Erin Meyer is a New York Times bestselling author, keynote speaker, and INSEAD professor specializing in cross-cultural communication and organizational culture.
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Erin Meyer
It's like asking a complete stranger, "What color are your underpants?!"
When I first moved to France, I was at a dinner party making polite conversation with a Parisian couple I'd just met. I casually asked, “So, how did you two meet?”
My French husband gave me a look that said: abort mission. Later, he explained: “We don’t ask that kind of question to strangers. It’s like asking them what kind of underwear they’re wearing.”
That moment was my initiation into one of the most underestimated cultural fault lines: small talk.
In “peach” cultures like the U.S., Ireland, or Brazil, we smile frequently at complete strangers, ask personal questions of people we barely know at all, and speak about our family with people we've just bumped into. Friendliness is not a sign of friendship. We are "soft" on the outside but underneath is the harder pit where we protect ourselves. Real friends are inside the pit. It takes time and care to get there.
In “coconut” cultures like Bulgaria, France, Germany, Finland, or Russia the outside shell is harder. Smiling at strangers might come across as superficial, or fake (why is she pretending we're friends?). Asking questions about a strangers personal life . . . . uncomfortable and intrusive. Building friendships takes time, but as we do we become increasingly open. Friendliness comes with friendship, not before it.
A Russian colleague once whispered to me in Moscow: “If someone’s smiling at you on the street, we know they’re either crazy… or American.” Then there was Igor—another Russian professional who spoke with with an American seatmate on a flight. After nine hours of friendly (and Igor felt intimate) conversation, the American waved and walked away at baggage claim. Igor felt tricked: “After that level of connection I thought we'd be friends for life”
The lesson?
Different cultures have different signals for what’s appropriate to ask and share with strangers. When that hotel receptionist in Ireland tells you about her upcoming wedding plans, don't expect you'll be getting an invitation in the mail. And when that guy from Macedonia watches your presentation stonefaced, it doesn't mean he hates you. With the humility to question our own assumptions and the curiosioty to ask questions and seek to understand, we can all get better at reading, and adapting to the complex and diverse cultural cues around us.
#TheCultureMap #ErinMeyer #CrossCulturalCommunication #PeachVsCoconut #GlobalTeams #CulturalFluency #InternationalWorkplace #EQAtWork #LeadershipAcrossBorders #WorkAcrossCultures
1 month ago | [YT] | 2
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Erin Meyer
Listen before you speak and learn before you act.
It sounds simple—but this is one of the hardest (and most powerful) shifts you can make.
We often rush to fill silence, explain our perspective, or “get things moving.” But when you’re collaborating globally, the real skill is holding back: observing, listening, and learning before you act. The moment you slow down, you’ll start to notice the signals you’ve been missing all along.
#TheCultureMap #CulturalIntelligence #CrossCulturalCommunication #GlobalLeadership #WorkAcrossBorders #ErinMeyer
1 month ago | [YT] | 5
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