Just went through it. No offense, but after reading it fully... it kind of looks like a joke. In the first few paragraphs, you may have used the italics a bit too much. I say that because, usually, they're used to add some sort of weight onto a word. This seemed to be the intention when used in the 5th paragraph. > "They called me a god*, but only because they didn't know what else to call a *mistake that had saved them*. But one day, the village I once *protected*, had *forsaken me." The solemnity in "god" and "mistake" is quite clear to see (partially due to the italics making them stand out, amidst the sea of common letters). I can tell they're good choices for italics, too. One look at how "god" and "mistake" are literal opposites that naturally reflect Kai's (potential) inner struggle that comes with having the piwer of a god, yet lacking the genuine identity of one. Of course, something similar applies with "protected" and "forsaken" ("protected" hinting at a bond strong enough to put oneself in the direct way of danger in order to protect the warmth behind one's back, and "forsaken" elaborating on how the cold solitude embraced the betrayed village's (former) guardian, by that point all alone.) The "them" doesn't contribute much to any of these dynamics here, imo. The following paragraph, "But in the dark I found something. Not redemption, not forgiveness. I found **POWER**." can be improved. Looking at how punctuation dictates reading speed, you could have played with something along the lines of "But in the dark, I found something. Not redemption, not forgiveness... I found POWER." Whether that's better or not, I'll leave it to others to decide. However, it isn't done just yet, as it can also be reworded. I'll provide a single example of this. > "However, I found something under the dark veil of the night. It was not forgiveness, nor redemption... No, it was *power*." If anyone thinks that can probably be better, I agree. "Found something under the dark veil of the night." kind of feels like telling (not even barely showing imo). Up to this point, I had hopes of having found a vtuber who was also a writer. 'Even if she's a fanfic writer, it's fine!' I told myself, thinking I had stuck gold. ... This changed within the next few paragraphs. "I wasn't like other girls.", "Sexy Saikõ'tah", "With my newfound power and my newfound [stress-relieving balls]," (yes I had to self-censor here, idk if the word originally used was allowed or would get this comment deleted.) The marks left behind by the truck's direct slam, as it hit my soul and sent it to another world, did not fade with time. ... ok, got a tad into storyteller mode. Sorry. But still, the core of what I wanted to tell is there. I'll not go into details about the further parts, as it reminds me too much of wish furfillment and OP MC to really wish to develop. ... Anyway, I wouldn't mind seeing this fanfic getting a tad more fleshed out. Currently, it really feels as if it lost too much of the "depth" it had pre-awakening. PS: In case anyone wonders: No. If I was here to mindlessly hate this stranger, I wouldn't have bothered in pointing out corrections anywhere.
3 months ago | 0
Kai Saikota Ch. idol-ENDLESS
heh... me rn.
im posting my first original fanfic tomorrow. you better read it
www.wattpad.com/user/KaiSaikota
4 months ago | [YT] | 379