"I intend to live forever. So far, so good." - Steven Wright
1 week ago (edited) | 1,100
At least he is being thoughtful. If you must drive drunk please drive fast so you get off the roads quicker.
1 week ago | 462
"I'm sorry officer. I... I didn't know I couldn't do that."
1 week ago | 344
Son... kids your age think they're invincible, and it holds them back, makes them careless. The thing is... you're different. You actually are... invincible.
1 week ago | 400
Remember: You're always invincible until you're not. My grandad taught me that. And what bourbon smells like..
1 week ago | 39
They say god favors drunks and children, mix the two and you have an unstoppable force.
6 days ago | 10
Mark Grayson really fell apart after his dad died in that gas explosion 😢
1 week ago | 3
I was having a real bad day, but then the Onion reminded me how my partner died and suddenly life seems pretty alright! Thanks Onion!
5 days ago | 1
They have to reach so deep to find anything unbelievable enough to pass as satire that this is what we got. I love you The Onion, please never change.
6 days ago | 9
The Onion
BREAKING: Drunk Teen Going 100 MPH Down Slick Highway Is Invincible theonion.com/breaking-drunk-teen-going-100-mph-dow…
1 week ago | [YT] | 18,853