Life After Normal

Early Retirement Reason Number 412

If your employer calls the company a 'family,' run. Real families don't replace you on LinkedIn three days after you leave.

5 minutes ago | [YT] | 0

Life After Normal

Today EMSUM announced that one of the primary goals of retirement is to become extremely difficult to locate on a Wednesday afternoon.

The ruling follows years of cultural confusion in which retirement success has been measured by increasingly suspicious indicators: a larger house, a newer SUV, a nicer watch, and enough patio furniture to host a regional sales conference.

EMSUM rejects this standard.

The goal is not to look rich. The goal is to have someone text, “Where are you?” at 2:17 p.m. on a Wednesday and honestly have no useful answer.

You might be at a lake. You might be in Spain. You might be three towns over eating pie because the sign said “World Famous” and apparently that was enough research. You may be sitting in a folding chair beside your RV doing absolutely nothing while wearing the expression of a man who has defeated Outlook Calendar.

This is not laziness. This is asset reallocation.

For decades, your most valuable possession was your time, and almost all of it was pre-sold. Retirement is the part where you finally get some of it back. EMSUM recommends spending that time irresponsibly on curiosity, detours, naps, odd hobbies, questionable road trips, and activities that produce no measurable return whatsoever.

While AARP can continue helping you save fifteen percent on a hotel room, EMSUM merely asks whether anybody knows what city you’re in.

The official position of the Society is therefore clear: wealth may be useful, but invisibility is the better flex.

If your former coworkers cannot determine whether you are fishing, traveling, sleeping, or attending a llama festival two states away, retirement is proceeding within acceptable parameters.

Legal notice: EMSUM does not recommend becoming literally unfindable, especially by spouses, emergency personnel, or anyone currently holding your dessert. Individuals prone to wandering should continue carrying identification, a charged phone, and enough cash to explain themselves.

Marketing notice: Swag is available at emsum.org/

1 day ago | [YT] | 0

Life After Normal

EMSUM Asks: How do you prefer to watch YouTube?

2 days ago | [YT] | 1

Life After Normal

Today EMSUM announced that beige is no longer the official color of aging.

The ruling follows a lengthy investigation into windbreakers, elastic-waist slacks, white socks with sandals, and shirts purchased during the Reagan administration but still described by their owners as “perfectly good.”

EMSUM researchers found that many adults do not consciously begin dressing like their parents. It happens gradually. First comes one practical jacket. Then a pair of shoes selected entirely for arch support. Before long, a person is standing in a parking lot wearing a tan windbreaker, khaki shorts, tube socks, and the exact expression their father made while complaining about restaurant prices.

Comfort is not the enemy. The Society recognizes that retirement should not require shapewear, complicated buttons, or shoes designed by people openly hostile to toes. But comfort and surrender are not the same thing. A garment may be soft, washable, and capable of accommodating a buffet without also making its owner look prepared to inspect a municipal water meter.

AARP may continue helping older adults locate insurance options and sensible discounts. EMSUM’s role is narrower: reminding the public that a person can understand Medicare and still own a shirt visible from space.

The official EMSUM position is that no article of clothing should remain in service solely because it survived 1987. Adults are encouraged to wear colors, patterns, jackets with shape, shoes that do not resemble medical equipment, and anything else that suggests they may have plans after lunch.

White socks and sandals remain legal. They are simply no longer protected from comment.

Legal notice: EMSUM does not recommend discarding clothing that still fits, especially if replacement garments would require entering a fitting room under fluorescent lighting. Do not wear bright colors if you are allergic to attention, compliments, or relatives asking whether you are “going through something.”

Marketing notice: Swag is available at emsum.org/

3 days ago | [YT] | 1

Life After Normal

Driving The Huckleberry through Kansas the other day when I saw this billboard. And the only answer I had was ... "Kansas?".

Man that state is devoid of excitement. And fueling stations.

4 days ago | [YT] | 1

Life After Normal

Things Have Changed

Not here on YouTube ... although maybe just a bit ... but elsewhere. Patreon to be specific. It's now closed and I have no idea when or if it will reopen.

I am a one man operation. The king, dishwasher, and sole proprietor of EMSUM and its vast empire. (I say with an almost straight face). And there are only so many hours I can put into it.

I want growth. I want to share the message of unconventional retirement. And in order to do that ... I have to focus 100% here on YouTube. On making videos. On interacting with you.

So I'm shutting down Patreon and YouTube Memberships. Putting all of my creative energy here and here alone. It's a difficult decision since I do have a number of folks over there ... but one does what one has to do.

Nothing here on the channel is changing. Quite the opposite. With all of my extra time I can focus on better content for you.

So ... whew. That's that. Sometimes you have to give up something in order to get something better I suppose.

5 days ago | [YT] | 1

Life After Normal

Today EMSUM announced that while AARP will surely continue selling retirement insurance policies under the guise of caring, EMSUM will continue to concentrate on living life with a purpose.

The decision follows a comparative review of America’s two major approaches to later life.

AARP offers discounts, insurance information, health guidance, financial education, and enough carefully targeted mail to make every birthday feel like a low-grade administrative emergency.

EMSUM offers no discounts whatsoever, but remains strongly in favor of leaving the house.

To be clear, traditional retirement organizations can be useful. Medicare is complicated. Insurance matters. Fraud is real. Prescription costs can cause previously peaceful citizens to begin speaking in tongues. Somebody should explain these things, preferably using a font large enough to survive cataracts.

EMSUM’s concern is what happens after the paperwork is complete.

Once you have compared supplemental plans, checked your blood pressure, installed the bathroom "dear god don't let me fall" railing, and confirmed that your cholesterol remains legally classified as a number, are you still permitted to do anything interesting?

AARP often appears to ask, “How can we help you remain safe?”

EMSUM asks, “Safe for what?”

The Society believes adulthood after 50 should include more than preventing loss. It should include creating something worth protecting: travel, bad hobbies, loud clothing, new relationships, unusual homes, unfinished projects, unnecessary detours, and stories that cannot be summarized as “the buffet was surprisingly reasonable.”

This is not a competition. AARP can help members secure a hotel discount. EMSUM will ask why they booked the same hotel near the same interstate exit for the ninth consecutive year.

The official EMSUM position is that conventional retirement guidance should remain available for anyone who needs it. But after the forms are signed and the sensible shoes are tied, people should be reminded that staying alive and actually living are separate departments.

Legal notice: EMSUM is not affiliated with AARP and has not been authorized to inspect its tote bags, insurance brochures, or restaurant discounts. Individuals experiencing useful benefits from established retirement organizations should continue taking them as directed, unless enjoyment lasts longer than four hours.

Marketing notice: Swag is available at emsum.org/

6 days ago | [YT] | 1

Life After Normal

Today EMSUM announced that it supports Americans living in other countries, provided they begin with supervised exposure.

The ruling follows a sharp increase in reports of otherwise capable adults arriving overseas and discovering that breakfast may not include eggs, coffee may arrive in a cup the size of a thimble, and stores sometimes close precisely when a customer has finally decided what they need.

EMSUM supports expat living. Leaving the United States can expand perspective, lower expenses, improve daily life, and reveal that civilization continues even when nobody nearby accepts a coupon.

However, the Society acknowledges that adaptation can be difficult for people raised to believe ice is a human right and dinner should begin before the evening news.

To ease the transition, the Department of International Adjustment recommends gradual acclimation. During Week One, Americans should practice walking to places voluntarily. During Week Two, they may attempt eating bread without requesting twelve condiment options. By Week Three, advanced participants can try standing in a line without asking why no one has opened another register.

Dietary adaptation should also proceed carefully. Do not immediately replace mayonnaise with foie gras. Begin by accepting that cheese may have a smell, meat may include parts with names, and a sandwich does not require the structural engineering of a small municipal building.

Language mistakes are expected. Pointing, smiling, and apologizing badly remain internationally recognized forms of diplomacy. The important step is to stop assuming that anything unfamiliar is being done incorrectly merely because it is not being done in English near a parking lot.

The official EMSUM position is that becoming an expat does not require rejecting America, pretending to be European, or purchasing a scarf with intellectual ambitions. It requires curiosity, patience, humility, and the willingness to discover that your preferred way of doing things is only one of several billion available options.

Legal notice: EMSUM does not guarantee that foreign coffee will be large, stores will remain open, or local residents will appreciate your explanation of how things work back home. Do not consume foie gras if you are allergic to foie gras, opposed to foie gras, or still emotionally processing mayonnaise.

Marketing notice: Swag is available at emsum.org/

1 week ago | [YT] | 1

Life After Normal

Today EMSUM announced that the gold watch was never the reward. It was the warning.

For generations, loyal employees were expected to surrender several decades to a company, attend meetings about future meetings, and postpone their actual lives until someone from Human Resources handed them a small engraved clock at a retirement luncheon.

The message was clear: congratulations on finally owning your time. Here is a device that measures how little of it remains.

The Mystic Society of Unconventional Men has reviewed this arrangement and found it suspicious. A watch presented after forty years of service is less a gift than a receipt. It confirms that your employer successfully rented your Mondays, your attention, and several functioning vertebrae, then returned you to yourself with cake.

EMSUM does not oppose employment. Work pays bills, builds skills, creates friendships, and occasionally provides access to a printer large enough for personal projects. What we oppose is the belief that life begins only after someone else decides you have completed your required sentence.

You do not need to quit tomorrow, buy a bus, or announce a spiritual awakening during the quarterly earnings call. But you should stop treating freedom as a retirement benefit.

Take the trip. Start the project. Wear the alarming shirt. Use some of your good years before they become the stories you tell about what you almost did.

The official EMSUM position is that no company should be permitted to issue your first meaningful permission slip. Keep the paycheck if you need it. Keep the job if you enjoy it. But do not wait for their watch before checking the time.

Legal notice: EMSUM does not recommend abandoning employment, pensions, health insurance, or workplace property merely because this announcement made you emotional. Do not remove the office printer unless you have written authorization or unusually strong upper-body support.

Marketing notice: Swag is available at emsum.org/

1 week ago | [YT] | 1

Life After Normal

THE OFFICIAL WORD
August 1, 2026 — Department of Age-Inappropriate Conduct

Today EMSUM announced that “acting your age” is no longer a binding requirement.

After reviewing decades of unsolicited advice from relatives, advertisers, physicians, neighbors, and one deeply concerned woman at a buffet, The Mystic Society of Unconventional Men has determined that age is useful information but a terrible set of instructions.

Under the new policy, adults may wear loud clothing, start questionable hobbies, travel without forming a committee, learn to skateboard badly, fall in love, change careers, move into vehicles, dance in public, and purchase objects that make their children whisper, “We need to talk about Dad.”

EMSUM acknowledges that age brings certain realities. Knees may object. Recovery time may become a long-term project. A spontaneous evening can now require two business days of preparation. None of this, however, grants society the authority to assign you tan clothing, cautious dreams, or a chair facing the television.

The official EMSUM position is simple: act according to your judgment, your health, your finances, and whatever the hell still makes you feel alive. You are under no obligation to become smaller merely because the number attached to you became larger.

This ruling takes effect immediately. All previous instructions to “settle down,” “be realistic,” and “leave that to younger people” are hereby returned to sender, postage due.

Legal notice: EMSUM does not endorse ignoring gravity, medical advice, traffic laws, or the load-bearing limits of folding furniture. Do not act your age if doing so causes rash, swelling, excessive beige, or a sudden interest in decorative hand towels.

Marketing notice: Swag is available at emsum.org/

1 week ago | [YT] | 3