I’m currently three weeks into the process of discontinuing my depression meds, and by God: it’s a strange ride to detox from a chemical stabilizer like that, holy moly. During the last couple of months, I’ve moved halfway across the country, gotten divorced from the woman with whom I shared the last two decades, and am now preoccupied with a very slow rebuilding of my life. Still, I find it difficult not to be grateful for everything. Our lives were, beyond love and happiness, blessed with three gorgeous children, who all became such wonderful grown-up individuals full of their very own brand of quirky lovability.
Accordingly, I’m also contemplating every single thing in my life, including the looming threat on the horizon that is my 50th birthday (which is a little under a year away, oh great). I find myself spending hours upon hours preparing for my small live streams, and I not only find joy in our lovely community itself, but also in the Zen act of slowly moving around within this ethereal space, making sure that every little thing is working.
I don’t know how many of you have read Don DeLillo, but the thing about his novels, and in particular the men portrayed in them, is that they on a regular basis find themselves alone in small rooms—often isolated, but also performing an ever-so-slow and inner restoration of themselves (not that they always succeed, mind you). My new apartment feels like one of those internal rooms. It’s a soothing space of weightless thinking, a room of meticulously moving furniture around, deciding to try this out, changing my mind, going in another direction, and sometimes stopping to stare at the blue sky just outside of my windows for an eternity.
I’ve similarly begun to imagine the rest of my life. I didn’t expect that a mental breakdown could remove me entirely from my profession as a high school teacher, but here we are, and I’ve finally gotten well enough to begin looking for my next RL work. That prospect is pretty intriguing, to be honest, especially seeing as I might end up going into everything but education this time around. Assuming that AI doesn’t mess it all up, that is, or that my age will turn out to be a restriction in the landscape of employment.
But it’s almost (almost… almost) as if I’m not nervous about that. My Tarnished Journals allowed me to reach people again, just like when I wrote my (horrendously overlooked) novels years ago or when I was a critic back in the day, and the streams now bless me with the company of kind individuals from all over the world. Make no mistake, the streaming affair will never be my main endeavor, simply because I lack the skill and/or mindset required for that sort of insanely difficult pursuit, but I’ll keep doing it because it’s a constant source of soothing joy.
Within the next few weeks, I’ll most likely upload the next experimental formats, and we’ll see how those work out. But regardless: for now, just take care and have a great weekend; may it give you peace and rest.
Painting: MARK ROTHKO > No. 61 (Rust and Blue), 1953.
Alright, people. Regarding the streaming sessions:
As you might have noticed, I am finally feeling well enough to stream on my main channel again. I do so 3 times every week (Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday for the time being), and I’ll keep doing it (Inshallah) until I die or get turned into a vegetable due to age.
But more importantly: While I still experiment with my next projects, I’ve realized why I enjoy streaming, and it’s not related to the flexing that Souls games seem to encourage, but rather the joy that I feel in the co-creation of a chill space with other grown-up nerds. I mean, sure - the addiction to the FromSoft needle is what initially sparked this part of the journey, but I’ve realized that I’m sort of in the process of creating a channel that I would have liked to hang out in myself: A soothing place without bickering, screaming, and the foul language often worshipped on Twitch, while still maintaining the spectrum-fueled love for gaming and strange runs. I get to show paintings I love, recommend movies I adore, and digress with kind people from all over the world.
Alright, friends. Please help me out: I yearn for the mines of despair (e.g., a good horror game) and want to do a scary-ass Sunday stream. Some context: I’ve played Alien: Isolation (which was nasty) and was introduced to Silent Hill 2 some time ago (and was BLOWN away; it was such an insane journey for me). I afterwards tried out Resident Evil 4 and was saddened by the lack of real psychological ick. Anything that comes to mind? Have an excellent weekend! I myself am heading out for my monthly visit with my two eldest grown-up children. We’re going to watch bad American eighties movies 🍿
I’m currently in the process of coming off the medication I was prescribed for the severe depression that took hold of me some time ago. In other words: life is strange right now and one big ol’ sine wave. I’m feeling more confident about the channel’s longevity, though, especially because I’ve decided to experiment far more freely with different formats. Mistakes are being made (and are necessary), but thankfully I seem to understand what is working. I want to say thanks to all of you kind individuals out there for being part of this strange ride. As I said back when I finished the Tarnished series, there will be a time full of silliness, seriousness, and playful whatever vibes—and I need those in order to find the next pillars. The next video (my experimental ode to Rear Window) will most likely be out tomorrow, and the next stream (The Dark Pictures: Man of Medan) is Sunday at noon, NY time. Ta ta.
So, yesterday I actually finished a RL1 ER run. Yes, I feel pretty manly now. My next scheduled stream is Sunday; anything before that will be a random surprise solely on Twitch.
I'm currently working on two experiments:
1) A green screen ode to one of my favorite movies (will be ready next week). 2) A reading of the first couple of minutes of my third novel.
I still think I'm on the right track regarding game runs, but I believe I need to cut about 20-30% next time (e.g., that Until Dawn edit).
That's it for now. Take care and have a delightful weekend <3
Alright, everyone. I’ve just uploaded something VERY different: an edited playthrough of Until Dawn. Long story short: I think I might be on to something here. For those of you who watch: What’s working and what’s not? 🤔 I don’t usually ask for feedback, but this format feels ripe with potential. Either way, take care! Next week will be something else entirely—something not related to a game. Gasp!
I had my middle son visiting this weekend, and look how insane we managed them cables on my editing station 😭 Also: I'm so happy I decided to say to heck with expectations and stream on the main YT-channel again. I'll stream here (and on Twitch simultaneously) every Monday and Thursday with whatever main thing I'm gonna try out. Tomorrow it's going to be Until Dawn from my couch and afterwards (whenever it's done) Cyberpunk. Not sure how that will go, since I've never been anywhere close to them before. I'll keep doing my no lifing RL1 run with unscheduled streams on Twitch only (later today for example). That's it, have a beautiful Sunday people ❤️
Hello there all of you lovely people! As some of you have noticed, I've just uploaded an edited run (my first Deathless ever and my first edited game video in quite a while). A couple of things: Man, that video was fun to make—but to be frank, I expect quite a few people to leave because of that. Still, that is perfectly fine, because I truly have entered a more experimental phase, where I'm going to do different things. My BB series is teasing me, my other project has nasty technical obstacles and a bunch of other things. In other words: Those who strictly want narratives within video games without curious edited runs, poetry readings, streams and whatever else I feel like doing, will have to seek homogeneity elsewhere, because I do prefer losing whatever I've achieved instead of being typecast and die of boredom. That's it, that's all I've got :D Hope you have a lovely weekend, everyone, and take care <3
1. I'm having second thoughts about my Bloodborne series. I'm not ready to call it either way yet, but there—I said it.
2. I'm going to upload an experimental pilot episode of another thing altogether in a couple of days. Not sure about that either, but if it works out, I would be inclined to go down that path—regardless of the implications.
3. I think I'm finally ready to resume streaming on my main YT channel. Two things held me back: first of all, my basic lack of skills (e.g., talking while gaming, etc.) and my schedule. But seeing as I’ve (sort of) gained the basic skillset and have decided to restrict my streaming to twice per week, I'll see how it works on the main channel for now. Mostly because I want my main channel to be, truly, a main channel—e.g., the place where I live.
Disclaimer: When the addiction gets me and I do even more wannabe try-hard runs, they'll be exclusively on my live archive YT and Twitch.
dreadingmortality
How are y’all doing out there?
I’m currently three weeks into the process of discontinuing my depression meds, and by God: it’s a strange ride to detox from a chemical stabilizer like that, holy moly. During the last couple of months, I’ve moved halfway across the country, gotten divorced from the woman with whom I shared the last two decades, and am now preoccupied with a very slow rebuilding of my life. Still, I find it difficult not to be grateful for everything. Our lives were, beyond love and happiness, blessed with three gorgeous children, who all became such wonderful grown-up individuals full of their very own brand of quirky lovability.
Accordingly, I’m also contemplating every single thing in my life, including the looming threat on the horizon that is my 50th birthday (which is a little under a year away, oh great). I find myself spending hours upon hours preparing for my small live streams, and I not only find joy in our lovely community itself, but also in the Zen act of slowly moving around within this ethereal space, making sure that every little thing is working.
I don’t know how many of you have read Don DeLillo, but the thing about his novels, and in particular the men portrayed in them, is that they on a regular basis find themselves alone in small rooms—often isolated, but also performing an ever-so-slow and inner restoration of themselves (not that they always succeed, mind you). My new apartment feels like one of those internal rooms. It’s a soothing space of weightless thinking, a room of meticulously moving furniture around, deciding to try this out, changing my mind, going in another direction, and sometimes stopping to stare at the blue sky just outside of my windows for an eternity.
I’ve similarly begun to imagine the rest of my life. I didn’t expect that a mental breakdown could remove me entirely from my profession as a high school teacher, but here we are, and I’ve finally gotten well enough to begin looking for my next RL work. That prospect is pretty intriguing, to be honest, especially seeing as I might end up going into everything but education this time around. Assuming that AI doesn’t mess it all up, that is, or that my age will turn out to be a restriction in the landscape of employment.
But it’s almost (almost… almost) as if I’m not nervous about that. My Tarnished Journals allowed me to reach people again, just like when I wrote my (horrendously overlooked) novels years ago or when I was a critic back in the day, and the streams now bless me with the company of kind individuals from all over the world. Make no mistake, the streaming affair will never be my main endeavor, simply because I lack the skill and/or mindset required for that sort of insanely difficult pursuit, but I’ll keep doing it because it’s a constant source of soothing joy.
Within the next few weeks, I’ll most likely upload the next experimental formats, and we’ll see how those work out. But regardless: for now, just take care and have a great weekend; may it give you peace and rest.
Painting: MARK ROTHKO > No. 61 (Rust and Blue), 1953.
26 minutes ago | [YT] | 0
View 0 replies
dreadingmortality
Le Stream: If not Thursday then what? 🤔 (Sunday and Tuesday remain where they are)
18 hours ago | [YT] | 3
View 0 replies
dreadingmortality
Alright, people. Regarding the streaming sessions:
As you might have noticed, I am finally feeling well enough to stream on my main channel again. I do so 3 times every week (Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday for the time being), and I’ll keep doing it (Inshallah) until I die or get turned into a vegetable due to age.
But more importantly: While I still experiment with my next projects, I’ve realized why I enjoy streaming, and it’s not related to the flexing that Souls games seem to encourage, but rather the joy that I feel in the co-creation of a chill space with other grown-up nerds. I mean, sure - the addiction to the FromSoft needle is what initially sparked this part of the journey, but I’ve realized that I’m sort of in the process of creating a channel that I would have liked to hang out in myself: A soothing place without bickering, screaming, and the foul language often worshipped on Twitch, while still maintaining the spectrum-fueled love for gaming and strange runs. I get to show paintings I love, recommend movies I adore, and digress with kind people from all over the world.
THAT is addictive!
2 days ago | [YT] | 15
View 0 replies
dreadingmortality
Alright, friends. Please help me out: I yearn for the mines of despair (e.g., a good horror game) and want to do a scary-ass Sunday stream. Some context: I’ve played Alien: Isolation (which was nasty) and was introduced to Silent Hill 2 some time ago (and was BLOWN away; it was such an insane journey for me). I afterwards tried out Resident Evil 4 and was saddened by the lack of real psychological ick. Anything that comes to mind? Have an excellent weekend! I myself am heading out for my monthly visit with my two eldest grown-up children. We’re going to watch bad American eighties movies 🍿
1 week ago (edited) | [YT] | 18
View 12 replies
dreadingmortality
I’m currently in the process of coming off the medication I was prescribed for the severe depression that took hold of me some time ago. In other words: life is strange right now and one big ol’ sine wave. I’m feeling more confident about the channel’s longevity, though, especially because I’ve decided to experiment far more freely with different formats. Mistakes are being made (and are necessary), but thankfully I seem to understand what is working. I want to say thanks to all of you kind individuals out there for being part of this strange ride. As I said back when I finished the Tarnished series, there will be a time full of silliness, seriousness, and playful whatever vibes—and I need those in order to find the next pillars. The next video (my experimental ode to Rear Window) will most likely be out tomorrow, and the next stream (The Dark Pictures: Man of Medan) is Sunday at noon, NY time. Ta ta.
1 week ago | [YT] | 36
View 2 replies
dreadingmortality
Hello dear people!
So, yesterday I actually finished a RL1 ER run. Yes, I feel pretty manly now. My next scheduled stream is Sunday; anything before that will be a random surprise solely on Twitch.
I'm currently working on two experiments:
1) A green screen ode to one of my favorite movies (will be ready next week).
2) A reading of the first couple of minutes of my third novel.
I still think I'm on the right track regarding game runs, but I believe I need to cut about 20-30% next time (e.g., that Until Dawn edit).
That's it for now. Take care and have a delightful weekend <3
2 weeks ago (edited) | [YT] | 17
View 2 replies
dreadingmortality
Alright, everyone. I’ve just uploaded something VERY different: an edited playthrough of Until Dawn. Long story short: I think I might be on to something here. For those of you who watch: What’s working and what’s not? 🤔 I don’t usually ask for feedback, but this format feels ripe with potential. Either way, take care! Next week will be something else entirely—something not related to a game. Gasp!
2 weeks ago | [YT] | 12
View 0 replies
dreadingmortality
I had my middle son visiting this weekend, and look how insane we managed them cables on my editing station 😭 Also: I'm so happy I decided to say to heck with expectations and stream on the main YT-channel again. I'll stream here (and on Twitch simultaneously) every Monday and Thursday with whatever main thing I'm gonna try out. Tomorrow it's going to be Until Dawn from my couch and afterwards (whenever it's done) Cyberpunk. Not sure how that will go, since I've never been anywhere close to them before. I'll keep doing my no lifing RL1 run with unscheduled streams on Twitch only (later today for example). That's it, have a beautiful Sunday people ❤️
2 weeks ago | [YT] | 29
View 1 reply
dreadingmortality
Hello there all of you lovely people! As some of you have noticed, I've just uploaded an edited run (my first Deathless ever and my first edited game video in quite a while). A couple of things: Man, that video was fun to make—but to be frank, I expect quite a few people to leave because of that. Still, that is perfectly fine, because I truly have entered a more experimental phase, where I'm going to do different things. My BB series is teasing me, my other project has nasty technical obstacles and a bunch of other things. In other words: Those who strictly want narratives within video games without curious edited runs, poetry readings, streams and whatever else I feel like doing, will have to seek homogeneity elsewhere, because I do prefer losing whatever I've achieved instead of being typecast and die of boredom. That's it, that's all I've got :D Hope you have a lovely weekend, everyone, and take care <3
2 weeks ago (edited) | [YT] | 26
View 0 replies
dreadingmortality
Alright, housekeeping:
1. I'm having second thoughts about my Bloodborne series. I'm not ready to call it either way yet, but there—I said it.
2. I'm going to upload an experimental pilot episode of another thing altogether in a couple of days. Not sure about that either, but if it works out, I would be inclined to go down that path—regardless of the implications.
3. I think I'm finally ready to resume streaming on my main YT channel. Two things held me back: first of all, my basic lack of skills (e.g., talking while gaming, etc.) and my schedule. But seeing as I’ve (sort of) gained the basic skillset and have decided to restrict my streaming to twice per week, I'll see how it works on the main channel for now. Mostly because I want my main channel to be, truly, a main channel—e.g., the place where I live.
Disclaimer: When the addiction gets me and I do even more wannabe try-hard runs, they'll be exclusively on my live archive YT and Twitch.
That's it, peace.
3 weeks ago | [YT] | 20
View 6 replies
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