so yesterday everything fell through. I’m gonna talk abt what’s going on bc i could use any guidance or advice rn. my roommate hasnt paid rent in 5 months and basically emotionally abuses me. since we’re on a joint lease im legally responsible even tho i pay my rent every month. the stress got so bad i stopped eating which led me to my recent hospital visit. my new place fell through bc my current building management wont let me leave. i cant stay at that apartment in fear of my health. im trying to get a lawyer but i can’t even afford that. i tried calling legal guidance hotlines too. anyone go thru anything similar and has any advice?
im just so stressed and sad rn. i don’t even know how i’ll get thru this.
im moving to my new place soon and i’m kinda stressed about that. january i plan to be posting a lot of videos and start streaming!!!!!!!!! i have a lot of healing i need to do tbh. im moving bc i’m leaving a toxic housing situation that’s still unresolved but im hopeful it’ll get better.
i also had this realization that omg i’m not on any opioids anymore, i don’t have a tumor, and im not in pain anymore. i realized a lot of my pain was directly from the opioids- withdrawal, imaginary pain etc.. so now im left with everything that just happened for the past 3 years and i don’t know how to cope. i’m deeply depressed rn and i dont know how to get out of it. i wanna try hard for u guys and for everyone that cares abt me, but lately i find it so difficult to even wake up. im going to talk more about this in a video but rn im trying to cope however i can.
once again i wanna thank everyone for sticking around and supporting me. i hope everyone had a good holiday this year and if not there’s always next year !!
it’s been awhile but i am okay(ish). when i was in the hospital for my bowel obstruction, my housing situation became an emergency. i don’t want to say too many details but some you may have known that my housing situation is very bad. i got out of the hospital and had anxiety attacks everyday to the point where I couldnt even get out of bed. My brother was so kind and let me stay with him. That’s where i am now and have been recovering both mentally and physically.
Today i toured an apartment tht i really really want. The next few weeks are going to be so stressful for me. If everything works out, i can move jan 1.
but good news… im completely off of all opioid medication :) it’s really weird experiencing life off of them after it’s been 3 years. for some reason i started to have a fire in me that wants to live and be happy.
After I move, i plan on posting all the vids i’ve been wanting to plus start streaming. this thought of being in a safe home and doing something i love is motivating me more than anything.
so guys, thank u all for watching my vids, supporting me, and caring about me. my life changed when i started posting youtube vids, i grew so much. i appreciate you all ❤️
so while i was going thru the hydromorphone withdrawals on the 3-4th day i started non stop throwing up. i couldnt keep any liquids down so i went to the hospital. they told me i had a rare bowel obstruction and if i didnt go in it couldve gotten rly bad. ive been in the hospital for a few days and theyre keeping me here until i can eat solid food. i got an NG tube and that was so painful. i’m glad i didnt die and i’m now over the withdrawals too.
I want to thank everyone in my discord server for keeping me company and helping me thru this. i appreciate u guys so much. i’m gonna make a story time abt what had just happened to me.
My gf and I broke up yesterday. it was a very difficult thing but we were just not compatible. I wont be talking more about this but i just wanted to let you guys know.
my living situation is very toxic right now but it got slightly better. I decided to move to a different apartment that’s the same rent cost as my current one. I can’t afford to live in a studio but that’s my dream one day. I’m hoping to move in to my new place Jan 1. I havent found a place or roommates yet but this month I’ll be working on that.
I’m starting my hydromorphone taper next week and I hope to be off it by dec 8! Im giving myself this week to post some videos. the worst has passed already and I’m excited to start a better life in a new apartment.
the month of december will be lots of videos!! i’m finally at a point where I can lock in and post vids more :)
Hi everyone here’s a little update about my life and upcoming videos:
I’m on day 7 of no fentanyl patch! i started to feel a bit better on day 5-6. i watched demon slayer the whole time during the withdrawal and it was the only thing that comforted me. so yesterday i went to the movie theater alone to watch the new demon slayer movie. i really wish i had friends to go out and see it but going to the theaters by myself was healing. i didnt feel embarrassed to cry while watching, it was freeing.
The next challenge is getting off my hydromorphone! i hope to do that quickly but it’ll probably take a few weeks. i filmed a full video documenting my fentanyl withdrawal and i’m editing a related video. I hope to post those videos this week! after i finish these vids i’m going to make a full story of my tumor then after that i’ll make some unrelated story time videos.
the other thing is a vent and something that motivates me to make money: my living situation is very toxic, i dont live with parents but 5 roommates. one roommate i’ve had issues with for awhile and it’s particularly difficult because there’s nothing i can do to stop it. i don’t want to talk about it too much but living in this apartment has now become hell. i have no issues with my other 4 roommates. i can’t film videos because of the noise even tho i tried to work things out. i’m trying to wait till no one is home to film which is rare.
i want to be able to be free from these random living traumas i keep finding myself in. i lost hope of finding a comfortable place with roommates, ive even had to call the police on my past roommate (diff person than the current ones). so all this trauma of living has affected me so badly. i want to heal one day from all this and that motivates me to make money and be successful. i can do it >_<
thank you guys for all your support, one day i’ll be able to find peace. even tho i’m struggling im doing better than before and that’s bc i have all your support. you all changed my life, i started believing in myself again.
(pic is of me going to the demon slayer movie, ive had these clothes for so long and they survived after i sold 80% of my closet during the homeless arc. i love these clothes so muchh)
Hi guys I have a huge update. after seeing my pain doctor and getting a pain point injection procedure, i’ve been told that I can stop taking the fentanyl patch. I’m also going to stop taking the hydromorphone (my breakthrough pain medication) in a few weeks as advised by my doctors.
The fentanyl patch works for 3 days then after that I go through withdrawals. The last time I put on a patch was 6 days ago so I’ve been going through withdrawals. My past psychiatrist told me that my body over reacts to medication so even though i’m on the lowest dose of fentanyl, i’m still experiencing bad withdrawal symptoms.
I’m currently making a video documenting this process of withdrawal. I’ve been struggling a lot the past 3 days and I dont even know how to explain this terrible pain. I’m depressed, in pain, and i cant stop crying. I havent been able to leave my bed but today i had to go pick up my meds, literally had none left. so i picked myself up and forced myself and took a lot of breaks on the way.
Thank you anyone who donated to the gofundme bc im using that money to get thru these withdrawals rn since I cant work. I wouldnt have been able to do this without you guys.
I wanted to give this quick update since a lot is going on with me right now. Thank u everyone for supporting me. (pic is me at my last pain dr appointment)
i can’t believe this. First i find out i dont have a tumor anymore, then a few days later I reach 100k subs. Thank you everyone so much ♡
I’m not sure how i’m going to celebrate. that’s one of my goals for next year, have people around me to celebrate these things with. i’m alone in my room feeling like the world outside is on my phone. i’m not sure how to explain this feeling but it makes me want to leave my room. I haven’t felt this way in over 2 years so I want to thank everyone for making me feel hope, that i can get out of my room, build things in my life. that i can get better.
Thank you everyone for all the support, i appreciate it more than i can explain in words. here’s to more vids :)
hi everyone! i have really great news i want to share with everyone. this is going to be a bit of a long update but if you donated to my gofundme pls read the full thing. I’m also going to be making a video about this as well.
The overall good news is that my MRI came back and I saw my oncologist on Monday.
My tumor is gone. My doctor said he could count on one hand how many times this has happened and that he had to look at my MRI twice. This does not happen and when he told me this I started to cry. There is no trace of my tumor. It’s completely gone.
I’ve attached a picture of my MRI results to prove this cuz I know it’s hard to believe. I didn’t believe it at first when I first saw my MRI results tbh.
Since my tumor essentially just disappeared, I won’t be needing to do chemo. Right now I’m working with my pain specialist doctor to manage my pain and hopefully get off of my pain meds. You might be wondering, if the tumor is gone then why did my pain increase the past two months? I asked the same question to my doctor and he said it’s most likely due to me having this tumor for over two years along with my scoliosis surgery. My personal opinion is that my body became used to the tumor in my neck and in turn my muscles and etc adapted. Now that the tumor is gone, it’s not relying on muscles that were not used before along with nerves no longer being affected by the tumor. I’m not a professional or anything but that’s what i think happened.
What does this mean about the gofundme?
I created the gofundme so that I could afford my living expenses while I go through chemo since I ccouldn’t work during that time. I was certain that since my pain was increasing the most logical thing is that my tumor is growing, that I would need chemo. Previously every time I went to my doctor I would need to do chemo immediately so I was preparing for that. Even my doctor said he was preparing me for treatment until he saw my MRI. I couldn’t have waited until after my MRI since that would risk me not being able to afford to do chemo indefinitely. This is why I made the gofundme in the first place and my thought process behind it.
The money from the gofundme is now going towards purely medical expenses such as PT, acupuncture, rehabilitation while I get off my pain medication, and anything related to my health. I understand that the intent of the gofundme completely changed so please feel free to refund your donation. If you are okay with me using that money towards trying to get off my pain meds and eventually try to be in less pain, then keep the donation. It’s completely up to you guys but I wanted to be as transparent as possible. I obviously won’t use any of the money towards anything trivial and unrelated to my health. I hope that this makes sense but please feel free to refund your donation if you want to.
Overall, this is really good news. I’m now able to get a pain procedure directly on my neck where majority of my pain is. I feel so hopeful that i can now try to live a life free from all this pain, medication, and heal from my trauma. I really want to thank you guys for supporting me while I was going through all this. I appreciate you guys!!!! NO MORE TUMOR !!!!!
(pic is of my mri results and me before my oncologist appointment.)
i filmed and edited a video about being a social shut in living in nyc. i even have a thumbnail ready and everything.
i made this vid last month and have been considering posting it. it’s mainly about my trouble with agoraphobia, physical health/pain, and unfortunate circumstances that keep me in nyc.
the only problem is, i cried a lot in that video. i was super emotional and its a very raw video. im not too sure if i should post it as i don’t want to go into the territory of pitying myself too much. i was wondering everyone’s thoughts on me posting a video like this.
please vote on this poll and if it’s a yes i’ll post the video tmr :)
poca
poca
hi guys- housing update
so yesterday everything fell through. I’m gonna talk abt what’s going on bc i could use any guidance or advice rn. my roommate hasnt paid rent in 5 months and basically emotionally abuses me. since we’re on a joint lease im legally responsible even tho i pay my rent every month. the stress got so bad i stopped eating which led me to my recent hospital visit. my new place fell through bc my current building management wont let me leave. i cant stay at that apartment in fear of my health. im trying to get a lawyer but i can’t even afford that. i tried calling legal guidance hotlines too. anyone go thru anything similar and has any advice?
im just so stressed and sad rn. i don’t even know how i’ll get thru this.
4 days ago (edited) | [YT] | 3,141
View 161 replies
poca
hi guys - another life update
happy holidays everyone !
im moving to my new place soon and i’m kinda stressed about that. january i plan to be posting a lot of videos and start streaming!!!!!!!!! i have a lot of healing i need to do tbh. im moving bc i’m leaving a toxic housing situation that’s still unresolved but im hopeful it’ll get better.
i also had this realization that omg i’m not on any opioids anymore, i don’t have a tumor, and im not in pain anymore. i realized a lot of my pain was directly from the opioids- withdrawal, imaginary pain etc..
so now im left with everything that just happened for the past 3 years and i don’t know how to cope. i’m deeply depressed rn and i dont know how to get out of it. i wanna try hard for u guys and for everyone that cares abt me, but lately i find it so difficult to even wake up. im going to talk more about this in a video but rn im trying to cope however i can.
once again i wanna thank everyone for sticking around and supporting me. i hope everyone had a good holiday this year and if not there’s always next year !!
6 days ago | [YT] | 10,737
View 291 replies
poca
hi guys life update :)
it’s been awhile but i am okay(ish). when i was in the hospital for my bowel obstruction, my housing situation became an emergency. i don’t want to say too many details but some you may have known that my housing situation is very bad. i got out of the hospital and had anxiety attacks everyday to the point where I couldnt even get out of bed. My brother was so kind and let me stay with him. That’s where i am now and have been recovering both mentally and physically.
Today i toured an apartment tht i really really want. The next few weeks are going to be so stressful for me. If everything works out, i can move jan 1.
but good news… im completely off of all opioid medication :)
it’s really weird experiencing life off of them after it’s been 3 years. for some reason i started to have a fire in me that wants to live and be happy.
After I move, i plan on posting all the vids i’ve been wanting to plus start streaming. this thought of being in a safe home and doing something i love is motivating me more than anything.
so guys, thank u all for watching my vids, supporting me, and caring about me. my life changed when i started posting youtube vids, i grew so much. i appreciate you all ❤️
2 weeks ago (edited) | [YT] | 14,754
View 362 replies
poca
hey guys i almost died:
so while i was going thru the hydromorphone withdrawals on the 3-4th day i started non stop throwing up. i couldnt keep any liquids down so i went to the hospital. they told me i had a rare bowel obstruction and if i didnt go in it couldve gotten rly bad. ive been in the hospital for a few days and theyre keeping me here until i can eat solid food. i got an NG tube and that was so painful. i’m glad i didnt die and i’m now over the withdrawals too.
I want to thank everyone in my discord server for keeping me company and helping me thru this. i appreciate u guys so much. i’m gonna make a story time abt what had just happened to me.
see ya !
3 weeks ago | [YT] | 16,686
View 889 replies
poca
another life update- my relationship and moving
My gf and I broke up yesterday. it was a very difficult thing but we were just not compatible. I wont be talking more about this but i just wanted to let you guys know.
my living situation is very toxic right now but it got slightly better. I decided to move to a different apartment that’s the same rent cost as my current one. I can’t afford to live in a studio but that’s my dream one day. I’m hoping to move in to my new place Jan 1. I havent found a place or roommates yet but this month I’ll be working on that.
I’m starting my hydromorphone taper next week and I hope to be off it by dec 8! Im giving myself this week to post some videos. the worst has passed already and I’m excited to start a better life in a new apartment.
the month of december will be lots of videos!! i’m finally at a point where I can lock in and post vids more :)
(pic is of me after filming a video)
1 month ago | [YT] | 6,974
View 143 replies
poca
life update:
Hi everyone here’s a little update about my life and upcoming videos:
I’m on day 7 of no fentanyl patch! i started to feel a bit better on day 5-6. i watched demon slayer the whole time during the withdrawal and it was the only thing that comforted me. so yesterday i went to the movie theater alone to watch the new demon slayer movie. i really wish i had friends to go out and see it but going to the theaters by myself was healing. i didnt feel embarrassed to cry while watching, it was freeing.
The next challenge is getting off my hydromorphone! i hope to do that quickly but it’ll probably take a few weeks. i filmed a full video documenting my fentanyl withdrawal and i’m editing a related video. I hope to post those videos this week! after i finish these vids i’m going to make a full story of my tumor then after that i’ll make some unrelated story time videos.
the other thing is a vent and something that motivates me to make money: my living situation is very toxic, i dont live with parents but 5 roommates. one roommate i’ve had issues with for awhile and it’s particularly difficult because there’s nothing i can do to stop it. i don’t want to talk about it too much but living in this apartment has now become hell. i have no issues with my other 4 roommates. i can’t film videos because of the noise even tho i tried to work things out. i’m trying to wait till no one is home to film which is rare.
i want to be able to be free from these random living traumas i keep finding myself in. i lost hope of finding a comfortable place with roommates, ive even had to call the police on my past roommate (diff person than the current ones). so all this trauma of living has affected me so badly. i want to heal one day from all this and that motivates me to make money and be successful. i can do it >_<
thank you guys for all your support, one day i’ll be able to find peace. even tho i’m struggling im doing better than before and that’s bc i have all your support. you all changed my life, i started believing in myself again.
(pic is of me going to the demon slayer movie, ive had these clothes for so long and they survived after i sold 80% of my closet during the homeless arc. i love these clothes so muchh)
1 month ago (edited) | [YT] | 4,510
View 156 replies
poca
fentanyl withdrawal update
Hi guys I have a huge update. after seeing my pain doctor and getting a pain point injection procedure, i’ve been told that I can stop taking the fentanyl patch. I’m also going to stop taking the hydromorphone (my breakthrough pain medication) in a few weeks as advised by my doctors.
The fentanyl patch works for 3 days then after that I go through withdrawals. The last time I put on a patch was 6 days ago so I’ve been going through withdrawals. My past psychiatrist told me that my body over reacts to medication so even though i’m on the lowest dose of fentanyl, i’m still experiencing bad withdrawal symptoms.
I’m currently making a video documenting this process of withdrawal. I’ve been struggling a lot the past 3 days and I dont even know how to explain this terrible pain. I’m depressed, in pain, and i cant stop crying. I havent been able to leave my bed but today i had to go pick up my meds, literally had none left. so i picked myself up and forced myself and took a lot of breaks on the way.
Thank you anyone who donated to the gofundme bc im using that money to get thru these withdrawals rn since I cant work. I wouldnt have been able to do this without you guys.
I wanted to give this quick update since a lot is going on with me right now. Thank u everyone for supporting me.
(pic is me at my last pain dr appointment)
1 month ago | [YT] | 8,857
View 239 replies
poca
thank you everyone for 100k subscribers!!
i can’t believe this. First i find out i dont have a tumor anymore, then a few days later I reach 100k subs. Thank you everyone so much ♡
I’m not sure how i’m going to celebrate. that’s one of my goals for next year, have people around me to celebrate these things with. i’m alone in my room feeling like the world outside is on my phone. i’m not sure how to explain this feeling but it makes me want to leave my room. I haven’t felt this way in over 2 years so I want to thank everyone for making me feel hope, that i can get out of my room, build things in my life. that i can get better.
Thank you everyone for all the support, i appreciate it more than i can explain in words. here’s to more vids :)
(pic is of my a few days ago when i went to vote)
1 month ago | [YT] | 3,722
View 86 replies
poca
IMPORTANT health and gofundme update:
hi everyone! i have really great news i want to share with everyone. this is going to be a bit of a long update but if you donated to my gofundme pls read the full thing. I’m also going to be making a video about this as well.
The overall good news is that my MRI came back and I saw my oncologist on Monday.
My tumor is gone. My doctor said he could count on one hand how many times this has happened and that he had to look at my MRI twice. This does not happen and when he told me this I started to cry. There is no trace of my tumor. It’s completely gone.
I’ve attached a picture of my MRI results to prove this cuz I know it’s hard to believe. I didn’t believe it at first when I first saw my MRI results tbh.
Since my tumor essentially just disappeared, I won’t be needing to do chemo. Right now I’m working with my pain specialist doctor to manage my pain and hopefully get off of my pain meds. You might be wondering, if the tumor is gone then why did my pain increase the past two months? I asked the same question to my doctor and he said it’s most likely due to me having this tumor for over two years along with my scoliosis surgery. My personal opinion is that my body became used to the tumor in my neck and in turn my muscles and etc adapted. Now that the tumor is gone, it’s not relying on muscles that were not used before along with nerves no longer being affected by the tumor. I’m not a professional or anything but that’s what i think happened.
What does this mean about the gofundme?
I created the gofundme so that I could afford my living expenses while I go through chemo since I ccouldn’t work during that time. I was certain that since my pain was increasing the most logical thing is that my tumor is growing, that I would need chemo. Previously every time I went to my doctor I would need to do chemo immediately so I was preparing for that. Even my doctor said he was preparing me for treatment until he saw my MRI. I couldn’t have waited until after my MRI since that would risk me not being able to afford to do chemo indefinitely. This is why I made the gofundme in the first place and my thought process behind it.
The money from the gofundme is now going towards purely medical expenses such as PT, acupuncture, rehabilitation while I get off my pain medication, and anything related to my health. I understand that the intent of the gofundme completely changed so please feel free to refund your donation. If you are okay with me using that money towards trying to get off my pain meds and eventually try to be in less pain, then keep the donation. It’s completely up to you guys but I wanted to be as transparent as possible. I obviously won’t use any of the money towards anything trivial and unrelated to my health. I hope that this makes sense but please feel free to refund your donation if you want to.
Overall, this is really good news. I’m now able to get a pain procedure directly on my neck where majority of my pain is. I feel so hopeful that i can now try to live a life free from all this pain, medication, and heal from my trauma. I really want to thank you guys for supporting me while I was going through all this. I appreciate you guys!!!! NO MORE TUMOR !!!!!
(pic is of my mri results and me before my oncologist appointment.)
1 month ago | [YT] | 4,853
View 328 replies
poca
hi everyone- need some advice for a vid:
i filmed and edited a video about being a social shut in living in nyc. i even have a thumbnail ready and everything.
i made this vid last month and have been considering posting it. it’s mainly about my trouble with agoraphobia, physical health/pain, and unfortunate circumstances that keep me in nyc.
the only problem is, i cried a lot in that video. i was super emotional and its a very raw video. im not too sure if i should post it as i don’t want to go into the territory of pitying myself too much. i was wondering everyone’s thoughts on me posting a video like this.
please vote on this poll and if it’s a yes i’ll post the video tmr :)
2 months ago | [YT] | 373
View 53 replies
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