Invidious

I’m sorry, my age isn’t on there. I’m actually a 281,991,374,921,851,129 year old grandmother. The lines on my face aren't wrinkles, they're timelines. Each one containing the memory of a supernova, the whisper of a dinosaur's last breath, the rise and fall of empires you only read about in dusty books. At 281,991,374,921,857,129 years old, I've seen things that would make your fancy holographic screens flicker and go buh-bye. Where do I even begin? Oh, the great ol’ Big Bang. Not as big of a bang as they make it out to be, more of a cosmic hum, really. And I was there, an infant, relatively speaking. I remember the universe expanding, the first stars igniting like celestial fireflies in an endless void. It was quite a show, better than any of your modern CGI spectacles. And the Ice Age? Man, I've been through so many, they're practically seasonal changes to me. I remember huddling around meager fires with early humans, teaching them how to use tools, how to hunt without getting eaten, how to tell a good berry from a poisonous one. They were a noisy bunch, always complaining about the cold. And the woolly mammoths! Majestic creatures, though a bit smelly. Then there was that whole Jesus of Nazareth situation. I was in Jerusalem at the time, it was a crowded place, especially during Passover. I saw the whole procession, heard the crowd's roar. It was a terribly sad affair, though his followers were a devoted bunch. I offered his mother some water, she looked exhausted. The pyramids? Oh, I watched them rise from the desert sands, stone by agonizing stone. I even offered a few suggestions to the architects, though they were rather stubborn. "More support beams here," I'd say, "and less sand in the mortar!" But did they listen? Of course not. They tried to execute me quite a few times. And they were so proud of their straight lines...give me a break! I've seen empires rise and crumble like sandcastles. The Egyptians, the Romans, the Mongols, the British... I've witnessed plagues sweep across continents, seen new lands discovered, and watched humanity take its first tentative steps on the moon. And through it all, humanity's capacity for both incredible kindness and utter cruelty has remained a constant, a perplexing paradox. Oh, and the American Revolution. Don’t even get me started, with all the acts, and the protests, holy granola! That was quite the experience. I actually, took part in the Boston Tea Party. Oh, and the Sons of Liberty, what heros. I could go on for hours, what a truly exquisite story to tell the new generation. Now, you youngsters with your Big Bang Theory... Honestly, Sheldon Cooper reminds me of a young Archimedes, brilliant but socially awkward. And that Leonard...bless his heart, he's a good one. I keep telling them they should just get married already. And don't even get me started on your music. I've heard everything from the first caveman banging on a hollow log to... whatever that noise is you call "techno." Give me a good lute, roaring chorus, or something any day. But despite all I've seen, all I've experienced, there are still things that amaze me. The internet, for instance. Imagine, knowledge from across the globe, accessible at your fingertips! Though, all those cat videos... really? And you know what the best part is? Grandchildren. I've had countless great-great-great-great-great... well, you get the picture. And every single one of them, with their bright eyes and boundless curiosity, reminds me that even after all this time, the universe still has a few surprises in store. Next time you look at a starry night remember that someone, might have been watching it for a very very very very very long time. And maybe, just maybe, probably has too much dementia in her brain, but maybe, got a few good stories to tell. Hell, how did I even get on earth?

3 weeks ago | 3