One of the Most Confusing Things About a Narcissist Is How Selectively They Control Their Behaviour One of the most confusing things about a narcissist is that they can control their behaviour — they just choose not to unless it benefits them. Victims are often left wondering why the narcissist can be charming, calm, polite, and measured around outsiders, yet cruel, explosive, or indifferent behind closed doors. The answer is simple: their behaviour is strategic, not accidental. A narcissist doesn’t lack control. They lack accountability. They can regulate their tone when speaking to someone they want to impress. They can hold back their rage when there’s something to gain. They can act kind, attentive, and reasonable when they know others are watching. But when the cameras are off and there’s nothing in it for them, the mask slips. This selective self-control is what makes the abuse so confusing. If their behaviour were truly uncontrollable, it would be consistent. Instead, it’s targeted — reserved for the person they feel safest exploiting. Understanding this is powerful. It shows that their cruelty isn’t your fault and wasn’t triggered by your behaviour. It was a choice. And if someone can choose when to be respectful, they could choose to be respectful all the time — they just don’t see you as someone they need to respect.
For more information about understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse, click the links below.
Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Guided Journal for Recovery and Empowerment: Reclaim Your Identity, Build Self-Esteem, and Embrace a Brighter Future
Understanding Narcissism, by Elizabeth Shaw.
One of the Most Confusing Things About a Narcissist Is How Selectively They Control Their Behaviour
One of the most confusing things about a narcissist is that they can control their behaviour — they just choose not to unless it benefits them. Victims are often left wondering why the narcissist can be charming, calm, polite, and measured around outsiders, yet cruel, explosive, or indifferent behind closed doors. The answer is simple: their behaviour is strategic, not accidental.
A narcissist doesn’t lack control. They lack accountability.
They can regulate their tone when speaking to someone they want to impress. They can hold back their rage when there’s something to gain. They can act kind, attentive, and reasonable when they know others are watching. But when the cameras are off and there’s nothing in it for them, the mask slips.
This selective self-control is what makes the abuse so confusing. If their behaviour were truly uncontrollable, it would be consistent. Instead, it’s targeted — reserved for the person they feel safest exploiting.
Understanding this is powerful. It shows that their cruelty isn’t your fault and wasn’t triggered by your behaviour. It was a choice. And if someone can choose when to be respectful, they could choose to be respectful all the time — they just don’t see you as someone they need to respect.
For more information about understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse, click the links below.
overcoming-narcissist-abuse.teachable.com/p/break-…
Check these out!
Behind The Mask: The Rise Of The Narcissist
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15 Rules To Deal With Narcissistic People.: How To Stay Sane And Break The Chain.
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A Narcissists Handbook: The ultimate guide to understanding and overcoming narcissistic and emotional abuse.
www.amazon.com/dp/B0C87NNBNP?ref_=cm_sw_r_mwn_dp_V…
Boundaries with Narcissists: Safeguarding Emotional, Psychological, and Physical Independence.
www.amazon.com/dp/B0CQ583RL8
Healing from Narcissistic Abuse: A Guided Journal for Recovery and Empowerment: Reclaim Your Identity, Build Self-Esteem, and Embrace a Brighter Future
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(Sponsored.). betterhelp.com/elizabethshaw
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Why Narcissists Treat Strangers Better Than You | The Truth Behind the Mask
https://youtu.be/veM7ZpIZAPU
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Recognising the mask is the first step toward breaking free from the manipulation behind it.
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