I don’t really know how to write this without it falling apart halfway through, so I’m just going to be honest...
After 15 years, I’m stepping away.
I’ve been trying to keep everything together for a long time, and I think I’ve finally reached the point where I can’t pretend anymore that I’m okay doing it.
After losing my hero (Grandad) im just lost, and I don't even see the point in living without him.
Most people know me for what they’ve seen. The work, the moments, the version of me that showed up when it mattered. What I never really found a way to talk about is what it’s been like inside all of that.
I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for years. Not in a dramatic, visible way most of the time, just a constant weight that never fully went away. Some days it was quiet enough to ignore. On other days, it made everything feel distant, like I was watching my own life unfold instead of living it.
There were times I’d sit in a room full of people and feel completely alone. Times I’d laugh and then immediately wonder why I couldn’t feel that same thing when I was by myself. And over time, that gap just got harder to bridge.
To my family, thank you for staying close even when I wasn’t easy to reach. I know I pulled away more than I should have. I know I didn’t always explain what was going on because I didn’t fully understand it myself. I’m sorry for that.
To my fans, you gave me something real, so much to hold onto when I didn’t feel very real myself. On days when I felt like I was running on nothing, your support still somehow meant something. I don’t think I ever said that clearly enough, but I needed it more than I let on.
I’m not angry. I’m not blaming anything or anyone. I’m just tired in a way that sleep doesn’t fix.
I need to stop performing strength that I don’t feel. I need to stop pretending I can keep pushing through without it catching up to me.
So I’m stepping away for now...
Not because everything is resolved. Not because I’ve figured things out.
But because I haven’t.
And I think I finally need to give myself the chance to try, without the noise, without the pressure, without being seen.
I don’t know what happens next. I’m scared of that, honestly. But staying here like this isn’t working anymore either.
Thank you for 15 years of my life so far. <3
I mean that more than I’ve ever been able to say out loud.
My new album, Resurface, just hit #4 Best-Selling Synthwave Album on Bandcamp!
This is only possible because of all of you guys! Thank you so much for the amazing support so far!
With your help, I know we can push this all the way to the #1 spot! Every share, every listen, and every purchase makes a huge difference. Let’s make it happen together!
I want to take a moment to address some concerns that have been raised about the merch pre-orders. First, I completely understand the frustration about delays, and I take full responsibility for not keeping you updated as often as I should have.
To clarify: the merch is still coming, and nothing has changed in terms of my intention to fulfil every single order. While things have taken longer than expected, I’m aiming to start shipping and sending out all orders around August/September. I held off on announcing that timeline earlier because I didn’t want it to seem like I was giving another excuse.
The truth is, the past year has been incredibly difficult for me personally. I won’t go into too much detail, but there have been major setbacks, including my official website being hijacked, ongoing mental health struggles, and other behind-the-scenes issues that made it hard to keep up with everything or have any online presence until I was ready, hence be working again and posting on YouTube. I haven’t been on social media for a long time, and I likely won’t be again, for personal reasons and my mental well-being. That said, I’m not ignoring anyone. The best way for me to stay connected with you all going forward is through YouTube, and I’ll be more active here moving forward.
Thank you all for your continued patience and understanding. It truly means the world.
I'm aware of this, and I'm trying to resolve this asap. Apple are being very hard to contact, and Distrokid take about 10 years to get back to you. So, I'm doing my best, guys. I do apologise for this. If I have to, I may take down the release and reupload. But I will keep you all updated.
I know I’ve been a bit quiet lately, and I want to apologize for the sudden silence. I had to take a break from the net to recharge, but the good news is I’ve been hard at work on my next release. I’m excited to share that it will be an EP, and I’m aiming to drop it in November!
Also, if you’re interested, I still have vinyl on sale, with shipping expected by the end of August! To everyone who supported me a few months ago, your names are proudly credited on the back. 🙌
I’ll be releasing the instrumental version of LOST soon, and I’ll be more active online, with live streams coming your way very soon. Your support means the world to me, and I’m truly grateful. Thank you for sticking with me!
Kalax
I don’t really know how to write this without it falling apart halfway through, so I’m just going to be honest...
After 15 years, I’m stepping away.
I’ve been trying to keep everything together for a long time, and I think I’ve finally reached the point where I can’t pretend anymore that I’m okay doing it.
After losing my hero (Grandad) im just lost, and I don't even see the point in living without him.
Most people know me for what they’ve seen. The work, the moments, the version of me that showed up when it mattered. What I never really found a way to talk about is what it’s been like inside all of that.
I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for years. Not in a dramatic, visible way most of the time, just a constant weight that never fully went away. Some days it was quiet enough to ignore. On other days, it made everything feel distant, like I was watching my own life unfold instead of living it.
There were times I’d sit in a room full of people and feel completely alone. Times I’d laugh and then immediately wonder why I couldn’t feel that same thing when I was by myself. And over time, that gap just got harder to bridge.
To my family, thank you for staying close even when I wasn’t easy to reach. I know I pulled away more than I should have. I know I didn’t always explain what was going on because I didn’t fully understand it myself. I’m sorry for that.
To my fans, you gave me something real, so much to hold onto when I didn’t feel very real myself. On days when I felt like I was running on nothing, your support still somehow meant something. I don’t think I ever said that clearly enough, but I needed it more than I let on.
I’m not angry. I’m not blaming anything or anyone. I’m just tired in a way that sleep doesn’t fix.
I need to stop performing strength that I don’t feel. I need to stop pretending I can keep pushing through without it catching up to me.
So I’m stepping away for now...
Not because everything is resolved. Not because I’ve figured things out.
But because I haven’t.
And I think I finally need to give myself the chance to try, without the noise, without the pressure, without being seen.
I don’t know what happens next. I’m scared of that, honestly. But staying here like this isn’t working anymore either.
Thank you for 15 years of my life so far. <3
I mean that more than I’ve ever been able to say out loud.
Lee
1 week ago | [YT] | 1,374
View 336 replies
Kalax
Still number 1, Guys!! <3
Let's keep the momentum! <3
kalax.bandcamp.com/album/resurface
--Kal
X
8 months ago | [YT] | 230
View 13 replies
Kalax
THANK YOU!!!!! <3
WE made it to number 1 on Bandcamp!!!
<3
9 months ago | [YT] | 240
View 11 replies
Kalax
Almost guys!! :O x
9 months ago | [YT] | 233
View 5 replies
Kalax
My new album, Resurface, just hit #4 Best-Selling Synthwave Album on Bandcamp!
This is only possible because of all of you guys! Thank you so much for the amazing support so far!
With your help, I know we can push this all the way to the #1 spot! Every share, every listen, and every purchase makes a huge difference. Let’s make it happen together!
Download/Listen here: kalax.bandcamp.com/album/resurface
Love,
Kal
9 months ago (edited) | [YT] | 163
View 6 replies
Kalax
Hey all!
Let’s rewind for a sec… Who remembers “A Summer Dream” and “Dance 'Til Dawn”, released in 2013/14?
Well… I’ve got something in the works for the new album that hits those same vibes, but bigger, bolder, and even MORE Kalax-ish! Haha.
You’re not ready for this one…✨
Just a little reminder of what they sounded like if you never got to hear them before, here are the links to the videos.
Dance 'Til Dawn - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vZ5vE...
A Summer Dream - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNW4n...
I wanna make something awesome to dance to!
Best.
Kal
9 months ago | [YT] | 111
View 6 replies
Kalax
Hello,
I want to take a moment to address some concerns that have been raised about the merch pre-orders. First, I completely understand the frustration about delays, and I take full responsibility for not keeping you updated as often as I should have.
To clarify: the merch is still coming, and nothing has changed in terms of my intention to fulfil every single order. While things have taken longer than expected, I’m aiming to start shipping and sending out all orders around August/September. I held off on announcing that timeline earlier because I didn’t want it to seem like I was giving another excuse.
The truth is, the past year has been incredibly difficult for me personally. I won’t go into too much detail, but there have been major setbacks, including my official website being hijacked, ongoing mental health struggles, and other behind-the-scenes issues that made it hard to keep up with everything or have any online presence until I was ready, hence be working again and posting on YouTube. I haven’t been on social media for a long time, and I likely won’t be again, for personal reasons and my mental well-being. That said, I’m not ignoring anyone. The best way for me to stay connected with you all going forward is through YouTube, and I’ll be more active here moving forward.
Thank you all for your continued patience and understanding. It truly means the world.
-Kal
X
9 months ago | [YT] | 263
View 40 replies
Kalax
Apple Music / iTunes issue:
I'm aware of this, and I'm trying to resolve this asap. Apple are being very hard to contact, and Distrokid take about 10 years to get back to you. So, I'm doing my best, guys. I do apologise for this. If I have to, I may take down the release and reupload. But I will keep you all updated.
Love,
Kal
X
1 year ago | [YT] | 135
View 10 replies
Kalax
ONLY 32* LP'S LEFT!!
THANK YOU, GUYS! LET'S GET THESE SOLD OUT IN TIME FOR SHIPPING! :D
Thank you all for your constant support, it really goes a long way and helps me to continue to focus on my passion, making music for you guys!
Support here - www.iamkalax.com/shop/kalax-lost-2xlp-1st-press-li…
Let's do this! <3
Much Love
-Kal
1 year ago (edited) | [YT] | 77
View 6 replies
Kalax
Hey everyone, Kal here!
I know I’ve been a bit quiet lately, and I want to apologize for the sudden silence. I had to take a break from the net to recharge, but the good news is I’ve been hard at work on my next release. I’m excited to share that it will be an EP, and I’m aiming to drop it in November!
Also, if you’re interested, I still have vinyl on sale, with shipping expected by the end of August! To everyone who supported me a few months ago, your names are proudly credited on the back. 🙌
I’ll be releasing the instrumental version of LOST soon, and I’ll be more active online, with live streams coming your way very soon. Your support means the world to me, and I’m truly grateful. Thank you for sticking with me!
www.iamkalax.com/shop/kalax-lost-2xlp-1st-press-li…
Love,
Kal
X
1 year ago | [YT] | 306
View 19 replies
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