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THE CHRONICLES OF THE FIRSTBORNS

(The Untold Stories of Silent Shoulders)

12. CHOSEN FOR ORDER, NOT FOR OPPRESSION

There is a difference between being chosen for responsibility and being sentenced to suffering.

Many firstborns were raised like emergency exits instead of children. From childhood, expectations were placed on our shoulders before we even understood what life meant. We became the silent sacrificer, the shock absorber of the family, the one expected to understand every situation even when nobody understood them. And somewhere along the line, society normalized it.

The firstborn must endure, sacrifice, adjust and must carry everybody. But wait, who made that law?

Being firstborn was supposed to represent order, leadership, guidance, and structure, not oppression, abandonment, or emotional slavery. Many firstborns were not allowed to fail, be soft, complain and to rest. The moment we showed weakness, people suddenly forgot we are human too.

Nobody ever asked who is watching the firstborn? Who is strengthening the strong one? Who is carrying the one carrying everyone? The painful part is that many firstborns were conditioned to believe love must be earned through suffering. So, they overgive, overstretch, over-explain and over-function. And when life finally becomes too heavy, people call us too emotional, forgetting we have been emotionally responsible for people since childhood.

Being chosen first should not mean being destroyed first. Yes, firstborns are often naturally wired with leadership tendencies, responsibility, and protective instincts but leadership should not become lifelong punishment.

A child who was chosen to help maintain order should not lose their own peace in the process.

Some firstborns are tired, not because we hate responsibility, but because we were never given room to simply exist without pressure.

This is for the firstborn who had to mature too quickly, the one who became strong because life gave them no option, the one who secretly cries but still shows up for everybody, you were chosen for order, not for oppression and one day, may you experience a life where your value is not tied only to how much you carry for others.

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To be continued...

I remain my humble self, Oladeji Okikiayo. I am the Father's heart

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THE CHRONICLES OF THE FIRSTBORNS

(The Untold Stories of Silent Shoulders)

11. THE CRY BEHIND COMPOSURE

One thing about many firstborns is, we mastered composure before we mastered healing. We learnt how to smile while breaking. We learnt how to stay strong while silently drowning. We learnt how to encourage others even when nobody noticed we were tired too.

People see composure and automatically assume peace. They see maturity and assume strength. They see silence and assume everything is fine but many do not know that behind that calmness is a cry that has never been fully expressed.

Before I started this series, I asked anonymous questions about firstborns. I asked people to tell me the pain, the burden, the things they know and have experienced as firstborns or about firstborns and honestly, some of the responses broke me because they confirmed that many firstborns are silently carrying weights nobody talks about.

One person said “If you meet a firstborn, treat them with kindness. They go through a lot more often. As you grow up, maybe starting in your twenties, sometimes you are expected to take the role of your parents before your siblings. Sometimes people or even your family’s expectations are just too much and unbearable.”

That alone explains why many firstborns look older than their age emotionally. Life introduces responsibility too early and before we even fully understand ourselves, we are already understanding everybody else.

Another part of the response said, “More often, firstborns are born when things are tight and experience more difficulty than other siblings. Some of the disadvantages are permanent.” And this is something many firstborns may relate to but rarely say out loud.

Some firstborns experienced the hardest version of their parents’ struggle. They saw the days of lack, they experienced the strictness, they carried responsibilities while parents were still trying to survive and figure life out. Then years later, the younger ones meet a softer version of life, not because the parents hated the firstborn, not because the younger ones are more loved but because the firstborn helped absorb many of the storms. And sometimes, that reality hurts because some firstborns silently mourn the opportunities they lost while trying to help everybody survive.

The response continued and honestly, this particular part touched me deeply, “I remember crying last December as it dawned on me but the Spirit of God promised me Joel 2:25. I even jotted down something about lost years inspired by the Spirit of God.” That sentence carries the hidden tears of many firstborns because sometimes, composure is not peace, it is survival.

You enter rooms looking stable while your mind is exhausted; you advise people while secretly needing help yourself; you keep showing up because life did not give you the luxury of falling apart publicly. And the painful part? People rarely notice when the strong one is bleeding.

Many firstborns have cried privately over lost time, lost opportunities, delayed dreams, emotional exhaustion, and responsibilities we never asked for but had no choice except to carry. Yet, we still keep going.

And sometimes when we finally react, break down, complain, or become emotional, people become shocked. “Why are you behaving like this? You are too strong for this. You should know better.” But strength without rest can become suffering, composure without support can become silent destruction.

Not every composed person is okay. Some people are simply carrying pain gracefully. This is why many firstborns struggle silently because the world applauds our strength while ignores our wounds.

Sometimes, all a firstborn needs is one safe space where we do not have to be the strong one. One place where we can speak without being judged. One environment where we too can be cared for, defended, checked on, and protected because even the one carrying others deserves to be carried sometimes.

And to every firstborn reading this, may Joel 2:25 speak for you too. May God restore the years, the strength, the opportunities, the joy, and the parts of you that responsibility tried to bury.

Because behind many composed firstborns is a cry nobody ever paused long enough to hear.

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To be continued...

I remain my humble self, Oladeji Okikiayo. I am the Father's heart

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THE CHRONICLES OF THE FIRSTBORNS

(The Untold Stories of Silent Shoulders)

10. WHEN OBEDIENCE FEELS LIKE BONDAGE

As I mentioned earlier in one of my previous posts, the Monica movie came at the right time. Honestly, it is one of the best examples I can reference in this series. Because in some homes, they have stopped the lives of firstborns just because they want others to move forward. This was practically demonstrated in the movie titled Monica.

When Monica hoped to get married, when she was finally looking forward to her own life, her mother said it was not the right time because nobody would take care of the siblings. Imagine that! A woman had to pause her own marriage and future because her younger ones wanted to go to school.

And the painful thing is, this is not just a movie. This is reality for many firstborns.

I have seen situations in real life where someone was delayed or denied marriage because the family said the siblings must first finish school. I even heard the story of a lady whose mother was diabolical and used charms to stop her from getting married because according to what was said, if she got married, nobody would take care of the younger ones anymore. Why? Because she was the firstborn. How heartbreaking is that?

You place responsibilities on one child so heavily that their own destiny is paused so others can move forward and most times, those firstborns have no choice but to obey. But that obedience? It feels like bondage. How disheartening it is? Nobody asks the firstborn what they are losing in the process.

As it is said, everyone has their own time to shine. Imagine someone whose season was in the morning, but you delayed that person because you wanted another person to achieve something first and by the time that firstborn is finally “free” to live their own life, opportunities may have passed, strength may have reduced, passion may have died, and destiny may have been delayed.

Many firstborns are trapped in this pit. They have been deprived of their rights because people want them to carry a lifelong luggage of responsibilities.

Please, to every family, every parent, every sibling, and everyone reading this, ENOUGH! Enough of making firstborns feel like prisoners because we chose obedience. Enough of turning responsibility into captivity. Enough of frustrating our lives because you believe we must always sacrifice.

If you have a firstborn around you, send this to them; if you know families tormenting firstborns emotionally, physically, educationally, mentally, psychologically, or any form of "-ally" you know, send this to them too.

And to every firstborn reading this, hear me clearly, I am not saying you should disrespect your parents, I am not saying you should abandon your siblings neither am I saying you should become rebellious but when obedience starts looking like bondage, something is wrong. Do not allow people to trample on your life simply because they want you to keep obeying endlessly. Likewise, do not let guilt destroy your future; do not let “responsibility” become a prison. Rise and rescue yourself too because obedience should never cost you your entire life.

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To be continued...

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THE CHRONICLES OF THE FIRSTBORNS

(The Untold Stories of Silent Shoulders)

9. WHO HEALS THE HEALER OF THE HOUSE?

Weeks before the commencement of this series, I asked anonymous questions. I asked people what they could say about firstborns, everything they know about firstborns and one of the responses I got is what I'll talk about today.

One person said that "Firstborns carry a whole lot of responsibilities, and that it takes the grace of God for many of them to prevail over generational curses."

This is hard, but it is actually true. As it comes positively, so it comes negatively too. Everything about the family, everything about the generation, somehow touches the firstborn first.

Take for instance, in royal families, when there is a throne or title to inherit, it is usually the firstborn that is considered first. The heir to the throne is usually the firstborn. In some families, when a great thing happens, the firstborn is the first representative of that glory but sadly, as the good things of the family come to the firstborn first, so do the negative things too.

Generational battles, generational curses, living in consequences of sins you never committed, living in the aftermath of reckless lives you never lived. Many things happening to some firstborns today are not outrightly because we are dull or because we intentionally chose a bad life. Sometimes, there are deeper battles attached to bloodlines and family patterns.

Check some families very well, look closely at the stories of many firstborns, sometimes our lives are filled with struggles, not because we refused to be good, but because certain family burdens landed on us heavily. And truly, just like that person said, it takes the grace of God.

Now when these things happen, nobody asks the healer of the house, who is usually the firstborn, “How are you surviving this? How are you healing too?” Instead, many people push the firstborn aside and continue living their lives.

Some families are even so harsh that they make the life of the firstborn look like a bad example. Some mothers even say things like, “Don’t live the kind of life your elder brother or sister is living.” Meanwhile, many of those firstborns became who they became because they spent their lives carrying everybody else.

Just like Monica in the movie titled Monica, she was trying for her family. Most of the things she became negatively were connected to family burdens. She could not further her education properly, she could not progress, she could not save money because everybody depended on her. Yet the same mother and siblings mocked her.

Now let us even go to the Bible...

When Joshua conquered Jericho, a curse was spoken concerning rebuilding the city. The Bible later recorded that during the reign of Ahab, a man named Hiel rebuilt Jericho, and according to the word spoken earlier, he lost his firstborn when he laid the foundation, and lost his youngest son when the gates were completed. Now imagine that... That firstborn knew nothing about what was spoken years before his father’s time, yet he became a victim of something connected to his family line.

Why must the firstborn always burn first? Why must we carry things we never started? Firstborn is always the victim of another person’s decision and still, nobody asks the healer of the family (Firstborn) how he or she feels.

Sometimes firstborns will be seriously sick, yet we will ignore our own health just to focus on our siblings. Why? Because many of us were trained to carry others before carrying ourselves.

Even in the Bible again, look at Reuben, the firstborn son of Jacob. Yes, his own actions contributed to what happened to him, but Jacob first praised him deeply, “You are my firstborn, my strength…”

Yet afterward, he lost the blessing attached to that position. Sometimes firstborns are praised for strength, but abandoned in weakness.

Family members, please do not just give birth to children and leave everything on the shoulders of the firstborn. Support your firstborns with prayers, emotionally, spiritually, financially, psychologically, health-wise, business-wise, and in every area of life.

Many firstborns need help more than people realize and this is not a complaint from firstborns or on behalf of firstborns. It is simply something many people are not paying attention to, yet it is silently killing many people.

And to you as a firstborn reading this, please do not only say, “I am the head, I am the leader, nobody can challenge me”, please pray. There are battles ahead that ordinary strength cannot fight. And as there are good things attached to being firstborn, there are also difficult battles attached to it too. And it truly takes the grace of God.

Firstborns, do not sleep spiritually and do not relax carelessly. Pray that God, the main healer, the great Physician, will heal you from every burden, every battle, every inherited pain, and every wound nobody sees.

I love you all and I am rooting for you.

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To be continued...

I remain my humble self, Oladeji Okikiayo. I am the Father's heart

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THE CHRONICLES OF THE FIRSTBORNS

(The Untold Stories of Silent Shoulders)

8. THE PROTECTOR WHO RARELY GETS PROTECTED

There is a pain many firstborns understand too well, the pain of being everybody’s shield while standing unshielded.

Many times, when a younger sibling is being bullied, beaten, cheated, or disrespected, it is usually the firstborn that rises to stand in the gap. The firstborn becomes the defender, the protector, the voice and the shield. We fight for our siblings like they are our own children sometimes but the painful part is when that same firstborn is the one being bullied, insulted, cheated, or drowning silently, it is very rare to see someone stand up for us because people believe “He/She is strong, he/she is older, they can handle it, etc”

And that mindset has damaged many firstborns emotionally. They see our strength and assume we do not get tired; they hear our boldness and assume nothing hurts us; they watch us survive and suddenly survival becomes the only thing they expect from us.

Nobody asks who protects the protector. Yes, there are some younger siblings who genuinely protect and defend their firstborns because they hate seeing them disrespected or cheated. Those ones exist, and they should be appreciated deeply but if we are being honest, it is rare - very rare.

Most firstborns become the “go-to” people in the family. The second born can go to the firstborn for help, the third born can ask the firstborn for support, even the lastborn feels comfortable running to the firstborn. Everybody can lean on the firstborn but when it is the firstborn’s turn to need help, things suddenly become complicated.

Many firstborns do not even know how to ask for help not because we do not need help, but because society has made us feel ashamed for needing it. People will say, “Ah ah, how can he/she be asking her younger ones for help? Isn’t he/she the older sibling? Shouldn’t he/she be the one giving them?”

They do not see the private sacrifices, they do not see the silent giving, they do not see the responsibilities carried quietly behind closed doors. People only notice when the firstborn finally lacks and because of that, many firstborns suffer in silence. Some would rather break quietly than ask openly.

The firstborn is usually trained to absorb pressure quietly because we are expected to understand more, endure more, sacrifice more, forgive more, and still smile through it all. Childhood ended early because responsibility arrived early. And while others were being comforted, the firstborn was already learning how to comfort people. And because we mastered strength people stopped offering us care.

But hear this clearly, strong people bleed too. Strong people get overwhelmed too. Strong people also need soft places to land. That is why whenever a firstborn finally gathers the courage to ask for help, please do not mock us, do not see it as weakness. Rather, see it as courage because for many firstborns, asking for help is usually the last option after overthinking, emotional battles, silent struggles, sleepless nights, and trying every possible way to survive alone.

If a firstborn comes to you for help, understand that it took deep humility and deep internal battles before speaking up. The protector also needs protection too. The one pouring into others also needs to be poured into. The one covering others also deserves covering too.

And this is also a message to firstborns, please protect yourselves too. Do not help people blindly until you become stranded emotionally, mentally, financially, spiritually, and physically.

Many firstborns were raised to save everybody while abandoning themselves but that should not continue. Protect your peace, your mental health, your finances and your heart because if the one carrying everybody collapses, many people will suddenly realize they were standing because of you.

And to those who have firstborns around them, please stop treating us like machines that exist only to provide solutions. Check on us too, defend us too, support us too, cover them too because sometimes, the strongest person in the room is silently praying for someone to protect them, even for once.

The one who fills others should be filled too...

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To be continued...

I remain my humble self, Oladeji Okikiayo. I am the Father's heart

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THE CHRONICLES OF THE FIRSTBORNS

(The Untold Stories of Silent Shoulders)

7. WHEN LOVE LOOKS LIKE SACRIFICE

One thing many firstborns will rarely say out loud is this...

Sometimes, the way we were taught to love was through sacrifice; not ordinary sacrifice but sacrifice that slowly becomes a lifestyle. Sacrifice that makes you forget yourself while trying to remember everybody else.

From a young age, many firstborns are introduced to responsibility in the name of love. You love your siblings? Sacrifice for them. You love your parents? Endure for them. You love your family? Give up something for them and before long, love and suffering begin to look alike. You start feeling guilty for choosing yourself, you feel selfish for resting too. You overexplain your decisions because you are used to carrying people along.

You deny yourself things you can afford because your mind has been trained to think about others first. Sometimes, firstborns become so used to sacrificing that we no longer know where responsibility ends and self-neglect begins.

That is why many firstborns struggle silently. Not because we hate helping. In fact, we genuinely love deeply. The problem is that we were conditioned to believe that love must always cost us something like our comfort, time, dreams, peace, happiness, emotions, sometimes even our identity.

Many firstborns have postponed their own lives trying to stabilize everybody else’s life. And some of us could not enjoy our youth because we became backup parents too early. Some entered survival mode so deeply that even when help finally comes, they still feel uncomfortable receiving because they are used to being the giver, the fixer, the responsible one, the dependable one, and the painful part is that people easily get used to the sacrifices of firstborns. So used to it that they stop noticing it.

What was once “thank you” slowly becomes expectation. What was once appreciated slowly becomes entitlement. And the firstborn keeps giving, not because we are okay, but because we do not want things to fall apart.

In addition to all these, there is another painful truth many firstborns carry in silence...

Sometimes, the love firstborns receive does not even feel genuine, it feels transactional because many firstborns have noticed this pattern... The loudest “I love you” often comes after sacrifice, after providing help, after solving a problem, after sending money, after standing in the gap, after carrying responsibilities and it is very rare to see people simply love the firstborn for existing.

Very rare to hear, “I appreciate you,” without attachment to what we have done; very rare to see people check on the firstborn without needing something and that pain is heavy.

Because after a while, the firstborn begins to wonder, “If I stop sacrificing, will this love still remain? If I become weak, will people still stay? If I can no longer provide help, support, strength, or solutions, will I still matter here?”

Nobody should have to earn love through constant exhaustion; nobody should feel like affection is a payment for performance. Love should not only appear when sacrifice appears.

This is a challenge to everyone reading this, love your firstborns genuinely, appreciate them genuinely. Do not let your “I love you” only come alive when they have done something for you; do not make them feel like they must bleed before they are valued; do not let the love they receive become transactional because many firstborns are loved for usefulness, not for themselves and it should not be so.

Check on us too; pray for us too; support us too; pour into us too; celebrate us beyond what we can offer because even the strong ones get tired.

And to the firstborns reading this, love yourself genuinely too. Do not abandon yourself trying to save everybody else, do not overburden yourself with sacrifices that are slowly breaking you.

Know this, without you, others may still find alternatives, without you, people may still find help elsewhere, without you, others may still survive but you need you to be you. You need you to become you, you need you to stay mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically whole because if you lose yourself completely while trying to carry everybody, who then carries you?

Yes, sacrifice is noble, responsibility is beautiful but you were not created to only exist as a burden-bearer for everybody else. You are human too, you deserve genuine love too, not only the kind that appears after sacrifice, not only the kind that is tied to usefulness.

But the kind that says, “Even when you are tired, even when you have nothing left to give, even when you are weak, you are still loved.”

If you have watched the movie "Monica", then you may understand this piece better and if you have not watched it, you can search for it on YouTube on Uche’s TV.

One thing that stood out in the life of Monica was that no matter how harsh the words were, no matter how abusive the treatment was, no matter how heavy the burden placed on her became, the moment Monica brought out money, the atmosphere changed.

Suddenly, she was praised, appreciated and the same person carrying pain became valuable again but once there was no sacrifice to offer or once there was no money or once there was nothing left to give, the harsh words returned, the pressure returned, the emotional weight returned and sadly, that is the reality of many firstborns.

The love we receive is sometimes tied to what we can provide, our value is measured by our sacrifice, our importance is attached to usefulness and that is not genuine love.

Love should not only appear when there is something to gain because appreciation should not only come after suffering.

Firstborns deserve to be loved beyond responsibility, sacrifice, provision, and usefulness. So to every family, every sibling, every parent, and everyone reading this, please, love your firstborns genuinely, not only when they give, sacrifice or rescue everybody.

Love them while they are tired too. Love them when they have nothing left to offer too. Love them as humans, not as survival machines.

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To be continued...

I remain my humble self, Oladeji Okikiayo. I am the Father's heart

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THE CHRONICLES OF THE FIRSTBORNS

(The Untold Stories of Silent Shoulders)

6. THE UNSEEN BURDEN OF BEING THE FIRST

There is a burden that does not make noise, a weight that does not announce itself. A responsibility that is not always spoken but heavily felt. That is the burden of being the first.

Being the first is not just a position, it is not just a title you carry because you came before others, it is a life many of us grew into without preparation.

As a child, what I grew up hearing from both parents was “Be careful what you do, your siblings are looking at you and the way you live is how your siblings will live.” The message was clear, I am being watched.

If I do something right, “Well done, at least your siblings will learn something good from you.” And if I do something wrong, I am not just corrected, I am questioned, “Is this the example you want to set for your siblings? Is this how you want them to live?”

As firstborn, you grow with awareness, not just of yourself but of everyone watching you. Even when your parents are not at home,
you become the manager of the house. You lead the stubborn ones, you guide the soft ones, you settle disputes and you maintain order. When things go wrong, before anyone else is called out, the firstborn is blamed; before corrections go round, the weight comes on your head first. That is part of the unseen burden.

Though, it comes with pride, let me not deny that. In some homes like mine, the older you are, the bigger your portion. If something is being shared, you are considered first, if something good happens, your place is recognized. So, are responsibilities.

This hit so hard, I remember when my dad said, “I thank God for the kind of life you are living, my prayer is that your siblings will take after you.” That statement is more than a prayer, it is a crown. It means my life is being used as a reference. It means I am living a life worthy of emulation and that alone carries weight.

Meanwhile, it does not stop there; there are many lives I would have loved to explore but I could not. There are things I would have loved to wear, places I would have loved to go, choices I would have loved to make but I had to pause and ask myself, “Is this a life worthy of emulation? If my siblings meet me here, can I boldly tell them to do the same? Will I be proud if they follow this path?” And if the answer is no, I step back. Not because I do not want to live, but because I am carrying others in my decisions. That is the unseen part people don’t talk about about firstborns - the constant thinking; the constant checking; the constant adjusting.

Being the first is not a complaint, let me say that again, it is never a complaint and it is not me wishing I was not the first. No! It is an honor but it is also a weight.

And all I am saying is do not add unnecessary burdens to the firstborn. Do not just say, “She is older” or “He is older” and place everything on our shoulders. There are responsibilities we will naturally carry but there are others we are not meant to carry alone.

There are burdens we cannot even explain to people, do not add to it.

To every firstborn reading this, kudos to you. Well done. I give you your flowers because it is not easy to be the first, yet you are the first and you are still standing; you are still showing up, you are still holding things together.

I see you. And I say this with all my heart, never give up because you are going somewhere.

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To be continued...

I remain my humble self, Oladeji Okikiayo. I am the Father's heart

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THE CHRONICLES OF THE FIRSTBORNS

(The Untold Stories of Silent Shoulders)

4. THE WEIGHT WE NEVER ASKED FOR

There are things we are carrying today that nobody officially handed over to us. No ceremony. No conversation.No consent. Just a silent transfer of responsibility that happened somewhere between growing up and “you are the eldest.”

One day, you were just a child. The next day, you became an option; an option for sacrifice, an option for responsibility, an option for strength and the painful part is nobody paused to ask if you were ready. They just assumed you would be. So you adjusted, you stretched yourself, you started holding things you did not even understand; family expectations, emotional burdens, unspoken responsibilities that kept increasing without explanation.

Some years back, I knew a family, they called it structure (smiles). They sat down and shared responsibilities, who would handle what, who would fund what. They assigned what the father would finance. They assigned what the mother would finance. And then, they assigned responsibilities to the firstborn, a girl who was still supposed to be cared for, still supposed to be provided for, they gave her bills to pay and yes, it is their family. No one has the right to control how another home is run.

But pause for a moment and look at that young girl, imagine the weight
she never asked for but was placed on her shoulders. She was still in school but after school hours, she would go out to work, and sell petty things online. Not because she wanted to learn responsibility but because she had to survive expectations. She searched for anything she could do,
just to meet up with the bills her parents handed over to her. And guess what? It got to a point she could no longer keep up, she started begging. She begged people physically. She begged people online without the consent of her parents.

The parents saw money coming in and assumed it was from the little work she was doing, not knowing that their child
was drowning quietly, stretching her hands to strangers just to carry a weight they placed on her.

Firstborns are always given weights we never asked for, weights we were not prepared for. A child you are supposed to take care of is now the one taking care of the family, taking care of siblings, trying to hold everything together. That shouldn’t be.

Parents, please abate that mindset, kill that habit, it is not good. Do not kill your firstborn with responsibilities. And to every firstborn reading this, if you are in that position, please, let people know your limits. Do not kill yourself for anybody because if anything happens to you today (God forbid), life will still move on. That pressure you are carrying, they will find another way.

This is not me saying
you should not help your parents, this is not me saying you should not support your siblings but hear this clearly, do not do things
at the expense of your peace, your comfort, your mental health. You matter too.

And to those who have firstborns around them, please ease the burden. The weight you place on us is heavier than it looks. Save a firstborn today.

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To be continued...

I remain my humble self, Oladeji Okikiayo. I am the Father's heart

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THE CHRONICLES OF THE FIRSTBORNS

(The Untold Stories of Silent Shoulders)

3. DON’T KILL THE ONE WHO COVERS YOU

If there is anything that can summarize what I am trying to say, the movie "Monica" already said it. Kudos to the cast and crew.

Don’t misinterpret me, I am not here to advertise anything but truth be told, that movie tells a deep story about firstborns. In fact, it is one of the resources I needed at this point because many families are being held together by the very ones they are slowly breaking. The ones who cover them - The firstborn.

When burden shows up, it finds the firstborn first. When responsibility calls, it calls our names louder. When parents are unable or stretched, the firstborn steps forward and says, “Let me handle it.” When there is fire, and no one is ready to go in, the firstborn becomes the one who enters like a sacrificed lamb.

But listen carefully, don’t kill the one who covers you. If you overburden your firstborn, and one day he or she breaks beyond repair, yes, life may go on but there is a kind of scar that never leaves a family. And the worst scars are not the ones you see, they are the ones that sit quietly in the heart.

Look closely at many families, some are shining, some are comfortable, some are even flourishing but go and check the firstborn, many of them are still struggling silently while nobody is asking questions.

I heard of a man who liquidated his entire company just to take care of his sick father. He sold everything, profits, savings, all he had because he was the first son. The responsibility fell on him but the father eventually passed. The business collapsed and that man had to start life again from the lowest point. Meanwhile, he had siblings; he was the one sponsoring their education. He was the one carrying what should have been shared.

So tell me, if you kill the one who covers you, what remains? You may not see it immediately, you may even think what they (the firstborns) are doing is not enough because it is not loud, not flashy, not “perfect” in your eyes but the day that covering is no longer there, you will feel it deeply and viscerally.

And you know what? Some regrets don’t find healing. Don’t overstress the one who is already stretched. Don’t demand from the one who is already giving beyond capacity. Don’t silently drain the one who is silently saving everyone because many firstborns are alive but they are not living. Emotionally drained. Spiritually tired. Financially stretched. Psychologically worn. Walking but heavy within. Smiling but carrying weight you may never fully understand.

This is not to paint anything red; this is not to accuse. This is truth.

Gather a hundred firstborns, sit them down. Listen to them. You will hardly find one who has not carried a burden that felt too heavy for their season. Why? Because somewhere along the line, strength became our language, sacrifice became our identity, and silence became our coping mechanism.

...but even the one who covers, needs to be covered too.

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To be continued...

I remain my humble self, Oladeji Okikiayo. I am the Father's heart

© Oladeji Okikiayo
linktr.ee/okikiayoshub

2 months ago | [YT] | 1

Okikiayo's Hub

THE CHRONICLES OF THE FIRSTBORNS

(The Untold Stories of Silent Shoulders)

2. WHEN STRENGTH BECOMES A SURVIVAL SKILL

Like I said in my previous notes, this series, "The Chronicles of the Firstborns" is not a complaint at all.

As firstborns, we are divinely called. It is God who anointed us from above. And if there is anyone that has been called, truly, deeply called, even before our birth, it is the firstborns. But then, life happens and strength stops being a virtue; it becomes a survival skill.

There are moments when firstborns are breaking, yet gathering ourselves at the same time because there is no other option.

I remember a time, one of those years, when I was nurturing our lastborn. She was so sick to the extent that it was only God who saved her. We prayed, we held on to faith, we stayed positive but if I am being honest, there were moments we didn’t think she would survive. At that same time, I was writing my examinations in school.

There was nobody to turn to. Our father had to keep going to work so we could eat and live. Our mother was not physically present not because she is a bad person, never that, but because life demanded her absence at that moment. So I stepped in and I was breaking, quietly.

There was no space to fall apart. No room to say, “I can’t do this" because aside from the lastborn, there were others looking up to me, just like many firstborns understand too well.

That strength you see? Most times, it is not because we have it. It is because it has become a survival skill. If we don’t do it, nobody will. If we don’t hold it together, things may fall apart. If we don’t show up, lapses will show and somehow, even then, we may still be blamed without being asked if we even knew how to carry it in the first place. Without being told well done for the little you’ve done. So we keep going.

But families… please, don’t let strength become the survival skill of the firstborn. We are humans too. We feel. We break. We get tired. We just learned how not to show it too early.

And to the firstborn reading this, be relieved, your voice will be heard and you will be treated differently henceforth.

You may need to join my Whatsapp channel for the previous entries whatsapp.com/channel/0029VaDKF2W2ZjCgVtFIzc3T

To be continued...

I remain my humble self, Oladeji Okikiayo. I am the Father's heart

© Oladeji Okikiayo
linktr.ee/okikiayoshub

2 months ago | [YT] | 1