ChunkyNosher

Hello to the 11 people that see this, just a quick update and a bit of a larger vent:
I'm genuinely so sick of having to apologize for broken promises and I honestly hate myself for my inaction and lack of urgency and motivation. It just seems like whenever I start to feel some sort of motivation, I run into another mental dilemma, and it's honestly been this way for the entirety of when I started YouTube, and I'm really starting to feel it now more than ever as I approach closer to a critical time in my life where I really need to make a multiple crucial life decisions that would individually be so overwhelming by themselves that are compounding into a heavy burden that I feel like I'm slowly collapsing under.

I honestly have around 5-8 content ideas that are all different enough from each other that not all of them fit the brand that I want to go for if they were all posted in this channel, which off the top of my head (with some others that I'm likely forgetting) are:

- Camellia music analysis video essay
- Unstable SMP react and overly critical story analysis and review
- One or Two Alan Becker related videos
- A presentation arguing a more nuanced take on AI/LLM technology
- A Neuro-sama video essay connected to philosophical implications of AI technology in both artistic and more professional/practical contexts
- Video essays on other anime like Lycoris Recoil, Madoka Magica, Demon Slayer, Bocchi the Rock, and others that by themselves aren't really connected to each other
- My Little Pony video essay (or two) and overly critical analysis (lmao)
- A plethora of livestream ideas, with some connected to the other video ideas on the list and others that aren't

In my head, I can't pursue all of these ideas at once because having all of these videos on my channel will just further fracture the image that I want to build with this channel and fracture potential audiences as well, as I'm pretty sure that there isn't too much audience overlap that would be interested in all of these ideas lol. The logical thing to do would be to pivot more towards talking about animation in general with the Alan Becker videos serving as a sort of transition period, but for some weird reason, whether it's my hubris or ego or fear or a combination of those things and more, I just can't seem to get my mind to pivot towards that obviously logical conclusion, and I'm still stuck in a weird state where I'm just simply stagnant and avoiding making that choice in the first place. All of that compounded with me trying to find a job and the possibility of me going back to college (which I don't really want to) has kind of really weighed down on me, making it even harder to move in any direction.

Another thing that I have an issue with is being able to introduce a healthy level of stress into my life; I've never really had to deal with stress my entire life leading up to college, and when I finally encountered something that genuinely challenged me that was also "mandatory" in a way where an external force imposed consequences upon me for not living up to expectations, I essentially crumbled and fell into a period of heavy distress. I don't even know how I didn't realize this sooner, but that inability to handle stress properly to convert it into eustress instead of distress never really went away even as I got better in other areas, and now it almost feels like I'm starting from square one again even though I logically recognize that I've improved in other areas.

I'm not posting this to farm sympathy and feel better about feeling sorry for myself, I'm more so just putting all of these weird thoughts out to the wind so that they don't keep circulating inside my head and leading me into weird doom spirals. I don't want to quit, I still cling on to my childish dreams and passions despite the realist side of my brain trying to convince me otherwise, and I still have some level of determination to accomplish all of the goals and live out all of the scenarios that have been circulating in my head for my entire life, now it's just a matter of developing the potency and strength of my determination to overcome my fear.

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1 month ago | [YT] | 24

ChunkyNosher

Top NBA storylines I'm looking forward to:

- Wemby villain arc
- SGA Vinland Saga arc/Chet redemption arc
- Lebron to Wizards to mirror MJ and team up with AD
- Lebron to GSW to get a 5th ring with Steph and Retirement Home Warriors
- Ben Simmons redemption arc
- Lamelo and Ant "Hit and Run" Duo shenanigans
- Jaylen Brown revenge arc
- Jayson Tatum dropping 90

1 month ago | [YT] | 4

ChunkyNosher

I think I might be doing the Alan Becker tier list livestream later today

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2 months ago | [YT] | 23

ChunkyNosher

OG Anunoby might be one of my favorite people of all time, but still behind Alan Becker, Hitori Gotoh, and Jeremy Lin

2 months ago | [YT] | 4

ChunkyNosher

Preparing for Alan Becker tierlist

2 months ago | [YT] | 41

ChunkyNosher

LET'S GO KNICKS

2 months ago | [YT] | 18

ChunkyNosher

Damn dawg, new AvA before I made my Alan Becker fight tier list, I gotta lock in

2 months ago | [YT] | 55

ChunkyNosher

fuck okc, spurs in 7

2 months ago | [YT] | 15

ChunkyNosher

2nd time's the charm baby!! I got an Elgato Cam Link and I don't see the same visual glitches that I saw with the old cam link (it may be because the bootleg cam link was using USB 2.0), so now I just gotta pray that nothing else goes wrong lmao

4 months ago | [YT] | 4

ChunkyNosher

Hey y'all, I lowkey tried to stream earlier today, but my camera was hella tweaking, which might be because I have a pretty bootleg cam link and I might need to get a proper one. But I will try and start either Monday or Tuesday.

4 months ago | [YT] | 7