Unfilteredd: Narcissistic Abuse

The hard part about narcissistic abuse is that it's so covert, subtle, and confusing that you don't clock what's going on until you're neck-deep in it.

3 weeks ago | [YT] | 56

Unfilteredd: Narcissistic Abuse

Hi, it's Juliana!

If you have to communicate with a narcissist, here's some advice:

Stop swimming against the current.

If you've ever been to the beach, you've probably heard of a riptide before.

It's a narrow channel of water that pulls you away from shore.

When you get caught in one...

Your first instinct is to swim against the current back to shore.

But the current is much stronger than you are.

So you end up getting exhausted and drowning.

Your second instinct might be to swim with the current.

But there's no telling how far it will take you or what's waiting for you out there.

So the best thing to do is to swim parallel to the shore to get out of the current.

Then swim at an angle back to safety.

Communicating with a narcissist works the exact same way.

The narcissist is the ocean.

The dysfunction is the current.

And you're right here in the middle of it.

(Image Below)

Swimming against the current means trying to justify, argue, defend, and explain.

It’s exhausting — and you'll end up quote-unquote “drowning” in the dysfunction.

Swimming with the current means giving in to the dysfunction.

But you don’t want to do this because you don’t know how far out it will take you.

Swimming parallel to the shore means controlling how you respond to the dysfunction.

The most effective response I’ve ever seen work is the BIFF method.

The "B" stands for Brief — keep your responses short.

The "I" stands for Informative — stick to what's relevant.

The first "F" stands for Friendly — be respectful.

And the second "F" stands for Firm — be assertive.

For example, let's say they start talking about politics.

They say something you disagree with.

And you can feel yourself start to get worked up.

Don’t argue with them — that would be swimming against the current.

Don't agree with them, that would be swimming with the current.

You want to be brief, informative, friendly, and firm to get out of the current like this:

"It's a crazy world. Oh and before I forget, did your car stop making that noise? Mine has been rattling and I can't figure out what it is."

Now, before you decide how you feel about this approach…

There are two things I need to tell you.

The first is: I know this might feel like you’re letting them walk all over you.

But narcissists feed on reactions.

It’s a lot like the way fire feeds on oxygen—it can't survive without it.

When you justify, argue, defend, or explain, you're giving them the oxygen they need.

But when you keep it brief, informative, friendly, and firm...

You're cutting that oxygen off.

The second is: you can’t just keep swimming parallel to shore.

At some point you need to swim back at an angle...

Or you’ll get caught in another riptide.

This is where exit plans come in.

Let’s go back to that example I just gave you.

The narcissist started talking about politics.

They said something you don’t agree with, and you started getting upset.

Your BIFF response was “It's a crazy world.”

You can’t just say this, because narcissists aren’t going to let it go.

Your reactions are their oxygen.

So they're going to push all the buttons they can think of to get you to react.

That’s why you always need an exit plan.

This plan can be physical — or it can be changing the subject.

For example, one woman in our community likes to buy small gifts for her parents and leave them in her car.

So when things start heating up, she can say something like:

“Yeah, it’s a crazy world.

Oh mom, I just realized I forgot to bring your gift in — I’m going to grab it.”

This gives her the time and space she needs to reset.

But if for some reason a physical exit isn’t an option...

She always comes prepared with a list of topics she can change the subject to like:

"Did your car stop making that noise?”

This is actually one of hers.

Her dad’s car has a noise that he refuses to get looked at...

But loves to talk about, so it’s a great topic to change the subject to.

Of course, the exit you will use will depend a lot on the situation you’re in.

But they’re important to have because eventually you have to swim back to shore.

I hope this helps.

All the best,

Juliana

4 weeks ago | [YT] | 8

Unfilteredd: Narcissistic Abuse

It’s called an internal sense of safety: feeling okay even when things feel uncertain, because you trust your ability to navigate life’s challenges safely.

4 weeks ago | [YT] | 34

Unfilteredd: Narcissistic Abuse

But then again, they'll use just about anything against you.

4 weeks ago | [YT] | 63

Unfilteredd: Narcissistic Abuse

Some people don’t want resolution.
They want control.

1 month ago | [YT] | 41

Unfilteredd: Narcissistic Abuse

Words mean very little when behavior stays the same.

1 month ago | [YT] | 36

Unfilteredd: Narcissistic Abuse

The most important thing in a narcissist’s life is their self-image.

1 month ago | [YT] | 42

Unfilteredd: Narcissistic Abuse

Here’s a tip: you can remind yourself of this by keeping sticky notes in the kitchen, living room, bathroom—anywhere you spend time time. It doesn't make things less painful, but it does help you fight the urge to put yourself in harm's way just to feel connected.

1 month ago | [YT] | 20

Unfilteredd: Narcissistic Abuse

You're not going to get the accountability you deserve because a narcissist's entire way of thinking is built around avoiding responsibility.

1 month ago | [YT] | 45

Unfilteredd: Narcissistic Abuse

When it comes to narcissistic abuse, knowledge isn’t enough; you can know every move they’ll make, but if you’re still emotionally attached, it will hurt just as much.

1 month ago | [YT] | 14