If you grew up with a single parent, constant fighting, emotional neglect, or general chaos in the home, you probably missed out on more than just a peaceful childhood. You likely missed out on the core emotional and relational skills that help people feel connected, safe, and fulfilled as adults.
This isn’t about blaming your parents. It’s about understanding what you didn’t get—so you can go out and learn it now. Because the truth is, if nobody taught you how to build healthy relationships, regulate your emotions, or feel safe being close to others, then of course those things feel hard.
There are six core skills that tend to be missing when someone grows up in that kind of environment. Let’s walk through each one, why it matters, and how to start developing it.
1. Identify and articulate your needs
If no one asked you what you needed—or worse, if you were punished for having needs—you probably learned to stay quiet. Maybe you became the easy kid who didn’t speak up. Or maybe you stopped expecting anyone to care.
Now, as an adult, you might find it hard to express your needs. You wait for people to notice. When they don’t, you feel ignored or unimportant. But the truth is, people can’t guess what you need. You have to name it. Learning how to clearly express what you need—whether it’s space, comfort, time, or support—is one of the first steps toward a more stable and satisfying life.
2. Clarify to prevent or fix misunderstandings
In a chaotic household, communication probably wasn’t clear. You may have learned to avoid asking questions, because questions led to conflict or confusion. You were trained to brace for impact, not work through a misunderstanding.
That pattern sticks. As an adult, you might overthink every little thing, assume the worst, or pull away when things feel unclear. But the skill you need here is simple: clarity. Ask questions. Repeat what you heard. Slow things down. Clarity builds peace of mind and prevents unnecessary conflict.
3. Resolve conflicts peacefully and completely
If conflict in your home meant yelling, silent treatment, punishment, or cold distance, then your nervous system learned one thing: conflict is dangerous. So now, you either avoid it altogether—or you react quickly and intensely.
Either way, it doesn’t get resolved. It just lingers.
Learning how to approach conflict with the goal of repair instead of reaction is life-changing. Conflict isn’t something to fear. It’s an opportunity to build deeper connection—if you know how to move through it calmly and respectfully.
4. Trust others through shared problem-solving
If you were left to handle things on your own growing up, it makes sense that you learned not to rely on anyone. You did what you had to do to survive.
But you’re not meant to go through life alone. And real trust isn’t built through big promises—it’s built through small moments of solving problems together.
Whether it’s making a decision as a team, asking for help, or offering support, every time you and another person get through something side-by-side, trust grows. That’s how loneliness starts to fade. That’s how partnership forms.
5. Bond with others in peace and connection
If the people you loved growing up were unpredictable, critical, or only loving when you were behaving a certain way, your body probably learned to associate love with tension.
Now, peaceful connection might feel boring. You may find yourself drawn to chaos because that’s what your body recognizes as love. But real bonding doesn’t have to come from high stress or emotional rollercoasters.
You can retrain your body to relax into connection. To enjoy calm conversations, easy evenings, and mutual comfort. Peace isn’t the absence of love. It’s the environment where love grows best.
6. Use your relationships to become your best self
When survival was the main focus growing up, you weren’t taught how to grow through relationships. You were trained to protect yourself, not to let others help you thrive.
But in healthy relationships, connection becomes a launchpad. The right bond helps you become stronger, more secure, more motivated. It challenges you to show up, to communicate better, to keep healing.
You don’t have to do it all alone. With the right people, connection becomes a source of energy—not something that drains you.
If you’re feeling lonely, burnt out, anxious, or discouraged in your relationships, this might be why. It’s not that you’re broken. You’re just undertrained. These six skills can be learned—and they can change everything.
You don’t have to keep surviving. You can learn to connect in ways that feel safe, exciting, and truly fulfilling. Start small. Start now. And keep practicing until it feels natural.
That’s how real love begins to grow.
If you'd like to learn these 6 skills with me live and in-person up in Vail, Colorado in 2 weeks, check out my Attachment Immersion Retreat. Tickets are nearly sold out so claim your spot today: adamlanesmith.com/retreat/
Leave a comment and let me know which of these 6 skills has been the most challenging for you. Let's chat.
Adam Lane Smith
Hey guys,
If you grew up with a single parent, constant fighting, emotional neglect, or general chaos in the home, you probably missed out on more than just a peaceful childhood. You likely missed out on the core emotional and relational skills that help people feel connected, safe, and fulfilled as adults.
This isn’t about blaming your parents. It’s about understanding what you didn’t get—so you can go out and learn it now. Because the truth is, if nobody taught you how to build healthy relationships, regulate your emotions, or feel safe being close to others, then of course those things feel hard.
There are six core skills that tend to be missing when someone grows up in that kind of environment. Let’s walk through each one, why it matters, and how to start developing it.
1. Identify and articulate your needs
If no one asked you what you needed—or worse, if you were punished for having needs—you probably learned to stay quiet. Maybe you became the easy kid who didn’t speak up. Or maybe you stopped expecting anyone to care.
Now, as an adult, you might find it hard to express your needs. You wait for people to notice. When they don’t, you feel ignored or unimportant. But the truth is, people can’t guess what you need. You have to name it. Learning how to clearly express what you need—whether it’s space, comfort, time, or support—is one of the first steps toward a more stable and satisfying life.
2. Clarify to prevent or fix misunderstandings
In a chaotic household, communication probably wasn’t clear. You may have learned to avoid asking questions, because questions led to conflict or confusion. You were trained to brace for impact, not work through a misunderstanding.
That pattern sticks. As an adult, you might overthink every little thing, assume the worst, or pull away when things feel unclear. But the skill you need here is simple: clarity. Ask questions. Repeat what you heard. Slow things down. Clarity builds peace of mind and prevents unnecessary conflict.
3. Resolve conflicts peacefully and completely
If conflict in your home meant yelling, silent treatment, punishment, or cold distance, then your nervous system learned one thing: conflict is dangerous. So now, you either avoid it altogether—or you react quickly and intensely.
Either way, it doesn’t get resolved. It just lingers.
Learning how to approach conflict with the goal of repair instead of reaction is life-changing. Conflict isn’t something to fear. It’s an opportunity to build deeper connection—if you know how to move through it calmly and respectfully.
4. Trust others through shared problem-solving
If you were left to handle things on your own growing up, it makes sense that you learned not to rely on anyone. You did what you had to do to survive.
But you’re not meant to go through life alone. And real trust isn’t built through big promises—it’s built through small moments of solving problems together.
Whether it’s making a decision as a team, asking for help, or offering support, every time you and another person get through something side-by-side, trust grows. That’s how loneliness starts to fade. That’s how partnership forms.
5. Bond with others in peace and connection
If the people you loved growing up were unpredictable, critical, or only loving when you were behaving a certain way, your body probably learned to associate love with tension.
Now, peaceful connection might feel boring. You may find yourself drawn to chaos because that’s what your body recognizes as love. But real bonding doesn’t have to come from high stress or emotional rollercoasters.
You can retrain your body to relax into connection. To enjoy calm conversations, easy evenings, and mutual comfort. Peace isn’t the absence of love. It’s the environment where love grows best.
6. Use your relationships to become your best self
When survival was the main focus growing up, you weren’t taught how to grow through relationships. You were trained to protect yourself, not to let others help you thrive.
But in healthy relationships, connection becomes a launchpad. The right bond helps you become stronger, more secure, more motivated. It challenges you to show up, to communicate better, to keep healing.
You don’t have to do it all alone. With the right people, connection becomes a source of energy—not something that drains you.
If you’re feeling lonely, burnt out, anxious, or discouraged in your relationships, this might be why. It’s not that you’re broken. You’re just undertrained. These six skills can be learned—and they can change everything.
You don’t have to keep surviving. You can learn to connect in ways that feel safe, exciting, and truly fulfilling. Start small. Start now. And keep practicing until it feels natural.
That’s how real love begins to grow.
If you'd like to learn these 6 skills with me live and in-person up in Vail, Colorado in 2 weeks, check out my Attachment Immersion Retreat. Tickets are nearly sold out so claim your spot today: adamlanesmith.com/retreat/
Leave a comment and let me know which of these 6 skills has been the most challenging for you. Let's chat.
-Adam
2 weeks ago | [YT] | 392