Some points you say are true, but I can say on personal experience always the amount somebody triggers your nervous system is the key point and vice versa - there are a wide range what unhealthy behavior can be. An anxious and avoidant as a couple are the best examples... it depends always on how reflected everybody is, if you set boundaries (like I want more connection and please can we see us three times a week and nothing changes), if one had already done much wounding in the beginning of an relationship (like disappearing for days or ghosting for years and came back to start over), if you can talk things out and everybody follows through. If nothing changes one or both burn out. And sometimes if you are in an relationship with an highly avoidant ... in german we say they have "Bindungsangst"...your nervous system shifts to anxious. And if you haven't heard from it and never met a person with this issues, it can come in subtle ways and sometimes you ignore your gut. After some time your only task is to end things and protect yourself.
4 months ago | 0
Clayton Olson Coaching
Let me say something that might rub a little:
Just because you're triggered doesn't mean they're doing something wrong.
And just because they’re doing something wrong doesn’t mean it’s their job to fix your past.
Your partner is not your therapist.
They are not your trauma integration plan.
They’re not a mind-reader, a space-holder, or a healing container.
They’re a person.
With their own nervous system.
Their own limits.
Their own story.
Yes, relationships reveal wounds.
But what’s being revealed is yours to hold.
A client came to me recently saying their partner “wasn’t making them feel safe.”
They weren’t yelling. They weren’t crossing boundaries.
They just weren’t reacting the way my client wanted - they weren’t co-regulating “correctly.”
So the client kept escalating.
Demanding deeper emotional presence.
More reassurance. More processing.
But here’s the truth we uncovered together:
It wasn’t that the partner wasn’t safe.
It’s that safety still felt unfamiliar to my client.
They were mistaking intensity for intimacy and calling it a red flag when things were just… calm.
This is what happens when we outsource our healing to another person:
We stop growing and start controlling.
We start demanding and start blaming.
Want a real relationship?
Stop trying to turn your partner into a perfect caretaker.
Stop using emotional language to justify avoidant or anxious patterns.
Stop expecting them to fix the pain that started long before they arrived.
Instead, build the emotional capacity to hold yourself.
So your relationship doesn’t have to collapse under the weight of your unprocessed past.
Healing is your responsibility.
Relationship is where you practice it, not where you avoid it.
If you’re ready to stop projecting your pain onto people who love you, and start building the kind of connection your nervous system can trust.
→ Click here to apply for coaching:
Http://www.claytonolsoncoaching.com/coaching-appli…
We’ll do the work that your relationship can’t do for you.
With love,
Clayton
4 months ago | [YT] | 27