I don’t really share super personal things about my current life here but since this is something that has had an effect on my YouTube upload output over the last year I thought it relevant.
If you’ve been a subscriber for a while then you know I only upload when I’m inspired to do so. From the beginning I made the conscious decision that I would not try to “make the algorithm happy” or upload on a super regular schedule just so people wouldn’t forget about me, etc.
So my uploads have always been somewhat sporadic but much more so over the last six months or so.
Late last year my father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer that had spread to other organs. As many of you know this is essentially a death sentence.
He fought extremely hard but lost his battle after ten months on August 17th of this year.
At the very end he was in and out of knowing where he was and what was going on but I was fortunate to happen to be at his home on his last day. I got to sit with him and comfort him, hold his hand and tell him I loved him during some brief moments of clarity only a few hours before he left us. (I was his only child)
Some people get more creative during times of emotional hardship and dive head first into their art or craft but for me this has never been the case.
As I watched my father deteriorate over the last ten months my attitude towards creating for and uploading to YouTube drifted more and more into “who gives a f*ck?” and “what does this stuff even matter?” territory. This has included posting on other social media and responding to messages and comments.
Basically things that brought me joy had become kind of joyless.
Even going through the archives of my old home videos from the 80s and 90s to find something to upload became painfully depressing as most of those videos are from happy times living with my father.
If you are familiar with the video I posted about the strange and amazing house that my dad had been building all by himself since 1995: no, it was not completed. Not even close.
And no, I will not be taking it over to finish it.
It is in the hands of his widow and, since he had no money to leave, will probably eventually be sold as is so that she may support herself.
As many of you know, when you’re not feeding YouTube regularly with “amazing content that drives viewer engagement” etc. etc. you will be punished or at the very least sent to the sidelines. At this point my channel has essentially flatlined, which doesn’t bother me as I have never been on a mission to make YouTube my job, but it certainly doesn’t help to reinvigorate my excitement to jump back into creating videos.
All of this is to say that I’m definitely not going to stop creating or uploading videos, it’s just going to be a minute before I get back to the feeling of joy I had for it before my dad’s diagnosis.
In a few days I’m going to take a roadtrip for a few weeks or more to clear my head and reflect. Upon my return home I have plans for a very nostalgic, upbeat and fun video about my life as a metalhead in the 80s.
Thanks to everyone who has reached out in any form with kind words or support. I apologize for my delayed or total lack of responses over the last few months or more. I’m sure you understand.
If you haven’t seen the video I made about my father and his decades long, over-the-top house project there will be a link at the bottom of this post.
I uploaded it on the morning of his 70th birthday but since he didn’t use YouTube or have a computer, I had to create a single DVD copy and bring it to his house for him to see it.
A month or so later I actually printed out all of the comments the video had received just so he could read them.
This brought him great joy and numerous times he asked me when I was going to come over to do a follow up video.
Sadly I never got the chance to.
I promise I’ll be back to myself soon! Thanks so much for sticking around and being patient. It really means a lot to me. <3
Len Enders
I don’t really share super personal things about my current life here but since this is something that has had an effect on my YouTube upload output over the last year I thought it relevant.
If you’ve been a subscriber for a while then you know I only upload when I’m inspired to do so. From the beginning I made the conscious decision that I would not try to “make the algorithm happy” or upload on a super regular schedule just so people wouldn’t forget about me, etc.
So my uploads have always been somewhat sporadic but much more so over the last six months or so.
Late last year my father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer that had spread to other organs. As many of you know this is essentially a death sentence.
He fought extremely hard but lost his battle after ten months on August 17th of this year.
At the very end he was in and out of knowing where he was and what was going on but I was fortunate to happen to be at his home on his last day. I got to sit with him and comfort him, hold his hand and tell him I loved him during some brief moments of clarity only a few hours before he left us. (I was his only child)
Some people get more creative during times of emotional hardship and dive head first into their art or craft but for me this has never been the case.
As I watched my father deteriorate over the last ten months my attitude towards creating for and uploading to YouTube drifted more and more into “who gives a f*ck?” and “what does this stuff even matter?” territory. This has included posting on other social media and responding to messages and comments.
Basically things that brought me joy had become kind of joyless.
Even going through the archives of my old home videos from the 80s and 90s to find something to upload became painfully depressing as most of those videos are from happy times living with my father.
If you are familiar with the video I posted about the strange and amazing house that my dad had been building all by himself since 1995: no, it was not completed. Not even close.
And no, I will not be taking it over to finish it.
It is in the hands of his widow and, since he had no money to leave, will probably eventually be sold as is so that she may support herself.
As many of you know, when you’re not feeding YouTube regularly with “amazing content that drives viewer engagement” etc. etc. you will be punished or at the very least sent to the sidelines. At this point my channel has essentially flatlined, which doesn’t bother me as I have never been on a mission to make YouTube my job, but it certainly doesn’t help to reinvigorate my excitement to jump back into creating videos.
All of this is to say that I’m definitely not going to stop creating or uploading videos, it’s just going to be a minute before I get back to the feeling of joy I had for it before my dad’s diagnosis.
In a few days I’m going to take a roadtrip for a few weeks or more to clear my head and reflect. Upon my return home I have plans for a very nostalgic, upbeat and fun video about my life as a metalhead in the 80s.
Thanks to everyone who has reached out in any form with kind words or support. I apologize for my delayed or total lack of responses over the last few months or more. I’m sure you understand.
If you haven’t seen the video I made about my father and his decades long, over-the-top house project there will be a link at the bottom of this post.
I uploaded it on the morning of his 70th birthday but since he didn’t use YouTube or have a computer, I had to create a single DVD copy and bring it to his house for him to see it.
A month or so later I actually printed out all of the comments the video had received just so he could read them.
This brought him great joy and numerous times he asked me when I was going to come over to do a follow up video.
Sadly I never got the chance to.
I promise I’ll be back to myself soon! Thanks so much for sticking around and being patient. It really means a lot to me. <3
-L3N
Here's the video about his house project- https://youtu.be/mijuIr7g6Is?si=SC2ZS...
1 year ago | [YT] | 560