Hey, so glad you’re tackling this! I grew up as a curvier girl, which turned into an “overweight” woman as I moved through college. It was a huge source of shame for me. In my early twenties I committed to the gym and eating differently for the first time and dropped a decent amount of weight. Enough weight that I wouldn’t stand out for being chubby, but would still be considered curvy. During Covid lockdown it was like a switch flipped in me as I spiraled down fitness lane. I did 1-2 fitness videos a day, in addition to running 5-10k a day. I severely cut down on carbs and protein - mostly consuming veggies and fruit. I was the thinnest I’ve ever been, looking like a “clean” eating yogi. I felt terrible. I developed anxiety around food, to the point where I sobbed on a street corner one day, shaking with hunger but not allowing myself to enjoy a taco with my boyfriend. This continued for about 18 months, I so badly wanted to stop but I felt like I finally looked like everyone else and I was desperate not to lose that. I would say discovering leftism saved me. I began to identify the white nationalist ideology within online yoga communities for what it is. And I accepted that my self hatred helped no one except the people I paid to make me look skinny. Anyways, hope this helps. Excited to see your video!
1 month ago | 29
I was in recovery from ED for around 7 years when I got super into rock climbing. I saw others in my community progressing faster than me, some even criticizing my progress (usually men, I am a woman). This also coincided with a (now ex) boyfriend at the time declining letting me go backpacking with him because i “hike too slow”. I became hyper focused on cross training, which led me to hyper scrutinize my body and lack of visible changes. I became more restrictive with my diet and was on a downward path with my recovery. What actually saved me was Covid and not being able to go to the gym for months. I had to accept the resulting weight gain. I realized I was mentally happier and liked the way I looked. I only rock climb occasionally now and steer clear of people who criticize my abilities (unfortunately super common from rock climbing bros).
1 month ago | 8
I developed orthorexia about six months into the pandemic. My gym was my bedroom and our basement stairs. That healthy lifestyle was how I was coping with the stress of isolation. I dropped 100+ pounds in roughly a year and a half. When I hit my goal number, I felt nothing. I rejected all food that hit these arbitrary 'not healthy enough' checkboxes. It wasn't until I realized I didn't have the energy to walk a block with my mom to a cafe that I knew I had a problem. I've had three and a half years of therapy and it was only recently I was able to shed the toxic shame that had built up over the course of my life. Shame, as an emotion, is supposed to help steer our behavior toward fitting in with whatever group we'd like to be part of. But when the shame is such that we feel there is something inherently wrong and unlovable about us, it's not helpful. Being able to feel like I like myself after decades of self-loathing has been nothing short of joyous. I wish I could go back to my younger self, give her a hug, and tell her that eventually she'll learn she doesn't need to fit an ideal to be happy. It takes a lot of emotional work to get there, but it's worth it.
1 month ago | 5
My mother was a health food tyrant growing up. In a way it normalized healthy eating but she was so rigid I only got to eat “junk food” at holidays. And I’d BINGE. And feel so guilty afterwards. When I was super into fitness, and the gym was my second home, I lived on canned protein shakes, which are full of sugar. I did become a size 6, which I couldn’t even enjoy because I hadn’t been to therapy to unpack low self esteem. Plus so many creepy older men were preying on me then that I now associate being skinny with being preyed on. I’ve had to reevaluate my whole approach to food. I quit the gym because I got sick of creepy men but I do have two wonderful belly dance classes I go to. I also have a TRX knockoff setup at home. I’ve been able to garden the last several years and that’s helped me find joy in food. I also get gifted wild game sometimes. Since I’m Native American I’m also reclaiming ancestral foods. And I’m trying to approach fitness, and nutrition, as a way to stay strong and capable for the rest of my life instead of having to look a certain way.
1 month ago | 4
Ironically, I had the opposite happen to me; I started doing crossfit at 13 (my parents both did it before me) at a small local gym where everyone knew each other. It was a really solid community built on getting stronger and faster instead of aesthetics, which I really loved. However, over COVID, i was removed from that space and started working out at home using tiktok and youtube tutorials. I started consuming more, and more fitness content, which led to dieting content, which eventually led me to ED content that encouraged me to start taking up disordered eating habits. Eventually, I ended up developing bulimia, which led to me damaging my body horribly. I've been slowly on the road to recovery for the past year, but i'm still suffering from the damage done to my digestion system. I was already a pretty quiet and anti-social person, so it didn't really impact my social life in any significant way, but I was mean while i was stuck in my disordered habits. I'm thankful for my friends who stuck by me while I was stuck in that mindset. Spending all that time hating your body will almost always turn you into a cruel person, even if you're not vocalizing those thoughts.
1 month ago | 14
Gym goer here who started as a way of changing my body but in a more “healthy” way- never counting anything and just lifting and leaving. it started out innocent and then I got extremely sick with covid/ mono unintentionally lost weight and then something in my brain was unlocked that I could also lose weight quickly by the combo of over exercising and under-fueling. It’s been a few years since then, I’ve lost my period tried, to get it back on several occasions and still am fighting the fight to full recovery. When you get down to certain level of leanness it mentally alters your brain. it’s impacted me in so many ways both on my own and in my relationships. Now I have a coach etc but it’s been hard with all the online skinny tok of it all. Can’t wait to see your vid!
1 month ago | 0
My relationship with food didn’t change too much. I actually found it to be mostly positive as I realised I wanted more energy and felt more fulfilled after eating “cleaner” food. If I did eat excessive amounts of junk food, I would feel less energetic and thus performance worse in my resistance training. I think that the hinderance on my performance actually helped me realise how much I prefer eating mostly clean food whilst enjoying the occasional sweet or greasy dish. I know it’s slightly unrelated to what you’re asking but I thought it would still be worth mentioning how it affected my body image. I started to feel like I was looked lumpy and less athletic the more I trained, even though looking back at pictures I was in much better shape than I have been at other points. I’m hesitant to call of body dysmorphia but it felt like what I was seeing in the mirror at the time I was in my body was different/worse than what I actually looked like. I took a year break and now I’m back at it without these issues. As a cis male, I’ve never been overly concerned about my body and the way it looks. I focused more on how I felt (athletic or not). It was weird to go through that phase but it’s in the past now :)
1 month ago | 15
Im a lucky one who stumbled upon feminism and body positivity movements online as a late teen so when i later started going to the gym it helped a lot not to develop any self punishing or obsessive behaviours connected to it. Before that there was a couple of times when i was on the brink of ed and a had a rather poor relationship with food and my body in general. I do feel like this experience made it harder for me to connect with other people at the gym though: most of them around me love to starve themselves and judge others.:(
1 month ago (edited) | 22
it's not binge eating disorder okay it's called dirty bulking
1 month ago | 176
Casual gym goer here. Since the "macros" in your diet are important to gym-related goals (gaining muscle, losing weight), I definitely noticed myself looking at food as more of a commodity of sorts. For example, my opinion of eggs went from "something that tastes good that I usually eat with breakfast because it goes well with toast, breakfast meats and coffee/tea" to "I can't really eat this anymore because it has too much cholesterol and will push me over my Daily Recommended total Cholesterol intake." Now, when I think of eggs, the first thing that comes to mind is the cholesterol levels in one egg. Complete mindset change. An egg is no longer just an egg, but a commodity for my Daily Macro Intake. A good commodity keeps me below 100%, a bad one takes me over 100%. This is bad because the science of cholesterol "build up" in your body isn't linear. If you go over 100% cholesterol on Saturday because you had eggs for brunch, it doesn't mean your body absorbed too much cholesterol and you're now unhealthy for the day. It depends on your genetics, metabolism, and many other individual variables. But most people don't know this. They just look at the Daily Recommended Value and assume that below = good and above = bad.
1 month ago | 78
Yes yes yes me! I was obsessed with hitting numbers and achieving certain goals in the gym so I downloaded MyFitnessPal and obsessively tracked my food/calorie intake for a few years. I dropped weight so drastically it was disturbing for some people in my life and I took that as a sign that I was doing a good job :( I had a hard time keeping up this new terrible life, however. I thought about food and my hunger constantly and I never liked what I saw when I looked in the mirror even though I was supposedly meeting my goals. I remember at one point thinking that I had a food addiction and I even told people that I did and that was why I had to stay on my workout/diet plan to keep myself under control. But there would be nights where I would eat a normal dinner and still feel like I was starving (because I literally was) and the starvation feeling made me feel all this shame for wanting more food. So I would cry a lot about it, totally confused about what my problem was. As I matured into my late 20s I knew I had to change some things so I worked on my obsessions in the therapy room. And I read Susan Bordo’s Unbearable Weight along with some more feminist literature that helped me realize I was keeping myself in an impossible trap for irrational reasons. I stopped the extreme workouts and I gained lots of weight and I definitely had to endure a lot of scrutiny for the way my body was changing drastically once again. But I felt more at home in my body and my mind was more settled than it had been. I was able to focus on living a balanced life. So now, about 10 years later, I know myself really well and I do not stress too much or overthink my food and fitness choices. I listen to my body and my doctor and kind of just say fuck the rest. It’s been a long road to get here but I’m here! 💗
1 month ago | 3
This happened to me! I started going to the gym and “eating healthy” for the first time when I was a senior in high school. After a few months a developed an ED which I struggled with for a decade. I think I’ve identified the negative switch which happened in my mind which was that decisions about food and exercise need to come from my brain and not my body. I felt that my body could not be trusted and needed to be controlled. A large part of healing from my ED has come from giving decision making power for eating and movement back my body. I recommend “intuitive eating” and “trauma informed yoga” (both can be found on YT) for anyone who wants to start repairing this mind-body relationship. For some historical context, alienation from the body was a tactic used by the mercantile class in the transition to capitalism to extract as much labor as possible from the workers (reference: Caliban and the Witch by Silvia Federici). I think this is still incredibly present in our world and is also a tactic used by the fitness industry to convince us that what we need for health is not within us but needs to be purchased.
1 month ago | 49
tbh lifting weights and going to the gym really helped me overcome an unhealthy relationship with food since i started viewing gaining weight as not a bad thing since i would be putting on muscle
1 month ago | 1
I've been an avid gym goer for the past 4 years and I think my relationship with food is about the same as before. I still eat out, have treats, etc. once in a while that I enjoy but I think food has become more utilitarian for me, as in fuel and "just getting the calories in." What did affect my social life was meal timing, before I'd eat when hungry but now I'm pretty strict about eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner at hopefully the same time every day and it's weird to people who go fast and loose with meal times.
1 month ago (edited) | 9
Getting into the "healthy lifestyle" was more of peer pressure than my own choice. I come from an Asian family so since I was always a heavier kid, I got a lot of judgement. Late high school/college I was super thin (due to eating disorders, and recurrent food poisoning) and that was the only time I felt accepted by my parents for my weight. Eventually I gained a lot of weight through adulthood and again, feeling semi-bullied by family around me, got into exercising and counting macros. I feel like I've lost touch with the pleasure that food brings. I eat before going to dinner parties, I say no to many social gatherings and get anxious about food choices when going on vacation to foreign countries. I feel like I'm just spending all my days thinking of food...either buying the right groceries or cooking the right way or meal prepping so I don't order a pizza after a busy work day. I feel like when I weighed more 2 years ago, I had so much more time and mental space. I look at it as something temporary or feel maybe I'm not doing something right. I now live in a European country and feel like all the tall, skinny people around me eat fries and microwave dinners and are just so much more freer than I am. But every time I do ease up on myself, I gain that weight back.
1 month ago | 0
I grew up with a mom always doing different popular diets, being critical of herself and her weight constantly. I went on my first diet at 8 years old. Marketing and how my mom grew up both played a role in her insecurity and she is still this way but maybe to a lesser degree? I struggled to not fixate on my body all the way through middle and high school, I hyper fixated on what I was eating. Going vegan 7 years ago helped me because it broke a lot of my “food rules” and I was rediscovering that food I thought was bad for me like carbs, is actually an essential part of a diet that gives you energy. And there’s a way to eat everything I like that makes me feel good. Inside and out. However, I still fixate on food. I think about what I’m going to eat all the time, when I gain weight there’s a inner critic that is quite loud sometimes. Thank you for reading! It’s a super common experience I think and it’s nice to hear others stories.
1 month ago | 1
Hey Alice, to answer your question it began my Sophomore (10th grade) year in high school when I got a gym membership out of boredom and something to do. As my exercising got more consistent I began to look into food more and turned to Veganism. This was the start of the disordered pattern with exercise and restrictive eating. I believe the term is orthorexia but I believed I was being the healthiest I could be in a culture that promoted unhealthy foods through advertisement consistently. You couldn’t even escape the food advertisements at the gym with every ad break convincing you to stop by McDonald’s. As I began seeing results from the restriction combined with exercise I stopped going to my after-school clubs to hit the gym. Every day, not allowing myself a rest day, I found excuses to go to the gym and since I didn't have a car I would walk the four miles there and back if I couldn't find a ride. This resulted in me isolating myself from friends as I believed I had no time for them besides school hours. I felt at the time that they wouldn't get my angle being obsessive about my health, the irony as I was slowly withering away. I hope this answers the question somewhat. Keep the great videos coming! I'm excited for this one.
1 month ago | 0
For me I would say that after gyming consistently for a while, I'm constantly thinking of food and if it's good for me or not. Eating 'unhealthy' once in a while gives me alot of guilt even though my progress is good. It's a constant debate in my mind and I just want it to stop.
1 month ago | 2
i really struggled with bulimia in high school and i’ve really come a long way but when i lived with an old roommate that was preparing for a body building competition it was hard. she would measure out every little thing she ate and talk about the macros constantly. she would feel really guilty if she ate something bad and would talk about all of the dietary restrictions a lot. hearing someone talk soooo negatively about fat was what really sucked. it just messed me up a little but i moved out and everything was ok. whenever i tried to bridge the topic of like are you ok? she just brushed me off so hope she’s doing ok bc watching someone go from having healthy relationship with food to having a toxic relationship is a little scary.
1 month ago | 2
A friend of mine used to refuse to eat most green vegetables in high school, he just didn't like them. Paired with him being the fittest in class it's fair to say it warped my perception of nutrition as a chubby kid. He has infinite energy, works out pretty much everyday and had the best grades, now an engineer with two degrees, dude is built different. I naturally got thin by not stuffing myself, fast metabolism I guess (also food's more expensive), but so far I still can't get results working out. It's so hard to build up the habit for me, I end up wanting to sleep more and after I see no progress I loose motivation. It feels like such a time sink.
1 month ago | 8
Alice Cappelle
Hey everyone! I want to hear from people who've developed an unhealthy relationship with food after they started going to the gym and adopting the lifestyle that goes with it. How did it impact your social life? Also open to experiences from people who've lived with someone who suffered from this and how it impacted your relationship with them. This doesn't come from a place of judgement, I've been there myself and it took me years to overcome this. This is part of a bigger video project :) thank you for your help!!
1 month ago | [YT] | 1,044