Dawn. Rose-blushed bluing skies. A good morning fire in the stove. A hot cup of coffee. Sparky out foraging off the front porch.
I am so happy here. Life has taken on a smooth, calm rhythm. It's splash face/brush teeth (water), build a fire, start coffee, go out on the front porch with Sparky, music & first sip of hot, fresh coffee, later eggs and toast, walk Sparky to the Israel River...bath, and chores and writing and reading.
I look forward to winter. A bon iver hopefully. The mountains are snowcapped times a week so within another two weeks the snow will have spread and taken hold in this valley.
"An easy swing had its time shouldered
Slow bending axe
Now it's a photo framed
The swing hasn't had it." (Bon Iver)
I look forward to a long, cold, silent winter. I miss the snow. I miss the aloneness. Winter brings everything into sharp focus. Winter turns out the unnecessary in my mind.
Tanya's son, Joshua, is doing alright. We are in the Aftermath. I am too overly protective. He is 19. By law and worldly wares, he is considered an adult. That scares me so. The world says he is responsible for his actions and responsible for handling his business. I am trying to get him on a solid, adult-world foundation.
Because I know how this goes. The Aftermath. When time has gone by and all the money and material things have been absconded, divided up, and/or released then people will go back to their lives. I want to make sure that Joshua at the least acquires a solid foundation under him. An independent of others and solid foundation to start.
Aftermath. His Mom is gone. His Dad will eventually leave again,( this is his fourth death of a lover/wife), he will receive Tanya's Social Security in the form of Survivor Benefits for life now and his Grandma will be who she has always been in the past....in over her head in debt constantly working on her house, living a lifestyle she cannot afford and she will soon be demanding that Joshua pay house bills...just like she did Tanya and kept Tanya under constant financial stress. Right now they are all saying Joshua is not adult enough to handle the monies his Mom worked every day to leave for him. But soon, that will change completely, when they have run through the money then he will be adult enough to work and pay others bills.
I know that all may sound dark and affronting perhaps if you are young and haven't been through a bunch of funerals. But this is what usually happens. Rose-colored glasses off. We are into the AfterMath.
And so, I fight for Joshua. Because his Mom is gone.
November 11, 2025 Veteran's Day
The snow has claimed the valleys here. Seeped down from the mountains and spread like white icing....with the same effect..for me...tastes of visual calm and peace.
It's just us locals now. The 'summer' places all closed up now. It's just us.
I have been ill since returning from Florida. I think sitting and driving 14 hours a day for two days was big no no. It's my digestive system that is all messed up. I am doing peppermint oil, probiotics, Fage yogurt and ginger and garlic. Finally went to Dartmouth...scans and nothing life threatening. So uncomfortable. So, yesterday, I tried to just 'act as if' I am physically fine.....I hiked, I went to Lowes, I fed the outside wildlife, ---- this morning I woke up to these weird upper body pains...it's fine, I am going to 'act as if' and haul a good amount of wood in.
I just have a really hard time with this whole aging thing. I turn 60 in February. Shocking!! I still expect my body to just do whatever I want it to do. I mean it always has in the past just done whatever I asked of it.
I am hedging around a thing that came to me. It read, "The young years of the twenties through the forties are the Gaining Years, the aging years of fifty and onward, are the Losing Years." I think perhaps -- but I am skittering around this -- it may be a truth. Diseases or genetic weaknesses, lying in quiet, undetected dormancy through the Gaining Years, rise up and present themselves in sharp focus during the Losing Years. I do not yet know how to deal with loss. But loss I am dealing with right now....I am thinking I could learn a format in this present loss that I can use in future losses that I know are coming. But I don't know.....I don't know....I just...don't know. I feel my whole decade of 50 was a coasting time. I so enjoyed that time. A decade of resting/wallowing in the life I had created for myself in the Gaining Years. Now, approaching 60, I feel perhaps it will be Losing Years now. Learning to navigate loss. My brother...and another lifelong friend...they are gonna go....I don't know..if I can map how I get through this loss of Tanya and follow that through future losses.
Ok. Hot coffee. Time to go haul wood and feed the lil birdees. Get around and see if these weird pains in my upper body work themselves out to clear.
I just want to go back to being in the clear. I just want to be in the clear again.
May I ask, after suffering a loss of a loved one, does life go back to the clear I knew before the loss?
Or will the f'ing, stupid saying: "A new normal." be the way of it?
Will this emotional cloudy unstablized clutter fuck remain?
LadyLore&Sparky
THE VLOG:
November 5, 2025
Dawn. Rose-blushed bluing skies. A good morning fire in the stove. A hot cup of coffee. Sparky out foraging off the front porch.
I am so happy here. Life has taken on a smooth, calm rhythm. It's splash face/brush teeth (water), build a fire, start coffee, go out on the front porch with Sparky, music & first sip of hot, fresh coffee, later eggs and toast, walk Sparky to the Israel River...bath, and chores and writing and reading.
I look forward to winter. A bon iver hopefully. The mountains are snowcapped times a week so within another two weeks the snow will have spread and taken hold in this valley.
"An easy swing had its time shouldered
Slow bending axe
Now it's a photo framed
The swing hasn't had it." (Bon Iver)
I look forward to a long, cold, silent winter. I miss the snow. I miss the aloneness. Winter brings everything into sharp focus. Winter turns out the unnecessary in my mind.
Tanya's son, Joshua, is doing alright. We are in the Aftermath. I am too overly protective. He is 19. By law and worldly wares, he is considered an adult. That scares me so. The world says he is responsible for his actions and responsible for handling his business. I am trying to get him on a solid, adult-world foundation.
Because I know how this goes. The Aftermath. When time has gone by and all the money and material things have been absconded, divided up, and/or released then people will go back to their lives. I want to make sure that Joshua at the least acquires a solid foundation under him. An independent of others and solid foundation to start.
Aftermath. His Mom is gone. His Dad will eventually leave again,( this is his fourth death of a lover/wife), he will receive Tanya's Social Security in the form of Survivor Benefits for life now and his Grandma will be who she has always been in the past....in over her head in debt constantly working on her house, living a lifestyle she cannot afford and she will soon be demanding that Joshua pay house bills...just like she did Tanya and kept Tanya under constant financial stress. Right now they are all saying Joshua is not adult enough to handle the monies his Mom worked every day to leave for him. But soon, that will change completely, when they have run through the money then he will be adult enough to work and pay others bills.
I know that all may sound dark and affronting perhaps if you are young and haven't been through a bunch of funerals. But this is what usually happens. Rose-colored glasses off. We are into the AfterMath.
And so, I fight for Joshua. Because his Mom is gone.
November 11, 2025 Veteran's Day
The snow has claimed the valleys here. Seeped down from the mountains and spread like white icing....with the same effect..for me...tastes of visual calm and peace.
It's just us locals now. The 'summer' places all closed up now. It's just us.
I have been ill since returning from Florida. I think sitting and driving 14 hours a day for two days was big no no. It's my digestive system that is all messed up. I am doing peppermint oil, probiotics, Fage yogurt and ginger and garlic. Finally went to Dartmouth...scans and nothing life threatening. So uncomfortable. So, yesterday, I tried to just 'act as if' I am physically fine.....I hiked, I went to Lowes, I fed the outside wildlife, ---- this morning I woke up to these weird upper body pains...it's fine, I am going to 'act as if' and haul a good amount of wood in.
I just have a really hard time with this whole aging thing. I turn 60 in February. Shocking!! I still expect my body to just do whatever I want it to do. I mean it always has in the past just done whatever I asked of it.
I am hedging around a thing that came to me. It read, "The young years of the twenties through the forties are the Gaining Years, the aging years of fifty and onward, are the Losing Years." I think perhaps -- but I am skittering around this -- it may be a truth. Diseases or genetic weaknesses, lying in quiet, undetected dormancy through the Gaining Years, rise up and present themselves in sharp focus during the Losing Years. I do not yet know how to deal with loss. But loss I am dealing with right now....I am thinking I could learn a format in this present loss that I can use in future losses that I know are coming. But I don't know.....I don't know....I just...don't know. I feel my whole decade of 50 was a coasting time. I so enjoyed that time. A decade of resting/wallowing in the life I had created for myself in the Gaining Years. Now, approaching 60, I feel perhaps it will be Losing Years now. Learning to navigate loss. My brother...and another lifelong friend...they are gonna go....I don't know..if I can map how I get through this loss of Tanya and follow that through future losses.
Ok. Hot coffee. Time to go haul wood and feed the lil birdees. Get around and see if these weird pains in my upper body work themselves out to clear.
I just want to go back to being in the clear. I just want to be in the clear again.
May I ask, after suffering a loss of a loved one, does life go back to the clear I knew before the loss?
Or will the f'ing, stupid saying: "A new normal." be the way of it?
Will this emotional cloudy unstablized clutter fuck remain?
The empty space .... what about that?
Ok. Haul wood now.....just go do....
1 week ago (edited) | [YT] | 0