the Journey Home

What it feels like when you finally tap into the repressed anger! I'm having a profound shift of perspective happening. Right after I hit my edge of what I could handle with the illness in this body, I prayed for some help, something that could help me get to the core of why this body is still so sick.

A few days later, I got an email about a small group mentoring with Scott Kiloby to learn his KI tools for unhooking our programming that keeps us from abiding in our true nature. My whole being lit up when this email came. He started teaching in non-duality many years back then realized there was a hell a lot of bypassing going on in himself and everyone in the non-dual world. He dealt with intense chronic pain that made him want to kill himself, and he endeavored to figure out why he was still suffering so badly even after his awakening into true nature. He and his friend ended up developing these tools to free themselves and they worked, so they created the Kiloby Inquiry set of tools and are helping a ton of people with them.

I had done some sessions this year with a friend Amaya who was trained by him and she helped me tap into repressed anger and it was very powerful but I didn't have the tools or energy to keep working with it by myself. Anyways, so I signed up for his small group and now am diving into the course/teachings. It's really opening my eyes to how much unconscious programming is still running the show in my life and why I am where I am, I'm watching myself in a new way and feel excited to be able to have the tools to see and then meet the buried stories and feelings, rather than keep running from the discomfort, procrastination, self-sabotage and just getting consumed by the despair. These tools are exactly what I was praying for and need right now to heal this body and mind.

For example, it's become very clear that extreme fatigue is directly linked with a very layered story of "being a failure" and "not enough". This is the primary deficiency story that is keeping the ego alive, so in other words I (or the false I) has to stay sick in order to stay safe and separate. This is a huge seeing but without these tools I'm going to learn, I'd just be sitting around waiting for this story to be dismantled by resting in the Being and allowing what is to arise.

It's been helpful to build a strong foundation in the Being and this anchor will carry me through the rest of the dismantling, but just this approach isn't cutting it anymore, and here's why.

What the familiar and safe emotion has been is sadness, grief, despair, like a feeling of what's the point, just wanting to give up and lord knows I'm now an expert at feeling those feelings. But one of Scott's big discoveries is that we all have a primary deeply repressed emotion that is under our safe emotion, for many of us it's anger, which is mine for sure. And the ego/mind body will do everything to avoid that emotion.

And so as I am doing this practice of associating the deficiency story with the fatigue, and then pushing through the sadness and despair that wants to shut my system down and just giving up, I'm rerouting it into speaking "I'm angry", this speaking of it over and over (they call it Rapid Fire) allows it to come forth in expression. It's bringing a sense of empowerment rather than defeat and it is shifting the energy! I've never let myself fully go into the anger at my parents. It wasn't allowed in my family and my dad was a huge anger repressor, so it makes sense why I would repress it. I'm angry about a lot, not just them and it feels great to admit it and feel it. This is now my daily practice.

I envision myself right now as Kali Ma or some other fierce goddess sitting engulfed in flames. I am ready to burn in this anger and just let it rip and step into my power rather than feeling powerless. These tools are going to help me do this!

Anyways I'm still working with the fear of failing even this but I wanted to share and put some words to what I've been discovering. A way out of this unbearable tired old suffering story!!

With Love to all,
Hamsa

2 years ago | [YT] | 1

the Journey Home

My tent survived quite the storm a couple nights ago. It sounded like a bathtub opened in the sky, I was praying for protection to not be washed or blown away. Glad I got the extra big stakes for my tent, phew!

In other news, the masses of RVs have descended upon Quartzite. Some run their generators all day. If there is something I despise in this world it is generators. One or two hours is fine but all day! Come on people.

Between that, the road noise, and my new close neighbors, I decided to search for a quieter place to call home. I'm sad to leave my mountain view and gorgeous spot, but Ma will show me the way to something just as magical, she always does.

I am relishing this simple life and feeling more nourished in mind body spirit than I ever have. So grateful Purium found me. Sending Love to all.

#moldsabbatical #inwardjourney #regenerativehealth

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3 years ago | [YT] | 3