Hey everyone, if you've got a moment I'd like to update you on my mental health and how production has been going. The tl;dr is that progress has been slow due to chronic stress + toxic thought patterns, and the Medic video is still a couple months away from completion.
The long version is super long because I'd rather say more than less in case anyone else is going through something similar:
I've finally had to accept where I'm at with my mental health. I mentioned some difficulties at the end of the Demo Extras video, and unfortunately those difficulties have continued. Those of you who have been watching my content for years (thank you <3) know that I went through a 3-year hiatus from 2014 to 2017. This hiatus was caused by a gradual development of anxiety/depression that made me unable to deal with criticism and failure. I wish I could say that I started uploading again because I resolved those feelings, but truthfully my motivation to upload again was greatly fueled by a fear of losing everything I built, as well as a feeling of guilt towards all the viewers I let down – so more negative feelings, more self-bashing. Somehow, I was able to create for years by forcing myself to stare at my editing software for hours even if it hurt. I would use a lot of toxic motivators like self-guilt, self-criticism, and self-loathing to get myself working when I didn't want to. As messed up as all of that sounds, I'm grateful that it worked for as long as it did, because this channel and my community mean everything to me – I would put myself through it again to be where I am today.
And yet, it's no way to live. All this self-hate and suppression of feelings peaked during the Demoman videos into complete emotional burnout. It makes me sad to say, but I felt almost nothing when I uploaded the Demo Extras video. I could tell something was wrong. I thought I had maybe gotten past my upload anxiety, but it was the opposite – I was coping with the anxiety by emotionally shutting down.
I've been unable to on-board or believe any positive comment about me or my videos for years now – I have to actively strain to try and process compliments, or else my eyes glaze over. Meanwhile, it's like I'm actively looking for negative comments to validate all the negative feelings I have towards myself. Let me be clear – this is not the fault of anyone in my audience, not even close. The amount of positive comments the videos have gotten are more than I can comprehend. Logically, I get it – people like the content, but I never learned to actually feel that.
This pattern resulted in a total lack of confidence/resilience. Every time I'd go to work on a video, it'd feel like I've never done it before - like I'm stepping onto stage without ever having practiced my lines. I was able to barely manage this feeling for a while, but anything in my life that made me even a little sad, guilty, or self-hating would instantly cause me to spiral and not be able to cope with the overwhelming work anxiety. Then, that would start a vicious stress cycle of me needing to work to feel good, but not being able to work because I can't cope... leading to long stretches where I would sleep 11 hours at night, feel like death for the first 4-5 hours of my day, stay stressed because now there's no time, and repeat.
And really, the reason I allowed this to go on for so long - the reason it took me so damn long to figure this out - is because I refused to have any compassion for myself. I refused to acknowledge that I was going through something really difficult and paralyzing – how could I complain when I have 900K+ subs, and a community that supports me, and I'm financially stable, and meanwhile people are losing their jobs in the pandemic, and etc etc etc (I think this is what people mean by the phrase “toxic positivity”). I always assumed that if I just “tried harder,” tomorrow would be the day I magically get to work and then all my problems will disappear. I was in a chronic state of stress for so long that I thought it was how everyone feels normally – I didn't even start to consider the possibility I was physically stressed until I started getting constant heart pangs while working on the Demo videos. Recently, as I try to learn to relax, I'll lie down and suddenly fall asleep for 5+ minutes, completely unaware that I was even exhausted until it just happens. And it feels amazing – waking up refreshed, actually having listened to my body's need to slow down – I can't believe how long I've been “on” while getting nothing done and just burning out my body.
I've practically written a novel of notes trying to figure out what's wrong with me (as you can see lol), but if there's one thing I would say to anyone struggling similarly, it's that the biggest transformation came when I finally decided to be on my own side, when I was finally able to flip my self-talk from majority self-hate to self-love. We all deserve to be our own best friends – even when we're struggling, even when we're failing, we deserve to pat ourselves on the back and say “damn, this sucks, but I know why you did what you did. Maybe you can do it differently next time, but I know why you messed up this time.” We are a product of everything that ever happened to us, but we can keep deciding to try for something different.
I'm sorry that I went silent on my accounts instead of saying something sooner - it's part of the perfectionism, I don't feel like I can speak unless I can present my best self. As I start to accept myself more, I hope I can be more present, honest, and authentic with all of you in my videos, streams, and posts. Thanks for reading this – thanks for everything <3 (also to be clear I am already seeking help in therapy and it's been a great help, to those concerned)
*taps microphone* uh hello? is this thing on? I'm not too familiar with this Youtube feature, but I am using it now for the first time to announce that "How it FEELS to Play Pyro in TF2" will be released one week from now! (October 19th 12:00 PST)! It will not be Premiered because that feature scares the shit out of me lol, so prepare yourself for a good ol' fashioned upload. See you there!
LazyPurple
LazyPurple
Hey everyone, give #savetf2 some love on Twitter today. It's a long-shot, but it would be silly to say we didn't try! Here's a link to my post for mobile users: twitter.com/LazyandPurple/status/15298971911914209…
P.S. I promise the Medic video is happening and my brain is getting better. But today's about TF2!
2 years ago (edited) | [YT] | 14,715
View 940 replies
LazyPurple
Hey everyone, if you've got a moment I'd like to update you on my mental health and how production has been going. The tl;dr is that progress has been slow due to chronic stress + toxic thought patterns, and the Medic video is still a couple months away from completion.
The long version is super long because I'd rather say more than less in case anyone else is going through something similar:
I've finally had to accept where I'm at with my mental health. I mentioned some difficulties at the end of the Demo Extras video, and unfortunately those difficulties have continued. Those of you who have been watching my content for years (thank you <3) know that I went through a 3-year hiatus from 2014 to 2017. This hiatus was caused by a gradual development of anxiety/depression that made me unable to deal with criticism and failure. I wish I could say that I started uploading again because I resolved those feelings, but truthfully my motivation to upload again was greatly fueled by a fear of losing everything I built, as well as a feeling of guilt towards all the viewers I let down – so more negative feelings, more self-bashing. Somehow, I was able to create for years by forcing myself to stare at my editing software for hours even if it hurt. I would use a lot of toxic motivators like self-guilt, self-criticism, and self-loathing to get myself working when I didn't want to. As messed up as all of that sounds, I'm grateful that it worked for as long as it did, because this channel and my community mean everything to me – I would put myself through it again to be where I am today.
And yet, it's no way to live. All this self-hate and suppression of feelings peaked during the Demoman videos into complete emotional burnout. It makes me sad to say, but I felt almost nothing when I uploaded the Demo Extras video. I could tell something was wrong. I thought I had maybe gotten past my upload anxiety, but it was the opposite – I was coping with the anxiety by emotionally shutting down.
I've been unable to on-board or believe any positive comment about me or my videos for years now – I have to actively strain to try and process compliments, or else my eyes glaze over. Meanwhile, it's like I'm actively looking for negative comments to validate all the negative feelings I have towards myself. Let me be clear – this is not the fault of anyone in my audience, not even close. The amount of positive comments the videos have gotten are more than I can comprehend. Logically, I get it – people like the content, but I never learned to actually feel that.
This pattern resulted in a total lack of confidence/resilience. Every time I'd go to work on a video, it'd feel like I've never done it before - like I'm stepping onto stage without ever having practiced my lines. I was able to barely manage this feeling for a while, but anything in my life that made me even a little sad, guilty, or self-hating would instantly cause me to spiral and not be able to cope with the overwhelming work anxiety. Then, that would start a vicious stress cycle of me needing to work to feel good, but not being able to work because I can't cope... leading to long stretches where I would sleep 11 hours at night, feel like death for the first 4-5 hours of my day, stay stressed because now there's no time, and repeat.
And really, the reason I allowed this to go on for so long - the reason it took me so damn long to figure this out - is because I refused to have any compassion for myself. I refused to acknowledge that I was going through something really difficult and paralyzing – how could I complain when I have 900K+ subs, and a community that supports me, and I'm financially stable, and meanwhile people are losing their jobs in the pandemic, and etc etc etc (I think this is what people mean by the phrase “toxic positivity”). I always assumed that if I just “tried harder,” tomorrow would be the day I magically get to work and then all my problems will disappear. I was in a chronic state of stress for so long that I thought it was how everyone feels normally – I didn't even start to consider the possibility I was physically stressed until I started getting constant heart pangs while working on the Demo videos. Recently, as I try to learn to relax, I'll lie down and suddenly fall asleep for 5+ minutes, completely unaware that I was even exhausted until it just happens. And it feels amazing – waking up refreshed, actually having listened to my body's need to slow down – I can't believe how long I've been “on” while getting nothing done and just burning out my body.
I've practically written a novel of notes trying to figure out what's wrong with me (as you can see lol), but if there's one thing I would say to anyone struggling similarly, it's that the biggest transformation came when I finally decided to be on my own side, when I was finally able to flip my self-talk from majority self-hate to self-love. We all deserve to be our own best friends – even when we're struggling, even when we're failing, we deserve to pat ourselves on the back and say “damn, this sucks, but I know why you did what you did. Maybe you can do it differently next time, but I know why you messed up this time.” We are a product of everything that ever happened to us, but we can keep deciding to try for something different.
I'm sorry that I went silent on my accounts instead of saying something sooner - it's part of the perfectionism, I don't feel like I can speak unless I can present my best self. As I start to accept myself more, I hope I can be more present, honest, and authentic with all of you in my videos, streams, and posts. Thanks for reading this – thanks for everything <3
(also to be clear I am already seeking help in therapy and it's been a great help, to those concerned)
4 years ago (edited) | [YT] | 37,912
View 4,000 replies
LazyPurple
*taps microphone* uh hello? is this thing on? I'm not too familiar with this Youtube feature, but I am using it now for the first time to announce that "How it FEELS to Play Pyro in TF2" will be released one week from now! (October 19th 12:00 PST)! It will not be Premiered because that feature scares the shit out of me lol, so prepare yourself for a good ol' fashioned upload. See you there!
5 years ago | [YT] | 15,574
View 1,800 replies