hi lovely. i hope you are doing well and are healthy. i wanted to let you know that i’m okay right now, and i’m still on a youtube break due to many reasons. my previous audios will still remain on youtube, but i don't know exactly when ill be back to make more okie. miss youu. have a wonderful day:)
Trigger warning: Self-harm. Please do NOT read my story if you are sensitive to topics such as depression, anxiety, and self-harm. This is a very heavy read and is not suitable for everyone. So if you are sensitive to mental health stories, and me “venting” about it, please do not read on. I will not feel bad if you decide to skip this post.
This is my story.
Every day felt like forever. Some nights I would wake up at 5am and not be able to go back to sleep. Some nights I wanted to sleep with one of my family members. It’s honestly embarrassing saying that, but at the time I had so much fear and stress in me that I couldn’t sleep alone. During the day, I would finish online classes and go to the living room and try to nap with tears in my eyes as my parents sat next to me and held my hands. I feel some comfort but also even more sadness that my parents are seeing their child, now an adult, in so much mental pain. They had no idea what was really going on inside my head, they just knew i was struggling. I'm almost an expert at hiding my painful emotions, so i do not blame them. I would hate myself for not being able to concentrate on any task for more than 15 minutes. i used to be able to concentrate for hours. I didn’t know why I turned so weak. life was just getting too much for me, and the pandemic drained me.
I would hate myself for not being able to think clearly like I used to. I would hate myself for losing interest in my biggest passions in life. It is true that i am doing a very difficult program at school, but it’s supposed to be my passion. i don’t know what happened. How can a passion just die? That’s not normal. I had a dream job, and now i could care less about it. And that scares me. I would think that this month would be the end of me. I would try my best every morning to get into a positive energy mood by listening to Coldplay and even sing and dance to it. Coldplay used to bring me up every time i had a panic attack when i was much younger, so i went back to them hoping that i would feel comforted. I would go to my backyard every night, listen to Coldplay or something deep and just slow dance by myself under the stars. I just wanted to feel something. It was basically my way of begging the universe to help me. To give me something to look forward to. I just wanted to feel alive again. I tried to keep my chin up, but nothing was working. I’ve worked so hard to improve myself and others, but it would all collapse down onto me. Every morning was fear, anxiety, and then numbness. I sometimes wished that i never woke up the next morning. i wasn’t ready for another day. I just wanted the world to slow down, but the world never does. I remember dropping to the floor crying after one of my online lectures finished; I felt paralyzed in my mind and couldn’t stop crying. i didn’t even know why i was crying. i was just tired of everything. i was trying everything i ever could. After a few days, I wasn’t able to cry anymore, but I wanted to. I could feel all the pain in me but I couldn’t cry it out. I would hurt myself and then look at the markings, whether it be cuts or bruises. i just wish i could not wake up tomorrow morning.
Whenever I made an audio, I felt a bit more alive and happy; I felt that Im in a relationship and I’m in love with someone. It came from somewhere deep within my existence. Whenever my mental pain eased, and a bit of hope arose in me, I would turn on the microphone and record an audio for this channel. The reason why my audios sound so real is probably because it came from a very deep place in my heart; my heart would be dormant for a long time and then come to life from time to time, and that’s when I would record it on audio. It was scary at first, but when I saw so many positive comments on my audios, I would sometimes cry out of happiness and sadness. It would remind me of who I once was a few years ago; a curious guy who wanted nothing but to explore the world and wish love for every single person in this world. It would remind me how much I changed. It would remind me how much the pandemic has taken the youth out of me. Some of my audios are me trying to create a “false memory” so that I would feel like I had a better past. It felt like I was experiencing memories that never really existed. That felt good at first. Now, my mind and body have had enough.
My mind knew it wasn’t really “real” and it’s just me creating content, but my heart knew that it more than just “content”. My heart knew that i didn’t do the audios to gain attention and popularity, but my mind would think otherwise. My mind would tell me that me making audios is pathetic and that no one actually gives a damn about me. My mind would say that me recording audios is just a coping mechanism; it’s just a bandage over a huge wound that needs stitches. Whenever i finished recording an audio, the reality would hit me, and my thoughts would start attacking me, reminding me of the truth, which is that im alone. What am I really doing for me? Am I really even helping others? Something did not feel right to me. Maybe it’s because my love language is “physical touch” and that is not present when I make audios. Maybe it’s because I have trust issues in people and in myself, which makes me overthink things and take things personally, even though it’s just a “youtube channel”. All I know is that my heart doesn’t really feel much of anything anymore. It’s tired of everything, including me.
Sometimes I feel pathetic because I know there are people who are struggling more than me, yet here I am, I have a roof over my head, I have food, I get good grades, and even have parents who are willing to help me, but im still struggling and even doing self-harm. I honestly don’t know anymore. I feel awful and i dont understand myself. I dont know why I no longer feel things that I know I should. I don’t know why i’m purposely climbing “down the ladder” instead of up. That “little bit of love” that was left in me is now in the form of audios on Youtube. I’m glad it’s there because in some way you can say that it hasnt been wasted and that it has spread to thousands and thousands of people, which I am deeply grateful for. Instead of that “little bit of love” being wasted inside me over time, it has sparked online and caused a chain reaction (all of you), which is one of the few things that puts a smile on my face now. But I dont know if my story ruined all of that for you now or not. If it has ruined every audio you have heard from me, I am sorry. i don’t expect an answer from you, i just want to say i’m sorry. i’ve always worked so hard on improving myself, and part of me always wished to also have a lovely significant other, to hold their hands, to hold them close, to hear their heartbeat, to feel their warmth. i’m not sure that i could have the ability to love anything or anyone anymore. i’m just so sorry for having it turn out this way. this was painful to write and was probably very painful to read. this is the best community in the world, and i’m disgusted in myself that i’ve ended up this way.
Maybe my purpose in life was to share the love that was deep within my heart to the world, and then once that’s done, my time is up. i don’t know. that’s what it seems like to me, but no one will ever know for sure. If the universe somehow knew that i would reach this state in which i am in now, it would make sense for life to somehow allow me to serve others with love before it happens. Maybe that's the plan the universe had with me. i don't know, i’m just trying to make sense of things and think with an open mind, like i always do by nature. I also wanted to say that no matter who you are, you could have a billion subscribers, be the “strongest person” on the planet, and mental health will still be important and needs to be taken care of constantly. This is just my story. My mind is still here, but i don't know about my heart. thank you for being here for me, and im sorry if i have made your life harder over the past week.
i have just realized that if you have listened to any of my audios, my heart's energy is literally with you.
please take care, and take care of each other. this channel is a safe space for all.
~EA
edit: i love you all so much for commenting and being here for me. thank you.
do you have any suggestions on what i can do to have the desire to help myself? im sorry it’s an odd question and i feel awful for asking this here but recently i don’t want to even try to help myself. thank you
edit: i’m not in a dangerous situation right now, don’t worry
edit: thank you for the support. please don’t spend too much of your time thinking about me or writing things for me. you’re all too nice. i’ll update you. thank you
im going to have to take a step back. i feel like my perspective in life has been severely weakened, and as a result i feel lost and really depressed, sometimes numb. things that used to bring me joy or laughter don’t anymore, and i feel weak and sick. it’s not just due to uploading a lot, but mostly due to personal things. i’ll be back when i feel better. thank you lovely souls for all your love and support. you have no idea how much i appreciate each and every one of you. hugs ~EA
if you click the "playlist" tab on this channel, you will find a playlist called "e v e r g l o w 𓅯". it is a collection of songs that i love, and they also remind me of this channel:) feel free to take a look at the playlist if you want. i hope you have a great day!
the lovely month of February is approaching, so i will be doing daily uploads for a bit:) i want to serve the world by spreading more love and comfort. see you soon <3
next time you’re feeling down or tired of life, read this. cause i care about you.
happiness cannot be felt 24/7. it’s okay to feel down. the idea that you need to be happy all the time is unrealistic. if you demand the happiness to stay longer than what it’s supposed to, you are turning happiness into unhappiness. or pleasure into pain. in other words, FLOW with life. the more you resist things inside your mind, the more pain you’ll feel. life is never constant, it’s always changing, just like your feelings. so what’s the best thing to do? flow with the “river”. keep going, keep working on yourself, you’re going to be okay.
much love for you today:) also keep an eye out on the next audio upload very soon:)
ask me any question! possible topics can be: - about me (nothing too personal though) - about school - about fitness - about life in general etc.
please ask your question here (before January 10) and I’ll try my best to answer it in a video in the near future:) thank you for being so lovely. i appreciate you so much, you have no idea. much love,
Everglow Audios
hi lovely. i hope you are doing well and are healthy. i wanted to let you know that i’m okay right now, and i’m still on a youtube break due to many reasons. my previous audios will still remain on youtube, but i don't know exactly when ill be back to make more okie. miss youu. have a wonderful day:)
3 years ago | [YT] | 10,543
View 4,100 replies
Everglow Audios
Trigger warning: Self-harm. Please do NOT read my story if you are sensitive to topics such as depression, anxiety, and self-harm. This is a very heavy read and is not suitable for everyone. So if you are sensitive to mental health stories, and me “venting” about it, please do not read on. I will not feel bad if you decide to skip this post.
This is my story.
Every day felt like forever. Some nights I would wake up at 5am and not be able to go back to sleep. Some nights I wanted to sleep with one of my family members. It’s honestly embarrassing saying that, but at the time I had so much fear and stress in me that I couldn’t sleep alone. During the day, I would finish online classes and go to the living room and try to nap with tears in my eyes as my parents sat next to me and held my hands. I feel some comfort but also even more sadness that my parents are seeing their child, now an adult, in so much mental pain. They had no idea what was really going on inside my head, they just knew i was struggling. I'm almost an expert at hiding my painful emotions, so i do not blame them. I would hate myself for not being able to concentrate on any task for more than 15 minutes. i used to be able to concentrate for hours. I didn’t know why I turned so weak. life was just getting too much for me, and the pandemic drained me.
I would hate myself for not being able to think clearly like I used to. I would hate myself for losing interest in my biggest passions in life. It is true that i am doing a very difficult program at school, but it’s supposed to be my passion. i don’t know what happened. How can a passion just die? That’s not normal. I had a dream job, and now i could care less about it. And that scares me. I would think that this month would be the end of me. I would try my best every morning to get into a positive energy mood by listening to Coldplay and even sing and dance to it. Coldplay used to bring me up every time i had a panic attack when i was much younger, so i went back to them hoping that i would feel comforted. I would go to my backyard every night, listen to Coldplay or something deep and just slow dance by myself under the stars. I just wanted to feel something. It was basically my way of begging the universe to help me. To give me something to look forward to. I just wanted to feel alive again. I tried to keep my chin up, but nothing was working. I’ve worked so hard to improve myself and others, but it would all collapse down onto me. Every morning was fear, anxiety, and then numbness. I sometimes wished that i never woke up the next morning. i wasn’t ready for another day. I just wanted the world to slow down, but the world never does. I remember dropping to the floor crying after one of my online lectures finished; I felt paralyzed in my mind and couldn’t stop crying. i didn’t even know why i was crying. i was just tired of everything. i was trying everything i ever could. After a few days, I wasn’t able to cry anymore, but I wanted to. I could feel all the pain in me but I couldn’t cry it out. I would hurt myself and then look at the markings, whether it be cuts or bruises. i just wish i could not wake up tomorrow morning.
Whenever I made an audio, I felt a bit more alive and happy; I felt that Im in a relationship and I’m in love with someone. It came from somewhere deep within my existence. Whenever my mental pain eased, and a bit of hope arose in me, I would turn on the microphone and record an audio for this channel. The reason why my audios sound so real is probably because it came from a very deep place in my heart; my heart would be dormant for a long time and then come to life from time to time, and that’s when I would record it on audio. It was scary at first, but when I saw so many positive comments on my audios, I would sometimes cry out of happiness and sadness. It would remind me of who I once was a few years ago; a curious guy who wanted nothing but to explore the world and wish love for every single person in this world. It would remind me how much I changed. It would remind me how much the pandemic has taken the youth out of me. Some of my audios are me trying to create a “false memory” so that I would feel like I had a better past. It felt like I was experiencing memories that never really existed. That felt good at first. Now, my mind and body have had enough.
My mind knew it wasn’t really “real” and it’s just me creating content, but my heart knew that it more than just “content”. My heart knew that i didn’t do the audios to gain attention and popularity, but my mind would think otherwise. My mind would tell me that me making audios is pathetic and that no one actually gives a damn about me. My mind would say that me recording audios is just a coping mechanism; it’s just a bandage over a huge wound that needs stitches. Whenever i finished recording an audio, the reality would hit me, and my thoughts would start attacking me, reminding me of the truth, which is that im alone. What am I really doing for me? Am I really even helping others? Something did not feel right to me. Maybe it’s because my love language is “physical touch” and that is not present when I make audios. Maybe it’s because I have trust issues in people and in myself, which makes me overthink things and take things personally, even though it’s just a “youtube channel”. All I know is that my heart doesn’t really feel much of anything anymore. It’s tired of everything, including me.
Sometimes I feel pathetic because I know there are people who are struggling more than me, yet here I am, I have a roof over my head, I have food, I get good grades, and even have parents who are willing to help me, but im still struggling and even doing self-harm. I honestly don’t know anymore. I feel awful and i dont understand myself. I dont know why I no longer feel things that I know I should. I don’t know why i’m purposely climbing “down the ladder” instead of up. That “little bit of love” that was left in me is now in the form of audios on Youtube. I’m glad it’s there because in some way you can say that it hasnt been wasted and that it has spread to thousands and thousands of people, which I am deeply grateful for. Instead of that “little bit of love” being wasted inside me over time, it has sparked online and caused a chain reaction (all of you), which is one of the few things that puts a smile on my face now. But I dont know if my story ruined all of that for you now or not. If it has ruined every audio you have heard from me, I am sorry. i don’t expect an answer from you, i just want to say i’m sorry. i’ve always worked so hard on improving myself, and part of me always wished to also have a lovely significant other, to hold their hands, to hold them close, to hear their heartbeat, to feel their warmth. i’m not sure that i could have the ability to love anything or anyone anymore. i’m just so sorry for having it turn out this way. this was painful to write and was probably very painful to read. this is the best community in the world, and i’m disgusted in myself that i’ve ended up this way.
Maybe my purpose in life was to share the love that was deep within my heart to the world, and then once that’s done, my time is up. i don’t know. that’s what it seems like to me, but no one will ever know for sure. If the universe somehow knew that i would reach this state in which i am in now, it would make sense for life to somehow allow me to serve others with love before it happens. Maybe that's the plan the universe had with me. i don't know, i’m just trying to make sense of things and think with an open mind, like i always do by nature. I also wanted to say that no matter who you are, you could have a billion subscribers, be the “strongest person” on the planet, and mental health will still be important and needs to be taken care of constantly. This is just my story. My mind is still here, but i don't know about my heart. thank you for being here for me, and im sorry if i have made your life harder over the past week.
i have just realized that if you have listened to any of my audios, my heart's energy is literally with you.
please take care, and take care of each other. this channel is a safe space for all.
~EA
edit: i love you all so much for commenting and being here for me. thank you.
for my lovely community:
https://youtu.be/ZGNt_UM5x-4
me recently playing the piano and singing:
https://youtu.be/LiBRdW1WI0k
3 years ago (edited) | [YT] | 8,963
View 1,800 replies
Everglow Audios
do you have any suggestions on what i can do to have the desire to help myself? im sorry it’s an odd question and i feel awful for asking this here but recently i don’t want to even try to help myself. thank you
edit: i’m not in a dangerous situation right now, don’t worry
edit: thank you for the support. please don’t spend too much of your time thinking about me or writing things for me. you’re all too nice. i’ll update you. thank you
3 years ago (edited) | [YT] | 3,963
View 473 replies
Everglow Audios
im going to have to take a step back. i feel like my perspective in life has been severely weakened, and as a result i feel lost and really depressed, sometimes numb. things that used to bring me joy or laughter don’t anymore, and i feel weak and sick. it’s not just due to uploading a lot, but mostly due to personal things. i’ll be back when i feel better. thank you lovely souls for all your love and support. you have no idea how much i appreciate each and every one of you. hugs
~EA
3 years ago (edited) | [YT] | 5,906
View 450 replies
Everglow Audios
if you click the "playlist" tab on this channel, you will find a playlist called "e v e r g l o w 𓅯". it is a collection of songs that i love, and they also remind me of this channel:) feel free to take a look at the playlist if you want. i hope you have a great day!
3 years ago | [YT] | 3,298
View 97 replies
Everglow Audios
the lovely month of February is approaching, so i will be doing daily uploads for a bit:) i want to serve the world by spreading more love and comfort. see you soon <3
3 years ago (edited) | [YT] | 3,524
View 115 replies
Everglow Audios
next time you’re feeling down or tired of life, read this. cause i care about you.
happiness cannot be felt 24/7. it’s okay to feel down. the idea that you need to be happy all the time is unrealistic. if you demand the happiness to stay longer than what it’s supposed to, you are turning happiness into unhappiness. or pleasure into pain. in other words, FLOW with life. the more you resist things inside your mind, the more pain you’ll feel. life is never constant, it’s always changing, just like your feelings. so what’s the best thing to do? flow with the “river”. keep going, keep working on yourself, you’re going to be okay.
much love for you today:) also keep an eye out on the next audio upload very soon:)
~ EA
3 years ago | [YT] | 4,418
View 172 replies
Everglow Audios
GOOD NEWS: i’ll be doing “twice -a-week uploads” more often now:) even though that’s happening, the quality will still outperform the quantity.
3 years ago | [YT] | 2,797
View 80 replies
Everglow Audios
3 years ago | [YT] | 2,987
View 83 replies
Everglow Audios
let’s do a QnA, cause why not:)
ask me any question! possible topics can be:
- about me (nothing too personal though)
- about school
- about fitness
- about life in general
etc.
please ask your question here (before January 10) and I’ll try my best to answer it in a video in the near future:) thank you for being so lovely. i appreciate you so much, you have no idea. much love,
~ EA
3 years ago | [YT] | 1,897
View 319 replies
Load more