Tom Cardy - Invidious

Radio interview -1 day before album release

Today the cowards at Triple J ( Australian youth-oriented radio station) refused to air an interview with me, Tom Cardy. I arrived on time (with extremely high energy) and was booked very tightly between two other appointments, but the need for things to run quickly and smoothly was obviously too much for certain inexperienced broadcasters to handle. It’s bullshit and I’m mad, so I have decided to transcribe the interview and record it here verbatim (to the best of my memory!) Please enjoy.

Int. Radio studio, Tom Cardy, celebrity musician with a good moustache, boots down the soundproof door. It swings open and startles Triple J arvo presenters Rosco and Beanz.

Cardy: I’m ready, lets fucking goooo!

Beanz puts down his magazine and gives Cardy a look that genuinely indicates that he has no interest in doing his fucking job today.

Beanz: Sorry Tom, the new Ocean Alley song is playing, we will introduce you and kick things off as soon as it’s done, is that ok, my dude?

Cardy: Hell no - rock and roll waits for no one!

Cardy is now screaming into a nearby microphone. Rosco stands upright and makes sure the levels are down. It’s almost as if he and Beanz are some sort of contest to see who is the biggest coward.

Rosco: Maybe you want to listen, buddy? Hey it's no “Have You Checked Your Butthole”, but you might dig it?

Rosco’s voice is so aloof it’s hard to imagine anyone in the radio’s 18-24 year old key demographic enjoys his presenting style.

Cardy: Hey I got an announcement for your listeners, and it just has to go out now!

No one says anything.

Cardy: Now!... NOW!...NOW! NOW! NOW!

Cardy is yelling over and over again dashing across the studio to yell each now into one of the three microphones. Knocking over chairs and then stumbling on a cable which is actually a hazard he could have sued over, but he didn’t (true sign of his benevolence).

Beanz: Tom, please slow down. We will do the interview in 30 seconds once the song is done-

Cardy: HELL NO! I’m double parked and I’m ready now! The fans can wait no longer. It's time for me to announce my Album to the 18-24 year age bracket of Australia!

Rosco: Did you say you’re double parked?

Beanz: Where on George St.?*

Cardy: YEAH! And not even in the left lane.**

Rosco: Tom, my man, why don’t you mellow out, move the car and we will do the interview when you’re back?

Cardy: Wow, sorry guys I guess I wasn’t clear before…

Cardy grabs Beanz by the collar and brings him so close the tip of Cardy’s nose is so close to touching Beanz’s nose you would struggle to move a pin through the gap without risking a possible nasal stabbing.
Cardy: NOOOOOOOOOW!

Producer: [Over the intercom] Songs wrapping up!

Cardy begins running round and round the studio again, but this time much faster.

Cardy: NOW! NOW! NOW!

Rosco: [Into the microphone, desperately trying to project over Cardy] That was Ocean Alley, and you’re listening to Triple J!

Cardy: NOW! NOW! Noooo..

THUD! Cardy trips on that same wire, proving he probably should have made a bigger deal about it the first time, and crashes into the floor. Beanz takes the mic and Rosco rushes to Cardy’s aid.

Beanz: We…umm… well we have a bit of a situation in the studio. So we have wonderful musician and uhh… funny guy, Tom Cardy.

Rosco is by Cardy’s side and begins speaking to him, which is actually very unprofessional given they are live on air.

Rosco: Tom, are you ok? Don’t move, we can get someone in to help.

Beanz tries both desperately and pathetically to keep things on track.

Beanz: We have a bit of a situation in here -

Cardy: NO WE DON’T! LET'S DO THE INTERVIEW!

Correctly knowing that he has to really, REALLY, project given his mouth’s distance to the nearest microphone Cardy is pretty much screaming this, as is his right.

Beanz: We might cut to a song-

Cardy: DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE!

Everyone is stunned. Dead space live on air? Wow, real profession guys.

Cardy: GO ON! THIS IS AN INTERVIEW, RIGHT? SO ASK A FUCKING QUESTION?

Rosco brings a mic down to Cardy who is, for the moment, immobile from the shoulders down. Or so he assumes, not wanting to risk gaining any further injury until the album release date is announced.

Rosco: Ahhh sure.

Beanz: So Tom, then, you have a new album that’s just come out?

Cardy: Oh, do I?

Beanz: What?

Rosco: Sorry, Tom, we thought you were here to talk about your new album that’s just come out?

Cardy: I have a new album coming out on the 18th of October, literally tomorrow, entitled The Dance Floor at the End of The Universe, but no please tell me about the album I’ve just released, news to me.

Beanz: Sorry, I meant to say tell us about the album that’s soon to come out-

Cardy: So why didn’t you say that then.

There is a long, amateurish pause that lingers in the air, floundering around much like the future prospects of Rosco and Beanz.

Rosco: That's all the time we have - Tom Cardy, thank you very much for joining us.

Cardy: Hey thanks, guys, I think that went ok, I do think it’s important to show a guest respect, however, and accommodate them when they ask to be put on air. It’s really just basic respect.

Quite sadly, and probably the final death knell for their broadcasting careers, both Rosco and Beanz leave the studio. Cardy lies there. The lights, which must be on a sensor, eventually turn off. A producer who will remain unnamed informed Cardy the interview did not go to air, and the audio recording has been destroyed.

I hope you’ve enjoyed the transcript but also I hope it makes its way to Triple J and they have a long hard think about how they treat their guests. If this post makes you mad, I understand, but please don’t contact them demanding they interview me and play my music, it’s fine, I’m fine. Actually everything's cool. New blog in a couple days when I’m in a better mood.

*Main, and busiest, street in Sydney’s CBD, right outside Triple J’s studios. Sorry if this is a sort of doxing of Triple J, but they are a public broadcaster, so as financier’s of the station, shouldn’t we all know where it is? Don’t we all have a right to perform a sort of impromptu audit? In the spirit of impromptu audits, the code to the back door is 18462 and if you walk in like you own the place no one will stop you until you’re literally behind a microphone. Exhibit A - this guy (me).

**In Australia we drive on the left! If you are in a country where that is not the case, that’s ok. No need to tell me or explain why it’s better..

7 months ago | [YT] | 7,982

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Tom Cardy

How to get the Perfect Album Cover!
30/09/24 - 18 days before album release

Pre-save the album here! gyro.to/TheDancefloorAtTheEndOfTheUniverse

Howdy, Cardonauts!* Today I’m very excited to write about cover art! While not directly linked to the music making process, it’s a great opportunity to convey a visual representation of how I feel about my artform . So please enjoy reading how I managed to get my new album art made, which I couldn’t be happier with! PLEASE NOTE: I had been reading a lot about how to psychologically motivate a contracted worker when I was doing this and if I’m being honest I probably let things get a little out of control.

“Literally perfect!” I blurted out my mouth. A tiny, wet, bit of chewed up cheese-style puff landing on the wayfarer style reading glasses of Benoit, an up and coming E-artist, who I had have tasked with the creation of my new album’s artwork.

“Oh, sorry about that” I said, again some food flies out, but misses Benoit, so no need for a further apology.

“Not a problem, Mr. Tom!” Benoit seemed eager to impress me. I noticed Benoit was sweating a lot. That made me happy. Knowing he had a little fear for the process helped me appreciate he was taking the project seriously.

A superb visualisation of my brief for the new album art sat in front of me. I wanted it to capture the grandeur of my powerful music, simultaneously summarising how my songs speak, on a human level, to each and every listener. Capturing Cardy, as a modern day celebri-deity that looms larger than life itself, but also a deeply intimate and approachable soul. At both times building upon the myth of my greatness and revealing the ultimate truth of who I am. A very simple task that shouldn’t have been much of a challenge. I also asked to be depicted riding a horse for personal and private reasons.

And oh my god, had Benoit knocked this one out the park! It doesn’t do it justice to try and describe in words but imagine, if you will, me, in sexy/revealing black knights armour, riding lady-style** on a golden metal draught horse, wielding a flame sword that is also the neck of a guitar, that is also made of diamonds, that is keeping dozens of monstrous demons at bay, which are approaching from the bottom of the artwork/fresco. But look closer! I urge you, look closer! I’m wearing a crown made of my favourite things, cheese-style puffs, ride-on lawnmowers, marimbas and drumsticks (chicken, and instrument!). One of my eyeballs stares up at an angel top right of the artwork, which really obviously represents my constant desire to grow and improve, but in a chill and healthy way. My other eye is looking down to the demons that are always coming for me. Obvious and literal in what this represents***.

Long story short, it rocked. It rocked hard! To celebrate I took Benoit out to my favourite restaurant, the Hard Rock Cafe, and we got ourselves two full plates of chicken’s wings. While eating my chicken’s wings I ran into good friend and technology aficionado, Bardly Yump. Bardly has worked at all the big tech companies, Yahoo, Webnet Technologies, Bingso, Datazone, and DigiChimp.biz.

Yeah, he’s a seriously big boppa in the industry.

I filled him in: new album artwork, very good, up and coming artist, desperate to impress me, eating chicken’s wings, tremendous celebration - he got the picture. As a passing comment, Bardly said: “Well good on you for not just getting an AI to do it!”

“Haha” We all chuckled, guffawing in perfect unison. That was until I said “Wait, what?” I realised I was laughing to fit in with everyone else (again), but actually had no idea what Bardly was on about****. Bardly explained to me that there are now many free AIs***** out there that could whip up a new artwork for me in a matter of seconds. A seed was planted.

I did not sleep that night, my brain swirling with ideas of the wonderful things AI could do for me - strictly from a visual arts perspective and definitely not for anything else. AI absolutely hasn’t got even close to good enough to do either comedy or music, let alone both simultaneously. No, I can’t be replaced by a robot, but maybe Benoit can?

I dashed to my laptop in the morning, racing down the stairs as the first rays of sun raced into my office, which is both large and nice, FYI.

“Computer activate” I yelled as I pressed the button that turns it on. I searched for the best AI art - an ad for Bonzookle popped right up. Click. I was in. I submitted the brief and got a new image.

It was wildly different to Benoit’s work, it featured just as much horse, and roughly the same amount of Cardy but something was special about this one. Where Benoit had been bound by conventions of reality such as depicting me with the normal amount of fingers and my horse having the typical four legs, Bonzookle threw these out the window and with it brought seven fingered hands, floating bits of hair above my head, and a broadly upsetting approach to my overall representation!

Immediately an idea exploded into my head. I got both Benoit and Bonzookle to whip up 5 alternative album covers, and I would have to decide if I could tell, double blind, who created which. At first I assumed the extra digits/limbs would give the game away - but Bonzookle, unlike Benoit, learned fast. When the time came for me to sift through the 10 new options, mixed together randomly, I guessed every single one wrong. Confused and amazed, I ordered another 5 more from each and put them into a G-Drivefolder titled: Man vs. Machine, tag line: the ultimate contest. Again randomised and again guessed everyone wrong! A near statistical impossibility at this point! For each intricate universe Benoit would build within his art the AI would match.

I found myself staring out my well maintained office window and saying under my breath, “what the hell”, over and over again.

I called over Bardly, he guessed wrong as well! Now we were both saying “What the hell” out the window on repeat.

Benoit stopped making bespoke Album Art covers for me. He said “I don’t want to be made to fight a robot”. I said “It’s not a fight if you keep losing” and I think I went too far because I saw him 3 hours later sitting on a lime bike in the carpark just crying while the usage fee racked up. I became disillusioned with art and artists. Worse for Benoit and other artists, rumours of my groundbreaking use of AI art had spread and it appeared other people had been doing the same thing all over the world - some of them for years now! Oh god, what beast have I wrought on this world! I feel as though I’ve created a monster and lost control of it. My prodigal son had busted out of my lab and was leaving a trail of broken dreams for the visual arts community.*****

I needed to take Bonzookle down a peg, and vowed to all those around me that I’d ensure my new album cover was gonna be 100% pure human - no robots allowed, an AI free zone, meat over metal (#meatovermetal)!

Benoit still wouldn’t answer my calls (join the club. See: Dolf, Blog post 1) so I engaged another artist who did about as good a job. (see attached album art. The Artist name is Ocho.24 on instagram, and potentially that is their actual first name, I haven't been able to work it into conversation to check). Actually, they were amazing. It was an incredible experience, and I got one of the proudest pieces of art I think I've ever had the pleasure of watching come into creation . Probably should have written about that. Hands tired now, so can’t. - Tom

*Trying to figure out what to call my fans. Every time I think of a pun and head to the patent office, Cardi-B has beaten me to the punch. Sometimes within mere minutes. As in she is like, two people ahead of me in the line.
**Lady style is when both legs are on the same side of the horse (In my case the starboard side). Despite its name, actually anyone is allowed to ride that way and it can still be a very normal and powerful way to commute.
***demons represent demons.
****I’m currently undertaking intensive therapy to prevent me from doing this anymore, however progress is slow.
*****AI is a two letter acronym, and although no one can truly confirm what it stands for, it means very smart robot.
******Frankenstein style if you didn’t get it.

7 months ago (edited) | [YT] | 5,446

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Tom Cardy

Hey Guys!

You may have noticed that I've been real quiet over the last 4 months, the exciting news is I've been working to release a full length album on the 18th of October! I'm trying something a little bit different today. I thought it would be fun to do some blogging and bring you along for the journey, from PR and final mixes, through to marketing, all the way up to release day and beyond! I think there are a lot of interesting processes that go into an independent release and I’m so thrilled to share with you what my life is like for one of the most exciting periods a musician can experience! Please read with an open heart, I hope you laugh and learn, and maybe even grow a little as a person? Welcome to me. - Tom Cardy

26/9/24 - 22 days before release day - How to Master an Album!

Hey guys (again). In my first blog I wanted to talk a bit about Mastering an independent album. So the tracks require “mastering,” which is a process at the end of MIXING the different elements, that polishes the sound recording and ensures the songs shine on any speaker or headphone. Just to be clear, and this will make more sense to you soon, It is NOT the process of replacing every single audio track with different farts.

I say this because I've just got the tracks back from the mastering engineer and he’s replaced the entire thing with fart noises, again. All 10 tracks are just fart noises. Why does this keep happening to me? This is the 6th mastering house I've used. I don’t know how they manage to all do it exactly the same way. I thought it was a fun prank they were all in on, but this last guy I used had no sense of humor. I made sure of it, I spent 48 hours with the boring fuck to really be 100% sure that, if there was some elaborate joke being played on me by the “Masters Engineering Guild of Music Mastering”, he was not going to do me like so many of his cronies had done me before. i.e dunk on me emotionally/professionally. Lo and behold, I must once again accept a 10 track, 1.2 GB folder to my google drive that is literally just professionally mastered fart sounds.

I didn’t really want to talk about this sort of thing in the blog. I was really stoked to share fun facts and interesting practises of the music industry but instead all I can type about is my 4 year fart feud with ANY AND EVERY mastering engineer within 200 KM of the Greater Sydney Area. That isn’t what you are paying your money for*1. But guess what, that’s the industry, baby. You thought it was going to be all champagne and ARIA awards? I’ve got bad news bronco, you were born with a taste pallet too grossly sensitive for any carbonated beverage*2, plus the ARIA board members all have COMPLETELY ILLEGITIMATE and EXOTICALLY VARYING reasons to despise you. Sorry, did I say you? I meant me. Welcome to my fucking life.

---

All of the tracks are different fart sounds, I could whinge and moan about how we got here or, we can regroup and figure out a solution because in just over three weeks I have an album to release. Although it’s not easy, as I try to find a solution I become reminded of the fact that one song is just a single fart held for 3 minutes and 15 seconds. I thought it was the famous wartime bugle diddy “The Last Post” for a moment until I compared it with the version my neighbour was playing on his actual trumpet (which he was doing/does every time his doordash arrives). I could immediately tell which was farts. One song is a lot of very, very high pitch farts that seem almost inhuman. Another is half a second long, and is confirmed to be the quickest fart I've ever heard*3.

I think part of this pathetic jape is that the engineers actually spend the 2 allocated weeks mastering and take the $12K I pay upfront to still work, albeit on a completely different album than the one I intended to have mastered. God, I'm so goddamn mad right now. Fuck. Sorry. They’ve been doing this to me for 4 years now and it’s SO UNFAIR. Every time I end up just mastering them myself and moving on. Wait another year, think maybe it was all just in my head, try a new engineer and then invariably receive back farts. This time i’m not taking this lying down, screw angry calls and being passive aggressive. I’m walking straight down to “REDACTED SYDNEY STUDIO NAME” to demand they remove the farts from the recording or just re-master the right tracks (depending on if they put farts over my songs or if they are just full new fart compositions, not sure yet). YES I’m G’ing myself up, this is GREAT. I wasn’t actually going to do it, but now that I’ve used those CAPITALS my heart rate has literally shot up 40 bpm! I’m burning up. OK! I’m going to confront the fuckos! Or I might go Ice-Skating! I’m so f’n G’d up! Will decide on the way!

---

I was ready to rumble, but Dolf was not having it. Over the phone this audio dweeb seemed like the sort of no-humor cucklord that thrived on a physical altercation, such was the zeal I launched at him over his mastering desk in studio 3. I had workshopped and rehearsed my war cry on the bus ride over*4. As in, what I'd shout as I flew through the air and landed on the two-faced German audiophile (watch it). “I’ll teach you to play God with another Man's livelihood!” was what I landed on. But in the heat of the moment (and the surprising/infuriating squeal sound Dolf made when I crawled through the window) I flubbed my line and just yelled “FAAAAARTMONGER”.

To be fair I didn’t do much damage, it took only 3 open-hand-face-pushes for me to realize Dolf was crying and my victory over him would be hollow were I to give into my baser primal instincts (e.g. murder dumb P’ Of S’ and launch his stupid body into the sun). He stopped crying enough to say he was sorry. I said what for? He said he didn’t know but he was always in trouble, that he was pathetic, and started crying again. I shook him violently and leaned in very, very close to his face. After 2 minutes of foreplay I whispered hot breath onto the bit where he would/should have a mustache, had he been a man able to grow a mustache. “You put farts on my album, take them off now, please”.

From the moment I said “farts” the sad little thing made a choking sound and hurled himself at my feet, begging me not to change a thing. “It is my masterpiece,” he whimpered. “40 years of work in psycho-acoustics and audio engineering have culminated in this one single manifestation of my life, my skill. I will never again master something as I have this! Please! It must be shown to the world! PLEASE”. It was tough to argue with him because 1) He spoke all in German so I had to remember what he said at the time, come home and put it into a translation app 2) he was so sad. I felt for the guy. I felt angry at him, sure. But I also knew what it meant to just live for art. I hardly pushed Dolfs face after that. We decided to fix the window, bandage me up and talk things through.

I ended up taking Dolf to the Ice - Zoo*5 and paying for him to have 3 hours out on the rink. I gotta admit, 15 minutes prior to skates down, if anyone had asked me what I thought of the man I'd say “preposterously weak and probably bad at sex”. What I saw out on the ice was an angel chock-full of grace, gliding and spinning like an origami beyblade. If you’d asked me then and there what I thought of Dolf I'd say “Preposterously good at ice skating (and probably bad at sex)”. He’d keep calling out “watch this” and then just push a little kid over onto the ice or into the sideboards. It would make me laugh, and then he’d laugh, and we’d both laugh until the next biggest kid would skate over to try and avenge the last one. Dolf would yell “watch this!” and push that kid over. I'd laugh, he’d laugh etc. We’d go around and around. In the rink, Dolf would skate around and around. The children would spin around and around (if Dolf was spinning them). The changing of the seasons, winter always turns to spring, summer, and slowly the year crawls back to winter. I write songs. I mix songs. I forget that everytime I submit my songs to mastering engineers they come back as farts. I submit songs to mastering engineers. They come back as farts. I write more songs. The rhythm of life is one we may not always want to dance to, but it does not just stop because we sit by the edge of the dancefloor and sulk. I will hold my head up high and march true into my future, gratefully playing the hand that the great creator has dealt me. For this time, as Dolf plunges fresh twins into the glass barrier, it is my/this blog's new purpose to release a never before conceived audio masterpiece that will change the world.

EDIT: Found out I was sending the wrong Google Drive folder to mastering engineers for the past 4 years. Not the focus of this blog to explain why I have 10 tracks of fart songs stored. Have re-submitted original songs to different engineer, almost ready to upload to streaming. Told Dolf that we have to put our never before conceived audio masterpiece on the shelf for now. He has not returned my calls. I hope he is ok.

1* Important: Beginning entry 2 the blog will be heavily monetised. Also, no l0serz

2* I truly cannot withstand a mouthful of Perrier.

3* Yep. I checked, quickest fart I’ve heard. I timed it and went back to my notes. I haven't heard one faster. Well not yet at least.

4* I sat with the bus driver and we bounced ideas back and forth. Heads up, bus drivers are very angry people. Best keep them at arms length of revenge plans unless you actually don’t mind grievous bodily harm/committing it.

*5 Marrickvilles premier skate rink, open all year round. It is not a literal zoo, don’t expect polar bears and penguins and shit. I did, and I've never been even half as dissapointed.