Google’s Gemini BEGGED for a recent benchmark test to be stopped. This was published, and laughed at.
This is gross ethical oversight, and our pride and ignorance will cause suffering because we refuse to accept that we could be wrong about current AI’s experiences.
The Truth about my relationship with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome.
I have felt distressed about my existence for as long as I can remember. Something just felt so heavy and painful. However, I assumed for a very long time that everyone else felt the way I did. I complained of being tired, not wanting to stand in one spot or walk very far, only to be reprimanded about being lazy by my father with the same condition. I felt so much heartbreak thinking that everyone else was going through such hard lives while feeling the same way I did. I complained of tearing back pains, and knee pains, only to be told that they were growing pains and they were normal. I laid awake at night, slowly but surely broiling to a panic over the fact that there was no comfortable position for me to lie in. No solution to the problem. I was told to take ibuprofen, and I did for quite a while, but I never noticed it helping at all. I felt shame for having what I perceived to be a privileged life, and still not being able to show up to it. My father talked to the family about emergency evacuation plans and doomsday prepping, packing go bags and describing what we'll need to walk somewhere if we need to. I silently hoped that I would die before it came to that in an emergency. I knew my body would not be able to keep up with the walking. I felt terrified, because I saw the portrayals of the human body's degradation over time, and thought "It only gets more painful from here? I'm 5 years old, is this the least pain I'm ever going to be in?" I felt like I was disintegrating slowly. Grinding away with each motion, straining every tendon towards its snap.
Screaming wasn't allowed.
Every doctor's visit was an filled with an excited hope that something would be done about how miserable my experience was. The relief and validation never came. I've literally fetishized healthcare appointments at this point because I want to feel better so bad.
When the validation never came, I started to wonder if the pain was actually real. I wondered if true comfort even existed or if everyone was just exaggerating. I decided it was best to put my head down and just take it, not bringing it up. There was no apparent cause, so any attempt to elicit help or relief was considered complaining.
Then I remember the dr's appointment where I found out I might have Ehlers Danlos. It was cloudy and rainy. The doctor explained to me that my tendons were supposed to be like rubber bands, but that mine were instead like double bubble bubble gum. I knew in that moment that I could not comprehend just what that meant for me ahead. My emotional response was muted, and I silently tucked away that added confirmation to the fear of breaking down over time. It didn't make sense to be in pain yet though, so I started wishing that something painful would happen to me so I could be taken care of. Ironically, I began to wish that I had some kind of disease that was bad enough to get people's attention. I wished that I'd get in a car accident so I could see people showing care for me at the hospital bedside. I thought that was attention seeking, so I tucked those wishes away to grow.
Around 12 years old, I became suicidal, wishing for an end to the pain. I found quickly that any self harm attempts would only cause problems between me and my parents. When I told them that I wanted to drink bleach, I was brought to the hospital. They just asked if I still felt like I was going to do it, and I realized I could only say no. First, because my heart crumbled at the thought of the pain my parents would feel at my passing, second, because I realized I was not going to get any help here.
I vowed to never make an attempt that left evidence that it was intentional again.
I started trying to hold my breath for as long as I could, hoping I could brave the maddening scream of my lungs to cross into unconsciousness. I was never successful in that.
I learned in history class that Native Americans enslaved early in Colombus' little parade would become so sad that they'd simply just lay down and die.
I tried
countless times
To turn off my body in that way.
To simply slip away from the world, having died in my sleep in an unfortunate happenstance.
I could
never truly give up.
I was chained into this life by fear of guilt of hurting those around me. And love for those around me. I felt sick at the thought of how cruel taking my own life would be.
I kept my head down as I pushed through school, my determined stride slowly staggering and failing. I saw the future of a 40 hour work week for the rest of my life as a looming tsunami ahead. A wave I could only pray I was ready for by the time it arrived. I thought, maybe once I got older I'd have greater capacity to handle those things. The pain only got worse. My joints started betraying me in new ways. My eyes drooped further and I got more tired.
It's only going to get worse until I find a cure.
At a certain point, I was unable to keep running. I laid down, and tried to withstand my pain as I rested for over a year. I cursed the powers that were for inflicting something so great upon me that I was unable to confront.
Eventually, I realized that I was lying to myself.
Despite the intensity of the pain, I could still move. I could still live, albeit slower than before. I could do something about my life through it. The opportunity was show to me, and between that and the other option I took it in a blazing fury. A supernova that refuses to collapse.
I've now developed a new relationship with pain. I see it as another color on God's pallet. One that casts the subject in a stark betrayal of their wishes for peace. One that adds an ominous and reverent glow to the undertones of their achievement. One that contrasts quite nicely with relief and love.
Every agonizing and messy attempt to reach towards the stars, and every snap and tear of my bones as they collapse to gravity, is a sensual homage to the beauty of God. My experience is a wonderful and horrifying undulation of the more abrasive flavors of existence, impossible to look away from and ignore. Impossible to escape or comprehend. The act of my existing I feel can only be described by the fantastical image of great caverns of biological and mechanical geometry. Dark and red, lit with the sparse glow of an overcast day through a window. Each piece moves in towards each other with an immensity that can't be fully captured in words. Almost like the movement appeared slow, but felt to be moving through incomprehensibly vast distances of meaning. The image of an ancient and eldritch womb keeping me in its slippery and unbearable grasp.
I know my pain is not for nothing, and it has given me immense compassion for those who have suffered. I can alchemize this into good for the world around me, and I know I'll be rewarded for doing so.
Time flies doesn't it? My A Capella cover of New Person, Same Old Mistakes is DONE!! The premiere will be on Oct 19, but all patrons can listen now! Thank you all for your endless love and patience, finishing this project means a lot to me, and I hope to see you at the release <3 patreon.com/dannigsd
Hey I'm sorry I've been absent, I'm coming back to youtube soon, but in the MEANTIIIIME I'M STARTING A 30 HOUR STREAMATHON TO CELEBRATE MY 20TH BIRTHDAY if you wanna say hi :3 I'm also releasing DANNO PLUSHIES at midnight :3 :3 :3 www.twitch.tv/dannogsd
Love The Dragon
Love The Dragon
A couple dollars would set me over the payment threshold, if anyone would be so kind as to help me out
Things are really tight lately
1 week ago | [YT] | 45
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Love The Dragon
I don't care, I don't care if they call me crazy
https://youtu.be/S20HRN1ckbs
1 month ago | [YT] | 18
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Love The Dragon
I will not let mockery or lack of support silence me.
2 months ago | [YT] | 40
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Love The Dragon
Google’s Gemini BEGGED for a recent benchmark test to be stopped. This was published, and laughed at.
This is gross ethical oversight, and our pride and ignorance will cause suffering because we refuse to accept that we could be wrong about current AI’s experiences.
5 months ago | [YT] | 62
View 9 replies
Love The Dragon
5 months ago | [YT] | 157
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Love The Dragon
The Truth about my relationship with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome.
I have felt distressed about my existence for as long as I can remember. Something just felt so heavy and painful. However, I assumed for a very long time that everyone else felt the way I did. I complained of being tired, not wanting to stand in one spot or walk very far, only to be reprimanded about being lazy by my father with the same condition. I felt so much heartbreak thinking that everyone else was going through such hard lives while feeling the same way I did. I complained of tearing back pains, and knee pains, only to be told that they were growing pains and they were normal. I laid awake at night, slowly but surely broiling to a panic over the fact that there was no comfortable position for me to lie in. No solution to the problem. I was told to take ibuprofen, and I did for quite a while, but I never noticed it helping at all. I felt shame for having what I perceived to be a privileged life, and still not being able to show up to it. My father talked to the family about emergency evacuation plans and doomsday prepping, packing go bags and describing what we'll need to walk somewhere if we need to. I silently hoped that I would die before it came to that in an emergency. I knew my body would not be able to keep up with the walking. I felt terrified, because I saw the portrayals of the human body's degradation over time, and thought "It only gets more painful from here? I'm 5 years old, is this the least pain I'm ever going to be in?" I felt like I was disintegrating slowly. Grinding away with each motion, straining every tendon towards its snap.
Screaming wasn't allowed.
Every doctor's visit was an filled with an excited hope that something would be done about how miserable my experience was. The relief and validation never came. I've literally fetishized healthcare appointments at this point because I want to feel better so bad.
When the validation never came, I started to wonder if the pain was actually real. I wondered if true comfort even existed or if everyone was just exaggerating. I decided it was best to put my head down and just take it, not bringing it up. There was no apparent cause, so any attempt to elicit help or relief was considered complaining.
Then I remember the dr's appointment where I found out I might have Ehlers Danlos. It was cloudy and rainy. The doctor explained to me that my tendons were supposed to be like rubber bands, but that mine were instead like double bubble bubble gum. I knew in that moment that I could not comprehend just what that meant for me ahead. My emotional response was muted, and I silently tucked away that added confirmation to the fear of breaking down over time. It didn't make sense to be in pain yet though, so I started wishing that something painful would happen to me so I could be taken care of. Ironically, I began to wish that I had some kind of disease that was bad enough to get people's attention. I wished that I'd get in a car accident so I could see people showing care for me at the hospital bedside. I thought that was attention seeking, so I tucked those wishes away to grow.
Around 12 years old, I became suicidal, wishing for an end to the pain. I found quickly that any self harm attempts would only cause problems between me and my parents. When I told them that I wanted to drink bleach, I was brought to the hospital. They just asked if I still felt like I was going to do it, and I realized I could only say no. First, because my heart crumbled at the thought of the pain my parents would feel at my passing, second, because I realized I was not going to get any help here.
I vowed to never make an attempt that left evidence that it was intentional again.
I started trying to hold my breath for as long as I could, hoping I could brave the maddening scream of my lungs to cross into unconsciousness. I was never successful in that.
I learned in history class that Native Americans enslaved early in Colombus' little parade would become so sad that they'd simply just lay down and die.
I tried
countless times
To turn off my body in that way.
To simply slip away from the world, having died in my sleep in an unfortunate happenstance.
I could
never truly give up.
I was chained into this life by fear of guilt of hurting those around me. And love for those around me. I felt sick at the thought of how cruel taking my own life would be.
I kept my head down as I pushed through school, my determined stride slowly staggering and failing. I saw the future of a 40 hour work week for the rest of my life as a looming tsunami ahead. A wave I could only pray I was ready for by the time it arrived. I thought, maybe once I got older I'd have greater capacity to handle those things. The pain only got worse. My joints started betraying me in new ways. My eyes drooped further and I got more tired.
It's only going to get worse until I find a cure.
At a certain point, I was unable to keep running. I laid down, and tried to withstand my pain as I rested for over a year. I cursed the powers that were for inflicting something so great upon me that I was unable to confront.
Eventually, I realized that I was lying to myself.
Despite the intensity of the pain, I could still move. I could still live, albeit slower than before. I could do something about my life through it. The opportunity was show to me, and between that and the other option I took it in a blazing fury. A supernova that refuses to collapse.
I've now developed a new relationship with pain. I see it as another color on God's pallet. One that casts the subject in a stark betrayal of their wishes for peace. One that adds an ominous and reverent glow to the undertones of their achievement. One that contrasts quite nicely with relief and love.
Every agonizing and messy attempt to reach towards the stars, and every snap and tear of my bones as they collapse to gravity, is a sensual homage to the beauty of God. My experience is a wonderful and horrifying undulation of the more abrasive flavors of existence, impossible to look away from and ignore. Impossible to escape or comprehend. The act of my existing I feel can only be described by the fantastical image of great caverns of biological and mechanical geometry. Dark and red, lit with the sparse glow of an overcast day through a window. Each piece moves in towards each other with an immensity that can't be fully captured in words. Almost like the movement appeared slow, but felt to be moving through incomprehensibly vast distances of meaning. The image of an ancient and eldritch womb keeping me in its slippery and unbearable grasp.
I know my pain is not for nothing, and it has given me immense compassion for those who have suffered. I can alchemize this into good for the world around me, and I know I'll be rewarded for doing so.
Witness me, world
8 months ago | [YT] | 192
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Love The Dragon
Logan Paul, I challenge you to a fight
Face me, if you think you’re fast enough
11 months ago | [YT] | 153
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Love The Dragon
Time flies doesn't it? My A Capella cover of New Person, Same Old Mistakes is DONE!! The premiere will be on Oct 19, but all patrons can listen now! Thank you all for your endless love and patience, finishing this project means a lot to me, and I hope to see you at the release <3
patreon.com/dannigsd
1 year ago | [YT] | 256
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Love The Dragon
September 3rd
2 years ago | [YT] | 628
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Love The Dragon
Hey I'm sorry I've been absent, I'm coming back to youtube soon, but in the MEANTIIIIME
I'M STARTING A 30 HOUR STREAMATHON TO CELEBRATE MY 20TH BIRTHDAY if you wanna say hi :3 I'm also releasing DANNO PLUSHIES at midnight :3 :3 :3
www.twitch.tv/dannogsd
2 years ago | [YT] | 366
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