so i feel like what just happened counts as frontal lobe development, but idk. sometimes i have these mini revelations and i go back to how i was before. but i genuinely think (and hope) that this is an actual change.
basically, I made a comment under a post saying "confess to ur crush", replying with nuh uh. my friend saw it and of course started making fun of me (in a friendly way ofc). however, it soon turned into a talk abt exactly HOW many crushes i have. to put it simply: a lot. there's like three my friends know about, but there's lwk a lot more with a mix of boys and girls cuz I'm pan lol.
i think the realization started when i made a joke. I said "well at least if one of them doesn't like me back, I have backups." that's all it was meant to be: a joke. but even as I sat there, i genuinely thought "is that really a good way to think abt relationships??"
how am i supposed to be loyal in an actual relationship if i can't do it when im single?? maybe its bcuz im used to "being in love with" fictional characters and stuff like that. I don't face repercussions with that, so why wouldn't it be like that irl?? i think i also had the thought process that "oh, but once i start dating one of them, i'll completely lose feelings for the other." but that's not how emotions/feelings work. besides, i shouldn't be dating someone if i have feelings for someone OTHER than them.
I also think I have the toxic mindset of "I just want proof that im dateable/attractive." it's ironic that i hate people who think that way, but im pretty much no better. the two times a boy has found out i liked them: they've been involuntary confessions, where my friends are the ones are the ones who told them. both of them ended up in rejections. I understand why: in both situations, we barely knew each other. but since then, i guess my brain is just waiting for some sort of confession or acceptance of love from someone. that's why, after having this "reflection" moment, i noticed my feelings for those people literally fading away by the second. bcuz I just went for people who i considered to get that sweet sweet validation from.
I think the biggest sign of this was with the second time. when i had been rejected, my friend told me that she had talked it out with my crush, and he said that he would think about dating me. she talked abt how cute we would be together, and i WANTED to feel over the moon. Yet, I felt horror. at first, i thought it was just the shock, but even when I got home, i realized that i was horrified at the thought of dating my "crush". I texted my friend, telling her i didn't wanna pressure him, and while i genuinely felt that way, it was mainly bcuz deep down, i knew realistically our relationship would crumble within days.
despite my mother's flawed opinions, she got one thing right: i really don't need to put so much energy into this! ofc, if i like someone, i like someone, but im not just gonna go for who i think is "good-looking enough" or "easier to have". I wanna actually get to know them now, and fall in like with them in the proper way. not just in some desperate "this is the only way i can get love and attention way". ofc my mindset hasn't completely changed overnight, but i feel like its definitely started to. I hope i can change for the better.
𝒽ime 𐙚
(warning: dumb teenager stuff lmao)
so i feel like what just happened counts as frontal lobe development, but idk. sometimes i have these mini revelations and i go back to how i was before. but i genuinely think (and hope) that this is an actual change.
basically, I made a comment under a post saying "confess to ur crush", replying with nuh uh. my friend saw it and of course started making fun of me (in a friendly way ofc). however, it soon turned into a talk abt exactly HOW many crushes i have. to put it simply: a lot. there's like three my friends know about, but there's lwk a lot more with a mix of boys and girls cuz I'm pan lol.
i think the realization started when i made a joke. I said "well at least if one of them doesn't like me back, I have backups." that's all it was meant to be: a joke. but even as I sat there, i genuinely thought "is that really a good way to think abt relationships??"
how am i supposed to be loyal in an actual relationship if i can't do it when im single?? maybe its bcuz im used to "being in love with" fictional characters and stuff like that. I don't face repercussions with that, so why wouldn't it be like that irl?? i think i also had the thought process that "oh, but once i start dating one of them, i'll completely lose feelings for the other." but that's not how emotions/feelings work. besides, i shouldn't be dating someone if i have feelings for someone OTHER than them.
I also think I have the toxic mindset of "I just want proof that im dateable/attractive." it's ironic that i hate people who think that way, but im pretty much no better. the two times a boy has found out i liked them: they've been involuntary confessions, where my friends are the ones are the ones who told them. both of them ended up in rejections. I understand why: in both situations, we barely knew each other. but since then, i guess my brain is just waiting for some sort of confession or acceptance of love from someone. that's why, after having this "reflection" moment, i noticed my feelings for those people literally fading away by the second. bcuz I just went for people who i considered to get that sweet sweet validation from.
I think the biggest sign of this was with the second time. when i had been rejected, my friend told me that she had talked it out with my crush, and he said that he would think about dating me. she talked abt how cute we would be together, and i WANTED to feel over the moon. Yet, I felt horror. at first, i thought it was just the shock, but even when I got home, i realized that i was horrified at the thought of dating my "crush". I texted my friend, telling her i didn't wanna pressure him, and while i genuinely felt that way, it was mainly bcuz deep down, i knew realistically our relationship would crumble within days.
despite my mother's flawed opinions, she got one thing right: i really don't need to put so much energy into this! ofc, if i like someone, i like someone, but im not just gonna go for who i think is "good-looking enough" or "easier to have". I wanna actually get to know them now, and fall in like with them in the proper way. not just in some desperate "this is the only way i can get love and attention way". ofc my mindset hasn't completely changed overnight, but i feel like its definitely started to. I hope i can change for the better.
2 months ago | [YT] | 54