The growth has been absolutely amazing to watch. It has been earned and is well-deserved. It was your honesty about your struggles that made me click the subscribe button. In addition to that your content is absolutely off the hook. (My son cringes to hear me say this) I wish you well my friend.
4 years ago
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One more thing, remember this is your channel. You do not need our approval our input or our critique. This is an outlet for you to be you. It is our responsibility to accept you for who you are. Don't change to chase trends or increase numbers. My unsolicited $0.02 and it's worth even less than that.
4 years ago
| 2
I am speechless. I truly don't even know what to say. I have been meandering around for almost a year now, having escaped from a cultish environment, meanwhile I have severe health issues. My nightmares and fears plague me, but there is something in this that feels like it almost...made me feel alive again. I don't know how to explain it. I desire to do something very similar, however my medical bills are staggering, and the insurance that covers it is based on low income. To earn money would be to lose insurance and therefore be bankrupt (I have some very strong words for the American health system) but this has made me hopeful again. Thank you, truly, from the bottom of my heart
4 years ago | 0
Thank you for your candid reflections on a blossoming artistic outlet, and thank you for speaking up about your personal struggles. We are all so happy to be here cheering you on, and can't wait to see what you come out with next! ❤️
4 years ago
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Ad Noctem Media
Woke up to 10,000 subscribers today which is absolutely insane and surreal. I wanted to take a minute and talk about exactly what that means to me. If you're here for updates about another video - one will be ready very soon, hopefully this weekend (but no promises). As for the rest of this, it's long. I don't know if I'm writing it for myself or for the viewers or both, but when I don't know what to say I tend to just tell it how it is - so that's what I'll do. A lot of this was going to be a video but I found myself re-working a lot of it in uncomfortable ways to suit that format, so I decided to put it up here as a post instead.
I started this YouTube channel during one of the hardest periods of my life. I'd just been diagnosed with narcolepsy and due to some really stressful events, it was flaring worse than I've ever experienced. I was sleeping 14 hours a day and when I was awake I was spending it in an exhausted stupor with my body still screaming for more. I'd lost my job due to it. I wasn't allowed to drive because I was unmedicated. I lived alone in a rural area and couldn't do even the basics for myself without family taking trips to take me places. Because the days were short at the time and my narcolepsy also presented with a circadian rhythm disorder, I would go for days at a time without seeing sunlight because I would sleep through the entire day.
I started the channel because it felt like I had lost every bit of identity, confidence, and purpose for myself. I decided, if I couldn't control the things I had lost, I could at least use that time to do the fun stuff that I couldn't because of other responsibilities. I named it Ad Noctem (Into Night) because I quite literally was living a life of seclusion in the night. I don't want to romanticize it because it wasn't healthy physically or psychologically, in fact combined with seasonal affective disorder it really took a toll on my mental health. But I wanted to name the thing and confront it, not hide from it.
I began uploading literally whatever I felt like - gaming, SCP reading, and talking about my health condition and treatments surrounding it. A lot of those videos are private now because they're terrible and because the outcome didn't matter, it was about the doing of something. For over a year, I would occasionally upload whenever I felt like it but didn't take it very seriously.
Eventually I had to take advantage of something that a lot of people with chronic health issues don't have - family that was willing to help them. I gave up the house I was renting, because there was no way I could get back to work, and moved in with family. I was safe, but it didn't feel right. I felt like a detriment, a drain, a burden. I felt guilty and useless, shameful and disappointed in myself. I wanted to find a way not only to contribute to my household again, but a future in which I had hope of providing for myself and making a life.
One day I was watching another video creator - something I did a lot of - who mentioned they had a disability which prevented them from working, but that being on YouTube and Twitch had provided them the opportunity to provide for themselves and put their family in a better position.
I'd tried other things online to make money, but they never amounted to more than pocket change. But for some reason this clicked for me. If somebody else could do it, why couldn't it be a possibility for me? That would be exactly the kind of thing where I could work when I felt able and take advantage of my bits and pieces of good time whenever possible. So I decided to revive the channel. I brought in friends and contractors to help with art and video production. And I started making videos.
That was roughly December of last year, and I started with 30 subscribers. The growth since then has felt so surreal and unexplainable that I'm still half-convinced it's a mistake on YouTube's part. Around March I hit 100 subscribers. Then in April I passed 1,000. Now here I am in August and crossing 10,000. I'm in my 4th month of the YouTube Partnership Program, meaning I'm making money for my efforts now. Not a crazy amount, in fact it's mostly just going into a big fund so further investments aren't actively coming of pocket any more. But it's been lifechanging in ways that are difficult to explain. It's not only money coming in. It's hope again for a future where I can feel productive and self-sustaining despite the issues I struggle with daily. It's feeling like I'm investing my time in something that's going somewhere instead of watching days wash away from me in a haze. It's these little validating things that even as recently as last year, I was not convinced I would ever feel again.
You may hear me bring up my condition (technically multiple, although narcolepsy is the big one) a lot. I apologize if it seems repetitive or like I'm using it for clout or pity. The reality is that hearing somebody else say that they struggled with chronic health issues and found a path to success is something that might have quite literally changed my life, because it gave me reason to commit to trying for myself. So I decided from that point on, I wouldn't hide it. I told myself if I had any modicum of success, I'd be transparent about the ups and downs and challenges I had. I felt like anybody listening who might be dealing with something similar deserved to hear, like I did, that there are options for you. And without the sugar coating and presenting myself only through the lens of my good days. When you don't have many good days, and you look around and all you see from successful people are the good ones, you start to feel like success isn't for people like you. I want people to know I struggle, and things take me longer than other people, and I'm sometimes late on creating or releasing things for no reason other than I'm exhausted physically and mentally. If anybody ever has reason to look at me and decide I'm successful, I want it to be with obstacles and all, so that other people struggling might see it and know that achieving what they consider success is for them too - even if it requires different things.
I'm absolutely grateful for the opportunity and still in disbelief. I know there are issues with my videos sometimes, and even the identity of the channel as I've bounced around from different topics to try to settle on a tonal center and a theme. All I can say is it's only been 9 months since I really started doing this thing for real, and I never expected to make it this far this fast. If things seem a little unusual, or unprofessional or inconsistent right now, it's because I'm learning with every thing I produce. 99% of my views came from two videos that were relatively early experiments, and I know they're full of things that could have been done better, and that's excruciating to me because I'm a harsh self critic. But at the end of the day, I'm proud that I decided to do and learn and put forth something that was imperfect. The pressure has taken me to a level much higher than when I started in a short time.
For everybody that's watched, commented, left likes or dislikes, shared with friends, or interacted with the videos in any way I can't thank you enough. Nothing that I've done would have brought me anywhere if not for these things. Many of you are very new to the channel, and may only have seen one or two of my older videos. This is a challenge because I don't have a feel for the subscribers or what they want or expect. But it's one that I'm immensely grateful for.
So, welcome to the channel for all the new subscribers. I'm very glad you're here. Please, feel free to use this space to let me know what brought you here, why you subscribed, and what you're hoping to see more of. As a general rule I don't make promises on content - I've learned that that's a recipe for disappointing people, and I need the flexibility to work on what comes to me the easiest at the times when I am capable - but I am always reading and considering the input I get.
Thank you all
4 years ago | [YT] | 31