Hey, guys! Let's chat. I know I keep going many months between uploads and I wanna talk about why that is.
So when I started this YouTube channel, I was between permanent addresses, and looking for any excuse to do something fun for myself. Between then and the debut of the helmet, I ended up once again houseless and that time, on my own. I managed to get myself set up and on disability benefits since then, as I'm chronically ill.
The reason I can afford gear is an annuity which pays its last next year, and my partners who are supportive of my ambitions.
I always want to do inflation content. This kink is a big part of me (so to speak), and I'd die before I had to give it up. The triple-whammy of queer, trans, and disabled, leaves little opportunities for people like me to become somebody, and I never considered myself cut out for "real" sex work, or anything you'd *have* to put on an actual porn site.
But I knew the line I was riding was slim, and over the last few years, it began to close entirely. Creators who have gone out of their way to stay within the limits of YouTube's terms of service have been wiped off the map completely. So much content is now lost media. The ones who started around when I did were the lucky ones. Maybe one or two of my own inspirations remain.
So I refrained from posting anymore, out of fear. All my content is backed up. If this channel goes away, it'll be made available elsewhere. So fear stopped being the main driver of my inactivity after a while.
And then in January of this year, I caught COVID-19.
My infection was brief, albeit miserable. I had one of my shots, but not the other, because my mental health and finances at the time made even *getting to the clinic* a non-starter. And then people started moving in and out of the sublet I live in, unmasked, dubiously vaccinated. I was probably infected when I went to use the bathroom while three guys moved a television to the second floor.
And ever since then, I haven't felt like myself, a person who struggled to care for themself enough to start with. I've had migraines once every couple weeks, with tails lasting for days. I had been familiar with the experience of brainfog, but now it's a daily reality. My e-bike, which had been my main transportation, is broken, and the shop hasn't contacted me about it since it went in. Even then, I couldn't afford to have it repaired. So my clothes have deteriorated, I've struggled to keep up on food.
It's been really, *really* hard. I'm trying not to go over my whole life story, but hopefully at this point, you get the gist. Cleaning up my space, getting a shoot together, and doing it, takes most of the energy I have for a day, and then I'm likely to be in pain for the rest.
But even so, I've still wanted to do it. And I did it today! And I want to continue doing it. Because kink is my life, it's who I am. If this platform won't have me, then I'll find one that will. But I need to find other things to do as well. I've been pondering what to do, and I don't have an answer yet, but I have a few ideas. I do my best work when I'm spontaneous, and it's become clear that forcing myself to get a project done is a great way to ensure it never gets done.
But you guys will be the first to know. Thanks for hanging in there, thanks for supporting me, thanks for all the messages across social media asking where I've been. I'm still here. I'm gonna keep showing up for you guys, because you deserve it, and because I want to. Idk what the future holds, but I hope it's gonna be just as much fun as I've had here.
Alfanumeric (Inflatable Drone)
Hey, guys! Let's chat.
I know I keep going many months between uploads and I wanna talk about why that is.
So when I started this YouTube channel, I was between permanent addresses, and looking for any excuse to do something fun for myself. Between then and the debut of the helmet, I ended up once again houseless and that time, on my own. I managed to get myself set up and on disability benefits since then, as I'm chronically ill.
The reason I can afford gear is an annuity which pays its last next year, and my partners who are supportive of my ambitions.
I always want to do inflation content. This kink is a big part of me (so to speak), and I'd die before I had to give it up. The triple-whammy of queer, trans, and disabled, leaves little opportunities for people like me to become somebody, and I never considered myself cut out for "real" sex work, or anything you'd *have* to put on an actual porn site.
But I knew the line I was riding was slim, and over the last few years, it began to close entirely. Creators who have gone out of their way to stay within the limits of YouTube's terms of service have been wiped off the map completely. So much content is now lost media. The ones who started around when I did were the lucky ones. Maybe one or two of my own inspirations remain.
So I refrained from posting anymore, out of fear. All my content is backed up. If this channel goes away, it'll be made available elsewhere. So fear stopped being the main driver of my inactivity after a while.
And then in January of this year, I caught COVID-19.
My infection was brief, albeit miserable. I had one of my shots, but not the other, because my mental health and finances at the time made even *getting to the clinic* a non-starter. And then people started moving in and out of the sublet I live in, unmasked, dubiously vaccinated. I was probably infected when I went to use the bathroom while three guys moved a television to the second floor.
And ever since then, I haven't felt like myself, a person who struggled to care for themself enough to start with. I've had migraines once every couple weeks, with tails lasting for days. I had been familiar with the experience of brainfog, but now it's a daily reality. My e-bike, which had been my main transportation, is broken, and the shop hasn't contacted me about it since it went in. Even then, I couldn't afford to have it repaired. So my clothes have deteriorated, I've struggled to keep up on food.
It's been really, *really* hard. I'm trying not to go over my whole life story, but hopefully at this point, you get the gist. Cleaning up my space, getting a shoot together, and doing it, takes most of the energy I have for a day, and then I'm likely to be in pain for the rest.
But even so, I've still wanted to do it. And I did it today! And I want to continue doing it. Because kink is my life, it's who I am. If this platform won't have me, then I'll find one that will. But I need to find other things to do as well. I've been pondering what to do, and I don't have an answer yet, but I have a few ideas. I do my best work when I'm spontaneous, and it's become clear that forcing myself to get a project done is a great way to ensure it never gets done.
But you guys will be the first to know. Thanks for hanging in there, thanks for supporting me, thanks for all the messages across social media asking where I've been. I'm still here. I'm gonna keep showing up for you guys, because you deserve it, and because I want to. Idk what the future holds, but I hope it's gonna be just as much fun as I've had here.
Love you,
- A
3 years ago | [YT] | 11