Any time I go out of the house and come across some newly cursed parent, all I hear is about “how awesome their child is” and “how great it is to be a parent.” Let me set you straight, new parents are like, victims of the pod people. Prior to the invasion, they all had interests, could laugh at crude humor, liked games, had friends, and it took a lot to offend them. Then, seemingly overnight, while they're asleep. This new creature bursts out of its host and eats up their individuality and sense of humor! Leaving behind that new baby smell. Which frankly, if you're not the parent that reeks of vomit and shit. And the empty shells of formally cool people. So, my question is… Why? What happens to the individual that alters the minds of these once interesting individuals. Where once they would discuss the existential possibility of time and space displacement. Now they talk about baby rashes and how their devil spawn spits up their food in the cutest of ways. Are you fucking serious? Just cuz you have a kid, that doesn’t mean you have to stop playing games, stop reading weird-ass magazines, stop having an interest in games, music, movies and so on! It doesn't mean your hobbies are now invalid, it doesn't mean you have to stop laughing at crude humor or sexual content, and your personal growth doesn't come to a screeching halt just cuz you now have a kid! Regardless of the “new edition” to your family, you are an individual! “Well you don't have kids, so you don't understand.” The fuck I don't. I understand perfectly. And being on the outside of all this newborn bullshit, I can see things I lot clearer than you can with your diaper covered eyes! But now it's all about the child. And the worst part is that they try to get you to give a shit and curb your sense of humor around the baby. For example: You try to tell an offensive joke, but, “Oh don't say that! There's a baby here!” Fuck the baby, dude. Like the kid is never gonna hear some cussing. It's pretty much all they're gonna be doing for the rest of their lives, asshole. And there's no way in hell that I’m gonna censor myself because you forgot to use a condom. That's what condoms are, genetic censoring. If you're not gonna censor yourself, neither am I. And the best thing to do is call these motherfuckers out in front of their kids no matter how old they are. Cuz they'll argue with you while setting a “good example” for their child by using soft language.”
Parent: Well, you're just a… uhh… silly poopy head and I think you're being totally unreasonable.
Me: (sarcastically) Oh yeah, that sure changed my mind, buddy. Glad you enlightened me.
Parent: Well, I don't think I need to swear around a child to make my point clear.
Me: No you don't, but I bet right now you wish you could. Go fuck yourself and take your puke pod with ya. And next time there's a get together, find a fucking babysitter.
And they get all pissy.
Parent: (enraged) You wanna take this outside?!
Me: Nah, I'm good. But if you really need a breath of fresh air, make sure you take your putrid loin seed with ya. Thanks for stopping by.
If things escalate and you get punched in the face, let them beat the shit out of you, then call the cops, press charges, and make sure that he/she/they get put in jail so that their kid can grow up without a parent for a while. I know it's cruel, but it at least saves you from stupidity and bullshit!
Nathan Aponte
You Know What's Bullshit?!
Any time I go out of the house and come across some newly cursed parent, all I hear is about “how awesome their child is” and “how great it is to be a parent.” Let me set you straight, new parents are like, victims of the pod people. Prior to the invasion, they all had interests, could laugh at crude humor, liked games, had friends, and it took a lot to offend them. Then, seemingly overnight, while they're asleep. This new creature bursts out of its host and eats up their individuality and sense of humor! Leaving behind that new baby smell. Which frankly, if you're not the parent that reeks of vomit and shit. And the empty shells of formally cool people. So, my question is… Why? What happens to the individual that alters the minds of these once interesting individuals. Where once they would discuss the existential possibility of time and space displacement. Now they talk about baby rashes and how their devil spawn spits up their food in the cutest of ways. Are you fucking serious? Just cuz you have a kid, that doesn’t mean you have to stop playing games, stop reading weird-ass magazines, stop having an interest in games, music, movies and so on! It doesn't mean your hobbies are now invalid, it doesn't mean you have to stop laughing at crude humor or sexual content, and your personal growth doesn't come to a screeching halt just cuz you now have a kid! Regardless of the “new edition” to your family, you are an individual! “Well you don't have kids, so you don't understand.” The fuck I don't. I understand perfectly. And being on the outside of all this newborn bullshit, I can see things I lot clearer than you can with your diaper covered eyes! But now it's all about the child. And the worst part is that they try to get you to give a shit and curb your sense of humor around the baby. For example: You try to tell an offensive joke, but, “Oh don't say that! There's a baby here!” Fuck the baby, dude. Like the kid is never gonna hear some cussing. It's pretty much all they're gonna be doing for the rest of their lives, asshole. And there's no way in hell that I’m gonna censor myself because you forgot to use a condom. That's what condoms are, genetic censoring. If you're not gonna censor yourself, neither am I. And the best thing to do is call these motherfuckers out in front of their kids no matter how old they are. Cuz they'll argue with you while setting a “good example” for their child by using soft language.”
Parent: Well, you're just a… uhh… silly poopy head and I think you're being totally unreasonable.
Me: (sarcastically) Oh yeah, that sure changed my mind, buddy. Glad you enlightened me.
Parent: Well, I don't think I need to swear around a child to make my point clear.
Me: No you don't, but I bet right now you wish you could. Go fuck yourself and take your puke pod with ya. And next time there's a get together, find a fucking babysitter.
And they get all pissy.
Parent: (enraged) You wanna take this outside?!
Me: Nah, I'm good. But if you really need a breath of fresh air, make sure you take your putrid loin seed with ya. Thanks for stopping by.
If things escalate and you get punched in the face, let them beat the shit out of you, then call the cops, press charges, and make sure that he/she/they get put in jail so that their kid can grow up without a parent for a while. I know it's cruel, but it at least saves you from stupidity and bullshit!
1 year ago | [YT] | 3