The Learned Distress Removal Process

Are there people who are super irritating to you? Most of us have some kind of person who we really would like to tell to shut the f**k up. Maybe it’s your narcissistic father-in-law. Or your chatty co-worker who didn’t get the memo that a silent wave is the only appropriate greeting before 10am.


I often have clients who tell me about some person who they absolutely cannot imagine could be less than a level-10 trigger for them. And nearly all of them have seen their trigger level drop significantly without the other person changing one bit. (Which is kind of amazing, because I can nearly always agree that the other person sounds like an absolute nightmare!)


This confirms that my client’s stored complex trauma that I call Learned Distress was involved in precipitating the trigger. And when they removed Learned Distress, they felt different around the other person, even sometimes to the point of enjoying them. Really! I’ve even been shocked by this a couple of times!


Learned Distress is the feeling that there is something wrong with us, and the survival mechanism our brain developed early in life can make us feel that the only way to be safe is to get as much distance as possible between us and a certain kind of person. So, we get super irritated around them as an inner sign to shove them away or run and hide.


When we remove Learned Distress, our core well-being expands and allows us to know that we are safe and secure no matter what is going on around us. And our radar for who is safe for us, or not, actually gets stronger, and we find ourselves easily setting boundaries in a way that reinforces the safety coming from our core well-being.


Can you imagine going from, “Shut the f**k up!” to, “Eh, yeah, they’re OK,” with THAT person? It’s possible (with many more people than you would guess)!


To learn which of the six Learned Distress types you have that is causing uncomfortable triggers for you, get your free, personalized report at LearnedDistress.com/SQ/.


#childhoodtrauma #CPTSD #LearnedDistress #traumatrigger #trigger

2 hours ago | [YT] | 0

The Learned Distress Removal Process

Do you tend to feel good or at least OK most of the time, but then negative feelings bubble to the surface once in a while? Have you noticed that it’s taking longer to get them to go away? Or maybe they’re feeling up near the surface most of the time lately?


If so, it’s not your fault. You haven’t done anything wrong. In fact, it’s what the stored complex trauma I call Learned Distress does for everyone—it grows in intensity over time. For some people, the survival mechanism the brain developed early in life to manage Learned Distress keeps negative feelings mostly under control for a long time—decades, usually. Or at the very least, it allows tools to work for you to help get it back under control.


And then at some point, the built-up Learned Distress becomes too much for your survival mechanism to contain, and no matter how well you’ve been able to squelch it in the past, it’s out in the open now. And you’re feeling confused and miserable!

It feels extra bad for you, because not only are those uncomfortable feelings, but it felt like keeping them buried was necessary to your actual *survival*. See why it feels *so* bad?


Fortunately, you can remove Learned Distress. Here’s how that can look:


*The intensity of those negative feelings comes down and keeps coming down.
*You are more comfortable with all of your feelings, so even when something does trigger negative feelings, they don’t feel so threatening.
*You get more access to your core well-being that was buried under the Learned Distress. This makes life feel better and work more easily.

Wouldn’t it be great to just feel good instead of having to beat back the bad feelings so often?


To learn which of the six Learned Distress types has kept you working hard to squelch negative feelings, get your free, personalized report at LearnedDistress.com/SQ.


#childhoodtrauma #CPTSD #LearnedDistress #dissociation #buriedtrauma

10 hours ago | [YT] | 0

The Learned Distress Removal Process

Does it sometimes feel like the entirety of who you are is your awful feelings? Or, maybe it’s your need to go, go, go so that you don’t feel any of them? Been there! It’s awful.


I’ve so often heard the same response when I’ve told people that the core of each of us is well-being, the feeling that we are just great being ourselves, that we really do matter just for being our real selves, that we have all the inner resources we need for a good life. “Yeah, maybe everyone else, Sara, but not me. I don’t think there’s any well-being in there.”


It breaks my heart every time, but it’s not true. I’ve seen every client who has said that find out that I was right, and they just needed to clear off all the soot from their lighthouse windows.


That happens by removing the stored complex or childhood trauma I call Learned Distress, the feeling we absorbed early in life that there’s something wrong with us. Here are some ways clients have told me that the light is shining out for them:


*I woke up feeling happy every day for the past week. That’s never happened before.
*I feel lighter and I’m actually feeling truly hopeful for the first time ever.
*I went to a conference and enjoyed catching up with people, instead of dreading it and hiding out the whole time.
*I spoke up in a meeting instead of feeling scared and tongue-tied.
*For the very first time, my efforts are getting results instead of failure.


Have you felt like you were the one person without an inner light? I know that feeling, and I also know that your core well-being really is there!


To learn which of the six Learned Distress types has gunked up your windows, get your free, personalized report at LearnedDistress.com/SQ/.


#complextrauma #CPTSD #LearnedDistress #innerlight #wellbeing #hope

2 days ago | [YT] | 1

The Learned Distress Removal Process

Are the tools you’ve learned from your therapist or books or videos working for you? If so, that’s great! Finding what works for you is the best!


But, maybe tools that helped you reframe, re-regulate, rebalance, and set boundaries worked for a while, but they’re not working so great anymore? Maybe you’ve stepped up your efforts, but they’re still failing you now? I know this can be really confusing, but it’s not your fault, and I can explain what happened!


The reason that tools once worked and now are failing is because of the rising intensity of your Learned Distress. That happens for everyone over time. Learned Distress is my term for the way that childhood or complex trauma is stored within you. Early in life, your brain developed a survival mechanism to help you manage Learned Distress and fit well within your family.


Having tools that worked for you suggests that you have one of the six Learned Distress survival mechanisms that keeps your Learned Distress buried. Those tools help keep the Learned Distress buried longer. But for nearly everyone, the Learned Distress eventually gets so intense that it overrules your survival mechanism and the tools stop working. It really sucks! But, it also gives you an opportunity.


This is the point where your brain will allow you to *remove* Learned Distress, which gets replaced automatically by your core well-being. Here’s how that can look:


*You actually *feel* good and enjoy your life without having to work so hard at it.
*Your new normal is being more emotionally regulated.
*You just find yourself easily saying what’s OK for you or not (setting boundaries) instead of having to grit your teeth through it.
*You can go with what feels right to you in the moment instead of having to plan everything out.


What if you just didn’t find the need for all those tools much anymore?


To learn which of the six Learned Distress types you have that is causing your tools to fail, get your free, personalized report at LearnedDistress.com/SQ/.


#complextrauma #childhoodtrauma #CPTSD #LearnedDistress #traumahealing

3 days ago | [YT] | 0

The Learned Distress Removal Process

If you’ve been asked (or demanded) to share more of your thoughts and feelings or to address some issue head-on, I know how terrifying that can be. You probably shut down so much that you actually have no idea what you’re thinking or feeling, anyway.


If you’ve asked someone for more direct communication, I know that you need to have everything out in the open in order to feel safe.


Ironically, these two diametrically opposed styles come from exactly the same source—from your survival mechanism to handle the stored complex trauma I call Learned Distress.


For the first person, survival in childhood meant keeping your thoughts and feelings—especially the negative ones!— to yourself. This was either because you copied a parent’s survival mechanism or because you had a volatile parent, so staying small and quiet was safest.


If you’re the second person, survival in childhood required speaking up loudly for yourself. You may also have felt abandoned by a parent who didn’t speak up for you in an abusive situation, and that feeling gets triggered by people who keep things to themselves.


Fortunately, you can remove Learned Distress, which gets replaced by your core well-being. Here’s how that can look:


For the first person, your internal sense of safety grows, and you find yourself sharing things openly without even realizing how different it is. And your well-being actually makes it safe to do so, because people are more likely to respond to you from their core well-being.


If you’re the second person, your internal sense of safety grows, and you feel safe no matter how someone else behaves. You can just roll with how other people are, even when it’s not your way of communicating.


Have you found yourself on one side of this intense relationship dynamic? What if it could change?


To learn which of the six patterns of Learned Distress you have that is driving your side of this dynamic, get your free, personalized report at LearnedDistress.com/SQ/.


#complextrauma #childhoodtrauma #CPTSD #LearnedDistress #communication

5 days ago | [YT] | 0

The Learned Distress Removal Process

Have you realized that you’re the common denominator in your awful relationships? Not a fun moment!!


You’ve been able to see the awful things about the other person, whether it was a romantic partner, a friend, or a boss. But there’s a pattern of it happening, and trying to avoid that kind of person isn’t working, so you realize something inside you needs to change?


So, this totally sucks, but there’s a silver lining here. Because there’s something you actually can change within yourself that can bring about better relationships (with better people!) for you.


Whatever the crappy relationship tendency is for you—ranging from being ignored to downright abuse—if there’s a pattern, it points back to the stored complex or childhood trauma I call Learned Distress. Nearly every relationship issue stems from the component of Learned Distress that says we don’t matter just for being ourselves. That feeling stored inside us allows other people to treat us that way (which does NOT let them off the hook for their own awful behavior!!).


The great thing is that you can remove your Learned Distress. The more “I don’t matter” you remove, the more your core well-being expands that tells you that you do matter just for being yourself. Here’s how that can look:


*You actually know, deep inside, that you matter without needing external validation to know it.
*Most people in your life will automatically treat you better, and you’ll finally be OK with leaving behind the ones who don’t.
*People who treat you well from the beginning will appear in your life.
*Your life will become centered on what matters to you and what you want.


Relationships don’t have to suck, I promise! This really can change for you.


To learn which of the six Learned Distress types is driving you into crappy relationships, get your free, personalized report at LearnedDistress.com/SQ/.


#complextrauma #childhoodtrauma #CPTSD #LearnedDistress #relationships

1 week ago | [YT] | 0

The Learned Distress Removal Process

Do you second-guess yourself a lot? Maybe you’re still questioning decisions you made years or even decades ago? And that self-doubt probably hits you in the face every time you need to decide something now, too, right? It can be so anxiety producing!


This frustrating pattern comes from the survival mechanism your brain developed early in life to handle the stored complex trauma I call Learned Distress. Learned Distress is the feeling you absorbed back then that there is something wrong with you just being yourself, and your survival mechanism enabled you to fit well within your family—or at least survive within it!


A pattern of second-guessing means that what worked well with one or more of your family members was for you to doubt or dismiss your own ability to know and to reason through things for yourself. You might have had a family member who was actively criticizing you or your family dynamic might have centered on a dominant figure who had to be the source of all knowledge. Either way, survival for you depended on NOT having a clear pathway to knowing things within yourself.


Fortunately, you can remove this Learned Distress. Here’s how that can look:


*The fog clears, and you more easily know what you want, what matters to you, and what’s right for you.
*Because of this new clarity, you are able to make decisions more easily.
*You rely less on external sources for making decisions.
*You’re more at ease sharing what you think with others, because it’s coming from that clarity of knowing who you are.


Has second-guessing yourself made life difficult? Wouldn’t it be nice to trust yourself more easily?


To learn which of the six patterns of Learned Distress you have that is causing your self-doubt, get your free, personalized report at LearnedDistress.com/SQ/.


#childhoodtrauma #CPTSD #LearnedDistress #secondguess #selfdoubt

1 week ago | [YT] | 1

The Learned Distress Removal Process

Have you felt confused or overwhelmed about where to start in terms of addressing your childhood or complex trauma? It’s a big thing to even realize, and an even bigger thing to start to work on.


There’s so much great information out there about complex trauma, so maybe you’ve learned about which aspects of your childhood were neglectful or abusive, what attachment style you tend toward, what your main trauma response is, what your core needs are…and maybe you’re more overwhelmed than ever? Ugh, totally get it!


I feel fortunate that I have been able to work on my complex trauma in a streamlined, simple way. Here’s how the Learned Distress Removal Process has been helpful.


The first helpful thing was getting a concise picture of my complex trauma. This picture pulled together the negative stuff I absorbed in childhood plus the survival mechanism my brain developed to help me get through what I now know was an extremely neglectful and abusive childhood. This allowed me to wrap my brain around why I felt so awful and why the same negative patterns kept playing out in my life.


I learned that I had the Caregiver type (hello, fellow fawners!), one of six types of the stored complex trauma I call Learned Distress, and I learned about the improvements

I could experience by removing Learned Distress. This helped me understand that my problems weren’t due to something uniquely wrong with me, but were just due to Learned Distress that I could actually get rid of.


What was also helpful was that I didn’t have to figure out what to work on next, because this process actually tees up the next layer of Learned Distress my brain was ready to get rid of. It gave me confidence that I was always working on the most important piece of my trauma. That was 25 years ago, and after removing lots of Learned Distress, my life is immeasurably better.


To learn which of the six Learned Distress types you have, get your free, personalized report here at LearnedDistress.com/SQ/.


#complextrauma #CPTSD #LearnedDistress #attachmentstyle #traumaresponse

1 week ago | [YT] | 0

The Learned Distress Removal Process

Did things used to work OK for you, but they seem to be getting harder and harder? Do you keep trying the same strategies that have always worked well, but you’re just not getting the same results? Maybe no results, at all? It sucks so much!


This is one of the mysteries I solve for new clients, so I know how frustrating and baffling it is for you. You’ve always done the right things, gotten decent (or amazing) results, and you thought life would keep going that way. But it’s like someone threw sand in the gears, and everything stopped working so well, and you don’t know what happened.


You probably have one of the Learned Distress survival mechanisms that either kept your Learned Distress buried or gave you enough resources to keep overcoming it for a long time. Learned Distress is the way complex or childhood trauma is stored inside you, and your brain developed a survival mechanism early in life for you to handle it that has worked pretty well until now.


As you’ve probably realized, you can’t think your way out of Learned Distress. But you can actually remove it instead of just continuing to fight it like you are now.


When you remove Learned Distress, your core well-being expands to support you in ways that feel way better than your survival mechanism ever allowed for. The main thing that happens in this realm is that Things. Feel. Easier. This is what I’ve heard over and over for the last 25 years from my clients who are just like you.


It’s OK if that feels a little scary or like a let-down to think about things being easier. But wouldn’t it be nice?


To learn which of the six Learned Distress types you have that has been making things harder lately, get your free, personalized report at LearnedDistress.com/SQ/.


#complextrauma #childhoodtrauma #CPTSD #LearnedDistress #overachiever

1 week ago | [YT] | 0

The Learned Distress Removal Process

Do you tend to seek out or ask for help when you have a new challenge or something that you don’t know how to do? Or do you open up your bestie—the interwebs—and figure it out yourself? Maybe you’re like me and you manage to coin a new curse word or two along the way?


Childhood trauma can make us overly self-reliant or hyper-independent. Back then, you had to fend for yourself in inappropriate ways, so learning new things came not from being guided step-by-step by a nurturing parent, but by stumbling your way through it one awkward discovery at a time. And for lots of us, that was without the internet! We’re so amazing, right?!


All of that put into place the stored complex trauma I call Learned Distress and your survival mechanism for handling it. Maybe you know all of this, but you still cannot bring yourself to ask for help? That’s because Learned Distress got stored in a way that makes it impossible to think or act your way out of.


Or, maybe you’ve asked for help and you just keep ending up with people who won’t or can’t help you? Learned Distress can keep causing (without any effort on your part!) that same pattern of “the way it is to be me is to have to go it all alone,” even when you try to do something different. Again, you can’t think or act your way out of that pattern.


But, you can actually remove Learned Distress. Here’s how that can look:


*It actually occurs to you to ask for help, you do, and you get it!
*You feel comfortable having some kind of help, instead of only feeling safe when you’re doing it all on your own.
*Instead of finding people who can’t help you anyway, you end up finding people who *can* help (and do so without grumbling).
*Your life works more easily and better because you gain access to expert knowledge and help that you wouldn’t have otherwise.


I know it can feel scary to contemplate this. But are there parts of your life that might work better if you had some help?


To learn which of the six Learned Distress types is causing you to go it all alone, get your free, personalized report at LearnedDistress.com/SQ/.


#complextrauma #CPTSD #LearnedDistress #overlyselfreliant #hyperindependent

2 weeks ago | [YT] | 0