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stevens allsorts

An old west dime novelist was out looking for a good story & wandered into a saloon.
He saw a group of rough-rider scoundrels playing poker and mustered up enough courage to sit down with them, thinking he might get a story out of it if he was lucky.
“Mind if I play?"

They all looked up with scowls that would curdle milk.
Then one looked at the clock and shook his head. mHe pointed out the time to the others and they gathered up their chips to go.

“Play alone, we're a-leavin'.
Wild Bill's comin' to town,”
said one.

The writer was clueless but smelled a story brewing, so he hoofed up to the bar, passing most of other patrons on their way out, slapped down a ten dollar bill and said, "Barkeep, give me a beer and a story and you can keep the change.”

After taking a quick glance at the clock, the bartender shook his head, poured the beer and pushed the bill back to the man.

“The drink is on the house, but I suggest you drink it quick and leave. Wild Bill is coming to town."

Without another word the bartender put his last glass away and walked out the swinging doors, leaving the writer in an empty bar.

He debated about leaving, but he knew this would be a great story
so he decided to stay.

Ticktock, ticktock, BONG! Just as the clock struck the first chime
of twelve he jumped as he heard
a sound like thunder splitting
a mountain.

He ran to the door to see
what it was. In the distance
and closing fast was a tornado coming right for the bar.

He hit the ground and watched
as the tornado reached the bar
and stopped.

When the dust settled he saw a giant of a man riding a grizzly bear. He jumped off the bear and instead of hitching it punched the beast right in the face - WHAM! - knocking it out cold.

The writer ran back inside and ducked behind the bar. The giant kicked the saloon doors off their hinges and they splintered, flying around the room, breaking bottles and glasses.

Then he walked up to the bar, cracking every floorboard with each step. He looked down at the writer, slammed his fist on the bar, which cracked down the middle, and shouted “GIMME A DRINK!"

The writer stood up, holding out two bottles of whisky, which the giant snatched, then chewed the tops off the bottles and drank them empty in two swallows.

Then he threw both bottles
into the air, whipped out
his six-shooter and fired off
a round that shattered them.

The writer leaned on the broken bar and whimpered, “W-w-w-would y-you like a-another drink?"

The man turned to him with fire in his eyes, then glanced at the clock, saying, “Nah, I gotta go –
Wild Bill's comin' ta town!”

1 year ago | [YT] | 9

stevens allsorts

A man who just got a raise decided to buy a new scope for his rifle. He went to a gun shop and asked the clerk to show him a scope.

The clerk took out a scope and said, “This scope is so good you can see my house up on that hill.”

The man took a look through the scope, and started laughing.

“What’s so funny?” asked the clerk.

“I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house,” the man replied.

The clerk grabbed the scope from the man and looked up at his house.
Then he handed two bullets
to the man and said, “Here are two bullets. I’ll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife’s head off and shoot the guy’s dick off.”

The man took another look through the scope and said, “I think I can do that with one shot.”

1 year ago | [YT] | 5

stevens allsorts

A fireman looked out of the firehouse window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk.

He had small ladders hung on the side of his little red wagonand a garden hose coiled up in it.
He was wearing a fireman's hat and had the wagon tied to his dog so that the dog could pull the wagon.

The fireman thought this was really cute, so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had. As he did,
he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles.

The fireman said, "Son, I don't want to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think if you tied that rope around the dog's neck you’d go faster."

“Maybe,” said the little boy, "but then I'd lose my siren!"

1 year ago | [YT] | 10

stevens allsorts

A farmer was in court, suing the trucking company whose truck had injured him in an accident, and was on the stand with the company's lawyer questioning him, trying to disprove the merits of his claim.

"Mister Brown," the lawyer said, "after the crash, did you not tell the responding officer that you were – and I quote – fine?"

"Well," said the farmer, "you see, I was driving my mule to town..."

"Sir, please answer the question,” interrupted the lawyer. “Did you or did you not say you were fine?"

"Well now, you have to understand, I was driving my mule..."

"Sir! Stop avoiding the question. Remember, you are under oath! Did you not tell the officer *you were fine*?”

The farmer turned to the judge and said, "Your honor, I’m tryin’ to answer the nice man's question, but he wont let me."

The judge said, "I'll allow it, but it better be relevant."

The farmer thanked him and began, "Well, you see, I was driving my truck to town with my trailer hitched to the back and my mule in the trailer. As we crossed an intersection this big truck blowed past the stop sign and smashed into us. The truck split in two, I'm thrown into one ditch on the side of the road, the mule was thrown into the other and the truck just kept going."
"Now I'm in bad shape. My arm is broke, my leg is broke, half my ribs are broke. But my mule is in worse shape, from what I can hear. She's screaming and thrashing and making a pitiful racket."
"I hear tires come to a stop on the gravel, a door close and footsteps crunching across the road to the other ditch. I hear the mule screaming for a minute more and then a shot and it went quiet. The footsteps then start to come my way. I look up to see a state trooper putting his gun back in his holster."
"He said to me, sir, I’m terribly sorry. Your mule was badly injured, she was in terrible pain, and I had no choice but to put her down. How are you?”
The farmer looked at the judge
and asked, “Now after that, your honor, what would you have said?“

1 year ago | [YT] | 10

stevens allsorts

A cowboy walked into a saloon and ordered a beer. His hat was made of brown wrapping paper, his shirt and vest were waxed paper, and his chaps, pants, and boots were made of tissue paper. Halfway through the beer the sheriff barged in and arrested him for rustling.

1 year ago | [YT] | 8

stevens allsorts

A woman came home late after a girls’ night out and quietly opened the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she saw 4 legs instead of 2. She took a bat from a closet and started hitting the blanket as hard as she could. she went to the kitchen for a drink and there was her husband, reading a magazine. looking up said, “Hi, dear. Your parents came to visit so I let them into our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

1 year ago | [YT] | 6

stevens allsorts

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward
is you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, 'I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented:
“Well, what's the big deal about inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without
a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed,
but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional
to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft
and wobble about too much

4. The intake is placed
way too close to the exhaust.

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous.

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God. ‘Hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out
a slip of paper. God read it
and said to Arthur,
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed, but according to these numbers more men are riding my invention than yours.’

1 year ago | [YT] | 3

stevens allsorts

A blonde walked into a bank in Manhattan, said she was going to Europe on business for two weeks needed to borrow $5,000 and asked to see the loan officer.

The loan officer said the bank needed collateral for the loan so the blonde handed over
the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500 parked out on the street.

She produced the title and everything checked out.
The bank agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and the loan officer enjoyed a good laugh at the blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee then drove the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parked it.

2 weeks later the blonde returned and repaid the $5K and
the interest, which came to $15.41.

The loan officer said, "Madam,
we are very happy to have had
your business and the transaction worked out very nicely, but we
are a little puzzled. While you were away, we ran a background check and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is why you
would bother to borrow $5,000,

The woman replied, "Where else
in Manhattan can I park my car
for two weeks for only $15.41
and expect it to be there when
I return?"

#SLAMDUNK, blondie!

1 year ago | [YT] | 4

stevens allsorts

Sam died and left $50,000 in his will for an elaborate funeral.
As the last attenders left, Sam's wife, Rose, turned to her oldest friend, Sadie, and said: "Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased."

"I'm sure you're right" replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her voice to a whisper: "tell me, how much did it really cost?"
"All of it" said Rose. "50,000."

"No!" Sadie exclaimed "I mean, it was very nice, but really...$50,000?"

Rose nodded. "The funeral was $6500. I donated $500 to the church for the priest services. The food and drinks for another $500. And the rest went towards the memorial stone."

Sadie computed quickly: "$42,500 for a memorial stone? Exactly how big is it?"

"Seven and a half carats."

1 year ago | [YT] | 3

stevens allsorts

An elderly couple, who were both widowed had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends,they decided
it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

“How do you feel about making love?” he asked, rather tentatively.
“I would like it infrequently,” she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly
for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over toward her and whispered: “Is that one word or two?”

1 year ago | [YT] | 5