because of my arrogance, i used up the most formatively important years of their life on a connection that didn't have a chance of being healthy. if this had happened to me at 15, i can only begin to imagine how much worse i'd be for it. i realize now that staying close was a continued abuse of my power. once i realized how serious, i should have immediately worked towards dismantling our connection, not trying to make it a healthy one. i should have questioned whether that goal was good or even possible. i'm not sure how i would have gone about dismantling something so big, but even if it took months to do, that's still better than the years of their life that i wasted instead.
they're still grappling with the many consequences of what i've done, and they will be for a long time. one of the ways they've decided to deal with this is by making their story public. they have good reasons for doing this and i support them fully. they've had time to reflect on what happened and it was getting harder to heal as my influence grew, watching more and more people unknowingly praise the person who hurt them so deeply. coming forward has been truly scary and emotionally grueling for them so i ask that you respect their privacy and show them nothing but love and support.
it shouldn't have to be said, but since this is the internet, if anyone wants to defend me against them, just don't. you’re wrong, i should've been the responsible adult and public figure, full stop. i want absolutely nothing to do with victim blamers or anyone like that. the fault is on me for wronging them, not on them for exposing my wrongs. whatever happens to me is literally just the consequences of my actions.
i also recognize that this news will hurt more than just me. i want to make clear that absolutely none of the people i've worked with knew anything about what i had done. to those creators, i'm so terribly sorry. you're all wonderful people who deserve better, and i hope the memory of our past association doesn't hurt your reputation beyond repair.
i'm sorry to everyone else who will be hurt by this, to everyone who has to reckon with previously happy memories of me going sour, to anyone who now can't help but associate me with their own pain from abuse. i know this will really sting as a community. you've had to watch it too many times and i can't describe how ashamed i am to be a part of that ugly history.
i'm also sorry for hiding this for as long as i have. i knew that if word ever got out, i could never be trusted again. i didn't want that for obvious reasons, but also because i know i'm not a threat. i understand the weight of the responsibilities i have as an adult and public figure, and like any healthy adult, i've long since grown out of that possibility of attachment and attraction in the first place. however i understand that only those close to me can know that for certain. this community needs to be hypervigilant against abuse, and i get that it's better safe than sorry. i dont know what exactly this means for me going forward but here are some of the steps i'll be taking regardless.
-i'm leaving youtube indefinitely. for the foreseeable future, all videos have been removed from public viewing.
-i'm closing my discord server and deactivating my youtube discord account.
-i'm shutting down my patreon. i cannot blanket refund everyone, but upon request i will send back via paypal to everyone who regrets supporting me in light of what i did. please send your paypal in patreon dms from the account you used to pledge. if you want a refund for tshirts, bandcamp purchases, or discord turbos, dm me on twitter or instagram with your paypal and any proof of purchase.
-once refunds are sorted out, i'm closing all dms on all accounts. if i ever speak as sawtooth waves again, it will all be in the public eye.
i sincerely apologize to all affected by this, but most of all, i humbly apologize to the victim. they deserve so so much better, and i feel truly immense regret, guilt, and shame for what i did. i'm so very sorry, and my greatest hope is that they find the healing they deserve. they're the only one who can truly forgive me, and i hope one day they do.
Sawtooth Waves
confession and apology (2 of 2)
because of my arrogance, i used up the most formatively important years of their life on a connection that didn't have a chance of being healthy. if this had happened to me at 15, i can only begin to imagine how much worse i'd be for it. i realize now that staying close was a continued abuse of my power. once i realized how serious, i should have immediately worked towards dismantling our connection, not trying to make it a healthy one. i should have questioned whether that goal was good or even possible. i'm not sure how i would have gone about dismantling something so big, but even if it took months to do, that's still better than the years of their life that i wasted instead.
they're still grappling with the many consequences of what i've done, and they will be for a long time. one of the ways they've decided to deal with this is by making their story public. they have good reasons for doing this and i support them fully. they've had time to reflect on what happened and it was getting harder to heal as my influence grew, watching more and more people unknowingly praise the person who hurt them so deeply. coming forward has been truly scary and emotionally grueling for them so i ask that you respect their privacy and show them nothing but love and support.
it shouldn't have to be said, but since this is the internet, if anyone wants to defend me against them, just don't. you’re wrong, i should've been the responsible adult and public figure, full stop. i want absolutely nothing to do with victim blamers or anyone like that. the fault is on me for wronging them, not on them for exposing my wrongs. whatever happens to me is literally just the consequences of my actions.
i also recognize that this news will hurt more than just me. i want to make clear that absolutely none of the people i've worked with knew anything about what i had done. to those creators, i'm so terribly sorry. you're all wonderful people who deserve better, and i hope the memory of our past association doesn't hurt your reputation beyond repair.
i'm sorry to everyone else who will be hurt by this, to everyone who has to reckon with previously happy memories of me going sour, to anyone who now can't help but associate me with their own pain from abuse. i know this will really sting as a community. you've had to watch it too many times and i can't describe how ashamed i am to be a part of that ugly history.
i'm also sorry for hiding this for as long as i have. i knew that if word ever got out, i could never be trusted again. i didn't want that for obvious reasons, but also because i know i'm not a threat. i understand the weight of the responsibilities i have as an adult and public figure, and like any healthy adult, i've long since grown out of that possibility of attachment and attraction in the first place. however i understand that only those close to me can know that for certain. this community needs to be hypervigilant against abuse, and i get that it's better safe than sorry. i dont know what exactly this means for me going forward but here are some of the steps i'll be taking regardless.
-i'm leaving youtube indefinitely. for the foreseeable future, all videos have been removed from public viewing.
-i'm closing my discord server and deactivating my youtube discord account.
-i'm shutting down my patreon. i cannot blanket refund everyone, but upon request i will send back via paypal to everyone who regrets supporting me in light of what i did. please send your paypal in patreon dms from the account you used to pledge. if you want a refund for tshirts, bandcamp purchases, or discord turbos, dm me on twitter or instagram with your paypal and any proof of purchase.
-once refunds are sorted out, i'm closing all dms on all accounts. if i ever speak as sawtooth waves again, it will all be in the public eye.
i sincerely apologize to all affected by this, but most of all, i humbly apologize to the victim. they deserve so so much better, and i feel truly immense regret, guilt, and shame for what i did. i'm so very sorry, and my greatest hope is that they find the healing they deserve. they're the only one who can truly forgive me, and i hope one day they do.
2 years ago | [YT] | 1,557