to relate in a way that feels safe for both people. Once you get that right, everything else starts to fall into place.

This dynamic isn’t broken—it’s just running on old programming. You can change that. And when you do, connection gets a whole lot easier.

Is this a pattern you've experienced? Let me know in a comment, I'd love to understand how many of you are dealing with this right now so I can help.

-Adam

2 weeks ago | [YT] | 173

Adam Lane Smith

Where do you typically enjoy watching my content? In the mornings? Commutting to and from work? Sitting on the couch after dinner?

Do you prefer to watch videos alone, or with another person?

Let me know. I am curious to hear from you!

2 weeks ago | [YT] | 56

Adam Lane Smith

Hey guys,

If you've been wanting to come to my livestream, friendly reminder that I'll be streaming today, about 4 hours from this post, at 11:00am US Central time. Join in and let's connect!

Warm regards,
Adam

2 weeks ago | [YT] | 65

Adam Lane Smith

You asked and I delivered. Watch here 👉 https://youtu.be/YDtV7WUrmf0

If you keep attracting men who leave you anxious, confused, and heartbroken… this might be the most important video you’ll watch this year.

Adam Lane Smith reveals the hidden reason why secure men are repelled by the very behaviors you think will make them stay—and how you can shift your approach to finally attract the safe, secure relationship you deserve.

2 weeks ago | [YT] | 64

Adam Lane Smith

Hey guys,

Just a friendly reminder that I will be live-streaming in about 3 hours from this post, at 11:00am US Central time. The topic is "How your partner's attachment style controls your mental health" and I know a lot of you are struggling with this challenge, so come join me and let's talk about taking better control of your mental health and improving your romantic relationship!

Warm regards,
Adam

2 weeks ago | [YT] | 40