been working on refining the intro sequence of MSD before i fully focus on chapter one right now. heres a little look at it.
in other words uh idk if i did mention it but kartina is 100% finished unless we change our minds on something. i havent actually watched the whole thing yet myself but its exported and i guess i just havent gotten around to watching it in full like that.
college is EXTREMELY boring because we get nowhere near enough work to do and so most lessons are just sitting completely still for 2.5 hours trying my hardest to zone out. im at a point in my life where i dont really have many friends and certainly nobody whos "best friend" material, which is hard since i spent like 10 years of my life used to the dynamic of having two extremely close best friends but that all fell apart almost two years ago and its getting to me badly now. somehow my "super antisocial" friend managed to actually befriend this girl pretty quickly (lets call her Sarah), and i took the opportunity to snatch that friend for myself since the social barrier had already been broken and it was okay to talk to this person so why not make them my best friend. she was actually great and very quickly decided we should all go on a day out together and started planning it. we had a date in mind, but the very night before she cancelled, said something came up apparently to do with her dad.
the next day she didnt really get to talk to me, and the one after i woudlve had a lesson with her but she asked to sit by herself. i get that, people need space sometimes. but what confused me was that she wasnt sat by herself, but instead with a different friend. weird, but i tried not to overthink it. the next day comes around and shes actively avoiding me, i see her in a corridor, she sees me, and she turns 180 degrees to find another way around. i was genuinely panicking all day because like why??? did someone tell her something about me? was it even true??? will i EVER even know why? and of course this all accumulated when during the start of my final lesson i looked at my phone to see that she had blocked me, as well as blocked my other friend who i met her through. yes i had a panic attack. yes i had to ask to leave the room. yes i went on a bus home immediately and went to bed.
its not even the fact that Sarah doesnt like me anymore, its the constant questions as to WHY. one (previously working) theory was that while organising that day out, she told her dad about me and my friend, and he said she cant see us anymore because we are transgender. but the other theory is that someone told her something behind my back that is either completely not true, or an extreme stretch of the truth. my best idea as to what she was told about is this one event which happened multiple years ago in secondary school, where this group of people during lunch time were literally throwing trash at me, calling me slurs, and calling me a pedo (i have no idea where this came from as i havent ever had any sort of false accusations against me, it was just transphobia). my immediate reaction was to grab one of them, throw them into a wall, and start kicking them on the floor. apparently, this one in particular was female, which has spawned the rumour that im apparently only trans because i like to beat women (???), because of this ONE time that i hurt someone i didnt even know was female because she and her friends were being horrible to me.
the latter theory, as foreshadowed earlier, is the more likely one to be true, or at least some variation of it. this is because as of yesterday my other friend i met her through was sat with me waiting for class. we were talking for a while and i noticed that Sarah was sat purposefully far away from her class specifically to avoid us, and eventually my friend noticed. "oh i just realised that Sarah is sat right there by herself this whole time" and started going towards her. i stopped her like ??? dude shes literally avoiding us cant you see that. apparently Sarah had stopped avoiding my friend, and was actually talking to her again, and my friend said this like i shouldve already known or something? so the idea that shes just not allowed to talk to transgender people cannot be true, as this friend is similarly trans like i am. clearly shes heard something specifically about me that has made her feel the need to avoid me in real life and block me online.
i cant even rely on my friend there to find anything out for me because she is extremely non-confrontational, she will likely go years still being friends with both me and Sarah and never bring it up, and even if she does, she will not defend me. she has done this before, just being perfectly okay being friends with people who despise me and just accepting that "well theyre nice to me all of a sudden so oh well ill roll with it". this kind of behaviour is honestly one of the main reasons why i can never consider her best friend material. maybe i should be concerned that shes reading this, but is she really? has she ever taken an interest in my blender stuffs? no. she wont read this. if you do, congratulations, youre a better friend than i thought, i guess.
i can only distract myself from the issue at hand now by doing blender stuffs and replaying silent hill over and over again because the more i think about this, the more i end up having entire imaginary arguments with myself debating every possible scenario including ones that are ridiculously unlikely to be the case and it just frustrates me.
dont think ive actually vented through here before. usually just a typical life update with no hard feelings type of stuff. sorry about that one.
idoblenderstuffs
been working on refining the intro sequence of MSD before i fully focus on chapter one right now. heres a little look at it.
in other words uh idk if i did mention it but kartina is 100% finished unless we change our minds on something. i havent actually watched the whole thing yet myself but its exported and i guess i just havent gotten around to watching it in full like that.
college is EXTREMELY boring because we get nowhere near enough work to do and so most lessons are just sitting completely still for 2.5 hours trying my hardest to zone out. im at a point in my life where i dont really have many friends and certainly nobody whos "best friend" material, which is hard since i spent like 10 years of my life used to the dynamic of having two extremely close best friends but that all fell apart almost two years ago and its getting to me badly now. somehow my "super antisocial" friend managed to actually befriend this girl pretty quickly (lets call her Sarah), and i took the opportunity to snatch that friend for myself since the social barrier had already been broken and it was okay to talk to this person so why not make them my best friend. she was actually great and very quickly decided we should all go on a day out together and started planning it. we had a date in mind, but the very night before she cancelled, said something came up apparently to do with her dad.
the next day she didnt really get to talk to me, and the one after i woudlve had a lesson with her but she asked to sit by herself. i get that, people need space sometimes. but what confused me was that she wasnt sat by herself, but instead with a different friend. weird, but i tried not to overthink it. the next day comes around and shes actively avoiding me, i see her in a corridor, she sees me, and she turns 180 degrees to find another way around. i was genuinely panicking all day because like why??? did someone tell her something about me? was it even true??? will i EVER even know why? and of course this all accumulated when during the start of my final lesson i looked at my phone to see that she had blocked me, as well as blocked my other friend who i met her through. yes i had a panic attack. yes i had to ask to leave the room. yes i went on a bus home immediately and went to bed.
its not even the fact that Sarah doesnt like me anymore, its the constant questions as to WHY. one (previously working) theory was that while organising that day out, she told her dad about me and my friend, and he said she cant see us anymore because we are transgender. but the other theory is that someone told her something behind my back that is either completely not true, or an extreme stretch of the truth. my best idea as to what she was told about is this one event which happened multiple years ago in secondary school, where this group of people during lunch time were literally throwing trash at me, calling me slurs, and calling me a pedo (i have no idea where this came from as i havent ever had any sort of false accusations against me, it was just transphobia). my immediate reaction was to grab one of them, throw them into a wall, and start kicking them on the floor. apparently, this one in particular was female, which has spawned the rumour that im apparently only trans because i like to beat women (???), because of this ONE time that i hurt someone i didnt even know was female because she and her friends were being horrible to me.
the latter theory, as foreshadowed earlier, is the more likely one to be true, or at least some variation of it. this is because as of yesterday my other friend i met her through was sat with me waiting for class. we were talking for a while and i noticed that Sarah was sat purposefully far away from her class specifically to avoid us, and eventually my friend noticed. "oh i just realised that Sarah is sat right there by herself this whole time" and started going towards her. i stopped her like ??? dude shes literally avoiding us cant you see that. apparently Sarah had stopped avoiding my friend, and was actually talking to her again, and my friend said this like i shouldve already known or something? so the idea that shes just not allowed to talk to transgender people cannot be true, as this friend is similarly trans like i am. clearly shes heard something specifically about me that has made her feel the need to avoid me in real life and block me online.
i cant even rely on my friend there to find anything out for me because she is extremely non-confrontational, she will likely go years still being friends with both me and Sarah and never bring it up, and even if she does, she will not defend me. she has done this before, just being perfectly okay being friends with people who despise me and just accepting that "well theyre nice to me all of a sudden so oh well ill roll with it". this kind of behaviour is honestly one of the main reasons why i can never consider her best friend material. maybe i should be concerned that shes reading this, but is she really? has she ever taken an interest in my blender stuffs? no. she wont read this. if you do, congratulations, youre a better friend than i thought, i guess.
i can only distract myself from the issue at hand now by doing blender stuffs and replaying silent hill over and over again because the more i think about this, the more i end up having entire imaginary arguments with myself debating every possible scenario including ones that are ridiculously unlikely to be the case and it just frustrates me.
dont think ive actually vented through here before. usually just a typical life update with no hard feelings type of stuff. sorry about that one.
3 weeks ago (edited) | [YT] | 38