Hey John, I'm really depressed right now, I'm literally in tears every day. I try to make friends with these younger YouTubers and they block me when I say I'm alot older than them. It seems none of them like older people and they want you to get in your box of whatever age you are and stay there, and it sucks. I'm glad Tony finally made me a mod on his channel without me begging him, I asked him back in December and he said no, I asked him in January and he said no, finally a week ago some new subscriber asked if he could be mod and I told the new guy I been here since the beginning because I was in the first ten subscribers Tony had and I told this guy I should have it first and Tony agreed. I look up to him even though he is really young, he is wise beyond his years. I want to be the best mod I can be for him and get rid of the bad people that come in there and say inappropriate things, those older guys make it bad for guys like me. I want to do YouTube but I'm afraid I won't be big like Tony will be, because I'm older, ugly, not very intelligent, and have no talent or charisma. Most people who try to start a YouTube channel will never even get 1,000 subscribers and alot of views. I can't do anything else, I always felt I was meant for this being an entertainer. I think Tony will end of having millions of subscribers and millions of views and may end up being bigger than Mr beast lol. I kinda don't want him to be that big with his ego and everything, I also believe he has a genius IQ, maybe like 163 and yet first chat I asked him are you going to college and he said he was to stupid for that, he said he wanted to be a boxer and learn welding as a trade just in case and maybe a short stint in the military. He said he didn't want to really be a YouTuber, he didn't care about being rich and famous all he wanted was to not be homeless and get married and have a couple of kids and be a pillar of the community and give back and help people. He said he was just fucking with YouTube for shits and giggles. John, Tony seems like he's changing because he's getting very popular, you remember when at most he had 20 concurrents on his chat. Then he does the video with the stick and the shorts with his cell phone number on it, I honestly believe that is why he is blowing up, plus being shirtless all the time on stream. John, I'm also worried about him and those nosebleeds he has all of the time,it scares me to death. When it first happened last year I asked him if he had hemophilia and he didn't respond he said he's going to be fine, but I don't think so. That young man has alot going on inside him, alot of rage and confusion, I can feel it. I know his family life is none of our business but I just wish I could hug him, he's afraid to cry,who knows who told him that's weak. I cry all the time because I have severe depression, like suicidal stuff, I know Tony has mental illness, don't you think so, it's not just being a normal teenager. He says he's not going to college way back but yet he's taking Spanish and physics and stuff like that, those are AP classes, Spanish and physics are not required to graduate in Minnesota high school, I personally think he's taking AP classes and is on the high honors role and says he's dumb. I know he's very well read and has a large vocabulary because I've heard him say alot of words that I don't know what they mean and I'm not talking about current slang. I sadly don't read much because I am autistic and have ADHD and I space out. I think I have a very low IQ and I know I have a limited vocabulary, when I was in school kids didn't use big words really and the dumb kids just had to take the basics to graduate while the others took college prep stuff. I think Tony is planning on going to college in case YouTube falls apart. I bet he'll even be able to get into Harvard or northwestern or Princeton. I hate it when smart kids say they hate school and they are afraid they are going to fail. I have read that high IQ kids hate school because they're bored because they don't get challenged at all. I noticed Tyler was blowing up that made me feel good to see but part of me would rather see Tyler on top not Tony, I know that sounds bad to say. Tony said last December his goal is the golden play button for YouTube with 100,000 subscribers by New Year Eve this year if not before, that's why is doing alot of streams each day to algorithm max with subscribers and views. I know Tony is more attractive than Tyler but who do you think is more interesting and which one do you think would go the long haul. Even though Tony is my favorite of these younger guys, I love Julian prismatic tingles ASMR as well he deserves success, he comes across as modest and greatfull and with Tony I get the feeling he just sees us as subscribers and views on a screen, just look at how people simp for him lol, and most are only from this year like since February, it's kinda a sickening to see, I know Tony is eating it up, I am jealous of him but I don't hate him, I would eat it up too. I guess Tony and Sarah broke up and part of me thinks it's because of these simps, I could be wrong, but doesn't it seem like he's gotten more self centered just since March. I don't want him to disappear but I want him to appreciate what is happening, it's not guaranteed to last, there's always someone more pretty, smarter, better body, more charisma that will devour you. I think being humble is best myself. I want to get to be friends with Tony in real life but my age alone would cause him to block me and call me groomer or what not without even getting to know me. I call that fear porn, Gen z and gen alpha are afraid of their own shadows, it's sad it wasn't that way when I grew up there were large age gap friendships and large age gap relationships 18+ of course. I know for a fact when these younger people get middle aged and elderly they're going to want to be with people alot younger than them, not all but most, that's hypocritical to me. I am going to start my channels between either July 4 and October 4 at the latest but I need to get a job to survive, since I'm ugly and old, I'm considering not being on camera and using AI voice, I don't want to but I hate myself and I'm ashamed. I wish I could be accepted by the people I desire to know, maybe I could add something to their lives not just getting from them. My goal is to eventually work with Tony on a collaboration, I'm thinking a fishing stream because my parents fished but I didn't, I am afraid to handle worms to bait a hook and handle a flapping wet fish lol,it would be comedy gold with Tony making fun of me on stream and I think it would attract subscribers and views. When I go in Tony's chat and say hi sometimes he says what's up other times he ignores me and usually he ignores what I have to say after that for the rest of the chat. I think I am boring to him and I don't want to be, I want to be interesting to him, but I don't know what to say or do where he would want to get to know me better. I used to know an older guy who had tons of Gen z friends and they loved him they treated him like an equal and he didn't have to bribe them to hang around but for some reason I seem to have a problem lol. I think I'm just going to do my job as the best mod I can be for Tony and I'll say hi but then I won't say anything else except bye when stream ends, that way I don't piss him or anyone else off. I have a hard time reading social cues even online lol. I'm sorry for the mental illness rant but I needed vent and I need to try and figure out my life and what I'm going to do while I have time. I'm trying to find a good therapist but I'm poor and talk therapy is great,afterall it's not fair to poor out my troubles to people on the Internet. Thanks for reading if you read this. I also feel sorry for Colton and I can relate what he's going through, maybe you should try reaching out to him, I would but I'm old and I don't think he would give me a chance. I wouldn't lecture him but I would just listen to what he had to say and try to be supportive. I hope he gets better and makes it through highschool, I care about Colton just like I do Tony. It kinda seems like Tony is through with Colton and his depression because Colton comes in stream saying he cut himself, and I think Tony maybe tried and just doesn't know what to do to help him. I cry alot worrying about Tony and Colton and all of these younger people I just wish I could fix them and me.
6 months ago
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John Ryan
Hey Let me know what's UP Or DOWN with you
7 months ago | [YT] | 2