NothingbutSoulMates / deactivated

DISCLAIMER: mentions of emotional trauma, ptsd, grief, jonghyun

hey guys…it’s been a while…a long while. idk why I’m psoting this, mahybe i’ll delete it later, but i needed to vent/write out my thoughts. this may not make any sense at the end, but it’s going to help me in the long run.

it’s been nearly two years since we lost jjong and intially, I was kinda okay with the idea of him being gone, gone. but the more i thought about it and realized that hey “someone i’ve loved, admired and cherished” is gone….idk…i kinda drifted from the fandom and SHINee in general.

a year after his death, I kept up with what they were doing, was active here and on my YT, but throughout it all…i felt a disconnect and for the longest i couldn’t understand it. while watching them, old videos and new videos, it always felt like something was missing.

like….they were strangers. even now amidst taemin’s japan comeback and the others in the military…they feel so…distant to me. i talked to my mom about it and she calmly told me it was because of the trauma of losing someone so suddenly like that and immediately distancing myself from them as a coping mechanism.

“i can’t get hurt if i don’t know them.”

it was bad in the beginning, i was hesitant in opening facebook because i dreaded seeing another article like that one pop up. even now whenever i’m on social media and i see an idol’s name trending…i panic and think the worst.

sometimes i think that i’ve accepted his death and i even think maybe i’m being overdramatic or a bit silly to still be…emotionally affected this way…but idk…idk what i’m saying anymore

I just hope that one day I’ll be able to come to terms with everything and look at SHINee the way i did before everything happened
-cross posted from my tumblr/ brittany
(you're not alone even if it feels that way)

6 years ago | [YT] | 227

NothingbutSoulMates / deactivated

Happy eleven years my fellow shawols and SHINee!!!!! Bringing this interview back because this was one of the happiest days of my life.

6 years ago | [YT] | 71

NothingbutSoulMates / deactivated

Thank you for the support and see you soon!
https://youtu.be/Yx6_nTMaTMM

6 years ago | [YT] | 40

NothingbutSoulMates / deactivated

Should I upload a video on their anniversary despite being deactivated? I received a gift in the mail and would like to do any unboxing of it for all shawols who may want to celebrate on May 25th. But...I doubt this video will mark my return. Let me know! Thank you!

6 years ago | [YT] | 61

NothingbutSoulMates / deactivated

Soon

6 years ago | [YT] | 321

NothingbutSoulMates / deactivated

🎂❤

6 years ago | [YT] | 232

NothingbutSoulMates / deactivated

Thank you for everything! I love you all so, so much!
"This is not goodbye, but a see you later."

6 years ago | [YT] | 291

NothingbutSoulMates / deactivated

It's already been two years since I made this video and started the Intro series for SHINee. Crazy how time flies 💕 (youtube notified me when I logged in lol)

6 years ago | [YT] | 177

NothingbutSoulMates / deactivated

What should I upload next?

6 years ago | [YT] | 99

NothingbutSoulMates / deactivated

!SHAWOL COMFORT ZONE!
I had to change the date from Monday to Wednesday for personal reasons (the time is still the same)
I'm excited to be doing it again and can't wait to see you there!

6 years ago | [YT] | 413