Not in a "I want to end my lifespan" kind of deal. The other day, I almost got hit by a car that was coming up behind me. I only knew of its existence when I heard a honk coming about a metre away, behind my left shoulder. Thankfully it stopped in time. But had things been slightly different (e.g. the driver being distracted and talking to a passenger, or going maybe 5 km/h faster), I'd probably need serious medical attention or be dead.
Somehow I have been kept alive by God, but for a currently unknown purpose. Not knowing makes me anxious somehow. It's as if I'm just biding my time until suddenly a moment of realization happens.
Sometimes I dig around in the servers I'm in to see what server guilds the people who pay Discord arbitrary amounts of money for arbitrary perks are in
I don't know what is going on in my life. One of my courses makes me feel a bit of a fraud. My hobbies aren't as enjoyable as they used to (but honestly this can just be pinned to having unplayable mahjong games and having no inspiration to actually make fun mashups), and just not knowing what to do in the future. Should I get a masters? Is data science/analytics obsolete with AI? Do I try to ally with a monster I hate deep down for self-preservation or stay true to what I think is right, and basically guarantee irrelevancy in 5-10 years? When is the right time to search for a wife? What the fuck do I eat for lunch? I'm hungry.
Sorry, pardon my language. I probably shouldn't be swearing in such a raw community post, but I'm sort of upset about this part of myself.
At the same time, I hope but also fear that people know that I'm a Christian. I know I'm a bad example, partly because I know every way I fall short first-hand. But I also feel like a bit of a fraud. God seems to be changing the lives of my friends. Me, not so much. I cope that change is gradual and happens over years. I know I am both loved and saved by God. But other than that, things feel desolate.
On top of that, there's people who genuinely look up to me as a leader. Maybe not necessarily in the faith, but I've had to interview people asking how their faith is doing, and if they can explain the gospel to a non-believer. I'm washed to the point that if I were to interview myself, I'd probably make it a goal to try to get myself back on the right track. But I can't spot myself in the metaphorical gym. To the fellow Christians reading this or the people who know me IRL, I'd appreciate some biblical encouragement.
Somehow, a recurring motif in my life is similarities to a prophet in the Bible named Elijah. Multiple times in my elementary to high school years I've been depressed and wanted to take my life - partly due to realizing how messed up and irredeemable the world at large is. Everybody is trying to find ways to exploit each other. People with the money get to play God all the time, screwing over the average person. But for better or for worse, I'm still around.
Probably the most key idea within Elijah's life is the massive victory -> massive slump -> redemption by God. After basically proving that God is real and that Baal (one of the gods of choice by the Israelites at that time) is a fraud, the queen sends him a death threat. He takes it very seriously and goes to a desert, pleading with God to take his life because he feels "no better than [his] ancestors". Then God gives him something to eat, enough to take him to Horeb, the mountain of God. There, God asks Elijah what he's doing here, and he responds that the Israelites have more or less gone to ruin and that he is the only one who actually cares. God says he'll pass by, and despite rock-shattering winds, an earthquake, and a fire coming, God is not there. Instead, He comes in a whisper. And there, He gives Elijah a new mission, but more importantly the reassurance that he is not alone, and that there are seven thousand Israelite prophets just like him.
Wow, some of these events feel familiar, huh?
Right now, I don't think I'll take my life today, tomorrow, or even within the next year. Hopefully I'll live long enough to ascend the mountain of God, to be redeemed, to receive a new purpose.
Halley Lu
I don't know why I'm alive.
Not in a "I want to end my lifespan" kind of deal. The other day, I almost got hit by a car that was coming up behind me. I only knew of its existence when I heard a honk coming about a metre away, behind my left shoulder. Thankfully it stopped in time. But had things been slightly different (e.g. the driver being distracted and talking to a passenger, or going maybe 5 km/h faster), I'd probably need serious medical attention or be dead.
Somehow I have been kept alive by God, but for a currently unknown purpose. Not knowing makes me anxious somehow. It's as if I'm just biding my time until suddenly a moment of realization happens.
2 days ago | [YT] | 3
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Halley Lu
The more aware I am that music nowadays is ear-damaging loud for nearly no good reason, the more I hate that it's a thing
3 weeks ago | [YT] | 1
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Halley Lu
I finished a crazy mashup but I wanna submit it to the summer anni video event, so y'all gotta wait like 4-5 months xdd
unless my plans for something else fall though, I'll release the one I just finished early
1 month ago | [YT] | 6
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Halley Lu
Sleeping At Last might just be my favourite band sound-wise
1 month ago | [YT] | 1
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Halley Lu
TIL a song I am considering doing a mashup for is in 3/4 and it just so happens to work with another song that I just realized was in 3/4
If it sounds bad I'm not uploading it though
2 months ago | [YT] | 2
View 2 replies
Halley Lu
Sometimes I dig around in the servers I'm in to see what server guilds the people who pay Discord arbitrary amounts of money for arbitrary perks are in
3 months ago | [YT] | 3
View 0 replies
Halley Lu
new mashup soontm
3 months ago | [YT] | 1
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Halley Lu
it's toxic oversharing hours with halley
I don't know what is going on in my life. One of my courses makes me feel a bit of a fraud. My hobbies aren't as enjoyable as they used to (but honestly this can just be pinned to having unplayable mahjong games and having no inspiration to actually make fun mashups), and just not knowing what to do in the future. Should I get a masters? Is data science/analytics obsolete with AI? Do I try to ally with a monster I hate deep down for self-preservation or stay true to what I think is right, and basically guarantee irrelevancy in 5-10 years? When is the right time to search for a wife? What the fuck do I eat for lunch? I'm hungry.
Sorry, pardon my language. I probably shouldn't be swearing in such a raw community post, but I'm sort of upset about this part of myself.
At the same time, I hope but also fear that people know that I'm a Christian. I know I'm a bad example, partly because I know every way I fall short first-hand. But I also feel like a bit of a fraud. God seems to be changing the lives of my friends. Me, not so much. I cope that change is gradual and happens over years. I know I am both loved and saved by God. But other than that, things feel desolate.
On top of that, there's people who genuinely look up to me as a leader. Maybe not necessarily in the faith, but I've had to interview people asking how their faith is doing, and if they can explain the gospel to a non-believer. I'm washed to the point that if I were to interview myself, I'd probably make it a goal to try to get myself back on the right track. But I can't spot myself in the metaphorical gym. To the fellow Christians reading this or the people who know me IRL, I'd appreciate some biblical encouragement.
Somehow, a recurring motif in my life is similarities to a prophet in the Bible named Elijah. Multiple times in my elementary to high school years I've been depressed and wanted to take my life - partly due to realizing how messed up and irredeemable the world at large is. Everybody is trying to find ways to exploit each other. People with the money get to play God all the time, screwing over the average person. But for better or for worse, I'm still around.
Probably the most key idea within Elijah's life is the massive victory -> massive slump -> redemption by God. After basically proving that God is real and that Baal (one of the gods of choice by the Israelites at that time) is a fraud, the queen sends him a death threat. He takes it very seriously and goes to a desert, pleading with God to take his life because he feels "no better than [his] ancestors". Then God gives him something to eat, enough to take him to Horeb, the mountain of God. There, God asks Elijah what he's doing here, and he responds that the Israelites have more or less gone to ruin and that he is the only one who actually cares. God says he'll pass by, and despite rock-shattering winds, an earthquake, and a fire coming, God is not there. Instead, He comes in a whisper. And there, He gives Elijah a new mission, but more importantly the reassurance that he is not alone, and that there are seven thousand Israelite prophets just like him.
Wow, some of these events feel familiar, huh?
Right now, I don't think I'll take my life today, tomorrow, or even within the next year. Hopefully I'll live long enough to ascend the mountain of God, to be redeemed, to receive a new purpose.
But I ought to get lunch first.
4 months ago | [YT] | 6
View 1 reply
Halley Lu
happy angelina day
4 months ago | [YT] | 2
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Halley Lu
Man I wish foxgirls were real
That would 100% fix the problem of geese overpopulation
6 months ago | [YT] | 4
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