content warning: fraternizing with a minor, su*cidality
you may have seen recent posts by a person alleging my abuse against them. i'm deeply ashamed to say it's true. you can find their statement on instagram or twitter, please read it first:
we recall small details differently but the important facts are the same, so if you’re going to read just one statement, make sure it’s theirs. i'm gonna start from the beginning and highlight everything i did wrong.
since starting my channel at 15, i took pride in how i talked to commenters and fans. i saw them as equals, treating them all as potential friends. i didn't understand the inherent imbalance of the fan/creator dynamic and the power that gave me over others- especially those younger than me. as i got older, that power only got stronger, yet even as an adult i didn't change my behavior to match. i was reckless and irresponsible, throwing all that power around like it was nothing. the danger i posed would soon lead to the biggest mistake of my life.
i met the victim online in march 2017. they had shared a nice post about me and i left a comment thanking them. a week later i replied to their dm request and we started chatting. there was nothing out of the ordinary for a while, just occasional convos about my videos and theories they had. but that summer, when they were 15 and i was 19, we started getting close. we would talk more often and share hardships with eachother. during this time, i saw myself as a ray of light in their dark life, but in reality i was creating an emotional overdependence that would alter the course of their life. unfortunately it gets much worse.
they had always been infatuated with me, and early that summer they told me about their crush, to which i turned them down. we went on as usual, but in the late summer of 2017, i started developing feelings back. so when they started pursuing me again, i'm ashamed to say i started returning their affection. we would be flirty and text roleplay, and by november those roleplays had escalated to the point of passionate kissing. i had personally set a hard line at anything explicit, as if that made any of it okay. no suggestive photos or anything like that were shared, but the roleplays were wildly inappropriate and leagues beyond okay. thinking about what i did sickens me and i regret it all so deeply.
before continuing with what happened i wanna compare the excuses i made for my actions at the time vs how i view my actions now. to be clear, this is not in any way to justify what i did. the “reasoning” i used disgusts me and i have no excuse. i just want to shed light on how someone who saw themself as a good person could do something so terrible.
whenever i heard about online predators, i imagined people who sought out children and pressured them into sex. i knew that would never be me. i only ever had good intentions and never imagined i could ever hurt them. even during the worst of it, i still didn't understand the abuse i was committing. i knew minors cant consent to adults, but i had been the one saying yes. my feelings were real and i truly cared for them. there was no pressure at play.. or so i was careless enough to believe.
what's so obvious to me now is that, if a person is too young to consent to an adults offer, they're too young to make an offer to an adult. it's the same lack of understanding, no matter who's pursuing who. i had the responsibility to keep strong boundaries and a professional distance from minors and the emotionally vulnerable, yet i did the exact opposite. my very presence and prominence in their life was the warping factor pressuring them.
i now understand who the victim was: a broken child, desperate for the positive attention their idol was giving them and willing to offer anything to keep it. that's the offer i accepted, and this will never fail to utterly horrify me.
continuing the story, everything came to a front that december, when their mom found our texts. she texted me and threatened to call the police on me if i didn't leave their child alone. this was my wakeup call. i realized my actions were, in fact, illegal, and for very good reasons. this is when i started learning about power dynamics and imbalances and truly understanding consent beyond the basics. i realized the position i had over the victim, both as an adult and as their idol, but the damage was done. i never should have fostered that connection, but there it was. i just had to decide what to do with it.
of course with our emotional attachments, we wanted to stay in each other's lives. on top of that, i was worried for their wellbeing at the prospect of losing me altogether. even with my remorse, my arrogance kept me from considering that a persons life might actually be better with me out of it. i still ultimately saw myself as a source of good in their life, and them a source of good in mine. i thought that, even if i messed up, i could still turn things around and do it right this time.
so i asked their mom if i would ever be allowed to talk to them again. she said she was too angry to talk at the time, but suggested that the possibility might be open in the future, and we left it at that. over the next few months, the victim and i had trace communications. more accurately, they would message me knowing i wouldn't respond, and i only ever did respond when they were actively su*cidal and needed intervention.
come april 2018 i asked their mom for permission to talk once more. she allowed it, provided that i kept things respectful and didn't talk to them past 9:00 PM. i saw this as my second chance. there was no roleplaying besides occasional hugs and i shut down anything suggestive, however i made no attempt to tone down our emotional bond. this was the status quo for over two years.
our feelings had remained all throughout, so in 2020 when they turned 18 and i was 22, we started a long distance relationship. i truly believed we had a shot at a healthy romance. i thought we were good at talking through most of our problems and accommodating each other, but we've both recently come to realize that the same pressures were still around. we did everything we could to make it work, but at the end of the day our biggest problem went to our very roots. the overdependence i had fostered at the beginning made it impossible for a healthy relationship to exist. so after dating for half a year, we broke up.
we were both heartbroken, wanting more but knowing we couldn't have it. we remained friends, attempting varying levels of closeness. we tried different ways to manage our problem, like setting strict boundaries and keeping enough distance to discourage dependance. today we still keep in touch a bit, careful not to get too close again.
Sawtooth Waves
confession and apology (1 of 2)
content warning: fraternizing with a minor, su*cidality
you may have seen recent posts by a person alleging my abuse against them. i'm deeply ashamed to say it's true. you can find their statement on instagram or twitter, please read it first:
www.instagram.com/beware_sawtoothwaves/
twitter.com/BSawtoothwaves
we recall small details differently but the important facts are the same, so if you’re going to read just one statement, make sure it’s theirs. i'm gonna start from the beginning and highlight everything i did wrong.
since starting my channel at 15, i took pride in how i talked to commenters and fans. i saw them as equals, treating them all as potential friends. i didn't understand the inherent imbalance of the fan/creator dynamic and the power that gave me over others- especially those younger than me. as i got older, that power only got stronger, yet even as an adult i didn't change my behavior to match. i was reckless and irresponsible, throwing all that power around like it was nothing. the danger i posed would soon lead to the biggest mistake of my life.
i met the victim online in march 2017. they had shared a nice post about me and i left a comment thanking them. a week later i replied to their dm request and we started chatting. there was nothing out of the ordinary for a while, just occasional convos about my videos and theories they had. but that summer, when they were 15 and i was 19, we started getting close. we would talk more often and share hardships with eachother. during this time, i saw myself as a ray of light in their dark life, but in reality i was creating an emotional overdependence that would alter the course of their life. unfortunately it gets much worse.
they had always been infatuated with me, and early that summer they told me about their crush, to which i turned them down. we went on as usual, but in the late summer of 2017, i started developing feelings back. so when they started pursuing me again, i'm ashamed to say i started returning their affection. we would be flirty and text roleplay, and by november those roleplays had escalated to the point of passionate kissing. i had personally set a hard line at anything explicit, as if that made any of it okay. no suggestive photos or anything like that were shared, but the roleplays were wildly inappropriate and leagues beyond okay. thinking about what i did sickens me and i regret it all so deeply.
before continuing with what happened i wanna compare the excuses i made for my actions at the time vs how i view my actions now. to be clear, this is not in any way to justify what i did. the “reasoning” i used disgusts me and i have no excuse. i just want to shed light on how someone who saw themself as a good person could do something so terrible.
whenever i heard about online predators, i imagined people who sought out children and pressured them into sex. i knew that would never be me. i only ever had good intentions and never imagined i could ever hurt them. even during the worst of it, i still didn't understand the abuse i was committing. i knew minors cant consent to adults, but i had been the one saying yes. my feelings were real and i truly cared for them. there was no pressure at play.. or so i was careless enough to believe.
what's so obvious to me now is that, if a person is too young to consent to an adults offer, they're too young to make an offer to an adult. it's the same lack of understanding, no matter who's pursuing who. i had the responsibility to keep strong boundaries and a professional distance from minors and the emotionally vulnerable, yet i did the exact opposite. my very presence and prominence in their life was the warping factor pressuring them.
i now understand who the victim was: a broken child, desperate for the positive attention their idol was giving them and willing to offer anything to keep it. that's the offer i accepted, and this will never fail to utterly horrify me.
continuing the story, everything came to a front that december, when their mom found our texts. she texted me and threatened to call the police on me if i didn't leave their child alone. this was my wakeup call. i realized my actions were, in fact, illegal, and for very good reasons. this is when i started learning about power dynamics and imbalances and truly understanding consent beyond the basics. i realized the position i had over the victim, both as an adult and as their idol, but the damage was done. i never should have fostered that connection, but there it was. i just had to decide what to do with it.
of course with our emotional attachments, we wanted to stay in each other's lives. on top of that, i was worried for their wellbeing at the prospect of losing me altogether. even with my remorse, my arrogance kept me from considering that a persons life might actually be better with me out of it. i still ultimately saw myself as a source of good in their life, and them a source of good in mine. i thought that, even if i messed up, i could still turn things around and do it right this time.
so i asked their mom if i would ever be allowed to talk to them again. she said she was too angry to talk at the time, but suggested that the possibility might be open in the future, and we left it at that. over the next few months, the victim and i had trace communications. more accurately, they would message me knowing i wouldn't respond, and i only ever did respond when they were actively su*cidal and needed intervention.
come april 2018 i asked their mom for permission to talk once more. she allowed it, provided that i kept things respectful and didn't talk to them past 9:00 PM. i saw this as my second chance. there was no roleplaying besides occasional hugs and i shut down anything suggestive, however i made no attempt to tone down our emotional bond. this was the status quo for over two years.
our feelings had remained all throughout, so in 2020 when they turned 18 and i was 22, we started a long distance relationship. i truly believed we had a shot at a healthy romance. i thought we were good at talking through most of our problems and accommodating each other, but we've both recently come to realize that the same pressures were still around. we did everything we could to make it work, but at the end of the day our biggest problem went to our very roots. the overdependence i had fostered at the beginning made it impossible for a healthy relationship to exist. so after dating for half a year, we broke up.
we were both heartbroken, wanting more but knowing we couldn't have it. we remained friends, attempting varying levels of closeness. we tried different ways to manage our problem, like setting strict boundaries and keeping enough distance to discourage dependance. today we still keep in touch a bit, careful not to get too close again.
continued in part 2
2 years ago | [YT] | 1,207